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Old 09-11-2017
 

So glad this day is over and it's time to go to bed.
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FountainandFairfax (09-13-2017)
Old 09-11-2017
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The AAARRRGH!!! that is HIDDEN, and CREEPS UP on you, manifesting as "a slight issue with the mood"...

This is what my mood has propelled me to listen to (which is good in a way!), my very own youtube playlist!!! --> Pearl Jam - Compilation Tape (Side A & B); v2 (no ads)
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Old 09-11-2017
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Hate this feckin' narcissistic, instant gratification culture social media has created. This "Now, now, now! Look at me!" attention-who're mentality. Like being back in school and watching yer friends trying to outdo each as to who can do something more impressive.

And they say I'm anti-social. Well, thank f*ck if that's the case!
Cuz I wouldn't want be as self-centred and needy as people around me. F*ckin' bitches!

Sorry, that rant was sparked by my oldest sister pestering me to do something, when I'm too busy fixing my laptop. I don't need distractions right now. Piss off!
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Old 09-12-2017
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I think I am ready for all of this to be done and over with. I couldn't make anything out of myself as an adult. I didn't establish a career and I can't do anything because of my issues which leads to letting the people around me down. I failed the game of life. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore either because the person I see is someone that I just can't stand. All of it is just too much. It will end one day but I am hoping that it is sooner rather than later.
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Old 09-13-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by defiance View Post
I failed the game of life
That's funny, in a dream last night, i had lent the board game "game of life" to somebody, and for some reason couldn't get it back (i think he'd lent it to sby else .. whatever the case, i am unable to play the game! lol)
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Old 09-14-2017
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It's... 5 o'clock in the morning?! F*ck... right off!!

Not been sleep much - Christ! You'd think I'm the one with 2 kids to raise. I'm feeling stressed, suicidal and cooped up in my own house. Part of me is kinda hoping this totally does my mum in, so I'll have an excuse to end it all, myself. Though, at this rate, it's more likely me that going to kill myself.
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Old 09-14-2017
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Last week or so I have had several conversations that went well. I call myself solitary, but I really enjoy company and conversation that goes well. It's gold.
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FountainandFairfax (09-14-2017)
Old 09-14-2017
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Well, in short, I just caused another family argument that wasn't my fault, but was. Just like what happened last month. But hey, I've always been the scapegoat in my family. So, I just hoping I die in my sleep tonight. Please Gawd, just let it end!. Because I've seriously had enough of living this life. Cuz I am, and never will be good enough, ye see? No matter how selfless, kind, honest and caring I try to be towards others... It's never bloody enough.
It would appear those qualities are not well in today's Generation Me society

Come to think of it, I rarely thought about myself and my well-being until last year and the latter months of 2015.
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Old 09-14-2017
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Iv noticed that ever since I worked at a prison, my tolerance for hurtful people and mean-spirited people has gone WAY down. I can't stand how people act likes its ok to screw with someone as long as they do it in an insidious way. The intention is the same whether its readily evident or NOT....Being a sh!tty person is still messed up even if you do it "under the table", so to speak. Kind of like when someone KNOWS your insecurities and they'll use them against you. In general, if you're a sh!tty person people will ALWAYS find out eventually.

reminds me of this video I saw a while back.
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Old 09-15-2017
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Well, I've just projectile vomitted into the bin at my bedside - twice with the space of an hour. I hate being sick. First-time, I didn't grab the bin quick enough and was sick down the side of my mum's bed and on her floor. Ew, gross! Now, I'm slightly afraid to try an get some sleep, in case it happens again. But as precaution, I'm lying on my side.

So now, my mum and I aren't feeling too well. And she did the same projectole vomiting in the bedside bin earlier in the evening when she asked if it'd be awrite if ah didnae stay up, and we went to our beds earlier than usual. And she just throw up over the bin, caught some of the bedside table as well.
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Old 09-15-2017
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Having some tea, smoking a bowl, and wondering why am I still thinking of my ex after him leaving me 8 months ago.

Likely going to have a job in October, haven't worked in a year, or spoken to many people other than the mother and brother. My mental illness helped cause a rather large work gap on my resume. 3+ years of gaps

Been almost a year since last suicide attempt. Thinking me not being on meds is no longer an option in my life, I get too crazy without it. But I hate it.

Looking forward to the new season of The Walking Dead coming up in October!
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Old 09-15-2017
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All I want is to be genuinely happy, for once in my life, is that too much to ask?
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AtTheGates (09-15-2017)
Old 09-15-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
All I want is to be genuinely happy, for once in my life, is that too much to ask?
I don't believe in genuine happiness in this realm. I believe that there are moments in our lives that have the ability to make us momentarily less miserable before our hearts steer us towards the next "carrot on a stick" so to speak. Being content in the midst of our circumstances.. I believe that's always possible.
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Old 09-16-2017
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Someone mentioned this photo in my art class.


...a picture really is worth a thousand words.





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Old 09-16-2017
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Quote:
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...a picture really is worth a thousand words
Make that 2000 words, due to the tattooes!
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AtTheGates (09-16-2017)
Old 09-16-2017
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These days especially, i exist in a constant and meandering state of dissatisfaction.

Ps: I wonder if that wee black boy feels dissatisfied with life? i think, if he's were fed a good diet, and he doesn't have SA or some other mental health disorder, then he'd feel okay or even good about his life?

Ps2: I wonder if i'm a "malcontent", or just too negative? (it's always nice to put a name to the disorder/etc)
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Old 09-16-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hot_Tamale View Post
I don't believe in genuine happiness in this realm. I believe that there are moments in our lives that have the ability to make us momentarily less miserable before our hearts steer us towards the next "carrot on a stick" so to speak. Being content in the midst of our circumstances.. I believe that's always possible.
That'd be great, if being genuinely happy isn't possible. I guess I just wish I didn't constantly have to compromise my own happiness to make sure those around me are content.

I mean, I can be content amidst my circumstances, doesnae take much too ensure that. Unlike my family who complain about how crap their lives are, and somehow I'm partly to blame for that, but never get given the reason(s) why that is. And they'd rather that my life revolve around them all the time. Narcissist c*nts!
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Old 09-16-2017
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Are feeling "beyond words", except that it seems to have sth to do with lack of people/social. Is that loneliness i wonder? (but i watch tv, listen to music, have pets, come on here .. so how can it be???)
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Old 09-16-2017
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Getting sick of hearing my mum bemoan the fact she took my middle sister and her grandchildren (my nieces) in, following my sister's martial breakdown. It's always me who gets it. But as soon as I complain: They think it's a right laugh!

And I'm the one who lacks empathy and consideration for others?
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Old 4 Weeks Ago
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Life gets pretty damn boring when you stay at home & hardly ever go abroad (& also hardly ever talk to anybody). That's why i think i drink a fair bit, to handle the boredom (the "boredom blues"). In fact, since i vaguely feel like hitting/smashing stuff, i'll probably play some violent death/doom metal tonight - that'll go down a "treat". That, and hit the hard grog.

At The Gates (At War With Reality) is "kicking some fine as$". That's the type of as$-kicking i wanted!!!

Now, after a couple of ATG albums, i'm "f*cked". Oh well, no more hatred & violence then, time for Little River Band!
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