Spending today trying to avoid a potential oncoming depression. The feeling of anxiety & not wanting to do anything, coupled with a bored/restlessness; very tricky to find "the sweet spot" .. but i have PUSHED myself today, to take ACTION rather than stay in inactivity. The mood isn't the type where it "fixes itself" over time. It's also got that "cold" feeling to it (along with the physical coldness of winter - ie cold in more ways than one) .. which seems to happen right before depression.
Been listening to "CHOIR sings OM SO HUM Mantra" (youtube) for past couple hours, along with a steady bass tone (program), and the sound of waves/fire/blizzard (program). Overall a steady soothing diversional sound-scape. Still feeling somewhat anxious, but not as much.
Also having a few beers, as the hops tends to reduce my anxiety. And chocolate, a proven mood booster.
Now having a vodka mixer, to try to "warm my cockles"; trying to regain that safe/warm feeling, or to rid the feeling of running terrified from the unknown (my general anxiety).
'This too shall pass' has never felt real to me, always just a fantasy future. To me, it's been an eternity of misery & hopelessness from now onwards, & only upon
death doth it pass.
Now after another LOVELY day of
constant suffering, i'm playing this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFN9x6yE-iw
The feeling of going STIR CRAZY when alone, & NEEDING company, but none available (not even phone for now).
Alcohol + heavy metal = after day of torture. See, i can do the math .. CAN YOU???
To think i "made do" with basically just hard/heavy rock for many years, & only "smidgens" of heavy metal (eg metallica, iron maiden, judas priest, cypress hill .. to name a few). I made-do with what i had, what i knew, what i got given to me by a mad schizophrenic guy. In fact, i SEROULSLY wonder WHY he wasn't into hard-core heavy metal, just rock & softer; maybe it would have been "voices overload"? Too many voices in the headspace?
Here's a bottle of pills. And here's another. Oooooh, i wonder what do with them??????????????
I'll see jackie (my councellor) ... and then return to misery ... perhaps it's my destiny ... to be all alone at sea ... just me and the mystery???
(PiP, Poetry in Progress ... <SUSPENDED>)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZhux8pHjkM
My life
SUCKS BIG TIME!!!
NOTHING WORKS.
FOREVER in this pit of misery, severe limitation, hopelessness, helplessness & dread.
One of these days,
SURELY, i will lose all patience with this hopeless, pathetic, lame life ... and
FINALLY take the drastic measures i should have done as a
CHILD. :question:
My old man's like the devil, flitting around innocently, always evading blame for any wrongdoings, & never getting caught in the act. A sly evil calculating secretive trickster. Attacking me opportunistically, whenever such a situation occurs. Things going missing around the house, or things moved, or things broken - it's him, but i can't prove it. He does it to "attack" me (annoy me, upset me, make me feel anxious, etc). I KNOW it's him (for most of the times anyway), i just never catch him in the act, so can't "prove" it. He does things impulsively & opportunistically, without thinking too much, but thinking enough to be calculating.
Getting a wee bit too worked-up now.
From life you escape, reality’s black drape
Colors in your mind, satisfy your time
(black sabbath)