Frustrated Parent!!!

Amalie

New member
Hello, I'm new to this forum. I came here out of frustration and wanted to hear other ppl's views on this topic. I am the mother of an 11 year old girl who is very shy. What brings me hear is that I feel I have reached my last straw. My daughter is a very happy, content girl. She is polite and quiet and very sweet. Ever since her first days in Kindergarten, I have been told by teachers that she is far too quiet. They treat her shyness as a negative, which is reflected in her marks and her overall well being. They (teachers) push, and prod and treat her like she has some kind of disability. They have put her in special classes to help her gain self confidence and have alienated her for as long as I can remember. Her school experience (poor girl) has been very negative. The reactions to her shyness by her teachers have poured over into the reactions from her peers. The constant removal from regular classroom and the constant negative attention that she has received has been outrageous. When she gets poor marks, I am told it's because she doesn't speak. When she is put (without my knowledge) in special classes and I in turn remove her due to the stress of being alienated yet again, I am told that she is manipulating me. I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT HER SHYNESS IS A PROBLEM!!! I pride myself on having quiet kids. Kids who respect, don't speak out of turn, and aren't obnoxious. I myself am shy. I myself am a teacher!! I AM FINE!! My poor daughter on the otherhand has been exposed to sooo much negativity when it comes to her lack of outgoingness that I fear she is being damaged. Where in this world is it written that shyness is an illness? When did loud kids become the norm? What can I do to end this ridiculous bias that is occuring? I feel somewhat satisfied that I am now a teacher myself and can promote a healthy awareness about shyness yet I feel that I have let my daughter down by teaching her to be one way...and having the school crucify her for it. My youngest is a quiet girl too. Her JK/SK teacher happened to be a shy nervous lady as well. Her shyness has been perceived as a welcome addition to the classroom and she seems to be well socially adjusted. I'm thankful that thus far that this hasn't been an issue for her, but I know that once she hits a grade that is led by an outgoing, power tripping, teacher...she will be doomed too. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me deal with this situation. My oldest is going to be in grade seven this year and I feel like I've let her down by allowing ppl to judge her. HELP!! MY ANGER LEVELS ARE FAR TOO HIGH!! and being shy myself makes it difficult for me to express this anger as I am not one to 'rock the boat'. People need to learn that louder is NOT BETTER!
 

maggie

Well-known member
That's kind of nice to read, that being quiet is not necessarily a bad thing :) It's just that we are so outnumbered by others who are more than willing to share their opinions freely, loudly, and sometimes in a hurtful way. Any teacher I ever had shared concerns on report cards about my extreme shyness, my lack of participation in class. I think that how the teachers react to your daughter will be very important. And it's really too bad that being quiet and polite is considered odd :?
 

Colin

Well-known member
My parents enjoyed having a shy kid for your same reasons until I turned 16, that's when their expectations started to change and they wanted me to engage in social activities. I'm not sure if alternative classes or schools work because I refused to try them. I agree the Ontario education system is not built for people with SA. I found it the easiest to cope and succeed between Grades 7-11.
 

SilentBrook

Member
And I thought my primary school was messy- at least they valued quietness and courtesy. Do you have any other schooling options?

Do whatever you can to build up your girls' self esteem. Show them they aren't stupid or whatever the faculty make them out to be. As nefarious as the school is be equally accepting and loving. When ever they (your children) make a mistake or whatever, don't go smackdown on them- just laugh it off and tell them there is always a second chance. Also this alienation is not going to be good- instead of raising your child's confidence (pfft), it might do the opposite and given what your school's faculty is like, have your girl believe she is not worth it and freakish.

I know shys hate to rock the boat. I do too. You might have to...perhaps if you used your anger as motivation to help fix your own fears and then stand up to these brutes, you can be a role model to your child. That she too, just like you...can believe she can stand up for herself. And stand up to what? The alienantion, the teachers...it's a very big call but you have to remember and keep the image in your head of your child suffering. I know you can be the best for your child.
 

J

Well-known member
<quote>I've even been told by one employer " I was difficult to talk to" and therefore people felt uneasy around me. This was for a factory job which required little communication. I've watched quiet people pigeon holed, catagortized, judged and abused within the space of a few minutes.</quote>

That's been my employment experience at almost every job I've ever had, including the one I'm at (and dislike, again... sigh... I thought I wanted a career, I guess I just wanted a salary :p).

I know America is famous for loudmouthed, rude, boorish, arrogant, worship-the-shallow-popular-crowd behavior, so I (sadly) expect it here now... it saddens me more to hear that this is the case in the UK and elsewhere in the former Empire (places that all seem more civilized than the US, to me...) ...being a "dumb American" who can only speak English :)P) there goes the places I dream to going to to get away from this country (which, as I'm sure you all know, is going to hell at top speed in a million ways).
 

Gloomy

Well-known member
My whole school experience was hell. The whole school system totally did the wrong things in dealing with my shyness. Instead of trying to help me overcome it, they punished me for being shy. I was far more intelligent than the other students so I had trouble relating to them. School fucked up as early as kindergarten where because of my higher intelect I had trouble socializing with the glue eaters, so the school did the logical thing and made me repeat kindergarten. :roll: So that the next time the intelligence gap was even higher. Throughout school I found the material to be very simple and boring and teachers would always put remarks that I wasnt participating. When I was shy and didnt fit in, the teachers instead of trying to make me feel like I belong would single me out and make me feel like I totally didnt belong. The students were even worse, they were like a pack of wolves surrounding a wounded deer.

With my abilities I could have done so much, but instead school ruined me.
 

Snowcrash

Well-known member
I hate the whole concept of judging students based on who has their hand up to volunteer to participate the most. To some degree this is the norm just because shy/quiet people are just in the minority.

BUT it also shows an utter lack of creativity in regards to how students should be evaluated. I am so many problems with the way a typical public school is run that I cannot even begin to list them out. It just amazes me that schools manage to completely miss preparing you for much other than more school.

Who out there has a job where you sit in a room full of peers raising you hand to answer questions based on facts that you have to memorize to fill out a multiple choice test at the end of the week?

Look at all the different jobs out there. How many of those jobs are necessarily done best by the person who talks the most?
 

MarCPatt

Well-known member
I never had any problems with my teachers. Don't know what to say. But I do not think there is anything wrong with being quiet. :?
 

newshyguy

Well-known member
yo

MarCPatt said:
I never had any problems with my teachers. Don't know what to say. But I do not think there is anything wrong with being quiet. :?

i second that statement
 

MarCPatt

Well-known member
You know, I was just thinking about this and I realized that I have to advise you to put your foot down on those teachers and to tell them to stop hurting your child. Because that is what they are doing. Not everyone in this world has to be loud and outgoing. One of the things that makes this world wonderful, is the variety of people that we have. What they are doing is detrimental to that child's emotional health; instead of helping her, by allowing her to be around her peers. Tell them this has to stop. As long as your child is doing her homework, listening in class, and not hurting others, they should not be punishing her for being quiet or shy. I know that you said that you do not like confrontation, but this is a time that you must sum up all your strength and face this problem that is hurting your child.

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It sadens me to read this post. It seems to me that you are trying to make a point, and you are using your daughter to do it. Why do you want your daughter to be shy? It makes no sense.

Not being shy doesn't mean that you are loud.

Btw, shyness IS an illness if it derives from fear.
It is not the same thing as someone that is quiet by choice, but yet is assertive.

Get out of your ego, you are hearting you daughter for life by trying to shape her into a shy girl.
 

blubs

Well-known member
You express yourself so well and with such common sense that I think it would be a shame if you didn't persue this with your daughter's school.
With all the problems schools have now with discipline and respect it seems totally ridiculous to single out a child that is respectful and well behaved as being 'wrong' in some way.
If you stand up for her, then I think you'll be standing up for all the other kids that are getting marginalised like this.
I know that confrontation is difficult if you are shy, but perhaps you could put your thoughts in a letter to the head of the school, or the governors. I'm sure it would make them think.
 

JimPhelps

New member
The same thing pretty much happened to me when I was in primary school. I was quiet so people just assumed I was stupid. I was also a East Indian brown kid in a prodominately white school. I was put in special Ed class after special Ed school when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Even today Whenever I meet a new group of people depending on who they are they respond very negatively to my shyness. They talk to me like I'm stupid as if I don't speak engish. When I probably speak better english then anyone. It can get very frustrating. It's true though I don't understand why being loud mouthed, obboxious, arrogant, and an all around jerk is normal. Yet when someone is shy, polite, and respectful people get freaked out. Shy people have advantages to. Shy people make better listeners and better observers Shy people are very aware to what's going on around them. Shy people are not stupid!!!
 

dbindc

New member
I taught for 11 years and was diagnosed with social phobia in my mid-20's. I am 40 and I still battle social phobia; however, I am considered a success story.

You care for your daughter and that is great. I too was labeled shy when young; however, I was not shy. I suffered from social phobia. If you want to determine if your daughter is suffering from this too then you will need to refrain from being hostile towards her school and teachers and focus on how your daughter reacts at home and in public.

For example, does she avoid any type of social situation in specific? Does she experience any symptoms of social phobia while in public? If you do not know then keep a journal for a few months and ask her to tell you how she is feeling. No need to bug her terribly. As her mother you should detect behavior changes in your daughter that others may not notice. You are not trying to change her behavior, but rather document it.

Educate your daughter's school about social phobia. Even if you daughter has not been professionally diagnosed you will be helping other students who suffer and raise your daughter's teachers' attention about how important it is to be aware of this crippling phobia.

Enlist a professional too. Being shy and suffering from social phobia are not synonymous.

She is lucky that you have taken such interest in her mental health.

If anything, please discuss with the school the negative impact of her teachers' reactions to your daughter's shyness. We are not all programmed equally and that is a great thing which should be celebrated. Encourage her teachers to find in which areas she excels and to let her know how well she performs.

Good luck!
 

Septor

Well-known member
Amalie said:
Hello, I'm new to this forum. I came here out of frustration and wanted to hear other ppl's views on this topic. I am the mother of an 11 year old girl who is very shy. What brings me hear is that I feel I have reached my last straw. My daughter is a very happy, content girl. She is polite and quiet and very sweet. Ever since her first days in Kindergarten, I have been told by teachers that she is far too quiet. They treat her shyness as a negative, which is reflected in her marks and her overall well being. They (teachers) push, and prod and treat her like she has some kind of disability. They have put her in special classes to help her gain self confidence and have alienated her for as long as I can remember. Her school experience (poor girl) has been very negative. The reactions to her shyness by her teachers have poured over into the reactions from her peers. The constant removal from regular classroom and the constant negative attention that she has received has been outrageous. When she gets poor marks, I am told it's because she doesn't speak. When she is put (without my knowledge) in special classes and I in turn remove her due to the stress of being alienated yet again, I am told that she is manipulating me. I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT HER SHYNESS IS A PROBLEM!!! I pride myself on having quiet kids. Kids who respect, don't speak out of turn, and aren't obnoxious. I myself am shy. I myself am a teacher!! I AM FINE!! My poor daughter on the otherhand has been exposed to sooo much negativity when it comes to her lack of outgoingness that I fear she is being damaged. Where in this world is it written that shyness is an illness? When did loud kids become the norm? What can I do to end this ridiculous bias that is occuring? I feel somewhat satisfied that I am now a teacher myself and can promote a healthy awareness about shyness yet I feel that I have let my daughter down by teaching her to be one way...and having the school crucify her for it. My youngest is a quiet girl too. Her JK/SK teacher happened to be a shy nervous lady as well. Her shyness has been perceived as a welcome addition to the classroom and she seems to be well socially adjusted. I'm thankful that thus far that this hasn't been an issue for her, but I know that once she hits a grade that is led by an outgoing, power tripping, teacher...she will be doomed too. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me deal with this situation. My oldest is going to be in grade seven this year and I feel like I've let her down by allowing ppl to judge her. HELP!! MY ANGER LEVELS ARE FAR TOO HIGH!! and being shy myself makes it difficult for me to express this anger as I am not one to 'rock the boat'. People need to learn that louder is NOT BETTER!


