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Old 08-15-2017
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Key insight: Bored to faacking faackery with blocks (tetris) = means i'm bored to faacking faackery in general
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Old 08-15-2017
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Lookin' California, but feelin' Minnesota. To quote a lyric from one of my favourite songs by Soundgarden.

I don't know, really. Except that I'm not happy, I know that much. And after this past Sunday, I feel a even greater urge to just stop caring... about anything and everyone around me. My sisters only seems to care about themselves. Cuz they didn't give 2 f*cks about the fact I'm the one suffering in silence here, while they constantly argue. But we're all supposed to pretend we get along... Aye right! Feck off!

At least now I know my place within my family now - the n**ger. The slave. The subordinate. Less than. Inferior. But, as I told my oldest sibling in a mini-rant email, yesterday - I'm use to it.

Also, haven't slept right for 3 days now.
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Old 08-17-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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I've got to start taking better care of myself, a kidney stone three months ago and now other physical problems are starting to dawn.

At this rate I'll be in REALLY bad shape ten years from now if I don't get a hold of my bad habits. I know it's just an excuse, but when I'm depressed and restless all of my bad habits keep me sane. A mountain dew does perk up my mood, a cheese danish does make me feel warm inside.

Caffeine and sugar are my love and my life, ha ha.

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Old 08-17-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FountainandFairfax View Post
...when I'm depressed and restless all of my bad habits keep me sane
You got that right! For me it's drinking when i'm bored.

Ps: Is Michael Bolton another one of your guilty pleasures? Good choice
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Old 08-17-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Ps: Is Michael Bolton another one of your guilty pleasures? Good choice
I celebrate the guy's entire catalog. B)
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Old 08-17-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc7 View Post
I feel inferior to certain people.
I feel inferior to most people. Truth be told. Everyone I met and know, in fact.

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Originally Posted by Marc7 View Post
I see, your dad visited you later in your life and wasn't around until then?
Kinda. Well, he was around because his first words upon seeing me, age 15, were: “Hey! Long time, no see”, as he gave me a hug. But I don’t have any memories of him. Just stories. And stories that don’t show him in a glowing light. So, to me, he was never around until my mid-teens.

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Your mother was not right to project her feelings on to you.
Oh, she still does it. As do my older sisters. Speak of which, I got berated the other day for telling the middle-child to calm down. And instead of saying sorry she proceeded to accuse me of being a bully. Because my mum and eldest sibling actually agree with me. Apparently, me being woken from my sleep at 10am to sound of her shouting is… irrelevant?

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So they are all younger then you?
I know some of them are, but I don’t know if all my sibling on my dad’s side of the family are younger than me.
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Old 08-17-2017
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I'm always sad, I can't do anything right, I'm afraid to interact with the world and therefore I can't be useful to anyone and all I think about on a daily basis is how much I wish I was dead. Today it really hit home that it truly is all over for me.
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Old 08-17-2017
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Nearly got in touch with The Samaritans, a UK charity to offers emotionally support to those who are either struggling to cope, feeling distressed and/or suicidal. Why did I? Mainly because I didn't know what to say or how to open up with breaking down in tears.

Quote:
Originally Posted by defiance View Post
I'm always sad, I can't do anything right, I'm afraid to interact with the world and therefore I can't be useful to anyone and all I think about on a daily basis is how much I wish I was dead. Today it really hit home that it truly is all over for me.
Same here. Though, after how I got treated on August 13th, I'm done with my family.
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Old 08-18-2017
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Feeling bad for all the minorities in the world. I was especially thinking about kurdish women today and how the islamic state has often taken many of them as s*x slaves...they've even murdered the children of kurdish women and forced them into cannibalism. I know thats a horrible subject but I think people need to know. I just can't believe people would do that to others...especially women and children.


im not a fan of violence and I dont condone it but under the circumstances I can understand why the Kurdish woman in this video feels like she needs to fight. The first time I saw this video I didnt realize the full extent of it but learning more about the murder of kurdish women REALLY puts this in context : / .She's fighting to protect her people.

