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Old 1 Week Ago
GraybeardGhost's Avatar
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My cowardly nature is becoming a source of frustration. Why do I have to be such a chickenshit?

Also, unusually tired after a night of acid reflux and insomnia. Life this morning is crap.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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That awkward moment when you have to educate the educators....seriously......if social institutions arent the way they SHOULD be then SAY something about it. but only if your heart is in it, not for some ulterior motive..."thirty pieces of silver" wont last ....but a true heart WILL...a true heart lives on FOREVER through stories and legends.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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On days of hopelessly monotonous & continuous boredom like these, i start thinking of death & suicide. I mean, what's the point in living, when nothing ever changes, nothing exciting ever happens, with almost no stimulation at all
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Old 6 Days Ago
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It's funny because today randomly I started remembering a few of my birthdays. I remember that for the last 10 maybe 12 of them, I have felt horribly depressed when that day comes around. Not because of that fact that I am ageing, I couldn't care less about ageing, but because it reminds me that on that day many years ago I was born. When you wish almost on a daily basis that you had never been born then well.....that day might just be super depressing for you. Anyone else feel this way? Just curious.
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Old 6 Days Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by defiance View Post
It's funny because today randomly I started remembering a few of my birthdays. I remember that for the last 10 maybe 12 of them, I have felt horribly depressed when that day comes around. Not because of that fact that I am ageing, I couldn't care less about ageing, but because it reminds me that on that day many years ago I was born. When you wish almost on a daily basis that you had never been born then well.....that day might just be super depressing for you. Anyone else feel this way? Just curious
Well today is my birthday, and it always seems the days before it are always bad days, and this time has confirmed that. Today started off as a bad day, but i did sth different, and now i'm 100% faacked, depressed in fact, and just ITCHING to do myself in. I just SO SO SO want to do it lately. Not sure what's stopping me, probably fear - fear of my attempt not working & botching things up.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Well today is my birthday, and it always seems the days before it are always bad days, and this time has confirmed that. Today started off as a bad day, but i did sth different, and now i'm 100% faacked, depressed in fact, and just ITCHING to do myself in. I just SO SO SO want to do it lately. Not sure what's stopping me, probably fear - fear of my attempt not working & botching things up.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Well today is my birthday, and it always seems the days before it are always bad days, and this time has confirmed that. Today started off as a bad day, but i did sth different, and now i'm 100% faacked, depressed in fact, and just ITCHING to do myself in. I just SO SO SO want to do it lately. Not sure what's stopping me, probably fear - fear of my attempt not working & botching things up.
I know what you mean. The desire to get it over with is getting strong with me as well. Honestly the only thing holding me back are the people that care about me. I mean if I didn't have them then it would be really easy for me to go for it. But I don't want to be the reason why they end up suffering after I am gone. So yeah. And a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you as well.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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Think about suicide. I've just had enough of tolerating the stupidity and ignorance I see and hear from my mother and older siblings.

Constantly huvin to validate and agree with every thought, opinion, idea and suggestion they make. Since ah know first-hand how they react to me being criticial of them. And it ain't a pretty sight.

Also, I doubt movin' oot would solve or make a lick o' difference to be honest. Since, even if I did, they'd still find a way of make sure they still dictated how my life should be. Because that how they are. And they won't change now, despite me givin' 'em chance efter chance.

I've just given up, tell ye the truth. Don't see the point of wasting my time, anymore.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Well today is my birthday, and it always seems the days before it are always bad days, and this time has confirmed that. Today started off as a bad day, but i did sth different, and now i'm 100% faacked, depressed in fact, and just ITCHING to do myself in. I just SO SO SO want to do it lately. Not sure what's stopping me, probably fear - fear of my attempt not working & botching things up.
^ Hope you have had a Happy - as is possible considering your circumstances - Birthday, theslowesthand.

My birthday is in a few days and I am actually grateful at each Birthday because it means one less year I have to be in this horrible life. Another year closer to passing away of natural causes.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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Can anybody see the image above? As i just got a blank screen.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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^ Hope you have had a Happy - as is possible considering your circumstances - Birthday, theslowesthand.
Well it certainly wasn't a happy day, but i got through it, which was all i was hoping to do. I went to bed early, got some rest.

