How are you feeling?

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I wish I'd made more of an effort to change, really. Instead of allowing my family to convince me that this constant anxiety and crippling depression were "normal". :sad:

But, in many way, I wish I hadn't been born disabled. It's been more of burden than a blessing to me, in all honest.
At least, I'd have been normal, if I hadn't.
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Does that mean he's a jekyll'n'hyde personality? Or does he have rage issues (exploding without warning)?

Haven't read the book or seen the movie adaption in sometime, I believe it's the latter of those two. The rage issues.

I know that i have a temper issue, & can go "batshit-crazy" if my rage is triggered, by sby saying/doing sth small which escalates in my mind to massive proportions. That is one of the main reasons i don't live in this society, to avoid getting myself into "trouble" like that, cause there'll for sure be many, many opportunities to take offence if ye lived in society, right?

I guess so. Ah wouldnae know, really. Since I don't tend to get offended by much these days. I mean, I'll still get withdrawn when folk start asking me invasive, personal questions, simply because ah got that a lot during primary school from ma peer as far as my disability goes.

Keep yourself to yourself and you stay outta trouble.

Other than that, I'd say being forced to doing something at the insistance of my family when I do feel comfortable with it is about the only thing that pisses me off.
 

AtTheGates

Banned
I feel like I'm invited to hear about other people's lives from the outside but not invited to be a PART of their lives. i'v felt that way for a long time.

metaphorically speaking, kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of Catch me if you can where he comes home around christmas...not entirely though but you get the gist.




the idea of surface-level friends just makes me really sad...its such a terrible feeling when you find out someone you're friends with doesnt want you to be involved in their life in more than simply just a surface level way....and after SO long you finally realize that you never were very important to them to begin with...

...Iv felt alone like that for years and just recently I lost another "friend" which kind of just re-opened old scars/wounds.
 
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defiance

Well-known member
I was a fool for thinking that 2017 would be different from any of the previous years. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. My problems are hitting me just as hard and on some days even harder than they normally do. No hope man....just no freaking hope. It really is game over. Should have offed myself years ago when I had the chance to.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
The burden of life.....why must it be so heavy? Why must there be so much pain and suffering?

I ask myself this almost on a daily basis.

I was a fool for thinking that 2017 would be different from any of the previous years. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. My problems are hitting me just as hard and on some days even harder than they normally do. No hope man....just no freaking hope. It really is game over. Should have offed myself years ago when I had the chance to.

2017 hasn't gotten off to a great start for me, either. I was kinda hoping last year would've been different, given what I put myself through. But that didnae turn out as I'd hoped.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Not doing to well, really. :sad: My anxiety and depression always seems to get the better of me. :kickingmyself:
 

defiance

Well-known member
Not doing to well, really. :sad: My anxiety and depression always seems to get the better of me. :kickingmyself:

I know what you mean man. It feels like you are chained to a room and try as you might you cant break those chains. At least that's how it feels for me. I got chewed out again recently for not taking control of my life. I don't do the things that someone my age should like have a full time job and driving around and so forth. I don't blame the people for saying the things they said because at some point even the nicest people get fed up with it I suppose. That is why I regret not killing myself years ago when I had the chance because they wouldn't have this version of me to let them down. Sure my suicide might have been painful but time does make it a little better and I am sure they would be doing alright without me. As it stands I am nothing more than a burden and a failure to them and try as I might, those chains are too heavy and strong for me to break. I better stop here because I am ranting and if I keep going I'm going to tear up. I guess all I am saying is that I know that pain all too well so you aren't alone man.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I know what you mean man. It feels like you are chained to a room and try as you might you cant break those chains. At least that's how it feels for me. I got chewed out again recently for not taking control of my life. I don't do the things that someone my age should like have a full time job and driving around and so forth. I don't blame the people for saying the things they said because at some point even the nicest people get fed up with it I suppose. That is why I regret not killing myself years ago when I had the chance because they wouldn't have this version of me to let them down. Sure my suicide might have been painful but time does make it a little better and I am sure they would be doing alright without me. As it stands I am nothing more than a burden and a failure to them and try as I might, those chains are too heavy and strong for me to break. I better stop here because I am ranting and if I keep going I'm going to tear up. I guess all I am saying is that I know that pain all too well so you aren't alone man.

I can relate there. I haven't got a job and can't drive either.

Though, I just yelled at for answer I don't know to barrage of questions by my mum, one after the other. Which, y'know, is always a lovely thing to wake up to in the morning. :sad:
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been cooped up in my shitty apartment for almost ten weeks now, pretty much completely isolated, and living on delivery pizza since the groceries ran out, which is making me sick. You can only shovel so much garbage into a middle-aged digestive system before it starts to take its toll.

I think I need to see a doctor because I've developed a hideous, bizarre rash that I think may be symptomatic of something more serious, and I may also be showing early signs of diabetes. I don't know how I'm going to get to a clinic, though, because my car's messed up (I doubt it would even start at this point) and I'm too chickenshit to try anything new like public transportation or Uber because I don't understand how they work and they'd require dealing with other people in strange, uncomfortable ways.

