Hocd

Hey, i am a 20 year old male.

I have always liked girls and been in relationships with girls and enjoyed sex with them. I was dating a girl for two years and fell in love with her. I have had sex with about 6 girls since then and enjoyed it i have also really enjoyed hooking up with girls. And i would hook up with alot of them and flirt crazy with birds.

The last few girls i have went to have sex with i wasnt able to get it up. I would want to do it and in four play would be pretty hard and but when it came to the time to do the deed i would think about it way to much, if i will be good, am i big enuf and then end up just going soft. And i have just started not even wanting to have sex cause i got in my head that it will happen again.

I have had a couple of bad relationships after the 2 year one cause of the girls having commitment issues. I got really attached to these girls even thoe we only dated for about 3 months and and after the brake up thought about it alot of really miss them and kinda obsess over it.

I always check to make sure things are locked a number of times such as my car and house door. Did some test on OCD on the internet and scored 17.

Girls are looking as sexy as they did before and guys are well just looking like guys again. Even thoe before that i could see if a guy was good looking but didnt want to kiss him or anything, and once i started thinking it i would start noticing ever guy i couldnt help it.

I dont want to be gay and i dont believe i was gay. I am seeing a girl and its really worring this would of stopped me from seeing her.

I have had alot of signs of hocd such as being in a footy change room and not wanting to look up not because it would of turned me on but cause i didnt want it to make me think i am gay. At clubs i would always think people were looking at me thinking i am gay and also at the footy club, even when i would hook up with a chick right in front of them. I would look at gay porn tyring to see if i was gay and think i probs couldnt do this in real life but say i might have to and once i do i will know every thing.

I would some times tell myself i am gay but i just couldnt accept it even when i would tell myself there is nothing wrong with being gay and then back to stage one i went.

I would search on google and forums for hours on end every day trying to find people with the same thing and looking for people telling them they are not gay. And i would accpet it and see that i am not but then doubt would kick back in.

I dont see how one day i can just think i am gay and really question my sexuallity alot. Sure i have thought about it before but it was no near as bad.

When ever i dream about sex or hooking up in my dreams or day dreams it has never been over a guy always girls. I still talk to my mates about girls the sam way i did be4 i started doubting myself.

I have nothing wrong with gay people and there choice i dont want to be gay thoe as i want a girl friend but the thing in my head keeps telling me maybe you are gay.

I could probs go on a bit more but i dont feel the need to. If you can relate to me or see that i am on the right track let me know of what i think is going on. You can be your own worse enemy at times. It goes on and on and i dont think i will ever agree with the idea of me being gay. If you can relate of think i am suffering of HOCD please let me know.

I've found myself worrying about this a lot lately as well. It goes through cycles.

I'm 20 as well, but I've only had one real girl friend and that didn't last very long. I've only had sex twice, but both times I was too preoccupied with the act and the fact that I was doing it to really relax and enjoy it. I think its mostly my lack of experience (due to fears of rejection and failure) that sets off the thoughts of being gay. The two fears most likely stem from the first two girls I ever asked out rejecting me as well as some other stuff that I wont mention now.

The thing is...the only porn I've ever really looked at was lesbian. The sight and sound of two girls was always just way more sexy to me than anything with a guy. Perhaps I just conditioned myself out of the loop? Maybe I just can't picture myself in the situation because I'd be the annoying grunting guy? Not trying to get to graphic, but for real. Perhaps that's my answer right there and I just have to make sense of it.

I don't know, it always seems so strange for me to try and talk about it because if I was gay I think I would accept it. If it would make me happier then why wouldn't I? My family is liberal. There is even about 3 or 4 gay families on the street I grew up on. It all seems so insignificant but I just can't get it out of my head.

Like you said, I can appreciate good looks in men, but it has never been sexual. There is a lot of other little things like that, but I can't think of them all right now. I'm not a manly man or anything, but I don't feel gay. The problem is I don't really feel straight either. I don't know what the **** I am.