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Old 01-13-2017
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Originally Posted by Marc7 View Post
I tried to improve my looks too and I just don't have the motivation
I've tried for decades to improve my looks, but NOTHING WORKED!!! . Between that & BDD (which presumably i have & i'm not just plain ugly!), i've always been a complete screw-up looks-wise. And looks ARE IMPORTANT in this shallow world we live in. If your looks are screwed, then generally so are you.
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Old 01-13-2017
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Originally Posted by Graeme1988 View Post
Oops, I meant Trainspotting - the Irvin Welsh novel. And that's just a reference to one of the character in the book who has quite a violatile personality
Does that mean he's a jekyll'n'hyde personality? Or does he have rage issues (exploding without warning)?

I know that i have a temper issue, & can go "batshit-crazy" if my rage is triggered, by sby saying/doing sth small which escalates in my mind to massive proportions. That is one of the main reasons i don't live in this society, to avoid getting myself into "trouble" like that, cause there'll for sure be many, many opportunities to take offence if ye lived in society, right?
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Old 01-13-2017
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I was listening to some of your old voicemails tonight. Sarah, I really hope things get better for you and your life gets easier. I miss you and I still think of you often/care about you. maybe you want to pretend like nothing ever happened between us but I KNOW that you loved me at one point. THAT is undeniable. you can erase me in SOME ways but you can't erase me from your heart, even if you WANT to. i'll never stop loving you... even if I never hear from you again.


I doubt you'll ever read this but I'm sending you all my love right now and I hope you can feel it. I hope it makes make you feel warm and happy. I wish things could be different . I wish my phone would ring right now and it would be you.











.....yes this post is really lame but idc.
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Old 01-13-2017
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Originally Posted by Marc7 View Post
I tried to improve my looks too and I just don't have the motivation.
I don't either. So you're not the only one.

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You use British pounds in Scotland right?
Aye, like the rest of the UK. Though, back in 2014, there was talk of possibly scrapping it if Scotland were to become independent.

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And yea you kind of have to because it you might get sick.
True. But that whole situation with food and drink could've been avoid if my mum just bought it all a week before the family visit.

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Oh, your sister lives in Scotland too right? If is to personal you don't have to answer.
One of them does - the oldest sister still lives in Scotland. My older sister - the middle child - lives over in Northern Ireland.

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Bad because I don't look good and I get it pointed out by my family member a lot. That makes me more self conscious.
Oh. It's the exact opposite with me, and I feel just as self conscious at having my appearance critiqued positively by my family.

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But that was in school, people still think of you this way? How does being chubby gives you that perception?
Well, I don't know for sure, but I get the feeling that's the vibe I give off. What with being quite shy, quiet and introverted. Not to mention the bushy beard on ma face.

And I have had my size and height pointed out to me more than once within the last year. Mainly during my hospital checkup appointments and during my rehab from surgery. Not a negative way, certainly. But enough to make me more self-aware of my height and body type. As well as me pumping those dumbell weights, so my arms are quite big.

Oh, and there was that really awkward experience in Edinburgh last year.

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Oh, that means you can change rapidly for the worse?
Kinda. But I try not to let my temper get the better of me nowadays. I was inclined to be like that when I was younger. Though, if ye nag, or repeatedly pressure me to do something - that'll piss me off.

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What dual identity did you have to come to terms with?
Oh, it was just the whole bi-racial issue in terms of national identity. After my dad passed away, it kinda brought this issue to the forefront when my oldest sister made a passing reference to how I'd probably eligable for dual Kenyan citizenship if I applied for it, given my parentage. And this made me realise I've only ever identified with my place of birth, and never really acknowledged my African roots, for lack of better word.

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Who were you trying to fit in with that you felt you didn't fit in due to a lighter skin tone?
Those around me for the part - Scottish people. But being a brown, feckle-faced lad, I've always felt I didn't, or found it fit in.

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Were your peers white?
Yeah, they were.

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Oh that sucks, did you try making friends with the family the guy raised?
My half-siblings on my dad's side? No, I never did. Simply because I would've just felt like the odd one out. In that, knowing my dad, my other sibling would've probably been more sophisticated and cultured than me.

I mean, I've met 2 my sisters on my dad's side of the family. I even went my first-ever music concert with one of them. But never really felt a connection with 'em. Since we grow up apart, and in different parts of the south of Scotland. Me, very much a city boy; my dad's side of the family more rual, out in the country.

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That's prejudice on their part, with all due respect to your family.
Oh, I know... But they've kinda come to like and appreciate some of more alternative/indie rock bands I enjoy listening to. Though, they're still don't get why I'm such a metalhead or lover of classical instrumental music.

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They shouldn't think that their brother is a waste of space!
I know, they shouldn't. But those remarks were made. Hell, even my mum frequently liked to remind me that I was "effin' useless" throughout my teens, whenever I did something wrong. Even to this day, I wonder if, either, my mum or my sisters still feel this way about me? That I'm a waste of space.

