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Old 04-25-2017
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Either numb or utter and dreadful pain. So by default numb is my new happy I guess.
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Old 04-25-2017
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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Oh, sorry. Yeah, but it's still difficult for me not to blame myself for my cousin suddenly not talking to me. Since he never explained why he just cut me outta his life. So, ah cannae help wondering if I did summit to piss him off to the point of not wanting to speak to me.
Was he anxious? Because that could be reason if he doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore.

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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Well, I did a few years ago after my sister made a cruel, racist joke at the expense of my appearance after getting my photo taken. Though, I was too pissed off to say anything immediately. Since we were in public. And my mum sided with my oldest sister over me, when I asked how her (my sister's) joke was considered appropriate by them.
Why don't you try saying that to them again?



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As I said it was an awkward topic to discuss, I'm guessing it was because my mum had made my dad out to be this abusive, intimidating guy. Like to the point where that was my only impression of him. And my half-siblings on my mum's side o' the family didnae exactly have many good things to say about my dad when I was growing up.
So your dad knew the things your mother told you about him? I'm confused.

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Why? I don't really know. I've always put it down to them not wanting me to think and do things for myself. They're quite controlling, over-protective and manipulative towards me.
Yea that's probably the reason.

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Well, both side o' ma family are pretty active on Facebook & Twitter. But I can't say if any of them are friends on there, not being as active on there, myself. Wouldnae want to chance my luck, either way.
So your saying would not like to take the chance right? Btw I sent you a message on chat message idk if you got it?
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Old 04-26-2017
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Was he anxious? Because that could be reason if he doesn't want to talk on the phone anymore.
Wouldn't know. The day after my 16th birthday my cousin just stopped speaking to me. Never returned either mine or my mum's phone calls when trying get in touch with him.

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Why don't you try saying that to them again?
I don't see the point mentioning it. Since my mum and sisters won't see it from my perspective. They seem to find it difficult to empathise with my situation because of my disability. I've just accepted the fact that I'm always having to apologise when I've done nothing wrong. And have to take pity on my mum and sisters because they're incapable of taking responsibility for their words and actions. It's easier to blame someone else for yer problems, than accept your part in creating them.

And it just so happens they blame me. The one person they say they could live without, and think so highly of. And yet treat me like crap, boss me around and what not.

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So your dad knew the things your mother told you about him? I'm confused.
Oh yeah, he knew alright. A few years before I cut contact with him, my dad somewhat jokingly threatened me because I never gave into to his demands to come visit his side of the family. He says this as he gets up from the couch to leave. In response I sarcastically went: "Is how you usually get yer way? If so, ye could be bit a nicer. Anyway, I'll think about it and let ya know".

Never did visit. Mainly because my dad's side of the family were proper middle-class, educated. Whereas the side I was raised by - predominately working-class. Not particularly well educated, going by the admissions of my mum and a couple of cousins. I mean, I'm the one who always touted as the "smart one" in my immediate family.

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So your saying would not like to take the chance right?
Pretty much. And I don't want to have justify my reasons for doing it, before and after - were I to apply for dual citizenship. It's just... Well, after awhile, ye get tired of having to justify your reasons for doing something that will only affect you at the end of the day.

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Btw I sent you a message on chat message idk if you got it?
Can't tell you if I did or not. But once I'm logged back into this site via my laptop, I'll be able to tell you if I got your chat message.

Sent from Samsung Galaxy Tab S2
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Old 04-27-2017
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Death.....I hope you come one night soon when I am sleeping and take me away from this nightmare that I call my life. I'm tired of hurting, and I am tired of hurting those around me due to my inability to engage in life. I can't work or find work rather, I can't take care of myself, I can't get over my fear of getting behind the wheel, I can't engage with other people without feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T........enough is enough. At some point it needs to stop.
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Old 04-27-2017
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Death.....I hope you come one night soon when I am sleeping and take me away from this nightmare that I call my life. I'm tired of hurting, and I am tired of hurting those around me due to my inability to engage in life. I can't work or find work rather, I can't take care of myself, I can't get over my fear of getting behind the wheel, I can't engage with other people without feeling like I am about to have a heart attack. CAN'T CAN'T CAN'T........enough is enough. At some point it needs to stop.
Can't even say anything that might make ye feel better. Cuz ah could've wrote yer post almost word for word.
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Old 04-29-2017
 

