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Old 1 Week Ago
grapevine's Avatar
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.. without really hurting the other person?
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Old 1 Week Ago
theslowesthand's Avatar
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There might be some good stuff on the web about this.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Hmmm, I can't imagine many people in here would have much experience with having a relationship, let alone having to initiate a break up.

I agree with theslowesthand, Google would be the way to investigate the best methods.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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While I'm no expert, I definitely can voice a few facts:

You decide your life, and if a relationship doesn't turn out as expected, then it's not just your fault. Considering what the other partner is like, the reason for a breakup can depend on a whole lot of variables.


If the partner is a 'toxic' person, then you definitely need to understand that continuing a relationship with that person, will only do you more harm. In such a situation, it might be hard to make a final decision, but it should be understood that making the decision will definitely free you from the unwanted relationship in which you are in.

I remember having a friend like that - not a relationship, but just friends. And the whole 'friendship - thing' caused a lot of stress and anger to build up inside me. And I eventually had the opportunity to stand up against this particular 'friend'. From experience, I'd really like to say, that while hurting other's feelings might seem like a very hard option at first, you should be able to 'weigh' the amount of times you've been 'used' or exploited by the other person. The amount of times you've felt guilty of being yourself, when you were with that person.


Because if I were to continually worry about hurting the other person's feelings(by breaking up with him/her), and only view it from their perspective, then I'm bound to get myself into more emotional conflicts inside myself. Sometimes, you need to look at yourself as well. I don't think of it as being selfish. Especially when you're the person who is suffering from all the emotional stress - and that too, when the other person seems blind to the problems you're obviously facing.

This is just a single point of view, and it doesn't have to be this way for every relationship. I'm sure you'll figure it out yourself eventually
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Old 1 Week Ago
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I don't know, I would say do it in person.

I only dated 2 people, and I caught one cheating (so obviously it was over), and the more recent one dumped me... he didn't really say why and did it through text.
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grapevine (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
 

Well, you can't completely spare their feelings; you're going to have to hurt them in some way. However, pain is sometimes subjective; what might hurt a little for one might be torment for another. The best bet is to be upfront and honest about it.

But, if you're truly determined to leave, then you can't let their pain dissuade you. They might cry, they might beg you to stay, but you're going to have to not give in. It sounds cruel, but the true cruelty would be to stay and give them false hope and make yourself suffer.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lionhearted View Post
While I'm no expert, I definitely can voice a few facts:

You decide your life, and if a relationship doesn't turn out as expected, then it's not just your fault. Considering what the other partner is like, the reason for a breakup can depend on a whole lot of variables.


If the partner is a 'toxic' person, then you definitely need to understand that continuing a relationship with that person, will only do you more harm. In such a situation, it might be hard to make a final decision, but it should be understood that making the decision will definitely free you from the unwanted relationship in which you are in.

I remember having a friend like that - not a relationship, but just friends. And the whole 'friendship - thing' caused a lot of stress and anger to build up inside me. And I eventually had the opportunity to stand up against this particular 'friend'. From experience, I'd really like to say, that while hurting other's feelings might seem like a very hard option at first, you should be able to 'weigh' the amount of times you've been 'used' or exploited by the other person. The amount of times you've felt guilty of being yourself, when you were with that person.


Because if I were to continually worry about hurting the other person's feelings(by breaking up with him/her), and only view it from their perspective, then I'm bound to get myself into more emotional conflicts inside myself. Sometimes, you need to look at yourself as well. I don't think of it as being selfish. Especially when you're the person who is suffering from all the emotional stress - and that too, when the other person seems blind to the problems you're obviously facing.

This is just a single point of view, and it doesn't have to be this way for every relationship. I'm sure you'll figure it out yourself eventually
^This is very good advice.
I believe this advice hits the nail on the head for your situation, grapevine.
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grapevine (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
 

You break up face to face. DO NOT call or message them. You tell them the truth of how you feel then offer your friendship and support.
It'll hurt them no matter how you tell them, providing they have feelings, but this should at least avoid a slap in the face!
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Old 1 Week Ago
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"Look, I've been thinking so much about this that I go to sleep with a headache. I don't feel happy anymore. And it makes me feel terrible because I really wanted this to work, but it's been [insert time] since I've been feeling this way and it's unfair for me to keep this from you because I really care about you. This relationship has worn me out, and I'm not going to get into whose fault it is because sometimes people just drift apart. We simply want different things. Emotionally, I'm not invested in this relationship anymore, and we both deserve to be in relationships where both people are equally invested. I'm sorry, but I'd rather hurt your feelings right now than let this drag on for who knows how much longer and just making it worse for everyone involved. If I stay with you, I'll just end up resenting you and make it much worse, and you'll resent me too for not giving you the attention you need/deserve. I hope one day you'll forgive me, and maybe someday in the future we can be friends."

edit: you can't really break up someone without hurting their feelings, unless they don't really have feelings for you anymore and have been waiting for you to break up with them. But it's easier to just do it, like ripping off a band-aid, than letting it drag on.
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Old 1 Week Ago
grapevine's Avatar
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that was awesome. Thankyou once again guys for helping me with this.


So Im in the morning, we usually message each other. I made him a funny photo of him last night. He hasnt bothered to look at it. He hasnt bothered to message me. Its 10:30, he is obv not at work today. Yet, takes photos of books in his room and writes arrogant posts about himself on there. Im not even in the picture. I have not broken up with him yet btw. Its just behaviour like this that gets me so worked u. I know he is mentally unwell but the arrogance on there. He goes on about how good looking he thinks he is that he could get away with murder because police would think he is a nice man or something.
Just when I see that he is even more self-absorbed on the inside - even when you know it, it just makes me so distressed and I get so upset and feel like I cant function. Its like an anxiety attack. But I also feel like I have to be harsh to him and let him know what I think - seeing he acts like that. Someone who acts like that does not deserve anyone or anything from anyone.

