GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
Feeling the urge. There is no hole on this earth deep enough.
How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
theslowesthand
Banned
I didn't mean to imply i used to be normal, as i never was normal either (or happy).
defiance
Well-known member
I can't stand my sibling. Vile, ungrateful, angry, stupid, egomaniac, narcissistic, messy.......are just a few words to describe him. I thought the old man was bad but this guy takes the cake...hell he takes 100 cakes because he is that much worse. You know what....I was wrong about suicide. I really really was wrong about it. Suicide is the answer to all of my problems...ALL OF THEM. If things don't change this year, then next year I am going to be listening to those demons of mine more seriously.
theslowesthand
Banned
I'm not handling my feelings well at all. The depression is lingering. Only if the despicable person died would i feel better right now.
theslowesthand
Banned
I feel the same about my nephew. I'm trying my best not to escalate things between us (as it could VERY easily do so). We currently have a "strong dislike" towards each other; i don't want it to turn into hatred, as then things could get very nasty & possibly violent. I'm trying to learn about teenage boys on the web, to reduce my anger-causing misbeliefs, etc .. but can't find anything at all related to my exact situation .. so i'll just have forge a path for myself through the stinging nettles. I feel bad enough usually, without this "rude assault" on my being. All this could turn out to be my worst nightmare if i'm not VERY careful.
Last year i set a deadline for this year (now) to end my life if it hasn't improved noticeably. It has improved a little (not much), so i'm unsure whether it meets the criteria or not. But aside from that, presently i'm feeling suicidal almost every day, so that must say something. All i can say is that it's becoming more & more LIKELY that i'll someday end my own life; when that would be i guess depends on how much "staying power" i have to endure the suffering/torture/misery. I view suicide as a one-stop CURE-ALL solution, as well.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Just wondering what... tha f**k I'm doing with my life? :idontknow: Aside from wasting it. Ah feel useless...
Depression and anxiety seem to be my only "friends" in life. :sad: :crying:
Depression and anxiety seem to be my only "friends" in life. :sad: :crying:
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defiance
Well-known member
The thing is, regarding suicide, I look back at my life and all I see is years AND YEARS of anxiety and depression holding me back from practically everything. Even the times when I was engaged in fun activities I still felt dead inside. So many years of pain and torment......and then I think about suicide and that in a matter of seconds or minutes you can erase all those years of pain and prevent any further pain for yourself. The trade off is that anyone who cares about you will suffer probably for a lifetime. That is why I wish I was hated by everyone that currently cares for me. If that were to happen then I would apply for a gun license and buy a pricey whiskey to go along with it and then when my favorite month rolls around I will drink that bottle as much as I can and put that bullet into my messed up brain.
Writing about my own death actually makes me happy.....that is one way to tell just how f*cked up your mental state is and how ready you are to go. I am not even afraid of it. I am ready.......I am more than ready.
AtTheGates
Banned
the church is a social institution that has the ability to rival mass media in power when it comes to GUIDING people and they're intimidated by that. SOME news outlets and broadcasting companies dont want you to follow the church because if more people start doing THAT then they might realize all the crazy BS that mass media has you believing/thinking is important in life. why do you think so many young girls are under the impression that they have to have the perfect supermodel body? its because mass media basically TELLS THEM TO. It brainwashes them into thinking they're not good enough. My mom works at a hospital school and you'd be ASTOUNDED at the number of anorexic patients who are young girls. one thing my mom taught me when I was a child is that when you only see people through the eyes of jesus, you'll see them for who they truly are. no one is perfect but trying your best to be a good person is the key.
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FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
demolished
theslowesthand
Banned
Just another day in hell, sorely wishing i were dead :thumbdown: :sad:
It's living, and the act of dying, that i do dread
It's been a long, torturous path that i've tread
And now i'm hanging on by a thread
...
(PiP, Poetry in Progress ... <SUSPENDED>)
It's living, and the act of dying, that i do dread
It's been a long, torturous path that i've tread
And now i'm hanging on by a thread
...
(PiP, Poetry in Progress ... <SUSPENDED>)
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Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
It's a sunny day, I should be out there enjoying it. But my anxiety holds me back from doing so. :sad: F*ck! I'm such a wuss. :crying:
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
I'm using benadryl for anxiety but it makes me so drowsy.
I'm starting therapy again in a few weeks and I definitely don't want to get doped-up by the doctors like last time.
If I can find an OTC to take the edge off it'd be great.
I'm starting therapy again in a few weeks and I definitely don't want to get doped-up by the doctors like last time.
If I can find an OTC to take the edge off it'd be great.
What
Groggy af. I took a zyprexa last night because I was n desperate need of sleep. I slept for 18 hours straight, never slept that long in my life. That was more sleep than I had in the past 10 days combined. My clock is totally thrown off and I feel terrible right now, but I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow after catching up on some lost time. At least the hallucinations I was having from lack of sleep are gone. That shit knocks me out.
Groggy af. I took a zyprexa last night because I was n desperate need of sleep. I slept for 18 hours straight, never slept that long in my life. That was more sleep than I had in the past 10 days combined. My clock is totally thrown off and I feel terrible right now, but I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow after catching up on some lost time. At least the hallucinations I was having from lack of sleep are gone. That shit knocks me out.
worrywort
Well-known member
Had a bit of an incident at work today and I'm feeling a bit stressed and in need of venting. There are some people who seem to just make me more nervous than others, and the caretaker of the school I clean is one of those people. I think because standing up for myself has always been a weakness of mine, and I have a bit of a history of being walked over, while this caretaker is quite a strong, formidable character who tends to steamroller his opinions over you and I find it hard to say no to him sometimes.
