How are you feeling?

Like I'm slowly dying... :sad: I've lost hope that things will get better.

Sorry, but that's the only way to describe this nearly 6 months of stress I've had to endure. :crying:

jinxed said:

have you tried exercising, exercise helps you to feel better.

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Haven't had the time. I've got a pedal exerciser and some dumbbell weights. But by the time I get a few hours peace n' quiet, it's well into the evening. Lately, the house is only quiet from about half past 5 in the evening until around mid-day the following day. Cuz, despite being given temporary accommodation, it's like my older sister and her kids are still living with my Mum and I. :kickingmyself:

But, better not say, though. Otherwise my older sister will throw a tantrum. :thumbdown:

It just pisses me off that, despite being told by my oldest sister that I'm the person of the lot o' us who's being rational and sensible about the current situation . Pointing out where things need to change, instead of taking a defeatist attitude n' feeling sorry for myself to gain sympathy. But I'm used to no-one in my family listening to me, anyway. :sad:

That said, my oldest sister's fiancé is seeing what the local gym is like - open hours, whether it's members only, etc. And he's asked if I'd like to go with him. As he is looking back into shape as well. So I'll see if anything comes off that...

jinxed said:

I cannot sleep again. I've got quite a lot of insomnia due to diet change which hasn't completely gone away yet.::

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I'm with ya on the insomnia there, jinxed. :sad: Wish I could change my diet, but sadly I'd have to living on my own before I can enact that. :sad: Hopefully that'll be happening soon, though. raying:

Very well. At the time of my post I just got out of a 4 hour study session and it's a miracle I don't have a headache. I only have one chapter to go before finishing my 600+ page textbook. After that I need to study it even more.

Now, I'm getting emotional about moving... F*ckin' now ?! Aww, Graeme - you sentimental sh!tehawk. Yet, just last summer, - no, 2 years ago in fact - ah couldnae wait to put some distance between me and the clan after whom I am named. :idontknow:

Actually crying for the first time in a long while. :crying: Guess that's what ah git for trying to be the good brother, caring son and the person who always focused on the good that come out of a bad situation. The yin who rarely complained or said "No" when ask to do something. :kickingmyself: :sad:

Scared af because I have to call work after being on maternal leave for 8 months. I've been telling myself that this fear is irrational but my brain and heart does not cooperate. Ugh! Seriously this is silly.
I will call. I know I will do it but I always always hate this anxiety. I've been food bingeing and sleeping badly for a month now because of the anxious anticipation for this phone call day. Stupid isnt it?

Now before I do it I have to release all my tension here. Breathe in breathe out. Damn butterfly in my stomach.

Just called work and I'm a bit relieved. It's ridiculous how shaky I'm feeling right now just by doing that silly phone call. Atleast I have done it without sounding like an actual nervous wreck.

My hubby told me that whenever I do business phone calls I always sound strict or unfriendly. I wasnt aware of it. Because of my anxiety and trying to hide it, I end up talking monotonous on the phone. The phone call today was an achievement because I managed to sound a bit cheerful and polite. Lol funny how things like this becomes complicated because of SA

Not much better, really. Still depressed, still knackered, still staying up late cuz it's the only period of time when the house is quiet. That's pretty much the routine now. :sad: Can't wait to get my own place.

Graeme1988 said:

Not much better, really. Still depressed, still knackered, still staying up late cuz it's the only period of time when the house is quiet. That's pretty much the routine now. :sad: Can't wait to get my own place.

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Hey it's awesome that you are moving on your own, when are you moving?

Pacific_Loner said:

Hey it's awesome that you are moving on your own, when are you moving?

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Yeah, but my Mum's going to go off on a tangent for me moving out. Since the mere mention of me, 2 years ago, saying I might move out if the rehab after my surgery in January 2016 goes well would have my mother in tears :crying: asking how she'd cope with me. :thumbdown:

Not sure yet when I'm moving, as I had to get a medical form filled and sent away to make the housing association aware of my disability (cerebral palsy). I've got a list of houses that I might be eligible for - four bungalows and the rest are flats (apartment building, ground floor). As my sister said, it's not that I'm incapable of looking after myself. It's just that our mother insists on she doing things for me, because she wants to still feel needed. :bigsmile: All that said, once I get the medical form done and sent off my place on the re-housing waiting list will go up considerably. Could be the later half of the year before I move out. :idontknow:

Just a matter of wait and see at the moment, and try to get together what I'll need to live on my own. Though, I'm a minimalist anyway, so should be fine.

Graeme1988 said:

Yeah, but my Mum's going to go off on a tangent for me moving out. Since the mere mention of me, 2 years ago, saying I might move out if the rehab after my surgery in January 2016 goes well would have my mother in tears :crying: asking how she'd cope with me. :thumbdown:

Not sure yet when I'm moving, as I had to get a medical form filled and sent away to make the housing association aware of my disability (cerebral palsy). I've got a list of houses that I might be eligible for - four bungalows and the rest are flats (apartment building, ground floor). As my sister said, it's not that I'm incapable of looking after myself. It's just that our mother insists on she doing things for me, because she wants to still feel needed. :bigsmile: All that said, once I get the medical form done and sent off my place on the re-housing waiting list will go up considerably. Could be the later half of the year before I move out.

Just a matter of wait and see at the moment, and try to get together what I'll need to live on my own. Though, I'm a minimalist anyway, so should be fine.

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I'm sure moving on your own will be the best move of your life. You seem to be living in a very toxic environment. Don't let your family manipulate you into not moving. People who does everything for you, whether they are well intentioned or ill intentioned, are bad for you. And the crying mother is just being manipulative whether she realizes it or not. Your relationships with the members of your family will probably go uphill after living apart from them for a while :thumbup:

jinxed said:

I'm really bored again can anyone talk to me? I wonder why it's low in traffic.::

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Talk about what?

Pacific_Loner said:

I'm sure moving on your own will be the best move of your life.

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That's my perspective on it, but my mother is putting a downer on it by saying I won't be able to afford living on my own. :thumbdown:

Pacific_Loner said:

You seem to be living in a very toxic environment. Don't let your family manipulate you into not moving.

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It's the environment I grew up in. My family constantly being at each other throats, arguing. For me it's been praise one moment, cruelty and being taken advantage the next - as far as my trust goes - has sadly been my "normal". I've always been the scapegoat in the family. Aye, they say they think highly of me, but how they've acted towards me over the years says otherwise. :sad:

Pacific_Loner said:

People who does everything for you, whether they are well intentioned or ill intentioned, are bad for you.

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I've tried telling my mother that, but she refuses to listen. Though, she starting to see the wrongs of that in how my older sister has turned out. Nearly 40, but still acts like she's a teenager. Spoiled brat, as term goes. Yet I get guff, accused of being a bully, for merely pointing that out. Which has always pissed me off...

Pacific_Loner said:

And the crying mother is just being manipulative whether she realizes it or not.

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Oh, I think my mother fully aware she's being manipulative. I mean, there was a day there, back in October 2017, where she was bedridden the whole day with a sore, and me and my sisters had take care of her. All she did was complain, and say how she was in so much pain. Every time I check on her, I had to stay with her, despite just be in my bedroom, which is right next to hers. mg:

Pacific_Loner said:

Your relationships with the members of your family will probably go uphill after living apart from them for a while.

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My mother and eldest sister, maybe. But I don't see my relationship with my older sister improving. Since that's always been non-existent. As I've grown-up I've just seen how much of a disrespectful, patronising snob she has become. Always thinking everything should revolve around her, and being so paranoid as to think whenever she walk into a room we - me, my sister and our mother have been talking about her. Which we do, sometimes cuz it's so difficult to converse with her. Saying something that my older sister perceives as a slight to her, or in the "wrong tone of voice" and...



She goes off like a atomic bomb. "Why?" is favourite counter-argument. It's basically the whole I tend to avoid my older sister at all cost.
Plus, I always felt that she resent me for being and jealousy cuz I'm smarter than her, at least when it comes to computers.

jinxed said:

thanks for your reply. it seems like I'm the only one talking about how bored I am right now.

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I'm bored as well. Though my boredom is more due to feel like prisoner within my own home. :kickingmyself: :sad: And I'm walking on eggshell as far as whether it's okay to ask my mother about this or that, or will my older sister butt in and start an argument with me ? :question: mg:

jinxed said:

do you ever try going to the park?

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Aye, but only if the weather's decent.

4 hours studying in quiet: I feel fine.
2 hours studying with music: I get a headache.

Go figure.

jinxed said:

that's true, but if it's not that cold you can hear the birds singing/chirping and you're in nature. the only reason i don't go is b/c i don't want to go by myself right now.

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Yeah, I rarely go anywhere myself, either.

jinxed said:

I'd like to meet up w/ you to go to the park if you lived nearby but you do not.::

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Sadly not. But I ever get the notion to pack up n' move to America, I'll keep that in mind. :bigsmile:
You'd have to put with me complaining about the weather. Even though it'd probably be sunny.

Hot_Tamale said:

4 hours studying in quiet: I feel fine.
2 hours studying with music: I get a headache.

Go figure.

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Yeah, I get like that if I have music on while reading a book. I tend to keep any muisc to a low volume if I'm just putting it on in the background.

jinxed said:

i like spring and fall the best so you can't be complaining about that kinda weather lol

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No, no... I like the weather at those times ofyear as well. I just meant the weather in general. Scottish folk tend to complain if, say it's going to be sunny whole week, we'll say it's great initially. But, like 3 days in, if you mention the sunny weather, the typical Scottish response is complaining about it's too warm ("roasting hot"). :bigsmile: