How are you feeling?

Playing some death metal - Carcass. I'm kinda feelin it. Maybe i should get the lyrics?
I can never get "close enough" to death, to make me feel any more hopeful/etc about life.
Nor can i take you-only-live-once chances/risks (make the associated choices/decisions).
Desperation level has just gone up a notch. This is what happens when you suffer endless boredom & hopelessness, day-in-day-out, year-in-year-out, decade-in-decade-out.
About to count the pills in the 2 bottles i have hoarded (sth to do).
I think i barely feel alive for most of the time.
Need some f*ckin spirits, godammit!!! (but beer will have to do)
This music is KICKING F*CKING A5S!!!
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Oh y'know, just wonderin' why tha f**k I silently tolerate being made to feel like an idiot most o' the time.
Not that I want to lash out or anything, just trying to figure when that part of me that gave a f**k stopped giving a f**k. :thinking:

And, trying to comprehend how my family could be so dysfunctional. Last week, my mum throw a rager at her eldest daughter, 24 hours after the arrival o' the middle child, visiting from Ireland with her husband and their daughter. 3 days later, following that incident, which I thankfully overheard and didn't witness, I walk into the kitchen and am confront by my mum, who says out-loud to me, with no-one else in the house:

"F**kin' fed-up! Can't wait for them to leave." :idontknow:​

Which struck me as odd, since the older sister is her favourite of 3 kids she had. Ah mean, she f**kin' despise me for unjust reasons. But then, my mum always complaining to me, ah just don't huv the heart tae say tell her in rather harsh terms to be quiet.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
Some of my neighbors are having an Easter soirée in my yard, right outside my windows. They have all kinds of food laid out and the grill going, and they're running around playing games and stuff. I don't begrudge them their fun, because they have very right to use the space, just as I would if I could, and they're not being too loud or anything like that.

I remember when I used to enjoy that kind of thing: church picnics, mostly, but some family gatherings, too. A long time ago, that was. It seems like I've lost almost everything I used to have. All the good stuff—friends, family, community, the things that don't cost much, but make the best memories—all gone. Being included, being a part of something, being allowed to join in the fun . . . gone. Just gone. Being loved, being wanted . . . that's gone, too. All gone.

I don't know them, and they don't know me, so it's not likely they would come knock on my door and ask me to join them out there in my yard, but part of me wishes they would. I wouldn't go, of course, for all the obvious reasons—obvious to a sociophobe, at any rate—but just to be asked would be so sweet. To have my existence acknowledged, to be recognized as a human being and a neighbor after so many years of isolation and neglect . . . well, I think it might bring me to tears, like a prisoner seeing the sky for the first time after twenty years in solitary confinement.

They won't come to me; I can't go to them. They're outside having their fun; I'm inside typing my wretchedness into a little box on a computer screen. Worlds apart, though only a few panes of glass stand between us. Just a few panes of glass, but set in a solid wall of fear, anxiety, degradation, and shame. I can't go out, and I know I wouldn't like it if I did, but it still hurts to be excluded.
 

defiance

Well-known member
Old man calls me on the phone. Yelling because he doesn't know where he is and is asking me for directions. I told him that I will find out and call him back....he goes crazy and starts yelling at me. "KNOWING YOU THAT'S GOING TO TAKE FOREVER". Fast forward to me asking the person he was supposed to meet where the location was and he tells me. Then, I call him and tell him where it is and I told him I called the guy and he told me where you can meet him......he reacts by yelling at me. I mean he was yelling as loud as he possibly could at me over the phone. He practically called me every name in the book. He said things like I had embarrassed him by asking this guy where the location was. I mean I got sh*t on by him the likes that I had never ever received before. I truly despise him. I wish I could come up with some ploy to get my Mom to divorce him. People who know him always say "he's got a good heart"...and that may be true...but it is not present around me and I would love the chance to be done with him forever. He created nothing for this family. His accomplishments in life involve ruining the lives of a wonderful woman, my Mom, and me.:sad:



Update: The old man is calling me and acting as if everything is fine and great. He is cracking jokes and trying to be buddy buddy again. Sorry old timer because it doesn't work that way. You don't treat people like that and expect them to just forget it and move forward. For the sake of my mother, as always, I will pretend like it never happened because I know how these situations affect her. The old man is delusional if he thinks the calm manner he was talking to me with just now all of the sudden eliminates the rage he threw my way a few hours prior.
 
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FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Update: The old man is calling me and acting as if everything is fine and great. He is cracking jokes and trying to be buddy buddy again. Sorry old timer because it doesn't work that way. You don't treat people like that and expect them to just forget it and move forward. For the sake of my mother, as always, I will pretend like it never happened because I know how these situations affect her. The old man is delusional if he thinks the calm manner he was talking to me with just now all of the sudden eliminates the rage he threw my way a few hours prior.

Ah! Very similar to my mother, who will yell at and berate me for trying to be helpful because that old third wave feminist mantra of not needing a man, then calmly ask me to help her, as if I'm just to dismiss the aggressive lecture I'd just been on the receiving end of. :kickingmyself:

So, I also hate when people treat ye like crap, then try to make it seem like they did nothing wrong.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
I am a disgusting imitation of a human being and a sad, neglectful excuse for a friend. I should be shunned, cast out, spat upon. I deserve no love and no comfortable place in this world.
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Pissed off would be putting it mildly. :veryangry: Nearly called my sister an offensive word yesterday, because she apologised to me 3 weeks after implying I'm stupid. :thumbdown: As if I'm just supposed be like all is forgive.

Yet, try to an apology outta her and she starts crying. :crying: And claims she's being picked on.
But that's the rad-fem mentality o' my family: Only men can do wrong.


I am a disgusting imitation of a human being and a sad, neglectful excuse for a friend. I should be shunned, cast out, spat upon. I deserve no love and no comfortable place in this world.

Aye, same here. :sad:
 

defiance

Well-known member
Today I feel that it would be great if a bullet found its way into my brain. I feel sadness all to often. A life that is not your own is not worth living.
 
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