Well earlier this year he was trying to get me to give up an entire day of my holiday to help him build a shed, and at first I unwillingly said yes, but then I confronted him about it and said no, it's not my job, and basically told him I didn't want to do more work for the school outside of my contracted work, so that means no longer doing the staff area that I'd cleaned for him the last couple years. And he got the hump, but said ok, and that was that.
Then a month or two later the school took over the contract and employed us directly, but they assured me again, that nothing would change, and I wouldn't have to do any work outside my contracted sections.
Well today, last day of term, the caretaker says to me, "oh I'm gonna need you to clean the staff area when you do the summer deep clean". And I said, no, I thought we'd agreed I didn't have to do that. And he said, "Well to be honest, you do whatever the school tells you to do. You're employed by us now".
And I didn't really know how to respond, so I, very reluctantly, said ok. But I felt pretty defeated and was really pissed off. Later I went to the headmistress and talked to her about it. I actually started slightly hyperventilating at one point which surprised me. I told her I must've walked fast to get here. But she recommended a compromise where I do the same hours I would ordinarily do, but I skip some of my section so that I can do the staff area too. Which I figured was ok, because I won't be doing extra hours and that was my main gripe. But I still feel like I've lost a battle and have been forced into this. But I'm not sure what rights I have as an employee. To an extent I feel like I DO have to do whatever they tell me. or do I? I don't know. This is why I hate confrontations and standing up for myself!!! It get's so messy!
It's a good job though, bar the caretaker, so I don't want to leave. The school would actually be screwed if I left cause there's no staff out there at all. We've been short staffed for years and I pretty much run the whole ship, cleaning wise. God, I'm just worried I'm being a baby about all of this, and over reacting. Maybe I have a fear of change? I think it's just the way the caretaker speaks to me, so forcefully, that I don't like. I basically feel bullied by him, but I know what he'd say. He'd say "welcome to the real world"
Well earlier this year he was trying to get me to give up an entire day of my holiday to help him build a shed, and at first I unwillingly said yes, but then I confronted him about it and said no, it's not my job, and basically told him I didn't want to do more work for the school outside of my contracted work, so that means no longer doing the staff area that I'd cleaned for him the last couple years. And he got the hump, but said ok, and that was that.
Then a month or two later the school took over the contract and employed us directly, but they assured me again, that nothing would change, and I wouldn't have to do any work outside my contracted sections.
Well today, last day of term, the caretaker says to me, "oh I'm gonna need you to clean the staff area when you do the summer deep clean". And I said, no, I thought we'd agreed I didn't have to do that. And he said, "Well to be honest, you do whatever the school tells you to do. You're employed by us now".
And I didn't really know how to respond, so I, very reluctantly, said ok. But I felt pretty defeated and was really pissed off. Later I went to the headmistress and talked to her about it. I actually started slightly hyperventilating at one point which surprised me. I told her I must've walked fast to get here. But she recommended a compromise where I do the same hours I would ordinarily do, but I skip some of my section so that I can do the staff area too. Which I figured was ok, because I won't be doing extra hours and that was my main gripe. But I still feel like I've lost a battle and have been forced into this. But I'm not sure what rights I have as an employee. To an extent I feel like I DO have to do whatever they tell me. or do I? I don't know. This is why I hate confrontations and standing up for myself!!! It get's so messy!
It's a good job though, bar the caretaker, so I don't want to leave. The school would actually be screwed if I left cause there's no staff out there at all. We've been short staffed for years and I pretty much run the whole ship, cleaning wise. God, I'm just worried I'm being a baby about all of this, and over reacting. Maybe I have a fear of change? I think it's just the way the caretaker speaks to me, so forcefully, that I don't like. I basically feel bullied by him, but I know what he'd say. He'd say "welcome to the real world"
BlueDays
1
Sadly Capitalism is the new religion in the West.
The media is used to make people feel 'not good enough' in all areas of life.
Then, any money people they have left over after the essentials - shelter, food, clothing, and bills are paid for, they will spend on whatever goods they can find to help them either - A) bring them up to the unattainable 'standard' advertised in all forms of media, or B) make themselves feel better with 'shopping therapy', purchasing the latest consumables that will make them 'Happy'.
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theslowesthand
Banned
I'm missing my stereo only one day after it stopped working. The silence is deafening. It's not the same playing music thru the laptop speakers (i usually use a cable from laptop to stereo system to play music, eg youtube music). There's something about hearing the audio & esp bass, through a powerful stereo; it almost makes the music "come alive", especially with hard rock, etc (eg "pumping out" van halen tunes). I rely on it to fill-in the empty void. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope it can be fixed!!! (crosses all fingers & toes).
All things die eventually, except MUSIC - it can't & it doesn't - it's eternal. One of the major constants in my life. Were the music to die, then so would I (in spirit).
All things die eventually, except MUSIC - it can't & it doesn't - it's eternal. One of the major constants in my life. Were the music to die, then so would I (in spirit).
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theslowesthand
Banned
I'm feeling generally confused about life, and whether i want to carry on with it or not (but i don't REALLY have any option except to continue on). I'm just sick to death of the boredom, misery, isolation, hopelessness, depression, etc. I want the endless suffering to stop. I want to "get to the point" of life with no further delay. But i guess that's too much to ask... :sad: :kickingmyself:
BlueDays
1
Be careful what you wish for though! I inadvertently got to "a" point in life 17 years ago, but I am still suffering and recovering from it! :sad:
The funny thing is, I would gladly sell my soul to the devil to go back to the boredom, complete isolation, and hopelessness that was in my life before I got to tick off a box of "a point to life".
I wish someone had warned me that the grass in not always "greener on the other side". If I knew then what I know now, I would have stayed where I was. :sad:
theslowesthand
Banned
Did you do something? Are the effects physical or mental/emotional? Could you ellaborate? :question:
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