I feel angry at myself when I should feel accomplished. I don't have a driver's license due to a horrible fear of driving, but I want to remedy that so I have been driving every weekend. Today, I drove to and from my hiking spot which is kind of far away. There, I did a good job, but back (because there was more traffic) I panicked hardcore and started crying as I was turning because I was worried I couldn't stay in the lines. Also, switching lanes - I had to do it with a car in the lane I needed to get into and started freaking out because I didn't know if it was safe to go. I feel embarrassed and slightly hopeless :(
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Old 04-29-2017
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My life is nothing more than a failed experiment.
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Old 04-29-2017
 

Feeling depressed.
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Old 04-30-2017
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My life is nothing more than a failed experiment.
Same here. "I did it my way" and i failed (myself) abysmally.
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Old 04-30-2017
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Always stressed and frustrated. Your partner is a reflection of you. I feel like an idiot for that. Ive never been in this situation before. I want to see the best in him and help him. But I cannot see a future in him. I want to run and avoid him and do my things that I never get to do. Things are never black and white and it takes alot of energy to find and resolve things and I just dont have that energy.
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Old 04-30-2017
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Always stressed and frustrated. Your partner is a reflection of you. I feel like an idiot for that. Ive never been in this situation before. I want to see the best in him and help him. But I cannot see a future in him. I want to run and avoid him and do my things that I never get to do. Things are never black and white and it takes alot of energy to find and resolve things and I just dont have that energy.
I left a relationship like that. Was the best thing I've done in the last few years I reckon.
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Old 04-30-2017
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My life is nothing more than a failed experiment.
Same here. Though, I've also felt my life's a mistake. Not say that to gain pity, I genuinely think that. That probably due to my life being quite hard and having struggle to meet the expecations of my family. Difficult growing up with people who are dysfunctional but, at the same time, expect so much of you.
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Old 04-30-2017
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Same here. Though, I've also felt my life's a mistake. Not say that to gain pity, I genuinely think that. That probably due to my life being quite hard and having struggle to meet the expecations of my family. Difficult growing up with people who are dysfunctional but, at the same time, expect so much of you.
Graeme my friend I couldn't agree with you more because I feel the same way. My life is a mistake. I mean A BIG MISTAKE. As far as dysfunctional goes, the old man has been that way all my life. Now every now and then he does good things, but that doesn't cancel out all the verbal abuse and anger he throws my way. I am almost 100% that he is the reason that I am the way I am today.

As far as struggling with expectations, oh yeah...story of my life. In order to accomplish anything in life, you have to be willing to engage in life, but the fears and mental scars I have negate that possibility so how am I supposed to accomplish anything? How can I help anyone? Oh on a side note, the old man started yelling at me and calling me stupid because I couldn't find something he wanted me to. It was his fault because he can't communicate worth sh*t. I don't know man....I am hurting so bad. Maybe I should just give in to my suicidal thoughts. I mean hell as far as I am concerned, my suicidal thoughts are trying to save me because it knows that I am in pain and it wants to help me end it. I just hate myself for what I have become and I hate that old [email protected] for what he has done to us and continues to do to us.
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Old 04-30-2017
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Quite pissed off at myself for not trusting my gut feeling, but that's me. I knew that coughing fit in the middle of the night wus'nae normal. Should've just went and took those paracetamol tablets.
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Old 04-30-2017
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Disgusting in every imaginable way.

Swamp Thing is my spirit animal.
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Old 05-01-2017
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Disgusting in every imaginable way.

Swamp Thing is my spirit animal.



