Saya_Shuri
Member
Hi. Just so you know, to anyone reading this, I'm shaking from nervousness as I type this, so yeah... *clears throat* So, I was talking to my boyfriend last night trying to explain to him about my freakishly strong fear of going out in public, and I thought I'd look up 'sociophobe' on Wikipedia, cause I've been described as it. I read through it and thought, "Hey, this sounds pretty much like me."
A while later I went back and read it a bit more carefully and picked out the things that were different. Then I started going through the 'related topics' links out of curiosity and when I hit the APD page, I totally froze. This thing was telling me things I've known about myself for YEARS.
When I got to the end of the article I was nearly in tears. This was it. This is what I have. So I went on Google (Hail Google, God of Internetness!) and searched for APD forums, and randomly clicked the link to this one.
I've spent most of the day slowly reading quite a few of the posts on this board, and I've been totally surprised by what I've seen. I didn't think there was anyone who thought or acted like I do, but this place is full of them! I've spent the last 2 hours trying to decide whether to join or not, then said "Ah, what the h***, can only help..." So, here I am, typing things I haven't told many people in the hopes that I won't get blasted out of the water here... although as I understand it, that's 'normal' for people with APD....
Like I said, I just found out I have this last night, so I'm not experienced with it as a 'disorder', just with how I act and think. I haven't had a very nice life socially, just one disaster after another, so I'm really not surprised I have something like APD. Never had friends in school, although one I had lasted from 4th grade until about 2 months ago -_- I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome after she moved away after her mom died, because I was that attached to her. Shortly after that, I was told I was bi-polar (though not officially diagnosed). I've only been to two psychiatrists, and each took my mom aside and told her I should be committed for a short while to see if some 'professional help' would help me. The first one was fired, the second one came out of her office pale as a sheet and took the rest of the day off. Needless to say, their advice went unheeded.
I have seen one other "professional", though he wasn't a 'chiatrist or 'cologist, he was something else but I can't remember the title. A preview thingy for the actual psych-dude. He told me that I suffer from chronic depression and gave me a list of 5 different meds to start taking. I'm not joking. Five. I didn't bother setting up a follow-up cause I'm allergic to stupidity, y'know. Meds aren't what I need, they never were and they never will be. All they do is f*** with your mind - I saw proof of that with my mom. I'm very distrustful of any medication other than Tylenol or other common stuff, and I don't trust anyone who works in any "medical field", I've had bad experiences with them all from pediatricians to physical therapists to radiologists to OBGYN's and, of course, the entire mental health department.
So, that's 3 different mental 'problems' I've been told I have. All are probably true too, come to think of it. I'm now 19, turning 20 on March 28th, I have a boyfriend who lives in England and is very understanding and supportive of my odd behavioral structure, and doing everything he can to help me deal with things. I live in Seattle with my crippled dad and half-rich, though broken, aunt, and am trying to study for my GED and make myself get a job so I can get some money, because I plan on at least visiting my boyfriend in England as soon as I can (don't suppose anyone knows how long the wait is to get a US passport...?), but it's very difficult.
Whenever I even think about applying for a job somewhere I just totally freeze up, even if someone's with me. I really have no skills that apply to anything that could be called a job skill, and I get so nervous in new situations that people have to explain things to me over and over until it finally gets through, and that makes me look pretty stupid and I'm not >.< My IQ's 136, though I don't know what relevance that has, to be honest.... I know I'm just gonna screw things up wherever I try to work, and it scares me to think of what people will think or say or do in response. I've never really had any emotional support until that last September when I met my boyfriend, and virtually no friends, ever, like I said. I practically live on the internet, even though I do like to be active. Just not alone, but not with someone I don't know, if that makes sense.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling here cause I'm so nervous about posting this that it's kinda scrambling my mind a bit. Any advice or tips or anything is greatly appreciated, this is the first 'community forum' of any kind I've ever posted in, so I don't know what to expect...
If anyone wants to know a bit more about me, you can check out my MySpace page (link in siggy) or my freewebs page (http://freewebs.com/sayashuri).
A while later I went back and read it a bit more carefully and picked out the things that were different. Then I started going through the 'related topics' links out of curiosity and when I hit the APD page, I totally froze. This thing was telling me things I've known about myself for YEARS.
When I got to the end of the article I was nearly in tears. This was it. This is what I have. So I went on Google (Hail Google, God of Internetness!) and searched for APD forums, and randomly clicked the link to this one.
I've spent most of the day slowly reading quite a few of the posts on this board, and I've been totally surprised by what I've seen. I didn't think there was anyone who thought or acted like I do, but this place is full of them! I've spent the last 2 hours trying to decide whether to join or not, then said "Ah, what the h***, can only help..." So, here I am, typing things I haven't told many people in the hopes that I won't get blasted out of the water here... although as I understand it, that's 'normal' for people with APD....
Like I said, I just found out I have this last night, so I'm not experienced with it as a 'disorder', just with how I act and think. I haven't had a very nice life socially, just one disaster after another, so I'm really not surprised I have something like APD. Never had friends in school, although one I had lasted from 4th grade until about 2 months ago -_- I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome after she moved away after her mom died, because I was that attached to her. Shortly after that, I was told I was bi-polar (though not officially diagnosed). I've only been to two psychiatrists, and each took my mom aside and told her I should be committed for a short while to see if some 'professional help' would help me. The first one was fired, the second one came out of her office pale as a sheet and took the rest of the day off. Needless to say, their advice went unheeded.
I have seen one other "professional", though he wasn't a 'chiatrist or 'cologist, he was something else but I can't remember the title. A preview thingy for the actual psych-dude. He told me that I suffer from chronic depression and gave me a list of 5 different meds to start taking. I'm not joking. Five. I didn't bother setting up a follow-up cause I'm allergic to stupidity, y'know. Meds aren't what I need, they never were and they never will be. All they do is f*** with your mind - I saw proof of that with my mom. I'm very distrustful of any medication other than Tylenol or other common stuff, and I don't trust anyone who works in any "medical field", I've had bad experiences with them all from pediatricians to physical therapists to radiologists to OBGYN's and, of course, the entire mental health department.
So, that's 3 different mental 'problems' I've been told I have. All are probably true too, come to think of it. I'm now 19, turning 20 on March 28th, I have a boyfriend who lives in England and is very understanding and supportive of my odd behavioral structure, and doing everything he can to help me deal with things. I live in Seattle with my crippled dad and half-rich, though broken, aunt, and am trying to study for my GED and make myself get a job so I can get some money, because I plan on at least visiting my boyfriend in England as soon as I can (don't suppose anyone knows how long the wait is to get a US passport...?), but it's very difficult.
Whenever I even think about applying for a job somewhere I just totally freeze up, even if someone's with me. I really have no skills that apply to anything that could be called a job skill, and I get so nervous in new situations that people have to explain things to me over and over until it finally gets through, and that makes me look pretty stupid and I'm not >.< My IQ's 136, though I don't know what relevance that has, to be honest.... I know I'm just gonna screw things up wherever I try to work, and it scares me to think of what people will think or say or do in response. I've never really had any emotional support until that last September when I met my boyfriend, and virtually no friends, ever, like I said. I practically live on the internet, even though I do like to be active. Just not alone, but not with someone I don't know, if that makes sense.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling here cause I'm so nervous about posting this that it's kinda scrambling my mind a bit. Any advice or tips or anything is greatly appreciated, this is the first 'community forum' of any kind I've ever posted in, so I don't know what to expect...
If anyone wants to know a bit more about me, you can check out my MySpace page (link in siggy) or my freewebs page (http://freewebs.com/sayashuri).