How are you feeling?

Graeme1988 said:

That's now 2 days without having to listen to my mother nagging and whingeing.
Cuz she away visting my older sister in Ireland.

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I was wrong to be happy about this. So wrong. Cuz my mum was on the phone to my oldest sister uppset I never return any of her calls today. And, as per f**kin' usual, the guilt begins. :kickingmyself: Because, apparently, my not returning my mother's phone calls mean I truly despise the wummin.

How's that for narcissism, huh? "You dinnae return my calls today. You don't love me... :crying: Ya selfish b@$%art - ye only think o' yerself!"

Yet, anybuddy with a functional brain and an IQ above their f**kin' shoe size, would've taken the hint:

They're, either, busy - or just don't feel like talking to ye. Since you already phoned them yesterday. F**k sake!​

So the message is pretty clear: Me having even a day where I can whatever I want and not worry about my family... :no:

Who knows? Mibbe I'm just not meant to be happy? :idontknow: :sad:

Kiwong said:

My anxiety is worsening to become crippling. I started taking medication two days ago.

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^I hope the medication helps you, Kiwong. It can literally be a life saver.
Thank [insert whatever deity you prefer] that we live in an era that has medication for people like us readily available. :thumbup:

Pacific_Loner said:

Is there really such thing as a valid reason to deprive yourself of the right to feel good about something? I mean if all the rest of your life is shit, don't you deserve the small break that one good feeling can provide?

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You ask a very good question here, one to which I honestly don't know the answer. To some extent, I feel that I don't deserve the good moments, that all this bad stuff is a sort of karma coming back to kick my tail at the end of a rotten life. Then again, maybe I do deserve to find a few shiny things among the shit. Maybe I'm not as lowdown a character as I tend to believe.

Thanks, Loner. I'm going to have to give this a good think. :thinking:

BlueDays said:

theslowesthand said:

.....'This too shall pass' has never felt real to me, always just a fantasy future. To me, it's been an eternity of misery & hopelessness from now onwards, & only upon death doth it pass.....

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^ Exactly!! :thumbup:
Any current turmoil may 'pass' eventually, but then something else bad just comes along not long after to replace it!

Maybe bad things happening constantly is not normal for the people who give the untrue advice of "Things will get better". :idontknow:

Those people have no idea how lucky they are!!!!! :sad:

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However there is one respite, one break from all the shlt - the wierd but wonderful world of dreaming sleep. Where the amazing is normality (like last night - a tree growing upside down on a cloud, and me having bio-mechanical addons to my body, and kissing/pashing a real (in the dream) actual woman!)

It's after 2 o'clock in the morning... and I can't sleep. :kickingmyself:
Just repeating yesterday in my head. What I should've said, etc. But no, I've never permitted to express any anger or upset towards my family.

Of course, it's much healthier for a man just to keep all that rage within, isn't it? :veryangry: Nevermind if my anger is totally valid, given the inconsiderate, irrational actions of those around ye. :thumbdown:

Seriously doubting I'll be alive by the end of next year. Not that I'm going to take own life - a heart attack that's been 12 years in the making'll do that job. The stress, the constantly feeling obligated to please and appease my family, so as to avoid arguments. Reapeatly being blamed for things that weren't my fault, then being forced to apologise anyway. Being made to feel guilty for putting myself first.

Few, if any, would put up with half the stuff I have to from my family. Often wonder why I do, really? :sad:

im not particularly a fan of Katy Perry but I heard about this show called "The Therapist" and this episode kind of struck a chord for me because of certain things that she talks about.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBj0qJ6bcIg&t=317s

Worth watchin : )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuAXv5qaSbQ

I'm depressed. I'm not in the deepest depression I've experienced, but it is the longest and most hopeless span of depression I've ever been through. I really feel I'm never going to be not depressed again.

vj288 said:

I'm depressed. I'm not in the deepest depression I've experienced, but it is the longest and most hopeless span of depression I've ever been through. I really feel I'm never going to be not depressed again.

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Believe me, it WILL pass, vj288. When you're depressed though, the depression likes to think it will exist for eternity .. like most living entities. You gotta FIGHT the depression, and do the opposite of what it wants. That's putting it in simple terms. Best of luck to you.

BlueDays said:

^I hope the medication helps you, Kiwong. It can literally be a life saver.
Thank [insert whatever deity you prefer] that we live in an era that has medication for people like us readily available. :thumbup:

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Thanks Bluedays, it's supposed to help with anxiety. I need something to keep function. Good to hear medication has provided you some relief.

vj288 said:

I'm depressed. I'm not in the deepest depression I've experienced, but it is the longest and most hopeless span of depression I've ever been through. I really feel I'm never going to be not depressed again.

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Have you been getting your recommended daily allowance of sunlight, exercise, and fresh air? You didn't have a lot of color in your face in your last FB pic.

theslowesthand said:

Believe me, it WILL pass, vj288. When you're depressed though, the depression likes to think it will exist for eternity .. like most living entities. You gotta FIGHT the depression, and do the opposite of what it wants. That's putting it in simple terms. Best of luck to you.

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Thanks, I hope your're right.

NathanielWingatePeaslee said:

Have you been getting your recommended daily allowance of sunlight, exercise, and fresh air? You didn't have a lot of color in your face in your last FB pic.

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I've been trying, but I could be trying harder. I went hiking last week, am going to the beach today, and have been mowing my lawn and doing yardwork when it isn't pouring rain or I'm at work. Also I've gone bursts of running every day, but I'm struggling to get the habit to stick. I have got in the habit of writing everyday which I am glad about, but it ends up adding more inside time to my already inside-heavy schedule. Finding outside time to fit into my routine that I'll actually keep up with is definitely something have been working on. lately I've been considering trying to find something I can type on easily outside, so then I could do both at the same time. It's one of the things I could use the most work on for sure though.

