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Old 06-25-2018
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Originally Posted by cappatown420 View Post
Not only do I not have anyone to do that for me, I know it wouldn't be possible. I just can't physically do it.

I tried making an appointment with my general doctor on Friday but he is over a month out.

I was convinced that maybe it was because I had been prescribed Ativan and was taking that at night as well as my "sleeping meds" Remeron. So last night I didn't take them, was in bed by 10pm. I feel asleep at almost 6 AM. Dragged myself out of bed to shower for work late in the day and went straight back to bed. I can't even put on makeup I'm so tired, and my face is horrible from crying for days. I just wake up and cry for hours now. I didn't make the appointment because I was trying to talk them into doing something sooner because I don't even know if I will be alive next month.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to just straight up switch general practitioners. I really don't like him as a doctor and last year he refused to refill my anti-depressants while I was in a crisis because "it didn't feel right" even though I was waiting months for a pych and could get it because there aren't enough doctors.

It's getting really rough and if I didn't have a problem with eating food right now I would most likely check myself into a mental hospital.

I feel like just deleting this, who the **** cares. I prayed to God, Jesus, my dad, Buddah, anyone that's out there. It never helps.
Totally agree that you should see a different GP, cappatown.
Not refilling your antidepressants while you were in a crisis, just because he thought it "didn't feel right" !? wtf! He sounds dangerously incompetent.
I hope your new your new GP is more understanding and can help you. Good luck.
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Old 06-25-2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueDays View Post
Totally agree that you should see a different GP, cappatown.
Not refilling your antidepressants while you were in a crisis, just because he thought it "didn't feel right" !? wtf! He sounds dangerously incompetent.
I hope your new your new GP is more understanding and can help you. Good luck.
Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow in time to do that. I can't wait over a month to see somebody right now. I told the ER today I didn't make that appointment because it was so far out that I didn't know if I would still be alive then.

The lady from Suicide Hotline suggusted maybe an eating disorder clinic would help me as well.

I feel like I should be inpatient SOMEWHERE just don't know where the best place would be. I've been to the mental hospital here and it's horrible I never want to go back there.
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Old 06-25-2018
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I did a shuffling jog down the hospital corridor today
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Old 06-25-2018
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Quote:
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I did a shuffling jog down the hospital corridor today


I hope you were humming the Rocky theme in your head - to give you some inspiration, Kiwong?
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Old 06-25-2018
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I hope you were humming the Rocky theme in your head - to give you some inspiration, Kiwong?
The song was playing while i was exercising
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Old 06-25-2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cappatown420 View Post
What? Do you live in the US? I've never heard anything like that, and I'm honestly confused to whether you know I'm talking about for a sleep study, I have a hard time remembering what day it really is.

I'd be pretty shocked, because I get state insurance.

Also realized I have been getting sleep paralysis, it has never involved demons or weird shit so I didn't think that's what it was. I do have disturbing dreams when it happens, just not as bad as what I heard is normal.
Sorry, maybe I didn't quite understand what you were talking about. I was thinking "sleep studies" as a literal study where people have you stay in the hospital an monitor your sleep, for science, both people with sleep disorders and without. For the state I live in there is a website with a list of different paid studies, from sleep studies to studies for people with about every different type of mental illness or chronic illness in the book.

Sorry you are going through a rough patch at the moment, I hope things turn for the better soon.
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Old 06-25-2018
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Its freezing tonight. Down to 4 'C.
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Old 06-25-2018
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Surprisingly I felt good these past two days , but I have suppressed what I want to do due to anxiety and fear of the unknown. We will see if today is different.
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Old 06-25-2018
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Donít know what to do with my life, I feel devoid of any sorta purpose. Donít feel that I really matter to anyone in my family. Well, I matter when itís convenient to care. Stuck, I guess would be the best way of putting it.
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Old 06-25-2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cappatown420 View Post
Not only do I not have anyone to do that for me, I know it wouldn't be possible. I just can't physically do it.

I tried making an appointment with my general doctor on Friday but he is over a month out.

I was convinced that maybe it was because I had been prescribed Ativan and was taking that at night as well as my "sleeping meds" Remeron. So last night I didn't take them, was in bed by 10pm. I feel asleep at almost 6 AM. Dragged myself out of bed to shower for work late in the day and went straight back to bed. I can't even put on makeup I'm so tired, and my face is horrible from crying for days. I just wake up and cry for hours now. I didn't make the appointment because I was trying to talk them into doing something sooner because I don't even know if I will be alive next month.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to just straight up switch general practitioners. I really don't like him as a doctor and last year he refused to refill my anti-depressants while I was in a crisis because "it didn't feel right" even though I was waiting months for a pych and could get it because there aren't enough doctors.

