How are you feeling?

FountainandFairfax said:

Good... tired, but good.

I bought a bicycle Wednesday night and tonight I went for my first real ride. I haven't exercised in a looooong time and I haven't been on a bicycle in at least fifteen years. It went well, I kept up with my cousin for the most part but after a while my knees turned to jelly and I had to go back.

I bought an orange hoodie to wear for visibility since we're mostly gonna be riding at night, I probably looked like a big pumpkin coming down the road. They had one with a jack o' lantern face but it was only for kids, nothing in size XXXL heh, heh. Oh well, whatever keeps me from getting squashed.

It felt good to get out and do something again.

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Hey! Where'd you get that picture of me riding my bike?...

FountainandFairfax said:

Good... tired, but good.

I bought a bicycle Wednesday night and tonight I went for my first real ride. I haven't exercised in a looooong time and I haven't been on a bicycle in at least fifteen years. It went well, I kept up with my cousin for the most part but after a while my knees turned to jelly and I had to go back.

I bought an orange hoodie to wear for visibility since we're mostly gonna be riding at night, I probably looked like a big pumpkin coming down the road. They had one with a jack o' lantern face but it was only for kids, nothing in size XXXL heh, heh. Oh well, whatever keeps me from getting squashed.

It felt good to get out and do something again.

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Haha but you surely looked like the best pumpkin ever

I'm tired of ppl and how they make me feel...not in the sense that they make me feel in a certain way, is that I don't feel when I'm alone, but I do when I'm with others.

I'm also tired of not being able to tell others how I feel...I always keep everything to myself. Not because they wouldn't listen or that I cannot trust them, cause I can but I just can't do it. And I feel like I'm gonna explode! Everytime I try, I feel like I'm stuck. I've been feeling like shit lately and when they say: how are you? I say: I'm fine...always fine, but I'm not.

And I'm not talking about random people but friends and those who love me, I'm always there when they need me and I'd do anything (almost lol) for them but I wont let them do that for me. I'd love to tell them how I feel, but I can't.

Numb... constantly 2nd guessing myself. Hate the fact that nuthin’ has changed in my life for the better. :sad:

I’m still stuck at home, still made to feel like my only purpose in life is caring for others in my family. And, if it’s not that, then am the yin making up for all the laziness. Having to make sure stuff gets done. Having to rely only upon myself when I need to get things done. Since asking me for help only incites arguments in my family. Plus having to just “tolerate” how I’m treated cuz me getting pissed off is so ”outta character”

But hey, I’m the good son, the good brother.

Graeme1988 said:

Numb... constantly 2nd guessing myself. Hate the fact that nuthin’ has changed in my life for the better. :sad:

I’m still stuck at home, still made to feel like my only purpose in life is caring for others in my family. And, if it’s not that, then am the yin making up for all the laziness. Having to make sure stuff gets done. Having to rely only upon myself when I need to get things done. Since asking me for help only incites arguments in my family. Plus having to just “tolerate” how I’m treated cuz me getting pissed off is so ”outta character”

But hey, I’m the good son, the good brother.

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Well, ah know now to never answer truly in future if ma family ask me how am feeling. Today my mother laughed and said, “You’re no miserable... stop faking!”, when I gave this one word answer in response to the “How ye daein?” question: “Miserable”. Didnae say it sarcastically, didnae prefix it with a swear word. Nowt like that - just matter of fact, this is how I’m feeling. And that’s how my mum reacts? This fae a wummin who likes constantly say she’s caring? Only if yer a woman it seems...

And it’s always me who gits berated for huvin a supposed lack of empathy?

Anyway, without missing a beat, ah proceeded to lose it and angrily called my mother an ”...Inconsiderate f*ckin’ c*nt!”, tell her to eff off when she apologised for her reaction; and ah just went back to my room. Barely said a word aw day... just thought about how quickly the reaction would change if I went to my room after my mother said that and took ma ain life.

Life is so effing painful!!!! :thumbdown:

This mental pain just hurts so bad - like the severe end stages of giving birth.
Only this pain just keeps getting more unbearable - and there is no end.

After so many years of it, I've had enough!!!!! :sad:

Graeme1988 said:

.......otherwise ah might do summit ah regret and tell ma family whit ah really think o’ them to their face.

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I think you should have done that a long time ago, Graeme. Then backed it up with reading out a long list of various bad situations that have occurred with your family members - to factually support WHY you feel that way towards them.

BlueDays said:

Life is so effing painful!!!! :thumbdown:

This mental pain just hurts so bad - like the severe end stages of giving birth.
Only this pain just keeps getting more unbearable - and there is no end.

After so many years of it, I've had enough!!!!! :sad:

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Blue, what's hurting you? Is it a sense of isolation or loneliness or something?

BlueDays said:

I think you should have done that a long time ago, Graeme. Then backed it up with reading out a long list of various bad situations that have occurred with your family members - to factually support WHY you feel that way towards them.

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^ Last time I attempted to, ah just get the silent treatment. Despite only doing so to try and make my mother understand what I’ve had to put with for most of life, as far as living with dysfunctional people is concerned.

And, if I get pissed off enough to interrupt a particular loud argument started by my older sister, she’d just tell me tae f*ck off. Which I’d usually respond to by sarcastically going, “Oh, that’s charming, innit?” Or, as I said during our last face to face confrontation: “F*ck off? Ah really wish ye would, but yer still here for some reason”. Because she doesn’t like that I question her actions or behaviour, cuz that’s what she does to everyone else.