Do you think its okay for me to write negative things I think about him? Because I do that often because he is asking for it you know. Anyone would.
Ive told him it distresses me- but he is too ill to recognise.

It just makes me so irritated. It cripples me into distress and ruins my day. I end up with anxiety attacks.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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It's okay for you to write what you feel, but it's not okay for you to allow yourself to keep feelings those things.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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It might be harder in the short term, but in the long term it's definitely the best way.

So I think it's best to not 'beat around the bush'. Make how you feel clear, your intentions clear and don't be convinced or told otherwise. Stay on track.

Most of all, do it in person. Have some respect. This c r a p where people break up over a text msg is utter BS. That's for immature teenagers.

Of course you need to be somewhat considerate in the other persons position, in that there's no need to be mean etc. Be firm, to the point and clear.

The worst thing to do is be unclear and give them false hope that you still might want to reconcile.
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Old 1 Week Ago
Sacrament's Avatar
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Just sit down with him and tell him how you really feel, without holding anything back.
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Old 1 Week Ago
grapevine's Avatar
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Thankyou. I will. I have to wait after xmas tho. Thats the thing. Its not nice since xmas as been invested and its hard since his father passed months ago.

Hes started putting lots of of photos of women on his Instagram now, knowing that it triggers my bdd. I get funny about it personally- but I dont let that be seen by him - other than that it strengthens my many many causes to get away from his toxic behaviour.

Im going to try and give my self a xmas present for this year in the form of self care indulgence. Something that I had given up on this year due to all this. So Im just pushing him away and putting my foot down. He doesnt seem to care alot about things he does and can be quite blunt often without compassion so Im going to give myself compassion and just have my solitude and have my self care stuff, build myself up if just a little cause at the moment I am hurting myself with worry about him and his behaviour and not caring for myself by binge eating bad foods and all the rest and not caring about myself and putting on dramatic weight.Whilst he is only caring about himself.

I need to build myself up and get to a place where I am okay with me and the freedom to be myself away from him.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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You are the number 1 priority
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Old 1 Week Ago
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After taking my mum out shopping and to the audiologist today and I get a phone call from him telling me he was at my place (I live with my parents and we never lock the doors because we live secluded on 5 acres away from the town). He was in the house, ringing me up from our home phone. And mum was getting hot chips for us both as it had been a long day. I had to tell her Rugs was in the house and had rang up on our phone and she hated the idea of him just walking into the house and making himself a coffee and using the phone. He can be one of those people that helps himself to things. And then there were other things similar to that he did this afternoon.

We had to offer a few chips and mum had to make him a sandwhich as he just came ove at tea time and hadnt had tea. And it felt rude to eat in front of him with hot chips - even tho we got a tiny amount just for the 2 of us. I hadnt eaten all day and yet had to share with him. Im so sick of that.

Just, he wanted me to drive him to go for a walk out his way to this beach, a new walking trail he had found. But i told him that I was too tired to drive and I only had enough petrol for going to work and back and a bit tomorrow. So he changes he mind abruptly even after getting my dog excited. And says hell just go home instead. He expected me to use my petrol and my car again.

From now on, til I break up with him- like I said Im putting my foot down - I am not going to do things for him anymore - Im so passed that. He expects from me all the time- and yet doesnt even respond to me with the simplest and basic of expectations.
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BlueDays (6 Days Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
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Did you tell him that you feel uncomfortable with him simply letting himself in?

You and your folks should consider starting to lock the door, or getting a lock if you don't have one.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Iím all for the idea of locking up the house. Especially if youíre about to break up with him.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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There's one thing I still don't quite understand. I'm sorry by the way for my last post in this thread, the one I deleted. I shouldn't have called people names. If Rugs does not have the mental capacity to understand how he's hurt you over and over again then how will he understand that you are leaving him? Or why for that matter? Are you worried you will need to get the courts involved?
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grapevine (1 Week Ago)
Old 1 Week Ago
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I have thought about that. I think he will be able to understand, but it will be hard. There will be consquences he wont see coming as he doesnt have the ability to really look forward and plan things - think things through - he seems to think if he wakes up and has a shave and shower and looks in the mirror does a selfie - then he is happy and everyone else is too. He likes to come to my place and then expect me to plan somehting for him. So its going to be a thing where Ill have to stamp my foot down and re-explain to him or it could be that he internalises it and just gets depressed. If it were to get to court things so be it- but I dont think that will happen. He has said that when people say not to follow them and leave them alone he does. But it will be hard.
At the moment he hasnt really been speaking to me much at all because I ripped into him about his online craziness. I was very upfront and wicked to him. I hada full blown few days of anxiety attacks from it all. I have to think about myself. I told him his craziness online makes me so ill.
So I dont know if thats put him down a notch or not at all.

My collegue at work - I showed him rug's stuff online and all the craziness stuff and he raised eyebrows and was dumbfounded and laughing. But something stood out to me what he said was that I seemed obessed with it. Like I couldnt stop working myself up about it and as tho I was digging for the worst like I needed validation of how bad it was from him. He said to me that he is too far broken, that no amount of me trying to fix him- trying to slap some sense into him - will not work. And thats the hard truth. Its sad. Sad for him more than me too.

I always put myself in these naive situations lol.
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