It's getting really rough and if I didn't have a problem with eating food right now I would most likely check myself into a mental hospital.

I feel like just deleting this, who the **** cares. I prayed to God, Jesus, my dad, Buddah, anyone that's out there. It never helps.
I understand that you can't physically do it. i felt that w/ my medication and then lowered it. Wish you good luck on what you wish to happen.
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Old 06-26-2018
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This is where i'm at: F*CK THIS LIFE!!!
The boredom keeps reaching new heights.
I REALLY HATE my life, but that's nothing new.
I'd gladly swap lives with any of you.

Last edited by theslowesthand; 06-26-2018 at 06:28 AM.
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Old 06-26-2018
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This is where i'm at: F*CK THIS LIFE!!!
The boredom keeps reaching new heights.
I REALLY HATE my life, but that's nothing new.
I'd gladly swap lives with any of you.
Put yourself out of your comfort zone, travel. Even if its a day trip to the next town. You might find you enjoy it...

Go on slowest, I dare you!! ☺

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Old 06-26-2018
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Still upset about what my mother said yesterday, during a conversation with my oldest sister. My mum was going on about how she can't put up with the way things are much longer, how she wants to pack up and just leave. But any time ah say the exact same thing, the story changes to...
"PLEASE!! Dinnae leave me, ah wouldnae know what tae do without ye!"


Funny how they never seem to care about how I'm doing in all this. Well, aside from having an excuse to use my own problems against me and make me feel like shit. Ooh, gossip! Summit else to chat about over yer tea n' biscuits.
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Old 06-26-2018
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I'd gladly swap lives with any of you.
Nah! Ya don't wanna swap lives with me, trust me on that.
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Old 06-26-2018
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Nah! Ya don't wanna swap lives with me, trust me on that.
I shouldn't laugh, but that cracked me up, Graeme.
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Old 06-26-2018
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I shouldn't laugh, but that cracked me up, Graeme.
Fair enough. Wasn't my intention, but I'm glad ya got a laugh outta my comment. I'm guessing ye read that in a Scottish accent? Otherwise, as ye said, ye shouldn't have laughed.
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Old 06-26-2018
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Feeling sorry for myself...again. Everyone in my life keeps reminding me of my singlehood. I lie and say that I don't want a boyfriend - maybe I'm trying to convince myself, but the truth is: that's all I want. They say love will find you when you're not looking, but how can I stop looking when it's something I really want?

It's frustrating how complicated this is for me because it's not as easy as just finding someone I'm attracted to - it's far more complicated than that. I am insecure about my appearance and push people away to avoid getting close because I don't want them to see my flaws - how ugly I actually am. I know I have BDD because it is all consuming sometimes. I keep telling myself that I will die alone and never be married. I know I am sending mixed signals into the universe by doing this stuff...

I went to the zoo on Sunday and saw all of these families with children/couples and I have never felt the void so much - it's painful to think that may never happen for me. Especially considering that I am getting older and have a finite number of eggs - men will never understand this fear. The loud ticking of your biological clock - like Captain Hook and the crocodile. I hope this isn't forever... :(
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Old 06-27-2018
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Feeling sorry for myself...again. Everyone in my life keeps reminding me of my singlehood. I lie and say that I don't want a boyfriend - maybe I'm trying to convince myself, but the truth is: that's all I want. They say love will find you when you're not looking, but how can I stop looking when it's something I really want?

It's frustrating how complicated this is for me because it's not as easy as just finding someone I'm attracted to - it's far more complicated than that. I am insecure about my appearance and push people away to avoid getting close because I don't want them to see my flaws - how ugly I actually am. I know I have BDD because it is all consuming sometimes. I keep telling myself that I will die alone and never be married. I know I am sending mixed signals into the universe by doing this stuff...

I went to the zoo on Sunday and saw all of these families with children/couples and I have never felt the void so much - it's painful to think that may never happen for me. Especially considering that I am getting older and have a finite number of eggs - men will never understand this fear. The loud ticking of your biological clock - like Captain Hook and the crocodile. I hope this isn't forever... :(
i know, it's hard to find that partner where the energies r just closing in on you two putting you guys together. i hope you and i find that. i feel like a loser b/c i have obstacles in the way but I'm working on it now and starting next month. i know people r probably going to judge me on this as i talk. lol

Last edited by lily; 06-27-2018 at 01:17 AM.
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Old 06-27-2018
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i know you're insecure Sarah_M, but there are people who aren't good-looking (or so you believe) and they still have partners.
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Old 06-27-2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
Put yourself out of your comfort zone, travel. Even if its a day trip to the next town. You might find you enjoy it...

Go on slowest, I dare you!! ☺
It's hard to go out of my comfort zone, as it's a habit (of staying in my comfort zone) i've had my whole life, and it's only gotten stronger as the years went by.
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