Give people a chance

P

Paul-

Guest
Hi everyone,

I decided to post because I have something to say which I think fellow SP sufferers may find helpful and encouraging..

I've been suffering with social phobia for around the last 8 - 9 years, I'm 27 now and my illness became so bad that I was unable to leave my house and even unable to answer the door, speak on the phone or even talk to members of my own family face to face.. Seeing a doctor wasn't an option for me and I never got any help or treatment and the longer it went on, the more withdrawn and reclusive I became.. I used to go out at night time to post letters to avoid seeing anyone! If I'd be in the house on my own during the day and someone knocked on the door I'd lock myself away and hide and shake with fear... This gives you a picture of how bad things were.. I was a prisoner in my own home for about 3 - 4 years.. and the SP was controlling every minute of my life and making it extremely unpleasant. I sometimes wondered if it was worth living, because it seemed like it didn't matter if I was there or not.. who would notice?

The only thing that kept me going all that time was my work, (I run a business from home), and just normal distractions like TV and the Internet.. The Internet has been a real help and my link to the outside world, without it I don't think I could have coped..

In June of last year, I met a girl called Linda who I fell in love with after chatting on IRC, and although I expect you're wondering how thats possible, it happened, and we went from chatting occassionally on IRC to talking on the phone for 5 hours or more a day.. This in itself was strange for me, considering I rarely used the phone and was terrified of talking to people.

It's now 15 months later and I'm in a proper relationship with the same girl, Linda I met on IRC last year.. It took a lot of courage, but after I finally came clean with her and explained about my SP to her, she listened with a sympathetic ear and said that she still wanted to meet me.. Now imagine that at the time I was still terrified of seeing anyone and still wasn't going out, and now, this girl who I got to know so well was telling me that she wants to travel a long way to come to my house to see me! We agreed on a date three weeks away but I didn't believe it would happened and was thinking of ways to get out of it. I couldn't imagine how I would survive seeing her face to face, and what she'd think of me.. Up until then I must have looked pretty bad, I was cutting my own hair and very pale and thin from not getting out..

I decided if Linda was going to go through with seeing me I would have to consider suicide. I even told her I would sooner kill myself than have her see me, but she told me that nothing was that bad, and everything would be fine once we'd met and I'd see it was worth it.. Jumping on a bit.. I did a series of things before she came which were quite terrifying but I did them anyway..

First, I wrote a long letter to my doctor telling him everything and asking to see him. He was very good and phoned me and arranged an appointment at his surgery after hours so that I wouldn't have to see anyone. I had a drink and somehow managed to get myself down there to see him and I sat there while he went over my letter and asked me lots of questions. He referred me to see a clinical psychologist and said there was no drug treatment available for my "condition"..

I was hoping that I'd come back with some tablets and that within a couple of weeks of taking them, I'd feel normal enough to see this girl so I felt kind of cheated and disappointed that I'd gone through all that for nothing.. But the talking to someone, a professional, was a great help and made me realise that there is help out there available, no matter how bad you are and what you think people might think, they are there and willing to help you, if you make the effort, bite the bullet and take that first step.

The experience of going to see my doctor gave me some confidence and I went and got my hair cut that same day.. something I hadn't done in many many years. The hairdresser could see I was really shy and nervous, but made me feel comfortable and was very nice..

As the day drew near to when Linda would be coming to see me, I grew more and more anxious and on the day I was so nervous I was phsyically shaking and sick all day.. I have never felt so bad. Her taxi arrived outside and she knocked the door, I took a very deep breath, opened the door and there she was.. she smiled at me and I smiled back nervously and we kissed..

Within an hour we were in bed together and I knew from that point on that things were going to change.. gradually, I began to feel less like some weird freak and more like a normal person, someone who another person could find attractive and want to be with, even despite my difficulties at being around people.

Well, its been almost two months since then, and two weeks ago I travelled on a coach for 6 hours, went into a pub and met Linda, then went back to her house and met her parents.. It was SCARY stuff and the day before I was a nervous wreck and sick again, but I did it anyway, and do you know what, once I got past the initial fear..I actually enjoyed it.. every minute.. We had a wonderful week together and I did loads of things I haven't been able to do in years.. like sunbathing in the garden, going shopping, going to the pub etc.. I came back home glowing with a new confidence and people are already different towards me.

I know there are people out there who were like me, shutting themselves away and avoiding everyone and everyone for risk of embarassement or awkward social situations.. but during the last 2 months, I'm managed to break free of my SP and isolation, get out and start leading a normal life again. I would say to anyone who's afraid and controlled by their SP to listen to me:

Its not as bad as you think and you can deal with it in easy manageable steps..

Here's what I have found out myself from my own experience during the last 2 months which have been the key to my recovery and helped me load.. I'd like to share them with you:

1. Seek professional help as soon as you can. Most people with SP are very reluctant to do this and wait far too long to see someone (like I did). There are people out there who are trained experts at dealing with your problems and are only too glad to help you, (thats what they're paid for). Find out what help is available in your area by contacting your doctor. If seeing your doctor is a problem, do it in stages. Write to him, fax him, telephone him, go through a trial visit to the surgery the day before to see what its like, where to sit etc., and get an appointment at a time when its closed or not very busy. Talk to your doctor and tell him everything, he is the first person who will listen and help you. He'll probably refer you to a psychologist. Don't panic or get nervous about that, its just another more specialised doctor who can help you. They're very understanding and sympathetic and easy to talk to and you'll find that they can become a good friend who you can talk to regularly which is _really_ helpful.