But overall, i'm hoping i get maybe some kind of cancer, and i'll refuse all treatment. I'm crossing my fingers for that. I'd HATE to have to live another 45 years.
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Old 4 Days Ago
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Can anybody see the image above? As i just got a blank screen.
Yeah, I could see it, mate. Definitely post that image correctly.
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Old 4 Days Ago
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I feel numb inside.
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Old 4 Days Ago
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I feel numb inside.
Same. Though I'm also wondering why I bother anymore.
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Old 4 Days Ago
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So I spent my day yesterday at my city's theme park. They have this ride called the Power surge, it takes you up a long conveyor belt in a big boat ride and then drops down like a big slide into the shallow water. The thing about the ride is that there is a bridge right above the end of the slide that is above the water and anyone that stands there while the ride is coming down will be drenched with a giant rush of water. I used to be absolutely terrified of standing on the bridge and getting soaked because I was scared of the amount of water that would come rushing towards me and I was scared I would get blown off the bridge. But now, for the past several times that I've gone to the park it is the first thing I go and do. I head straight for that bridge and get dripping wet because it's always really hot outside. I suppose that's how all fears work. If I face them they get smaller. I can even try to take a nap on a ride now that used to scare me and make my heart beat faster when I went near it several years ago (although I wouldn't suggest napping on a ride).
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Old 4 Days Ago
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I think my head's going to explode. I'm having a really bad panic attack because I did something on Facebook that made someone else send me a message that I don't know how to respond to, and then the phone started ringing with the usual spam calls, but I thought maybe they were real calls about the thing I did, and now I can't breathe, and this is a run-on sentence, and I'm not at all happy with any of this. It was a nice thing I did, and it's a nice thing she wants to do, and anybody else would feel really good right now, but I'm not anybody else, so I don't. I think my fish may be burning, so I must go.
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Old 4 Days Ago
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one of the many things iv learned from working a prison can be summed up in a simple question . who are the angriest/saddest people to ever exist? Answer: the people who get no love. : / ...everyone wonders why young people join gangs or fly across the world to join isis....its because these young people were outcasts and gangs(crips, bloods, ms-13,aryan brotherhood,etc)
reached out to them and showed them love...so they followed those who showed them love.


the prison I work at consists of all male inmates...sometimes when Im there I look around at these guys and its like the island of misfit toys : /


when I first started working in corrections I didnt like when inmates would constantly ask me to leave their pod because half the time they'll make up any excuse to leave the dorm and just wander the complex if they can.....but over time iv gotten to the point where I'm letting more and more of them go to see the chaplain (she's like the nun of the prison who helps the inmates)... because if they're going to go ANYWHERE, at least their going there to hear about jesus..and jesus was all about love and TLC ...and for some of these inmates thats what they REALLY need because they never had a good mother and father to show them the way/the light. .....so I hope that when some of these guys get out of prison, they remember the love they were shown by the chaplain..and then the next time before they commit a crime they'll stop and think: WWJD

I hate when I look at an inmate and see nothing worth liking...I HATE that...id like to believe that all people have SOME kind of good in them but maybe it just got lost along the way and someone needs to help them remember that they ARE good people.

similarly, I saw this article recently and wondered , why did this young girl join ISIS? .....its because she felt alone and good christians didnt shepard her in and guide her in the right direction in life. she felt disenfranchised and felt like no one understood her. Thats why nuns exist . they help lost people. seriosuly, if a good christian woman had reached out to her this might not have happened

German schoolgirl who fled home to join ISIS is captured | Daily Mail Online


I want you to think about that the next time you see a lost person/outcast.....dont just judge them right off the bat.







on another note, this is one of the most beautiful woman if ever seen in my life.
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Old 3 Days Ago
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Woke up. My mother said summit to piss me. I spoke back, and criticised her - both of which are wrong, apparently. Now I'm in a crappy mood.
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Old 3 Days Ago
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Third anxiety attack in two days. I'm a-doin' real good here, folks.
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Old 3 Days Ago
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long day at work. things have become pretty much routine at work outside of a few inmate fights here and there and of course the constant insults from inmates to C.O.'s (one of the dumbest ones iv heard so far is "as your mom how my d*** tastes" which was said by an 18 year old bloods gang member/highschool drop out...lol...poor guy.

anyway, today a long day. we had bunch of new admissions , two of which who were Sur-13 members who basically wanted to leave dorms 3&4 and come hang out in dorm 2 after pretty much EVERY meal so I was arguing with them on and off all day and we had to cuff one of them just to get him to stfu.


there are immigrants coming from middle america( southern mexico and countries beneath it) who come here SPECIFICALLY for criminal purposes. meanwhile we have other immigrants who have been coming to this state from venezuela who are good people but just want to escape their corrupt government . there was recently a "symbolic vote" a few towns away from here for venezuleans because they were worried that their government was going to alter the ballot count somehow. I feel bad for them but I hope they appreciate what the U.S. is doing for them.


at work, I try to always remember that a lot of these inmates never had a good moral compass to begin with and probalby didnt have much of a good family. iv been reminding myself every morning: WWJD..but sometimes its hard...(so I listen to Bob Marley on the way to work!. lol)....but esepcially hard when I know that some of these gang members here who are around my age are always trying to recruit teenagers/vulnerable people into their gangs and it makes me really mad. gangs do that a lot, they look for down and out/disenfranchised young people because they know they're easy prey.



look, Im not against immigrants ..I just dont want Sur-13, MS-13, and Islamic state supporters slipping across our border because they claim to have family here. some of them use children as a masquerade and thats fvcking despicable .





a good thing though is the fact that , when I'm focusing on the problems of the world and trying to change them I dont think at ALL about the people that have hurt me...the people that have manipulated me and used me....knowing I can make a difference in the world if I keep striving forward is one of the best feelings iv ever had....everything else is lackluster in comparison.....as long as I dont let people bring me down I know I can improve the world in SOME way, even if I have to do it alone.
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