PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
feeling strong urges to travel.. and flash backs of feelings of when i have traveled.
How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
defiance
Well-known member
I was just chewed out the likes that I have never been. It was made very evident that it is all my fault that our lives turned out the way it did. I don't blame them for doing this because I am a good for nothing loser. All I can hope for now is that I can die soon. I don't care if it's a heart attack or cancer I really don't as long as it does the job and ends my life. I can ask for cancer or a heart attack but I won't get it because I am not that lucky. Please Please I ask the universe or god,gods, whatever,please let my existence end. I suffer too much. I long for the day where I can die and be done with this pain.:crying::crying:
SpaceTime
Well-known member
I empathize. I didnt get up enough courage to leave home until I was 27. Its hard for some of us. What helped for me was that I left to go to college, that made it a bit easier because each term was about 12 weeks then back home for 2, then away for 12 weeks, back for 2, etc. And in my first year I went home half way through each term for a weekend as well. It helped ease me into leaving home. In the end it wasn't nearly as hard I had worried it would be.
But those were in the days when you could get a grant for college study I guess its harder financially now, but I don't know. Hope you and Graeme can find a way to move into a more comfortable life, no-one should have to live in such depressing environments. I had some difficulties with my folks but nowhere near as bad as you guys. :sad:
defiance
Well-known member
The thing is these events between me and the other guy I live with, I refuse to call him by the D word, don't happen very often. It's just that when they do it can go from somewhat bad to really bad. My mom is awesome she really is. I'm over thirty now and she needs me to be there and take on more responsibilities but I just cant because my issues keep holding me back regardless of any efforts put forward on my part. Don't know if you read my most recent post but I got chewed out sooooo bad. But I deserve it as everything that was said was true. I am a good for nothing loser who doesn't contribute in any way. This is practically why I hope I will go really soon and I'll take cancer as long it does the job quick.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Ah don't know what to do... Living with a mother who constantly complains about her situation, how miserable she is, and then makes excuses as to not to f**kin' change it. She says this as she lyin' oan the f**kin' couch, the lazy cow! 
Yet she won't allow to get a place on yer own, because apparently I'm responsibe for her.
Then berates me for losing ma temper and talking down her. Well if she didnae act so dumb all the time, mibbe she'd get treated better? Then ah believe people tend to treat you a certain way if you act a certain way. But what da hell do I know? :idontknow:
Do y'know how annoying it is tae huv put up this f**kin' spastic symphony of idiotic preportions? Having to endure shitty one-liners and cringe-worthy, smart-arse retorts in response to anything you say. :kickingmyself:
Being called lazy by the same !*^%$ who will give the same excuses to avoid doing anything for me. Then they wonder why I'm such a loner and rarely ask for anything.
Yet she won't allow to get a place on yer own, because apparently I'm responsibe for her.
Then berates me for losing ma temper and talking down her. Well if she didnae act so dumb all the time, mibbe she'd get treated better? Then ah believe people tend to treat you a certain way if you act a certain way. But what da hell do I know? :idontknow:
Do y'know how annoying it is tae huv put up this f**kin' spastic symphony of idiotic preportions? Having to endure shitty one-liners and cringe-worthy, smart-arse retorts in response to anything you say. :kickingmyself:
Being called lazy by the same !*^%$ who will give the same excuses to avoid doing anything for me. Then they wonder why I'm such a loner and rarely ask for anything.
defiance
Well-known member
Ah don't know what to do... Living with a mother who constantly complains about her situation, how miserable she is, and then makes excuses as to not to f**kin' change it. She says this as she lyin' oan the f**kin' couch, the lazy cow!
Yet she won't allow to get a place on yer own, because apparently I'm responsibe for her.
Then berates me for losing ma temper and talking down her. Well if she didnae act so dumb all the time, mibbe she'd get treated better? Then ah believe people tend to treat you a certain way if you act a certain way. But what da hell do I know? :idontknow:
Do y'know how annoying it is tae huv put up this f**kin' spastic symphony of idiotic preportions? Having to endure shitty one-liners and cringe-worthy, smart-arse retorts in response to anything you say. :kickingmyself:
Being called lazy by the same !*^%$ who will give the same excuses to avoid doing anything for me. Then they wonder why I'm such a loner and rarely ask for anything.
