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Old 06-17-2012
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I have a bridal shower for a friend coming up soon and I'm terrified. The only reason we became friends was because we worked together for three years. From what I understand, the rest of her friends are all bubbly and pretty and blonde and married with kids. I'm going to be the biggest loser virgin there! But I'm just going to go and enjoy hanging out with her. We don't see each other often, so I'm going to try and focus on that.

I have a serious question for you: why does someone have to be the ugliest at any get together that is a majority of women? Why are we always (myself included) comparing and tearing ourselves down because "Kathy" doesn't have cankles and "Susie" has gorgeous hair? Do they have any kind of personality? That has become my measure of a person. I remember watching an interview with Tina Fey and she said that being awkward while growing up forced her to develop a personality and that she hopes her daughters go through that awkward stage as well. I've gotten completely off track here, but don't think of it that way. Go to that party and dazzle them all with your wit and intelligence and kindness. They'll all go home thinking, "damn, I wish I were as funny as **********!" (Because of Tumblr, I know your real name! Hehehehe!)

And I am very jealous. I have not won a single *******ed thing on Tumblr yet!
^ Yeah, the bridal shower actually wasn't THAT bad. Of course with anxiety, we always perceive things to be a million times worse than they usually are. I talked A LOT because relatives kept asking me questions since I haven't seen them in over a year. And lots of hugging and kissing on the cheek. If I get sick this week, I won't be surprised. :P

You're right with your question. I'd love it if I could just stop comparing myself with everyone else. It's awful, I'm very critical to myself about my looks. However, I've always felt even more insignificant to them though because the women on that side really are VERY pretty. Most of them have that nice tan skin, dark hair, and dark eyes, they're petite, and either kind of tall or very short. I got pale skin and blonde hair that very few of them have, but I'm petite and very short. Also quite a few beauty professions run in that family. My grandmother was a model and another cousin on that side is a model as well as a makeup artist. Another even went to Cali. for acting. There's a few more people I can't think of at the moment, but they're all involved with makeup or modeling in some way. Everyone always compliments each other, some much more than others. Even on that side no one's ever really called me "pretty" or "beautiful." Really, most of the words I hear are, "You look just like your dad!" Thanks, I must look like a man. (not that my dad's bad looking [that didn't sound awkward at all]) Only until recently though have I heard a couple times, "You look like your grandmother." (yes, the model-y one) And even with that, I feel bad because I just don't see it.

Compliments or not though, it all lies with my self-hatred, not them. They really are nice people, and I do love them. They're the best family I have ever been around, they're fun and they do care about me.

I have such little confidence in my looks though, I wish so bad there was some way to change. I've tried other approaches (taking pictures of myself, trying positivity lists, etc.) multiple times and it seems like nothing works, so it makes me think something else is going on here. BDD perhaps....?

Sorry, this turned into a rant. I can say though that I do like my personality and I think other people like it too. :] That's always a good thing, right?
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Some people just have sticks up their asses.
and some have eels
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Old 06-17-2012
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...I got pale skin and blonde hair that very few of them have, but I'm petite and very short....
i see this as nothing but positive, personally
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Old 06-17-2012
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i see this as nothing but positive, personally
^ Yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say those are overall negative things. And I'm definitely not trying to say people who have those qualities aren't good looking, because I really do see beauty in everyone no matter how they look. But honestly I look at myself and I'm just not happy with what I see, at all.
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Some people just have sticks up their asses.
and some have eels
"Don't be pushed by your problems, be lead by your dreams." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." ~ Carl Bard

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Old 06-17-2012
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^ But honestly I look at myself and I'm just not happy with what I see, at all.
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Old 06-17-2012
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I'm feeling hungry. I think I'll go get some chicken strips.
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Old 06-17-2012
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Wondering if I've been hacked a month after I built this thing. Wondering what I'm doing here at 22. Wondering if I'll ever get out of here, if I'll ever overcome my aversion.
Truth is I'm tired. Everything I cared about went away a long time ago. Just going through the motions, trying to put some kind of a fight up but you don't need to be a genius to see its not worth a damn. Every piece of me wants to claw my way out of here, smash the walls into a fine powder and take it all back. Every second of everyday I've spent inside this pit, every moment stolen, every dream broken... but right now?