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How does being conservative matter in teaching you about sex?
Oh, my mum's also conservative in the sense of being a deeply religious Christian wummin. Therefore, a prude when it came to talking about sex.
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Old 01-13-2017
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I've got the Friday-the-13th, full-moon, empty-beer-bottle blues...
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Old 01-13-2017
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I wish I'd made more of an effort to change, really. Instead of allowing my family to convince me that this constant anxiety and crippling depression were "normal".

But, in many way, I wish I hadn't been born disabled. It's been more of burden than a blessing to me, in all honest.
At least, I'd have been normal, if I hadn't.
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Old 01-13-2017
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Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Does that mean he's a jekyll'n'hyde personality? Or does he have rage issues (exploding without warning)?
Haven't read the book or seen the movie adaption in sometime, I believe it's the latter of those two. The rage issues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
I know that i have a temper issue, & can go "batshit-crazy" if my rage is triggered, by sby saying/doing sth small which escalates in my mind to massive proportions. That is one of the main reasons i don't live in this society, to avoid getting myself into "trouble" like that, cause there'll for sure be many, many opportunities to take offence if ye lived in society, right?
I guess so. Ah wouldnae know, really. Since I don't tend to get offended by much these days. I mean, I'll still get withdrawn when folk start asking me invasive, personal questions, simply because ah got that a lot during primary school from ma peer as far as my disability goes.

Keep yourself to yourself and you stay outta trouble.

Other than that, I'd say being forced to doing something at the insistance of my family when I do feel comfortable with it is about the only thing that pisses me off.
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Old 01-13-2017
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The burden of life.....why must it be so heavy? Why must there be so much pain and suffering?
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Old 01-13-2017
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I feel like I'm invited to hear about other people's lives from the outside but not invited to be a PART of their lives. i'v felt that way for a long time.

metaphorically speaking, kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Catch me if you can where he comes home around christmas...not entirely though but you get the gist.




the idea of surface-level friends just makes me really sad...its such a terrible feeling when you find out someone you're friends with doesnt want you to be involved in their life in more than simply just a surface level way....and after SO long you finally realize that you never were very important to them to begin with...

...Iv felt alone like that for years and just recently I lost another "friend" which kind of just re-opened old scars/wounds.
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Old 01-14-2017
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I was a fool for thinking that 2017 would be different from any of the previous years. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. My problems are hitting me just as hard and on some days even harder than they normally do. No hope man....just no freaking hope. It really is game over. Should have offed myself years ago when I had the chance to.
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Old 01-14-2017
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The burden of life.....why must it be so heavy? Why must there be so much pain and suffering?
I ask myself this almost on a daily basis.

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I was a fool for thinking that 2017 would be different from any of the previous years. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. My problems are hitting me just as hard and on some days even harder than they normally do. No hope man....just no freaking hope. It really is game over. Should have offed myself years ago when I had the chance to.
2017 hasn't gotten off to a great start for me, either. I was kinda hoping last year would've been different, given what I put myself through. But that didnae turn out as I'd hoped.
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Old 01-14-2017
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Not doing to well, really. My anxiety and depression always seems to get the better of me.
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Old 01-14-2017
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Not doing to well, really. My anxiety and depression always seems to get the better of me.
I know what you mean man. It feels like you are chained to a room and try as you might you cant break those chains. At least that's how it feels for me. I got chewed out again recently for not taking control of my life. I don't do the things that someone my age should like have a full time job and driving around and so forth. I don't blame the people for saying the things they said because at some point even the nicest people get fed up with it I suppose. That is why I regret not killing myself years ago when I had the chance because they wouldn't have this version of me to let them down. Sure my suicide might have been painful but time does make it a little better and I am sure they would be doing alright without me. As it stands I am nothing more than a burden and a failure to them and try as I might, those chains are too heavy and strong for me to break. I better stop here because I am ranting and if I keep going I'm going to tear up. I guess all I am saying is that I know that pain all too well so you aren't alone man.
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Old 01-15-2017
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I know what you mean man. It feels like you are chained to a room and try as you might you cant break those chains. At least that's how it feels for me. I got chewed out again recently for not taking control of my life. I don't do the things that someone my age should like have a full time job and driving around and so forth. I don't blame the people for saying the things they said because at some point even the nicest people get fed up with it I suppose. That is why I regret not killing myself years ago when I had the chance because they wouldn't have this version of me to let them down. Sure my suicide might have been painful but time does make it a little better and I am sure they would be doing alright without me. As it stands I am nothing more than a burden and a failure to them and try as I might, those chains are too heavy and strong for me to break. I better stop here because I am ranting and if I keep going I'm going to tear up. I guess all I am saying is that I know that pain all too well so you aren't alone man.
I can relate there. I haven't got a job and can't drive either.