For you it's your mom. With me it's that man I live with. Although every now and then he still does things. I just want to die so I can stop dealing with him and so I can stop being a god forsaken loser as well. Existence is hell. Sorry my thoughts are way to messed up right now.
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
My life weighs on me like lead, heavy and toxic.
defiance
Well-known member
I constantly fear that I will outlive my parents. I can't survive on my own and they take care of me the best they can especially my mother. I cannot outlive them....I just can't. On a side note, I have come to the realization that the people in my surrounding are becoming a bit more depressed and I have found out the cause of that is me. The reason is I, being over 30, should be able to help out more and take on more responsibilities. Well I haven't been able to do that and after so many years of patiently waiting, they just get angry and sad because I can't meet their expectations. I am the cause of their pain and misery. For this reason I am seriously contemplating committing suicide next year instead of waiting five years as I originally said.:crying:
theslowesthand
Banned
Perhaps things aren't quite so bad as you perceive them to be? Why i say that, is that i know how depression distorts one's thinking & feelings. Could it be that your suicidal urges are a large part due to depression?
nodejesque
Well-known member
Confused. And stuffed. Too many thoughts, and too many tacos.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
mmmm... Taco's.. *drool*
theslowesthand
Banned
The relentless boredom is killing me slowly.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
It's one nil to me so far in regard. So, ah dinnae fear outliving ma parents. Going to be kinda glad when my mum finally goes, I know that sounds quite harsh. It's only because of the misery I've had to quietly endure over the years. But my family seem to think domestic abuse are permissible if it's a wummin dishin' it out. :idontknow: Sorry, digressed a wee bit, there...
Ah fear being unable to cope, more than anything. Which kinda ironic, given how time ah spend avoiding those around me. Ah've always felt like a burden to them as well, y'know because o' the disability, and the fact ah wus'nae born a lassie. The latter of those being the bigger disappointment to my mum, in my opinion.
But, apparently, boys are easier to raise than girls cuz we know when tae keep oor mooth shut! Always, eh, lads? At least, that's my mum's logic. Though, my mum didnae exactly give me the chance to be as independent as ah could be, since it's my responsibility to care for her.
It'd be more funny if it wus'nae so depressing. :sad: The fact that it's always on me who has giving my time to help my family when they rarely return the favour. F**k! I've missed out on livin' the life I should've had. :crying:
Aye, me anaw. Though, I've got plenty to be doing. Ah just can't be arsed.
Phoenixx
Well-known member
Like crud. I have a presentation project due next week. Actually I think my professor wants all the paperwork tomorrow, even though the project syllabus said for it to be turned in 3 days prior, because she really doesn't give two craps. I haven't even begun to assemble it yet either. 75% of it's done, it's just finishing up a lot of little things and doing all that damn printing. Remind me again what is the point of all this? :sad:
I am tired in my soul. Im thinking about how to really describe it well, but I cant find the right words. Im just tired.. tired of trying to change. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up again. I know I am depressed, but not enough for anyone around me to notice. I hide it real well and one of my worst fears is for my family to find out.. so therefor I stay in this nomansland without a way to get out, with no words to ask for help.
defiance
Well-known member
My fears hold me back from doing practically anything that really matters. Because of that you get depressed and bored. A very dangerous combination.
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
I'm a noxious, bubbling stew of hopelessness and regret.
defiance
Well-known member
I feel the same way about myself. My ways, being how I am, has affected too many in negative ways. I know for a fact that if I had never been born everyone would have been better for it. Because I think to myself maybe someone could have been born in my place who wasn't so afraid of the world who wasn't suffering from anxiety and depression and could make something of themselves. Someone who could make their parents proud. Basically everything that I am not. So needless to say your words resonate very deeply with me. It's almost as if these words are the essence of my being.
theslowesthand
Banned
Pretty bored, as with most of today. Can't work out if it's due to lack of stimulation/novelty or a brain-chemicals thing. Having a couple of beers & crisps to try to "deal" to it.
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