Right now all I can do is wonder, so thats whats I'm doing.
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Old 06-17-2012
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I feel...good I actually hung out with a friend today for the first time in quite a while. We hung out and had a heart to heart talk for hours on end. I feel such a satisfied feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.
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Old 06-17-2012
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I went to the dementia ward where my grandmother is placed for the first time today. I was so, so, so anxious while being there that all I could really think about was my racing heart. I'm aware that everyone there is practically harmless and just going about their mindless business but I was so freaked out.

One woman came up to us (me, my brother, and my parents), pointed and smiled, and she pinched my arm. Another tried to get past us and repeatedly yelled, "nahnahnahnahnah...." until she could get through. Another guy just walked into my grandmother's room with us (luckily the nurse was there to shoo him away). Another was making horrible noises and shaking big time in the common room.

You just look at all these people and wonder what has gone wrong in their mind. Most of my brain power was used to try not to give in to anxiety and walk out the door, though. Now I have realised that if I ever want to visit my grandmother, I have to deal with all that. I'd better get used to it.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenixx View Post
^ Yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say those are overall negative things. And I'm definitely not trying to say people who have those qualities aren't good looking, because I really do see beauty in everyone no matter how they look. But honestly I look at myself and I'm just not happy with what I see, at all.
From what you've described of yourself, you sound quite attractive.
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Old 06-17-2012
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Originally Posted by Invisibleman View Post
I feel...good I actually hung out with a friend today for the first time in quite a while. We hung out and had a heart to heart talk for hours on end. I feel such a satisfied feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.
That's awesome.
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I went to the dementia ward where my grandmother is placed for the first time today. I was so, so, so anxious while being there that all I could really think about was my racing heart. I'm aware that everyone there is practically harmless and just going about their mindless business but I was so freaked out.

One woman came up to us (me, my brother, and my parents), pointed and smiled, and she pinched my arm. Another tried to get past us and repeatedly yelled, "nahnahnahnahnah...." until she could get through. Another guy just walked into my grandmother's room with us (luckily the nurse was there to shoo him away). Another was making horrible noises and shaking big time in the common room.

You just look at all these people and wonder what has gone wrong in their mind. Most of my brain power was used to try not to give in to anxiety and walk out the door, though. Now I have realised that if I ever want to visit my grandmother, I have to deal with all that. I'd better get used to it.
I understand your anxiety, I'm sorry.
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From what you've described of yourself, you sound quite attractive.
^I agree.
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Old 06-17-2012
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I can't sleep. I think I have.... heartburn. GASP! No! I'm too young!
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Horrible.Stomach Pains Again. Sucks having IBS, Being in constant pain all the time. Leaves you depressed and suicidal.
That sucks, I'm sorry.
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I understand your anxiety, I'm sorry.
Thank you. I hope I can get through it soon so I can see her without too much issue. I asked my brother if he felt weird in there and he said no. I wish I had his resilience.
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Thank you. I hope I can get through it soon so I can see her without too much issue. I asked my brother if he felt weird in there and he said no. I wish I had his resilience.
I'd feel weird as well, I hope you can get through it soon too.
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I'd feel weird as well, I hope you can get through it soon too.
Thank you, kind lady. How are you?
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Feeling sick, exhausted..and many other things. Just wanna get school over with so I can sleep more.
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Thank you, kind lady. How are you?
You're welcome.
I'm okay, just exhausted. Its amazing how doing anything social can drain all my energy.
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Feeling sick, exhausted..and many other things. Just wanna get school over with so I can sleep more.
*hugs* I hope you feel better soon and get some rest.
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You're welcome.
I'm okay, just exhausted. Its amazing how doing anything social can drain all my energy.

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon and get some rest.
You get some rest too, cause u need it it seems *hug*
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Fed up and pissed off.
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You get some rest too, cause u need it it seems *hug*
Thank you, you're too kind.
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Fed up and pissed off.
Hang in there Graeme.
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