.....
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Old 05-01-2017
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My test from last Sunday, the worst hasn't happened, I still have a job. Today was a good day, thinking more outwardly on opportunity.
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Old 05-01-2017
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And the old mans tyranny continues. His verbal abuse and anger know no limits. He knows he has done nothing for us and my Mom has done everything and yet he treats her with disrespect and calls her names all the time. This makes her sad and it is crippling her mentally. If time travel was possible, I would go back and torture him as a child and I wouldn't feel guilty because I know who he really is. I really wish he would have died as a child. But no luck man no luck. Because of who he is and what he has done to me and to my Mom, I am now starting to understand that trying to have a life was pointless because it was stripped from me many many years ago by this verbally abusive monster. The indescribable anger I feel towards this man....words truly can't capture the hatred and rage I feel towards him. People like this should not exist. THEY SHOULD DIE IN A HORRIBLE OIL FIRE SO THEY CAN SUFFER BEFORE THEY DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. All of these events have caused me to feel pain in my chest so maybe that heart attack is closer than I thought it was and I'll pray that it just hits me out of nowhere so I can be done with this nightmare. My thoughts are just everywhere because there is just so much going on in my mind. Life is pain and death is freedom
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Old 05-01-2017
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And the old mans tyranny continues. His verbal abuse and anger know no limits. He knows he has done nothing for us and my Mom has done everything and yet he treats her with disrespect and calls her names all the time. This makes her sad and it is crippling her mentally. If time travel was possible, I would go back and torture him as a child and I wouldn't feel guilty because I know who he really is. I really wish he would have died as a child. But no luck man no luck. Because of who he is and what he has done to me and to my Mom, I am now starting to understand that trying to have a life was pointless because it was stripped from me many many years ago by this verbally abusive monster. The indescribable anger I feel towards this man....words truly can't capture the hatred and rage I feel towards him. People like this should not exist. THEY SHOULD DIE IN A HORRIBLE OIL FIRE SO THEY CAN SUFFER BEFORE THEY DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. All of these events have caused me to feel pain in my chest so maybe that heart attack is closer than I thought it was and I'll pray that it just hits me out of nowhere so I can be done with this nightmare. My thoughts are just everywhere because there is just so much going on in my mind. Life is pain and death is freedom
That sure puts my mum's controlling nature in perspective.

How tha f**k d'you put up with yer dad? What a c*nt! If ye don't mind me saying? I mean, if he's truly nothing, why keep him in yer life? Sorry, I don't mean to throw question after question at ye. It just I went through similar with my own father constantly putting me down, making me feel like shit.
But my mum did it as well, and continues to do so.

Neither you or yer mum deserve to suffer as you currently are.

Sorry, it's just gets to me knowing that someone else had an equally abusive @rsehole for a father.
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Old 05-01-2017
 

i kind of miss the days of being in my early 20s, not having a job ,and being a hippy. I forgot how much I miss having long hair until today I was walking through the grocery store parking lot and the wind blew really hard and I wished I had long hair to blow in the wind like i used to. somewhat like tarzan : p



being a corrections officer is definitely interesting /entertaining but i also feel like many aspects of the job are completly against my nature as a person. ..but I plan to do it for at LEAST a total of 12 months so it can be somewhat of a stepping stone to a better career.

I used to HATE school but now I can't help but think what a relief its going to be to just have to go to class and LEARN instead of go to a prison to WORK a 12 hour shift.....this job has seriously given me some perspective and made me appreciate certain things more. should I have already gone to college straight out of high school? iv realized that the answer is a resounding YES. although, technically I could go to college right NOW but I really want to give this job a full 12 months because ill gain more experience and it'll look better on a resume ...and also you have to have at LEAST 12 months as a corrections officer in order to apply to be a parole officer..along with a bachelors degree, which I plan to get....so thats defintely an option but id prefer to be a game warden..i just dont know what the job growth in that particular field is in this state.


or maybe ill choose a completly unrelated degree. a co-worker of mine has a 4 year criminal justice degree and he said he feels like its pretty much worthless.
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