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Old 08-18-2017
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I struggle to find reasons as to why I should keep going. Yet, finding reasons to end it all are all to clear and easy to think of.
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Old 08-18-2017
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im sick of all the civil unrest going on in the south because of race...its like "hey remember racism? lets bring that sh!t up again..yeah lets reach WAAAAY back to the 1800's and just throw salt in old wounds"




and also you literally cant have even a SLIGHTLY different opinion than the majority on this subject or you're supposedly a racist biggot...what?.....can I admit that I just like being white?....NOPE ! shut up, white boy!.
-_-


seriously , these people that participated in the riots in Virginia are SUCH morons . I realize that some people see that and think "wow these guys are tough/cool" but honestly they're IDIOTS. did you SEE the video footage? thy were fighting in the streets with sticks, batons, and shields like it was fvcking 1865.....I mean really I understand the symbolism of that stuff and in a figurative sense its cool...but when you're ACTUALLY taking it literally and fighting another person in the street in a giant melee...you really need to access your life.



I feel bad for the charlottesville police department...seriously..because you know what would happen if they had stepped in a put a stop to it?...people would be claiming police brutality in the blink of an eye.



I will ALWAYS stand with the police....ALWAYS....and guess what? these anarchists have NOTHING on them. period!
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Old 08-19-2017
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Originally Posted by defiance View Post
I struggle to find reasons as to why I should keep going. Yet, finding reasons to end it all are all to clear and easy to think of.
Here's a reason to keep going (for what it's worth!): To find a reason to keep going.
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Old 08-19-2017
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Old 08-19-2017
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I remember a time of chaos... ruined dreams... this wasted land.
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I want to beat my uncle up.
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Old 08-19-2017
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I want to beat my uncle up.
What's he done
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Old 08-19-2017
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Like I'm about to snap n' hit my older siblings.

And, I know, ya shouldn't hit wimmin, but... I feel an exception can be made for females who tend to fly into a violent rage over the most trival, petty things. Making arguments outta f*ck all. Or react angrily to being told the truth. But hey, pathological lying c*nts. The truth to them like sunlight to a f*ckin' vampire.
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Old 08-19-2017
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Listening to romantic music for past few hours, and drinking, as i do. But it's just reminding me of how much of a reject i am & how i can never get a woman in my life. It almost makes me feel like offing myself, just to prove a point, or "get back" at the world, for never having had (a) love in my life.
Honestly, i can't ever see it happening (finding a woman who'll love & accept me). I know there's more to life than that (love) ... or is there???
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Old 08-19-2017
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
It almost makes me feel like offing myself, just to prove a point, or "get back" at the world, for never having had (a) love in my life.
Hoestly, i can't ever see it happening (finding a woman who'll love & accept me). I know there's more to life than that (love) ... or is there???
While I'm not in the same mindset, I gave up on the idea of finding a wummin who'll love n' accept. I mean, I'd off myself to prove a point to my family, ie. "See? Yous were the bad ones, not me!"

Plus, if my mother and older sisters don't really love n' accept me, there's no much chance for me. But I've long since accepted that the about myself. So..
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Old 08-19-2017
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Here's a reason to keep going (for what it's worth!): To find a reason to keep going.
I get what you are trying to say. The only problem is that if you keep looking for a reason to stick around and it is always the same thing, you never find one, then you are just sticking around and looking for something that doesn't exist. I don't know that's just my opinion on it. But I see from some of your posts you are really hitting some lows yourself. I doubt me saying this will help but I really do hope you feel better sooner rather than later.
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Old 08-19-2017
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started my online classes today! I'm glad I registered for criminal justice because I'm liking this subject a lot so far. its going to be one of the easiest courses though.