At this point, I've become so socio/agoraphobic that I can't even get myself to walk the short distance to the drug store or across the street to the supermarket for food or medicine. I'm living on crap and suffering the consequences while their lights shine in my window all night long, showing me the way to salvation and mocking my inability to follow.

I don't sleep at night anymore—maybe just a couple of hours or so, then I lie awake till dawn ruminating on my situation and contemplating various means of suicide. I feel very strongly that I may have to kill myself in about two weeks. I've come to realize that I don't really want to, as I'm quite curious to see what happens next, especially with the coming Trumpocalypse and all, but I may not have a choice.

I had hoped to stick around long enough to do some proper estate planning, but that may no longer be an option. I guess it won't really matter who gets my stuff when I'm gone, but I did want to throw a few bones in the right directions and not have it all go to the state or my asshole brother. Oh, well.

So that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Sorry for the rant, and thanks for reading if you did.
 
I've been having a really hard time lately. I've been cooped up in my shitty apartment for almost ten weeks now, pretty much completely isolated, and living on delivery pizza since the groceries ran out, which is making me sick. You can only shovel so much garbage into a middle-aged digestive system before it starts to take its toll.

I think I need to see a doctor because I've developed a hideous, bizarre rash that I think may be symptomatic of something more serious, and I may also be showing early signs of diabetes. I don't know how I'm going to get to a clinic, though, because my car's messed up (I doubt it would even start at this point) and I'm too chickenshit to try anything new like public transportation or Uber because I don't understand how they work and they'd require dealing with other people in strange, uncomfortable ways.

At this point, I've become so socio/agoraphobic that I can't even get myself to walk the short distance to the drug store or across the street to the supermarket for food or medicine. I'm living on crap and suffering the consequences while their lights shine in my window all night long, showing me the way to salvation and mocking my inability to follow.

I don't sleep at night anymore—maybe just a couple of hours or so, then I lie awake till dawn ruminating on my situation and contemplating various means of suicide. I feel very strongly that I may have to kill myself in about two weeks. I've come to realize that I don't really want to, as I'm quite curious to see what happens next, especially with the coming Trumpocalypse and all, but I may not have a choice.

I had hoped to stick around long enough to do some proper estate planning, but that may no longer be an option. I guess it won't really matter who gets my stuff when I'm gone, but I did want to throw a few bones in the right directions and not have it all go to the state or my asshole brother. Oh, well.

So that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Sorry for the rant, and thanks for reading if you did.
Well that firmly puts my problems into perspective! :giggle:
I ain't been abroad for only 6 weeks (but i get outside every day & go walking, ie i havent got agoraphobia). Am running low on food, but still got most foods left, so am still eating okay (just eating less that's all); should be able to go shopping this week, can't see any problems with that, as will have social worker to take me (been on holiday). It's my 20th day without booze (as have run out, & i do tend to rely on it a fair bit for my mood issues, but i'm surviving). Haven't seen anyone this year at all so far (over 2 weeks complete isolation, but this week my social worker will return from holiday, and also i have chooks & sheep for company!).
And i'm sleeping fine, & not depressed or feeling suicidal, which is GREAT!!! KEEP IT UP ME!!! :bigsmile:
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
The minimal relaxation & peace of mind that i usually have, VANISHES upon seeing people, even with my parents. :thumbdown:

I know that feeling all too well, especially with my family. :sad:

I've been feeling really physically exhausted, lately. Mentally I'm struggling to maintain what little is left of my intelligence, memory and personality. And it's feels like I'm in a losing battle. :crying:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Detached and overwhelmed. Uneasy whenever I go outside. :sad: I think a young lassie might've gave me a dirty look when I went down the street today? Then again, it hard for me to tell, since I tend to get stared at by strangers when out in public. :thinking:
 
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Megaten

Well-known member
Defeated. I got shafted big time with school so my adult life gets put on hold for another year. And dealing with my damn parents. Im not giving up though, screw that.
 
Nervy/restless as hell. Singing aloud to myself & talking to myself, just for diversion. Could MURDER a beer or so. Well, the wait will be over, as i go shopping tomorrow! YIPPIE!!! :thumbup: :brindis:
 

defiance

Well-known member
Every f**king thing we do is just to pass the time until we die. It is all so pointless to me. I can't find purpose or meaning in any of it. When will this nightmare end man.:kickingmyself:
 
Every f**king thing we do is just to pass the time until we die. It is all so pointless to me. I can't find purpose or meaning in any of it. When will this nightmare end man.:kickingmyself:
Finding little projects to do (mainly on pc) is probably the closest i get to having "meaning" to life. I just try to keep my mind occupied with such things/projects for as much of the time as i can. Also i can think of some things in my near-future. I don't think i care too much nowadays about "the big picture" of life. The main thing is surviving & being okay in the present moment, i find...
 
Man, i could MASSACRE a drink right about now. It would go VERY well with the music session i'm having (it's not the same without the grog! :sad:). Btw listening to couple of early smashing pumpkins albums.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around
 
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