Believe me, I’ve lost my temper with both my sisters and my mum many a time in the last 15 years. And brought up past incidents to support why I feel the way I do towards them. But they just start laughing, and saying I should be a comedian when I do. So... :idontknow: I’ve kinda gave up trying to them understand what life’s been like from my perspective. Despite me having to put with constant, shouty, petty and retarded arguments being a legit grievance.

Ah mean, since about the age of 16, 17, I’ve not once hid the fact that I despise being in the same room as the 3 of them. For the simple reason that it’s never a relaxed atmosphere, always tense and on edge. It’s mainly why I don’t enjoy Christmas or New Year anymore. Not that any of us are particularly happy to be there, really.

Don’t know what to do... nothing seems to give any sense of purpose or joy at the moment. I know those would make me feel better, but I just don’t have the motivation or focus to do anything.

Good, today i did something i was very afraid of And there are ppl supporting me which is good.

F0AM said:

Good, today i did something i was very afraid of And there are ppl supporting me which is good.

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Way to go, FOAM.

PugofCrydee said:

I completely hear what you're saying.And I get it. What you said is almost like it was me that wrote it.

I'll respond a bit more when I aren't at work (I'm on a break)

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Okay, I will be looking out for your response.

I been away a long time but I haven't been doing good. First of all I haven't been helping myself as much as I should for many reasons. This has been leading to boredom lately. Any advice?

Marc7 said:

I been away a long time but I haven't been doing good. First of all I haven't been helping myself as much as I should for many reasons. This has been leading to boredom lately. Any advice?

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Sorry for taking so long in replying, sometimes I lose track of posts.

So yea, I can definitely identify with your post. I feel angry with the world and society in general a lot of the time. I feel as though people in general have such double standards. Most people preach the politically correct talk, but very few actually practice it. I like to try at least. I see so many people just treating others like s h i t, not being honest with each other, being two faced etc. Sometimes they even come to me and 'confide' in me that they don't like this person for this or that reason, but are then nice to their face. I really f u c k i n g hate that. I guess thats what leads me to my anger and resentment for people in general. What keeps my faith (so to speak) is I know there is the odd individual who genuinely tries to be a good person.

I think I'm in a similar situation to you as far as friends - or lack of - goes. I know my social skills aren't great, but I think for me it's because I'm simply not interested in people's bull s h i t.

I really couldn't care less if Johnny's Fathers Aunt's sisters nephew's third cousin's daughter bought a cat.
Funny thing is, I've had quite a few people tell me I'm good to talk to, a funny guy etc etc.. but I think that's more when it's one on one conversation. Put me in a group in a social situation... ugh!

Anyways, currently I have been trying hard to fit in, without being untrue to myself. With - might I add - little results to speak of. Boredom can be a problem at times, so I try to do something that I can get SOME enjoyment out of.
I like beach combing especially during or after rough/stormy weather. So I try to get out and do that when the opportunity comes along.
I like the cinema - even going by myself. Although there hasn't been many movies I actually want to see lately.
I like exploring on my bike, hiking, music, playing the drums just to name a few more. About a month ago I went up into a town in the Adelaide hills called 'Stirling'. It was a cool overcast day, almost raining, more like a drizzle at times. But I just walked about the town, on the surrounding tracks through the forest and just explored. I really enjoyed it. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have a friend to enjoy it with. Someone who we know and accept & support each other as friends.

What are some things you like to do? Or maybe have thought of doing but never have? I think it's easy to start small. With something simple.

One thing I have learnt is, the hardest part is starting - or to get the ball rolling.

Stuck in a rut, bored and depressed. :sad:

Don’t know whether I should attempt to git back into making music? :idontknow: It’s been nearly 3 months since I attempted to flesh out a few of the ideas I started last years. Assuming audio interfaces aren’t as sensitive when it comes to picking up external sound compared to microphones? :question: For all I know, that question could be utter posh. But that’s what is putting me off trying to record in noisy environment, which what the house becomes when my older sister and her kids come to visit.

Guess I could give it a go...? :idontknow: It’s summit tae do, innit? Take my mind off the $h!%# that’s been bothering me lately.

Embarrassed of how I act I think awkwardly, this thoughts takes over me few times. I just try to get over it by thinking about the bright sides

Like a Borg



Just part of the collective with no real purpose other than to work as a drone..

I’ve wasted 2 years of my life... all because I wus dumb enough to think things would change. But have they f*ck... not for the better anyway! :thumbdown: It’s a crappy existence when yer a co-dependent, though not because yer ain circumstances. But because your own mother cannae bare to live in a house by herself. :kickingmyself: Ah know... the life I could’ve had, eh? :sad:

Though, ah find it quite hilarious that, it took me huvin a near nervous and mental breakdown for my family to finally ease off on expecting me to do everything for them when asked. But, I guess, that’s what happens when yer constantly guilt-tripped into doing things. Can’t say “No”. And yer family expects things to git done despite you tell them well, eh... it doesn’t quite work like that. But they rarely actually listen tae the words comin’ oot yer big-lipped mooth n’ just hear what they think ye said. mg:

Relieved at being able to log on lol.

I was actually thinking of everyone else losing contact through this site.. It made me feel quite sad.
It also made me realize we are almost like a family here.

Same here, Pug.