Graeme1988 said:

Oh yeah, I’d say my physical disability is a big contributor to why I struggle with depression and anxiety. And the lack of understanding from my family as far as this stupid notion that I have no right or reason to be or feel depressed. The physical limitations due to my disability? The social isolation? The fact they – my family – talk down to me, like I’m dumb? But I supposedly one of only two “really smart” people in my family. :kickingmyself: h:

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Well anyone can be depressed even people without a disability so they are wrong no offense.

Graeme1988 said:

Okay. But it’s going to result in a fair few arguments, and me being sworn at. Since my mum and older siblings don’t like when I challenge them and ask why they always give me so much grief. And they’ve always enjoyed passing the blame onto me, even when I did nothing wrong, and me feel guilty. Oh you name it – crocodile tears, playing the victim. Anything to deflect from them, even though it’s usually them who are in the wrong, and should take responsibility.

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Oh, well maybe you can try family counseling? Or did I mention that before?

Graeme1988 said:

Well, yeah, whenever the three of us were in sitting In the living room together, there were a lotta long, awkward silences. We barely said a word to each other, even during my wee “reunion” with my dad. And I couldn’t just go: “So… what have you been up to for the last 14 years of my life?”

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Did the same thing happen when you were with him alone without your mother?

Graeme1988 said:

Oh Christ, no! He’d have been raging if he was – because he wasn’t exactly spoken of in a good light during my mother's rants. Anyway, the rants always started shortly after my dad’s visits ended, as soon as my mum waved him off as he drove away and she shut the front door. Then these man-hating rants would start. But hypocritical, I was told to give my dad “a chance” and that he “wasn’t a bad person, really”.

She'd also go off on one whenever I brought up the topic of relationships. :idonknow:

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Wow that is hypocritical, sounds like your dad hurt your mother emotionally.

Graeme1988 said:

Yeah, I’ve briefly met six of my half-siblings on my dad’s family at various points in my life. And went to my first music concert with one of them. But we didn’t really make small-talk or get to know one another, as I brought one of my schoolmates and my half-sister, Bella, brought her boyfriend along. So, I could hardly start asking about our dad. It’d have been a bit awkward.

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How much half-siblings do you have again from your dad's side? Are they full Kenyan? Yea that would of been awkward.

Life's getting too much for me. :sad: :crying:

Getting tired of having to remember everything - my mum and oldest sibling feign dementia everytime I question why it so difficult for them to remember. Even though the things they usual tell me to remember are things they have to do.

I've also had enough of the guilt-tripping. But my family are meant to be top priority, according to them. Cuz if ah don't, that means I don't love 'em. :kickingmyself: Och well, that's just how it is! It's not like I'm a disabled person who's had to learn to fend for myself, cuz my family were to lazy to teach me how because of my gender. Since men know everything. Don't we, lad? Geniuses from birth

The stresses and strains are starting to really take their toll on me. Only matter o' time afore that massive heart attack or brain aneurysm kills me. Yay!

Marc7 said:

Well anyone can be depressed even people without a disability so they are wrong no offense.

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I know they're wrong, no offence taken. :thumbup: Telling them that... Different story. That when offence is taken.

Marc7 said:

Oh, well maybe you can try family counseling? Or did I mention that before?

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You did actually mention that before. But my mum said she wouldn't go for it. Since I mentioned it before I start one-on-one counseling? Family counseling wouldn't work. Can just imagine it. My older sisters would just shout over each other and argument. Our mum would huv a nervous breakdown, since she prefer denying problems until things get really bad. And I'd be like this: mg: :kickingmyself: Then I finally lose my temper and start speaking my mind. Starting as direct rants in Scotland start: "See you..." followed by, "Aye, you're another yin..."

Did the same thing happen when you were with him alone without your mother?

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Yeah, well... We never really talk much anyway. Bit difficult to bond with a parent who wus seldom mentioned or talked when I was growing up? And if he was, my dad wasn't spoken about in good terms.

Marc7 said:

Wow that is hypocritical, sounds like your dad hurt your mother emotionally.

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And physically. But the emotionally hurt seems to had a lasting impact.And she's passed that hurt onto me by proxy. With little remorse even acknowledgement that man-hating rants and bitter relationship advice was bad parent. Since they were direct at me, even they were about my dad most of the time. And saying sorry after the fact doesnae change that for me. :thumbdown:

Marc7 said:

How much half-siblings do you have again from your dad's side?

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I have eight half-siblings on my father's side of the family. Originally there was ten, including me, but two them passed away in years prior to dad dying, himself.

Marc7 said:

Are they full Kenyan? Yea that would of been awkward.

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Don't actually know if they're full Kenyan or not. Since I don't know the nationality if the mother. But if my dad stayed with the same woman after leaving my mum - who was also a white Scottish woman - then they'll be bi-racial and half-Scottish like me. Belle definitely had the Scottish accent from what I recall, so... :idontknow:

I can't believe how many years of my life I have lost because of these damn demons.

defiance said:

I can't believe how many years of my life I have lost because of these damn demons.

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Aye, same here. 15 years and counting... for me. :sad: Though, often wonder what kinda fella I'd be today, were I raised in a stable family. :thinking:

Does it ever get better? It's all well n' good saying hang on in there. But I don't see the point in clinging to what little hope I have anymore, especially after what I went through in the last year, just to be told: "Maybe someday, huh?"

Wish I didn't feel so f**kin' guilty for my mere existence. :sad: