Have you been told your attractive, and still don't have confidence?

NightTimeForever

NightTimeForever

Well-known member
The question is in the title. This has happened to me, but I'm not sure how valid such comments are in a (somewhat) sympathetic society. I've been called attractive/hot/cute, etc I still don't have confidence. I used to be self-conscious about my wafer-thin physique, but I've definitely packed on some muscle these last several months by sitting on my rump and working out constantly (lost job). Even with that improvement, I still lack confidence as I don't have external validation due to moderate isolation. Not sure how to take charge of the situation.
 
Azael

Azael

Well-known member
In today's world people feel more comfortable voicing negativity than anything else; so I would say that those outbursts are not reflective of what everyone think of you. I would hazzard a guess and say that the majority of people will find you acceptable. It's unfortunate that those few negative comments are the most damaging. You can be complimented regularly but just a few bad words can be very destructive; particularly in your developmental years... I'm leaning very much to thoughtless parents here!

To the question though. Yes I have been told that I am unattractive or had someone draw attention to specific features that they found questionnable. That was something that made it even worse, it wasn't simply "you're ugly" but very specific details to go with it! Certain issues that arose later on have made it utterly impossible to recover from this mess. And I do mean impossible. But that's life. You are either lucky enough to have enough to get by or not and I am reasoned very clearly that I will not be one of them despite my best efforts.
 
NightTimeForever

NightTimeForever

Well-known member
Azael, I was focusing on the fact that I was called attractive (or variations of it), but still lack confidence for whatever reason. Even so, your answer still makes me curious: was it your parents that labeled you as "unattractive"?
 
Aletheia

Aletheia

Well-known member
NightTimeForever said:
I've been called attractive/hot/cute, etc I still don't have confidence.
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I suffer from this as well.

I think it's because I have a very deep seated belief that I'm unattractive=unacceptable=unlovable.

Anything that doesn't mesh with this tends to slide out of my head, whereas anything that falls in line with it gets lodged within the construct forever more, strengthening it and making it that much more inescapable.

It's as if my belief system is so important to me that I cling onto anything that supports it like grim death. I don't know why this is.
 
vj288

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
I can relate, not specifically in regard to appearance/attractiveness, but people have try to tell me good things about myself and often when they do not line up with my preconceived beliefs about myself I will brush it off as being polite, or as a joke or something. For some things confidence has to come from within I think, if I don't believe something to be true other people telling me it isn't going to change that if I'm stuck on the thought. I mean if you try telling me gravity is all a hoax I'm not going to change my belief about it because you said so.
 
DeadmanWalking

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
I can relate to this alot and not just with my looks. People haven't commented on them in the past and they rarely comment on them now. Why should I believe them now when they say that I look good? No one ever really complimented me or told me about the good things I had done as a child, so I began to believe that nothing I had done or looked like was right. It didn't help that no one had taught me fashion sense and that my brother once didn't want me around him because I wasn't matching.
 
N

new account

Active member
DeadmanWalking said:
I can relate to this alot and not just with my looks. People haven't commented on them in the past and they rarely comment on them now. Why should I believe them now when they say that I look good? No one ever really complimented me or told me about the good things I had done as a child, so I began to believe that nothing I had done or looked like was right. It didn't help that no one had taught me fashion sense and that my brother once didn't want me around him because I wasn't matching.
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Your brother is pure evil. That sounds like a stupid joke. What is a fashion sense? I don't care what fashion is and I don't care to know. If someone tried to teach me some sort of fashion, I wouldn't pay attention.
 
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gustavofring

gustavofring

Well-known member
Yes I have been called handsome on quite a few ocassions, and my girlfriend thinks I am attractive obviously. Still, I am very self-aware because of my teenage years when I was often on the chubby side, and people were very rude about my looks in general, wether it's weight, clothes or hair. And I think so too when I look back at old pictures that I looked like crap. It was actually at the end of highschool and i had grown in looks and started taking on a "style" and as a result a happier and more outgoing personality, that people started to act friendly and interested in me.

Anyway those years where I was treated like crap, even by friends, still are with me, and that results in self-awareness about looks to this day. Even though I know I look atleast presentable, it just stays with you, no matter how many times people say you look good. Kind of like a Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde thing; because you heard so many comments in your life about your looks that GREATLY differ in nature you forget who you are and are insecure about it.

