How are you feeling?

completly lost. I'm starting a new chapter of my life and I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore . I don't know if i can do this...I feel so down-hearted towards life and socializing . i just wish she would come back. I'm not the kind of person who can just get over things like this. she was my friend for a LONG time.

Had a dream that I was hanging on from a building because on the floor were tons of angry dogs that were ready to tear me to shreds. I told someone of this and they said that each dog could have represented a particular problem you have internally. I mean I could see it being interpreted that way.

Like I'm at a turning point. Like the next few months are either going to lead me to a path of increased happiness or down a path of destruction.

Just yelled at for trying to help my own mother. :kickingmyself:
Which, for me, is nothing new. I'm used to be treated like crap. Honestly, so don't pity me.
Anyway, it's nice to know my kindness is appreciated. :sad:

theoutsider said:

Like I'm at a turning point. Like the next few months are either going to lead me to a path of increased happiness or down a path of destruction.

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I can't tell you how much this is me right now as well. This next few months will literally determine the rest of my life. I won't go into details but it is hit or bust. Hope things work out for you.

Graeme1988 said:

Just yelled at for trying to help my own mother. :kickingmyself:
Which, for me, is nothing new. I'm used to be treated like crap. Honestly, so don't pity me.
Anyway, it's nice to know my kindness is appreciated. :sad:

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Sorry you are going through this s**t.:sad:

sick to my stomach. i can't believe how easy it is for a friend to completly remove you from their life like you never meant anything to them at all. idk if she met a guy and maybe he doesnt want her to talk to me anymore...idk... I just wish she would call me and we could go back to being friends . Thats all I want right now.


if she's not going to contact me again then i at LEAST wish i could stop thinking about her because this is like torture ...I can't get her off my mind. we used to talk EVERY day and then suddenly it was just OVER...I NEED to hear from her again.

If this isn't the year my life turns around then I am convinced it will never get better for me. At that point living will just be even more pointless and painful than it is now.

defiance said:

If this isn't the year my life turns around then I am convinced it will never get better for me. At that point living will just be even more pointless and painful than it is now.

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Yep! I definitely relate there.
Anyway, I hope things do start getting better for you, even if it's just the smallest, wee change (that's better than nothing). :thumbup:

More crippled by self-doubt than my own disabilities. :sad:

I also wish ah wus'nae so... wary whenever my family compliment me. But I guess that how ye tend to react when you've had people lied to ye more than be truthful. :question: :idontknow:

Graeme1988 said:

Yep! I definitely relate there.
Anyway, I hope things do start getting better for you, even if it's just the smallest, wee change (that's better than nothing). :thumbup:

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Thank you man. I hope things go well for you this year as well. Also I know the feeling of being crippled by your mental issues all to well. So you aren't alone. Lets hope that this is the last year of suffering and the first year of mental recovery.

defiance said:

Thank you man. I hope things go well for you this year as well. Also I know the feeling of being crippled by your mental issues all to well. So you aren't alone.

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Much appreciated. :thumbup:

defiance said:

Lets hope that this is the last year of suffering and the first year of mental recovery.

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Here's hoping, certainly.

Though, I don't know if it'd be wise to start distancing myself from my mum and sisters, emotionally? :question: Since ya don't browbeat, insult and humilate yer siblings to their face purely because aren't like you, personality-wise. Tease, sure.
And you sure as f**k don't react angrily at yer own child trying to be helpful.

I feel rudderless and over caffeinated.

I also think this year is gonna be a weird one; I'm supposed to start therapy again in a few weeks. But what happens if I get better now? I'm too old to start a family, and who's going to hire me at my age with no work history? What if my depression is keeping me safe from the terrible realization that I've missed the party and everyone's long gone? I mean, I know that rationally, but I don't feel it swaddled in my gloomy blue security blanket.

I don't know, this might be the year that either makes me or undoes me quite.

I need a coffee. Or some chemicals of some sort. Done.

I think I've kind of checked out of life.
Nothing really does it for me anymore.
I'm disillusioned and there is no going back now.
I see it all as a scam now.
What are the things that mean the most to people?
Money, love, sex, status, spreading your genes, stuff, attention.
All scams.
All scams to force or motivate you to do something or be a certain way.
Many of them are tied to your dopamine system to keep you wanting more.
Not all of these scams are man-made. Even your own DNA is forcing you to do things and be a certain way.
I'm way too weird for this world.
I'm certainly too weird for this town that I live in.
Sometimes I cannot believe how simple the people here are. Their lives consist of working and sick kids. Sometimes I envy them. They have never questioned anything.
Some dude years ago who ran a local Renaissance festival told me "people around here do what their fathers did, they don't even question it." He was right.
I know that I'm not where I'm supposed to be but I have no idea where that is.
I don't know anymore if there is anyplace I should be.
Other people get signs and opportunities open up that gets them to where they need to be.
I've never got those.
Always been on my own in this regard
I don't even feel that there is a place on the internet for me anymore.
The places for weird people seem to have been taken over by normies or have just gone away.
I don't necessarily want to commit suicide but I get up everyday and ask "now what"?
Put up with the aches and pains of life just for the hell of it?
I simply cannot take comfort in the things that other people take comfort in. Those things can't keep me going.
If you read all this then bless you!
What is even more amazing is that I typed it all on my phone with just one thumb.
Now there's a talent that take you places.. haha

Just filling in the time...................................
(only slightly bored)

A completely, utterly , broken human being. Fearful of being around people, and feeling no peace when I am around them. This will probably not end well for me. I won't commit suicide, but all this fear will wear my body out.

I feel like my very being is looking for something.. searching and yearning to find it.

I don't know what though..

Kiwong said:

A completely, utterly , broken human being. Fearful of being around people, and feeling no peace when I am around them. This will probably not end well for me. I won't commit suicide, but all this fear will wear my body out.

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Don't know what else to say? Other than, I can relate.

PugofCrydee said:

I feel like my very being is looking for something.. searching and yearning to find it.

I don't know what though..

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I feel this is what my life has been... Searching, yearning. For what? Love? Acceptance? A sense of belonging? :idontknow:

I'm kinda losing hope of anything ever really change for me in ma life. :sad:

It deeply saddens me that I never got to live life on my terms, even now I feel nagging guilt whenever I do something for myself. Like whenever I insist upon not being so dependent upon others, my family take that as a sign of me being ungrateful.

Because everytime I do something without first telling my family, they don't like it. They feel it's not what they want; or they feel left out. The irony of course being that, I've spent most my life doing what they want, without so much as a complaint. Unless I really can't be bothered, then I'll speak up. But other than that? Well, cannae complain.

Ah mean, I didn't want my life to be like this. This "unhappy marriage" of an existence. Which is what my life has been like. The constant struggles. Being told how and who I should be. As well as what to do.

The utter misery of knowing full well that things could be so much better. Yet little, if anything, actually improves. Not through any my own fault or lack of effort. But because those around me are content with how things are. Since it's much easier to say yer gonnae do something than actually doing it. Yet, actions speaks louder than words.

Sorry, this what currently occupying my thoughts. And since no-one in my family wants to help me makes sense of it, I'm just letting it flow here.