2. SP is all about fear and letting it control you. The more you worry and think about being afraid, the more your fear grows. I know the fear can be very frightening and at times can overwhelm you, but the most important thing is not to let it control you. Take control of your fear, take deep breaths and even if you feel scared witless about doing something, DO IT ANYWAY.. trust me, even if it feels bad at the time, you'll feel better for standing up to your fear and doing it. Much better. It shows you have guts and you can take charge and do things. The more times you take charge of your fear, the easier it becomes. The pay off is great and your confidence grows quickly the more you take charge. Try it.

3. If you don't go out much or avoid doing things, take that important first step and go out and do something. Start small and do things gradually at first. Get used to how it feels and then try bigger things. People will respect you for having guts, and you'll respect yourself and feel good. Do or use whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable going out and doing things. Maybe have a drink, chew gum, wear glasses, or makeup if you're female. Little things like this can make a big difference and relax you.

4. Most people around you are not pre-occupied with looking at and study you when you're out. So what if you look nervous when you speak or if you avoid eye contact? Most people will just think you're shy and will compensate for it and be nice to you.. you'd be surprised. Give people a chance and don't be afraid of what others think. The chances are people don't find you weird or strange, you only imagine they do.

5. Take something with you when you go out for what I call a "diversion".. A shoulder bag, a book, personal stereo..anything.. If you feel uncomfortable on the bus, or in that waiting room, you have a diversion to focus on and it will take your mind off your fear and stop you getting tense.

6. Don't rely on medication, drugs or drink to make you feel confident or mask the fear. Although you may find them helpful in the very short term, they are NOT the answer and will not help or cure you. Its not good or healthy to depend on something, and you'll find the benefits gradually wear off and you're left dealing with the mess.

7. If you want to improve your self confidence and start feeling good about yourself, start by improving your outward appearance, get a suntan, get your hair cut and get some nice clothes. If you look and feel good about yourself on the outside, people will notice and you'll start to feel good about yourself on the inside. You'll be surprised how quickly this works.

8. Try and relax as much as you can, and set aside half an hour or more a day where you can sit somewhere quiet and relax.. Try breathing exercises or meditation to calm your nervous, its amazing how good you feel afterwards and how you're able to cope better with those difficult or frightening situations that much better.

9. Keep your mind occupied and don't dwell on your SP and bad feelings. The problem with SP sufferers is that most of us are completely wrapped up in our own little world and our own problems, we're completely pre-occupied with ourselves and this is part and package of the problem. You must break out of this. Do some work or do something for someone else. I've found, the less you think about yourself and the more you think about others and do things for others, the better you feel about yourself. It works, try it.

10. All of us have an inner voice.. notice how many SP sufferers have a very negative inner voice "i can't do that", "what if it goes wrong" "what if i look stupid" etc.. You have to be aware of when that voice is feeding you negative feedback and switch it off. Don't listen to it, and instead focus on the times when you did cope and manage ok in situations and how good it felt afterwards. Tell yourself positively that you CAN and you WILL do it and be fine.

11. When you're feeling particularly low or having a bad day, let it all out and have a good cry. The release of weeks of pent up emotion and feelings is good for you and your confidence and you'll feel loads better afterwards.

12. Talk to people and be honest about the way you're feeling. Don't hide things and try and pretend. I have found people appreciate and respond much better to honesty. If you're feeling nervous or uncomfortable, tell the other person. You might even laugh about it and already the situation becomes less tense and easier.

I hope some of you find this encouraging and get something from my post. Remember you're not on your own and theres always someone who understands what you're going through and willing to talk.

Take one day a time and keep your chins up, it WILL get better and easier for you!

Paul, June 2003
 

TooShyShy

Well-known member
AWESOME STORY!!! Congrats :) It sounds like you took a BIG chance and now you are a much happier person..that's great.

Thanks for sharing your story!!!!! I hope my shy guy at work can take a leap of faith and learn to trust me.
 

Nl54

Well-known member
Fantastic story!! Thanks for sharing. Could be a great inspiration to many people :) Also, you are correct. Many times I have got my self all worked up and worried over practically nothing, and when the event finally happens I feel like a crazy person for being so nervous in the first place. Taking the first step is the hardest thing to do...after that it isn't that big of a deal. Cheers, friends
 
U

Unregistered&&&

Guest
i just want to say i think i am pretty much suffering with what u are going though and it feels good to not be alone suffering from something like this.i became a regular drug user and ended up in hostpital on life support-i needed this to make me want to change my life. drugs and alcohol where the only way i could leave my house-constanly worried that everyone was judging me,i would have panik attacks when having to deal` with strangers..i am so greatful i have finally found the strength to want to live and the strength to try and fight this,i am seing a psychologist,being treated for depression,anxiety and social phobia..for everyone out there that is going though and of this the first thing u need to do is believe in yourself..when u can do that u will realise u can get through anything
 
U

Unregistered52223

Guest
This was posted 6 years ago. Paul is long gone.
 

shybhoy

Well-known member
awesomo story mate :)

Chances are worth taking ! what the worst that can happen is you get nothing out of it and stay the way you have been for years...but its because you don't take chances that you don't get anywhere, but you had the strength and courage to take the chance and look what happened...good on you mate ! :)
 
Top