Though, I just yelled at for answer I don't know to barrage of questions by my mum, one after the other. Which, y'know, is always a lovely thing to wake up to in the morning.
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Old 01-15-2017
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I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been cooped up in my shitty apartment for almost ten weeks now, pretty much completely isolated, and living on delivery pizza since the groceries ran out, which is making me sick. You can only shovel so much garbage into a middle-aged digestive system before it starts to take its toll.

I think I need to see a doctor because I've developed a hideous, bizarre rash that I think may be symptomatic of something more serious, and I may also be showing early signs of diabetes. I don't know how I'm going to get to a clinic, though, because my car's messed up (I doubt it would even start at this point) and I'm too chickenshit to try anything new like public transportation or Uber because I don't understand how they work and they'd require dealing with other people in strange, uncomfortable ways.

At this point, I've become so socio/agoraphobic that I can't even get myself to walk the short distance to the drug store or across the street to the supermarket for food or medicine. I'm living on crap and suffering the consequences while their lights shine in my window all night long, showing me the way to salvation and mocking my inability to follow.

I don't sleep at night anymoreómaybe just a couple of hours or so, then I lie awake till dawn ruminating on my situation and contemplating various means of suicide. I feel very strongly that I may have to kill myself in about two weeks. I've come to realize that I don't really want to, as I'm quite curious to see what happens next, especially with the coming Trumpocalypse and all, but I may not have a choice.

I had hoped to stick around long enough to do some proper estate planning, but that may no longer be an option. I guess it won't really matter who gets my stuff when I'm gone, but I did want to throw a few bones in the right directions and not have it all go to the state or my asshole brother. Oh, well.

So that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Sorry for the rant, and thanks for reading if you did.
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Old 01-16-2017
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Originally Posted by GraybeardGhost View Post
I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been cooped up in my shitty apartment for almost ten weeks now, pretty much completely isolated, and living on delivery pizza since the groceries ran out, which is making me sick. You can only shovel so much garbage into a middle-aged digestive system before it starts to take its toll.

I think I need to see a doctor because I've developed a hideous, bizarre rash that I think may be symptomatic of something more serious, and I may also be showing early signs of diabetes. I don't know how I'm going to get to a clinic, though, because my car's messed up (I doubt it would even start at this point) and I'm too chickenshit to try anything new like public transportation or Uber because I don't understand how they work and they'd require dealing with other people in strange, uncomfortable ways.

At this point, I've become so socio/agoraphobic that I can't even get myself to walk the short distance to the drug store or across the street to the supermarket for food or medicine. I'm living on crap and suffering the consequences while their lights shine in my window all night long, showing me the way to salvation and mocking my inability to follow.

I don't sleep at night anymore—maybe just a couple of hours or so, then I lie awake till dawn ruminating on my situation and contemplating various means of suicide. I feel very strongly that I may have to kill myself in about two weeks. I've come to realize that I don't really want to, as I'm quite curious to see what happens next, especially with the coming Trumpocalypse and all, but I may not have a choice.

I had hoped to stick around long enough to do some proper estate planning, but that may no longer be an option. I guess it won't really matter who gets my stuff when I'm gone, but I did want to throw a few bones in the right directions and not have it all go to the state or my asshole brother. Oh, well.

So that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Sorry for the rant, and thanks for reading if you did.
Well that firmly puts my problems into perspective!
I ain't been abroad for only 6 weeks (but i get outside every day & go walking, ie i havent got agoraphobia). Am running low on food, but still got most foods left, so am still eating okay (just eating less that's all); should be able to go shopping this week, can't see any problems with that, as will have social worker to take me (been on holiday). It's my 20th day without booze (as have run out, & i do tend to rely on it a fair bit for my mood issues, but i'm surviving). Haven't seen anyone this year at all so far (over 2 weeks complete isolation, but this week my social worker will return from holiday, and also i have chooks & sheep for company!).
And i'm sleeping fine, & not depressed or feeling suicidal, which is GREAT!!! KEEP IT UP ME!!!
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Old 01-16-2017
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The minimal relaxation & peace of mind that i usually have, VANISHES upon seeing people, even with my parents.
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Old 01-16-2017
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The minimal relaxation & peace of mind that i usually have, VANISHES upon seeing people, even with my parents.
I know that feeling all too well, especially with my family.

I've been feeling really physically exhausted, lately. Mentally I'm struggling to maintain what little is left of my intelligence, memory and personality. And it's feels like I'm in a losing battle.
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Old 01-16-2017
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Detached and overwhelmed. Uneasy whenever I go outside. I think a young lassie might've gave me a dirty look when I went down the street today? Then again, it hard for me to tell, since I tend to get stared at by strangers when out in public.
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Old 01-16-2017
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Defeated. I got shafted big time with school so my adult life gets put on hold for another year. And dealing with my damn parents. Im not giving up though, screw that.
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