Dark angel
Well-known member
I'm referring to living. Moving forward, taking chances and being...
... happy. I definitely don't know how to do any of those. I've tried numerous times. I can say I've experienced "glimpse of happiness" or had a taste of it every now and then. But eventually that dark side of me always has to show up. Yesterday I had horrible mood swings that went from 0 to 60. One moment happy and the next sad, angry and disappointed even the ENTIRE day. I can't keep up with my own self. I'm really starting to get tired of this. Besides that, is the constant pressure from every single point of view: Acquaintances asking me when am I going to get married when I've never been in a relationship in twenty-somewhat-years( I'm approaching 30). My family pressuring me to keep on studying when I'm tired to my ****ing brains of doing that. I got physically and mentally drained while completing my bachelor's degree because I had to fight against my insecurities and constant depressive status plus my less than confident attitude and average grades and the inability to perform adequately in front of others, which surely has ruined my possibility of another opportunities. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to go to a good school after that and how am I going to get in. My mom saying to me to quit my current job so I can dedicate to study for my admission test( which I already took a few months back and failed miserably). because with a full time job is going to be quit complicated to concentrate. And the list goes on and on... And God only knows that quitting my job scares the hell out of me. First of all, I had problems getting it. Spent almost 7 months after graduating to get one( although is not related at all with my concentration) because I was terrified to go job hunting and knocking on doors. Basically, this job came to me, it fell on my lap without me looking for it. For that I'm more than grateful, but I also understand that staying there is getting into a comfort zone. But what if I leave and then all the plans I got fail? Then I will be back where I was 1 year ago. Depressed and afraid of moving on, of looking for a way to a future that will work out for me. Seriously guys, I feel like I'm losing my mind. There's not a single day that goes by without thinking about every single thing I just mention. Is too much burden, to much to carry on my back and my brain. I wish I had the courage to end it all, put a stop to those never ending thoughts but I'm such a coward that I can't even consider suicide a possibility. Death scares the hell out of me. But I just can't imagine it being worse than living. I know that a lot of people go through much worse things than I do and still have the courage of moving and find a way out. But I just don't know how and thinking about it daily gets you to a point where you start to consider if you still have your sanity intact. I just don't know anymore... :sad:
... happy. I definitely don't know how to do any of those. I've tried numerous times. I can say I've experienced "glimpse of happiness" or had a taste of it every now and then. But eventually that dark side of me always has to show up. Yesterday I had horrible mood swings that went from 0 to 60. One moment happy and the next sad, angry and disappointed even the ENTIRE day. I can't keep up with my own self. I'm really starting to get tired of this. Besides that, is the constant pressure from every single point of view: Acquaintances asking me when am I going to get married when I've never been in a relationship in twenty-somewhat-years( I'm approaching 30). My family pressuring me to keep on studying when I'm tired to my ****ing brains of doing that. I got physically and mentally drained while completing my bachelor's degree because I had to fight against my insecurities and constant depressive status plus my less than confident attitude and average grades and the inability to perform adequately in front of others, which surely has ruined my possibility of another opportunities. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to go to a good school after that and how am I going to get in. My mom saying to me to quit my current job so I can dedicate to study for my admission test( which I already took a few months back and failed miserably). because with a full time job is going to be quit complicated to concentrate. And the list goes on and on... And God only knows that quitting my job scares the hell out of me. First of all, I had problems getting it. Spent almost 7 months after graduating to get one( although is not related at all with my concentration) because I was terrified to go job hunting and knocking on doors. Basically, this job came to me, it fell on my lap without me looking for it. For that I'm more than grateful, but I also understand that staying there is getting into a comfort zone. But what if I leave and then all the plans I got fail? Then I will be back where I was 1 year ago. Depressed and afraid of moving on, of looking for a way to a future that will work out for me. Seriously guys, I feel like I'm losing my mind. There's not a single day that goes by without thinking about every single thing I just mention. Is too much burden, to much to carry on my back and my brain. I wish I had the courage to end it all, put a stop to those never ending thoughts but I'm such a coward that I can't even consider suicide a possibility. Death scares the hell out of me. But I just can't imagine it being worse than living. I know that a lot of people go through much worse things than I do and still have the courage of moving and find a way out. But I just don't know how and thinking about it daily gets you to a point where you start to consider if you still have your sanity intact. I just don't know anymore... :sad: