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Old 12-11-2017
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I just can't deal with anything life throws my way. Every situation really F*cks me up bad. I try to face it the best that I can but I can't man....I just can't. If only I could go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of this world, the people in it and all the bs that comes along with it. Enough is enough. I JUST CAN'T F*CKING TAKE IT ANYMORE
Those are pretty much the thoughts that huv gone through my head since August.
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I just can't deal with anything life throws my way. Every situation really F*cks me up bad. I try to face it the best that I can but I can't man....I just can't. If only I could go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of this world, the people in it and all the bs that comes along with it. Enough is enough. I JUST CAN'T F*CKING TAKE IT ANYMORE
I feel you. Looking back on 2016 now, it feels like that was just the emotional foreplay before the real f*cking began in my life in 2017. A real powerful song that resonates with me is called One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture, I heard it on the radio driving home from work today and I started tearing up one night this year driving home because it felt like it's what I needed to hear at that time. Every time I hear that song it feels like it's telling me despite all the chaos and storms in my life, hey, I do have an unchanging anchor that won't lie, cheat or give me BS and fake love. Am I trying to convert you to some religion? No. But everyone should have an anchor in their own life, so I hope you find yours.
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Old 12-11-2017
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I feel you. Looking back on 2016 now, it feels like that was just the emotional foreplay before the real f*cking began in my life in 2017.
I guess 2016 was the same for me as well. Ah kinda regret having my orthopaedic surgery done. Not because it hasn't helped me any, but my life didn't change in the way I'd hoped. So, I feel like all that drive to get fit and well was for nuthin'. My family still think my only purpose in life to appease them, capitulate to their way of thinking, etc.

Looking back on 2016, I can actually say I was the happiest I'd been in awhile, that year.

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A real powerful song that resonates with me is called One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture, I heard it on the radio driving home from work today and I started tearing up one night this year driving home because it felt like it's what I needed to hear at that time. Every time I hear that song it feels like it's telling me despite all the chaos and storms in my life, hey, I do have an unchanging anchor that won't lie, cheat or give me BS and fake love. Am I trying to convert you to some religion? No. But everyone should have an anchor in their own life, so I hope you find yours.
Yeah, for me Metallica's The Unforgiven is the song that really resonates with me, lately. Oh, and their song Hardwired, cuz it's basically described my family.
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Feeling this real sense of grief and loss. Something I haven't felt since my father passed away, back in 2012. This emptiness. Ah can't motivate myself to do anything other than to drink, write crappy poetry which could double as song lyrics. And waste away my days watching crime documentaries and old episodes of VH1 Behind the Music on YouTube. How sad...

Sipping a 700ml bottle o' booze, hoping it will see through Christmas and into New Year. That's how feckin' low I'm feeling the now.

My brain feels heavy. Don't even know if I'll be able to get back into making music again.
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I guess 2016 was the same for me as well. Ah kinda regret having my orthopaedic surgery done. Not because it hasn't helped me any, but my life didn't change in the way I'd hoped. So, I feel like all that drive to get fit and well was for nuthin'. My family still think my only purpose in life to appease them, capitulate to their way of thinking, etc.

Looking back on 2016, I can actually say I was the happiest I'd been in awhile, that year.
I wouldn't say getting fit is all for nothing. If you can't repair a joint problem then you can strengthen the muscles surrounding the joints to stabilize them better. Surgery for a knee problem or something? I know you said you suffer from a congenital condition. Cerebral palsy was it?


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Yeah, for me Metallica's The Unforgiven is the song that really resonates with me, lately. Oh, and their song Hardwired, cuz it's basically described my family.
Oh yea! Love that one by Metallica. The song "nothing else matters" was the song I picked to play during part of my high school graduation. Enter Sandman, Master of puppets, and Sad but True are all my favorites too. If you haven't heard anything by Hinder, they're pretty good, but not as smash-mouth rock stylish like Metallica.
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Just submitted my last paper for this semester! Now I can relax for a while . Also, I made a profitable trade in the stock market this afternoon. best monday iv had in a WHILE.
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I wouldn't say getting fit is all for nothing. If you can't repair a joint problem then you can strengthen the muscles surrounding the joints to stabilize them better. Surgery for a knee problem or something? I know you said you suffer from a congenital condition. Cerebral palsy was it?
Yeah. If I remember right, the surgery was a realignment of the right knee. Calf muscle lengthening on both legs. And shorten some muscles in my both feet to get them as flat as possible.

And when I said it feels like it was for nuthin', it's because me and my consultant surgeon had the same end goal in mind: Me being a bit more independent and getting about more.

And here I am, nearly 2 years later, still feeling as stuck in a rut. Being told to prioritise my family's happiness over my own. As I did just before finally decided to actually have the operation. Which is made my mind up on in the summer of 2015.

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Oh yea! Love that one by Metallica. The song "nothing else matters" was the song I picked to play during part of my high school graduation. Enter Sandman, Master of puppets, and Sad but True are all my favorites too.
With Metallica, I tend to lean more towards James Hetfield's more personal lyrics, like Holier Than Thou, Dyers Eve and Mama Said. I mean they're other stuff good, too. It's just when yer going through a difficult time in life, you can find more than a few 'Tallica songs that relate to your situation.

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If you haven't heard anything by Hinder, they're pretty good, but not as smash-mouth rock stylish like Metallica.
Hinder - I've only heard one song by that band. Never really got into their music, though.
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Old 12-12-2017
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Depressed, I just want to sleep all the time lately.
That is difficult to deal with when your in that stage.
Then when you do sleep too much, do you feel really guilty? I do. Then I have to deal with the guilt on top of the depression.

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I just can't deal with anything life throws my way. Every situation really F*cks me up bad. I try to face it the best that I can but I can't man....I just can't. If only I could go to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of this world, the people in it and all the bs that comes along with it. Enough is enough. I JUST CAN'T F*CKING TAKE IT ANYMORE
Yep. The hurdles of life can sometimes be so damn high, and so close together, you just run right into them and get all tangled up.....then splat! you end up face-first in the dirt.

You get told to "just get up and keep running". But F*ck, how many years of super-high hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after hurdle after F*cking hurdle, are you supposed to put up with!?... before you are allowed to stop running and stop getting hurt!!?? :, (



I am feeling 100% despair at the moment. I feel like a pile of maggot excrement.
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Sipping a 700ml bottle o' booze, hoping it will see through Christmas and into New Year
I find, when my spirits are low, sipping on spirits helps me to "get by" just that little bit better.
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That is difficult to deal with when your in that stage.
Then when you do sleep too much, do you feel really guilty? I do. Then I have to deal with the guilt on top of the depression.

I am feeling 100% despair at the moment. I feel like a pile of maggot excrement.
No, I don't feel guilty for sleeping off my depression because it works, ha ha. It's better to be asleep and depressed than awake and miserable.

What's got you feeling so bad? Maggot excrement is about as low as it gets.
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I find, when my spirits are low, sipping on spirits helps me to "get by" just that little bit better.


Agreed!
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I'm feeling really good. I had a beautiful talk with my friend today - we are peeling back a lot of layers in terms of emotions. I think our friendship is going to push me to grow and be a better person. Really thankful that I met her. First term of school is over - straight A's. I'm going to enjoy this month off in between terms.

I think 2018 will be my best year yet - I am finally starting to bloom.
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WOOT! Go Sarah!
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I exposed my fear at our yearly work get together. I wore a wig and gave a comedy skit as Fabio design consultant to the stars. People laughed and cheered and applauded at the end.

Next day I gave a presentation about to about 12 people. Some said it was sensational.

It was good to expose myself to fear, but by the end of those two days I was ready for a padded cell.
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I don't know what's going on, perhaps it's got to do w/ the meds I've been trying but I'm really afraid of my condition.
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I'm feeling really good. I had a beautiful talk with my friend today - we are peeling back a lot of layers in terms of emotions. I think our friendship is going to push me to grow and be a better person. Really thankful that I met her. First term of school is over - straight A's. I'm going to enjoy this month off in between terms.

I think 2018 will be my best year yet - I am finally starting to bloom.
Well done with the straight A's Sarah!
It is inspiring to read when one of us achieves something good.
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I exposed my fear at our yearly work get together. I wore a wig and gave a comedy skit as Fabio design consultant to the stars. People laughed and cheered and applauded at the end.

Next day I gave a presentation about to about 12 people. Some said it was sensational.

It was good to expose myself to fear, but by the end of those two days I was ready for a padded cell.
Holy moley, Kiwong!
Half of me wants to congratulate you for actually doing those scary things and doing a great job of them.
Then the other half of me is hoping your recovery from the affects of doing them, is quick. >.>
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WOOT! Go Sarah!
Thanks, Pug! I'm feeling pretty proud of myself - I finally called the driving school back today (been putting it off due to fear) and am scheduled for my first lesson this Thursday. If I can conquer this fear, I can do anything. I actually learned from my psychology teacher that a new experience doing something you're afraid of, will flush an old experience out. The more you do it, the easier it becomes (I feel like everyone knows that, though haha) and the physiological effects will disappear over time (sweating, blushing, shaking etc.). I guess that information sank in more because my teacher is about to get her PHD in psychology and is a highly intelligent, educated woman - in other words: I trust her :p
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Well done with the straight A's Sarah!
It is inspiring to read when one of us achieves something good.
Aww, thanks Blue! I'm a little miffed that I got an A- in my writing class - I have gotten A's on every assignment and even gave extra credit, so that means my final paper was terrible. I'm just glad it didn't mess with my 4.0 GPA because I need that to get into my physician's assistant program.
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Old 12-13-2017
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While ah should be happy as Larry that things might be getting back to "normal" soon, I'm pretty sure I'm heading for a massive nervous breakdown, like my mother. And I don't just mean breaking down in tears, I'm talking vitriolic screeds of pure f*ckin' rage.
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