Anyway, I personally don't think looks are that much of a big deal. It's really personality that makes me like a person. There are a lot of attractive people who have a rotten personality.
 
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MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Aletheia said:
I think it's because I have a very deep seated belief that I'm unattractive=unacceptable=unlovable.
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Same here.

I've been called hot and sexy and cute and all those other things, even on this very site, but I still can never get the confidence I need.

I still like hearing it, though. ;)
 
lonely_drummer

lonely_drummer

Well-known member
I've only been complemented on this site which leads me to believe you all are just being the nice people you are. Actually I had a girl say she liked my smile once, I guess that somewhat counts, yay for me!!
 
Shyangel

Shyangel

Well-known member
@ Mikey

I knew I couldn't be the only one to recognize your attractiveness. ^.^
You should start listening, because those things are true. ;)

Sweet guys on and off this site have complimented me, but of course, it's not something I can see. I do appreciate the compliments, though.

@Drummer

Your definitely a handsome guy. I can't understand how no ones told you that.
 
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MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Shyangel said:
@ Mikey

I knew I couldn't be the only one to recognize your attractiveness. ^.^
You should start listening, because those things are true. ;)

Sweet guys on and off this site have complimented me, but of course, it's not something I can see. I do appreciate the compliments, though.
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There's only one possible solution, and that's you're all crazy and blind. ;)

You don't see it, but we can! You're quite gorgeous.
 
lonely_drummer

lonely_drummer

Well-known member
Shyangel said:
@Drummer

Your definitely a handsome guy. I can't understand how no ones told you that.
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It just hasn't happened, its so foreign to me that not getting complements seems like the norm. The only thing that really gets mentioned about me physically is usually, "whoa, big beard". Can't really take that the same as, "you're cute" or "you're hot!" lol
 
Shyangel

Shyangel

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
There's only one possible solution, and that's you're all crazy and blind. ;)

You don't see it, but we can! You're quite gorgeous.
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Crazy, maybe, blind, no. If I were to be blind I couldn't read this right now, so, ha! Proven wrong...::p:

I appreciate your sweetness.:)
 
WeirdyMcGee

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Yes.
It wouldn't matter if every person I ran into on a daily basis told me I'm attractive 100 times a day; I still wouldn't buy it.

I don't feel like the body I am in is mine, though.
I hate the person I see when I catch a reflection.
 
twiggle

twiggle

Well-known member
I've had compliments but I've also had insults.
So naturally I believe the insults with regards to confidence in my appearance, but, I do believe as I wrote somewhere in another thread that feeling good is looking good... so I'm worrying less about my looks now, and just working towards getting some inner peace instead.
Natural, intended smiles = attractive.
 
coyote

coyote

Well-known member
true story...

it was 2004, i was 40 years old

no one had ever told me that they thought i was good looking until my second wife

she kept insisting that i was, and that other women thought i was

having trouble believing her, i posted an old photo of myself on "hotornot.com"

to see what sort of reaction it would get

i chose an old photo - from when i was in my early twenties - because i was curious to see what girls may have thought of me back then, when i was single and available. i wasn't worried about what anyone else thought of me in the present, because i was happily married

however, my wife assumed that i was posting my photo in an effort to meet and hook-up with women online

i tried to explain, but she could NOT believe that i didn't know how attractive i was or that i had such little confidence and such a low opinion of my own looks

why? because she had a low self-image and lacked confidence in the fact that i found HER attractive and wasn't interested in any other women - even though i thought she was beautiful and loved her with all my heart

there is no moral to this story - or happy ending, i'm afraid

she left me for some other guy

i don't even think he's as good looking as i am
 
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Arthur_Dent

Arthur_Dent

1
I have been told that a couple times, and just half of those times I think it has been sincere and not just politeness. But I never had a confidence problem regarding my looks, I'm aware that people have different tastes so I can imagine someone liking me.

But I still don't have confidence, because if yes I can imagine someone liking me, I can't imagine someone loving me. I see it as a depressing funnel, from the narrow group of women who may find me attractive, a smaller group will find me interesting, and there's where I start to loose my hope because I can't imagine having the luck of knowing someone in that small group who also will happen to be unbelievably understanding and patient to put up and help me to get over the clingyness and insecurities that all these years of miserable loneliness had caused me.
 
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