Hello i m new And i need some advice pls :)

Hello i am Nikos from Greece i m 23 years old and i ll try to write my problem to you . my English is bad so Its ok if you laugh i laugh too heh. I m 23 as i said and i got Social anxiety and shyness. I had a really happy life till the age of 18 .I was always out playing with friends sports and lot of stuff with no problem even if i always was the "smallest" one. From 18 to 23 i m really in bad spot. I had( got less at the moment ) depression over 4 years without telling it to anyone even my parents didnt know. I was a tiny kid in compare with my age . For example when i was 16 i loook like 13-14 i was short with tiny body and kiddish face even in highschool. I had slow time to grow up From optical but and mind view. Anyway at 17-19 i really changed i got tall and my face more mature. I had problems in confidence though cause i didnt steps with girls in young age. I m 23 now i meet a girl and she is far from me. So When i decided to go to see her i was so nervous going out from Such a silent long time in my house. Anyway i found the power and i did it and it went really well and we r nice together but we r away 6-7 hours. This story with the girl made me to realize that life is passing without living it almost 4 years and now i want to return to my life. The problem that i want some help is shyness and akward moments. I was always social till 18. But that time in my house with depression 4 years made a big damage to me. When i go out i got anxiety i feel like everybody is looking at me and they can understand that i m not Cool. Can somebody tell me how to deal with this? This girl aint got this problems i want to get my life back and be calm outside with friends. Thank you

Hi Niko! Welcome to the forum! I read your thread and your english seems find to me. Like I said to you before, the best way to deal with this seems to be exposure but all in small steps that you can take. I see that you've met a girl who doesn't have SA. My best advice is be honest about your situation, maybe together, you can find ways for you to cope with this. It is good when you have someone else to share your experiences with. About feeling "uncool" or anythig when going to crowded places, it is normal for people in our position. It happens to me as well, what I do is that I try to fight any negative thought that comes to my head when I feel that others are watching me. Just try your best to act like yourself, it is okay to get nervous but as you go out more, you are gonna get used to certain situations. Once more, welcome and I hope you can find here others that can help you along our journey to feel and be better!

Hi Nikos Welcome to the board. I understand how you feel and struggle with many of the same feelings. I think it gets better with practice. Try to remember that people are generally thinking about themselves and are rarely looking at us and/or judging us, even though it feels that way. It's great that you met someone and had the courage to go meet her and that it went well. Try not to judge yourself harshly. I think the other comment here is good advice- exposing yourself in small increments to situations where you go out, etc.

I think trying not to judge oneself is important, even though it is hard not to. Try writing down the good things about yourself. And also remember that very often, the moments that feel so awkward to us might not even feel that way to the other people around. Try just fighting through those awkward moments and pretend they didn't even happen.

thank you very much for the answers. You right i need to be out a lot. WHen i m out i feel like " how do i look now did i look cool did i look weird " i need to remove those ****y thoughts that i hate from my mind...

Welcome, Nikos!

There are many things you can try-- the catch is that it takes time.
One thing that you would probably benefit from is exposure because it sounds to me that you are more shy and nervous now than you were before because of your depression-- and I assume that meant 4 years of keeping yourself away from people; so you aren't used to doing the things you did in your childhood.

Getting outside more and forcing yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable should slowly help you become more of the person you used to be.
It's scary and it's hard but it gets a bit easier each time.
Confidence and higher self esteem can come with getting out more and getting used to 'normal life' again. That's another thing that I deal with and I know it is very difficult.
--just one thing for you to try, though.

And your English is very good-- so, no worries about that.

Hey Nikos. Here are a few thoughts that could give you some ideas or inspiration hopefully. I have written a bit too much probably but I hope it might help. Good luck and work hard to get better and I think you can do it

1) There are a lot of people with the same problem

My life has been much like yours so I think I really understand what you are going through. I was living with my parents from when I was 23 to 27 for about 5 years. I'm now 33 though and when I was about 27 I saw a therapist and worked really hard to improve my social anxiety and it has really improved my life. Also, many other people have the same problem so you aren't alone with this.

2) The most important thing is that you want to get better

The best thing I like about your post is that you seem to want to get better and you are willing to do something about it. That is the most important thing. I think you should decide now that you are going to try to make yourself better no matter what. Even if it's hard sometimes and even if you have setbacks sometimes. This means that even if that relationship with that girl ends up not working out that you will still try to make your social anxiety better because you realize that doing that will make your life happier and better.

3) You might want to get real help

If there is a mental health clinic or you could pay for a therapist that understands social anxiety it may really help and be worth it. They will make you work at improving your problem and give you many more ideas of ways to get better than we can or than you could do on your own. If you could see someone once every couple of weeks they will keep you motivated and guide you in ways that can help, letting you know what things you can do to get better.

4) You will only get better if you focus and work at it

To improve a fear or anxiety you have to do something about it, and it may be hard sometimes. You need to really focus on getting better and not just expect it to improve without doing any work. Think of it like when you played sports. You get better at sports because you play them every day. Some days you win and some days you lose, but you get better if you play every day. If you focus on getting better and really work at it every day you can get better I think. It won't always be easy. Learning to do anything isn't easy. But nothing else will improve your life more than overcoming your fear of people and social situations so it's worth it.

5) The problem is anxiety not how "good" you are socially

One thing I always tried to remember after I learned it is that the main problem with social anxiety is really not that we have bad social skills, which we might, but that we are afraid and anxious. A person's social skills may be bad too, but the real problem is that they feel anxiety and are afraid, not how "good" they are socially. It doesn't matter if you are quiet or that you aren't as talkative or friendly with other people. What matters is that you feel ok and are not afraid of people or being in social situations.

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And here are just a few things you could try. Instead of just reading what I've wrote here it would be best to search on the internet to find a better description of how to do these things but here is a short description.

1) Make a list of positive thoughts to replace negative thoughts

Write down 10 short positive thoughts on a piece of paper that replace any negative thoughts you have. Things on the list could include thoughts like "I'm fine just how I am even though I get nervous", "I can be quiet and not say anything if I want to", or "I don't care what people think". Fold up the list and put it in your pocket or wallet. Read the positive thoughts at certain times during the day, as well as out loud before and after sleeping. Try to also say those positive thoughts to yourself anytime you have negative thoughts.

2) Do exposure therapy by repeatedly doing social events

Make a list of social events or goals that "you" really want to be able to do and write it down on a piece of paper. Your list could include things like "Look someone in the eye", "Go into a store", "Buy some groceries at the store", "Say hi to a stranger", "Phone a cousin or relative", or "Go to a moovie in a theater" etc. Rank them from the easiest to the hardest, but try to make quite a few easier ones that you think you might actually be able to do soon. Pick the easiest thing on your list. Every day, go do that thing as often as you can. So if you start with "Walk by strangers in a mall" go to the mall every day and walk by strangers over and over again. Just do that. Repeat it but take breaks in between doing it. Once you feel more comfortable doing that then pick the next hardest thing on your list and do that every day. Work your way down the list to harder and harder things. Also, continually change your list and think about what you will do. This will take months or years but continue improving in this way spending an hour or more every day on improving your social anxiety just as you might spend an hour or more exercising to improve your fitness.

3) Do not avoid social situations

No matter how you feel before you do your exposure, remember that the most imporant thing is that you don't avoid it and that you do it anyways. It doesn't matter if you sweat, or can't talk, or don't do it perfectly or whatever. Do it anyways even if it is tough the first time. Of course, don't go too far with this. My therapist always said "You never fail, you just set your goal too high". But for the most part, don't avoid or run away from doing things. Do them anyway and you will get better, decreasing the amount of anxiety or fear you feel in those situations.

4) Write down your goal and a list of reasons why

Write down your goal on a piece of paper. It could be something like "I will get rid of my fear of people and be free. I will work every day to overcome my social anxiety problem to improve my life". You could also add a specific goal you are working towards like "I will go to a movie in a theater by myself by August 30th". Then add below your goal a list of 10 reasons why you want to improve your social anxiety. Reasons could include things like "I could enjoy being with a girlfriend", "I would be able to live in my own apartment", "I could buy my own groceries without being afraid". Read your goal and your list of reasons for it every night before you go to bed, and every morning right when you wake up. Read it aloud if possible.

THank you for all the advices. YOu right that it needs time to "cure" cause i m used to the depression period.But as you all said its good that i want to Fix it and i dont accept depression and staying in house anymore. I saw only once a therapist and she told me that i look and talk really cool even when i m shy and also that 4 years deression alone without sharing it is a huge mistake and really hard time for me. She told me that people with depression with Less time than mine like for example 1 year usually take meds to help them. SO i need to take too cause my case is harder but i didnt take it. i Only take klonopin for rare cases. Do you think i should get meds to boost me more?

Γεια σου Νικο,ειμαι νομιζω η μοναδικη ελληνιδα απο αυτο το φορουμ,εαν εχεις facebook,ειμαστε αλλα δυο παιδια με κοινωνικη φοβια και βγαινουμε μια στο τοσο και συζηταμε,μιας και υποφερουμε απο το ιδιο προβλημα,ειναι λιγοτερο αγχωτικο να μιλαμε πιο ελευθερα http://www.facebook.com/leni.casablancas αυτο ειναι το προφιλ μου και αν θελησεις,να γινεις μελος του γκρουπ να γνωριστεις και με τα αλλα παιδια.

That is a tough decision. It comes down to what you think is best, and how much help you need. My therapist wanted me to take medication too and I also did not take any for different reasons. A psychiatrist and my family doctor also thought I should. There was different reasons for me not to take them but mostly I did not want to become dependent on them. But don't be ashamed to take them for sure. They have helped a lot of people and in the end if it helps you be happier that is what is most important. Doctors recommend things because they know that it really helps some people.

As long as you are not taking medication you can look into more natural and healthy ways to help your brain too, just like medication does. When my therapist wanted me to take medication I kind of convinced her that I would find more natural ways like exercising to try and improve my negative thoughts in my brain. I found out about and took 5-HTP, which isn't nearly as strong as regular medication, but helps your brain in a similar way while being more natural and without as bad side effects. Here are a few ideas but maybe you can think of other things you aren't doing now that make you feel good that could help and that aren't medication.

- Look into getting over the counter pills like 5-HTP or St Johns Wort.
- Get outside every day for 30 minutes
- Exercise every day for 30 minutes
- Do meditation and deep breathing every day for 10 minutes.
- Find out a way to get 8 hours of sleep every night.
- Drink green tea during day and/or in the evening before bed.

Ευχαριστω πολυ . Σ εκανα add yellowbird . Monkeyman i dont know what 5-HTP Pills is to be honest. I try to get outside 30 mins and exercise as you said. I dont know about deep breathing or if green tea helps. Thank you. I need to find a way when i m getting anxious to make it less . I tried to think something else but it didnt work