I submitted this earlier for the introductory assignment:

My Name is William but I go by Will. Generally im not big into going to crowded places, nightclubs, malls, and that kind of thing. I’d rather go hiking , do some photography, read or , watch a documentary. I think a whole lot more can be gained from brainstorming certain world issues than going to a club and drinking all night..but thats just me. I respect other people’s point of view and try to hear people out , even when I don’t initially agree with them. I think its important to speak up for people in society who don’t have a voice or are often just over-looked . The disenfranchised, the outcasts, the ones who just don’t fit into polite society. Directing light onto important issues is something I hope to continue to do well into the future as I learn more about criminal justice.

Not too long ago I began my first experience in the criminal justice field . To be honest, it was ALOT to take in. I was hired at a prison for male inmates **** called ****** Correctional Institution. I quickly realized the difficulties that people who work in criminal justice face on a daily basis and I have the utmost respect for the superiors that I worked under for being able to deal with these young men on a frequent basis. Mainly the day-A shift sergeant of dorms 3 and 4 who went out of her way many times to help me when the inmates were basically walking all over me. When you’re afraid and someone helps you/protects you, you’ll never forget them and the kindness and courage they showed in the face of danger.

Going through orientation you learn a lot about what goes on in prisons , the risks involved , gang culture, weapons used by inmates, how to avoid the deception of inmates, safety procedures, self-defense maneuvers, etc. Although there are some things you don’t learn until you’re on the job for a while. Like workplace politics in prisons. THAT is something that was kind of a rude awakening for me. Most of the other officers I worked with were good people but a small fraction of them I worked with were not. A few of them seemed to have no interest in working together as a team with me and I found myself alone at times. (and a dorm full of crips, bloods, and gangster disciples is NOT a good place to be alone) A correctional institution should be full of officers who work together as a solid unit like a phalanx, figuratively speaking. Regardless of whether or not you personally like another officer or are friends with them you should view them as your team mate. Thank god my superiors helped me out as well as MANY exemplary officers . Overall, the officers there are top notch.


That being said, when the opportunity to go to college came up sooner than I had expected I went ahead and applied at ***. I realized that I was not going to be able to accomplish what I hope to do in the criminal justice field (which is HELP people) with my current credentials and training .

I know what its like to feel disenfranchised and over-looked . I can empathize with many people who have deviated from society and drifted towards places they shouldn't be. Places where drugs as well as other criminal activity are rampant. When it really comes own to it, people are going to go where they feel excepted. Where they feel like people want them around…so where do you go when you’ve been negatively labeled and polite society has rejected you?

Drug use and abuse is a problem that plagues many crime infested areas where gangs have set up shop and are making a living off of selling narcotics to anybody and everybody. Some do it just do get by because they cant find a job and need to support their families. Others do it to get rich, but either way there is NO EXCUSE for such behavior. The ones that are the most dangerous are the ones involved who want all the money AND the power because they’ll do almost anything to bring in mass amounts of drugs to sell. They might even form a co-op with the worst of the worst (MS-13) just out of greed. Iv heard of predominantly african-american gangs even working together with the aryan brotherhood just to sell drugs. does moral code and ethics just go out the window? for many gang members and drug dealers it DOES. ..and when you’re dealing with people like that , collateral damage to communities is a given. …because people like that do NOT care who they hurt. even innocent women and children who just happen to fall into the collateral image of gang culture like quick sand.

The main issue of drug use and abuse are the people who are bringing it in. The greedy people who are getting rich off of the addiction and misery of others. But that brings up the question: who controls access these drugs? a shot-caller in a gang is often just as guilty as a corrupt pharmacist who allows these drugs to be accessed en mass. The blood is on the hands of MANY….so basically when it comes down to it I think its vital to keep an eye on the greediest ones who are involved in selling drugs. I think its very important for social institutions (church, police, schools, neighborhoods, hospitals) to work together to analyze the impact of drug use and abuse on communities in order to prevent collateral damage. Once again , the metaphor of a phalanx comes to mind.
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