Like I said many time before in western culture people are expected to be extroverted and out going and and if your shy or introverted then there is some thing wrong with you.There nothing wrong with being shy and introverted but i have to wonder if it was not for the alienation that young people suffer in school and life.How many of us would be here and suffer from sa.

Good for you Amalie for standing up for your daughter.I commend for doing that.Louder is not better.I im sorry I really don't have any ideas to help you but watch out that your daughter does not develop sa from this crap.
 

blight

Well-known member
I think more than anything the teachers probably want to see an effort to improve be made. If they expect more than just an effort, then they have a serious problem.

Nobody should be pressured to be outgoing or loud at all, but children should learn how to communicate with people. If she can't communicate, then the teachers are obviously feeling like they failed her.

Once someone has gotten to an age where they can choose that they don't want to communicate with people at all then that is fine, but when they are very young the shyness can be a problem I think if it prevents them from learning or expanding themselves.

I would recommend talking to the teacher at the beginning of the year and discussing the shyness and asking ahead of time if there is anything extra she can do to make up for lower participation. Worth a shot maybe.
 

Reholla

Well-known member
I completely relate(d) to your daughters story!!

I was extremely, polite, sweet, caring, as a kid (and hopefully still am:)..BUT, definitely very very shy. I would always stay with a girl I felt comfortable with, and if she went somewhere I had to go to. When meeting new people I would always hide behind my dad's pant leg.

But I was also the opposite from your daughter in that my teachers encouraged me, and I really wish the same for your child!
The odd thing is that i do have AD even w. the encouragement. Regardless of your childhood, some people are just prone to anxiety.

Your daughter in NO WAY should be treated as though she has something "wrong" with her by ANY means! Even tho I was treated well, I probably would have a MUCH worse case had my teachers made me feel different from the other kids.

Now that I think of it, my childhood had many things that kind of stick out. My Kindergarten teacher gave me a "Super bear" award, I remember I was so happy of b/c she only gave to ONE child. Now that I think of it, it was probably because she felt I needed encouragement, being so shy.

ANYWAY, back to what I think should be done:

- Definitely talk to the school about their way of handling your daughters situation.
- I am SO happy you are caring enough to realize this about your daughter. My parents were the same way, and I think that;s what has helped me so much.
- I know you probably already know this, do anything you can to underplay your daughters shyness. What I mean is, never bring it up, only encourage her. The minute anyone points out I was shy, its almost an insult for shy people. Because they are so aware of it, and hoping that others over look it.
- Something unique in my childhood that happened was that I went to a school at a child development center, so conveniently the town's college had college students in child developement majors come in and do a "research" type report on each kid and the day care center. I still have this like 50 page report and its really interesting. I am glad my parents had that done.

I dont know if thats a possible think for you to do, but basically just document things your daughter does. It really will be helpful.

SO...long story short, basically youre already doing an amazing thing but just understanding your childs need. Hope my not-so-short advice helped.
 

Reholla

Well-known member
Just wanted to add somethings that might help your daughter:

Remember that you can't change your child's temperament. If your child is naturally cautious and quiet, you're not going to transform him or her into a gregarious extrovert, and that's OK. Parents can, however, exert a positive influence on their children in terms of how they feel about themselves. You can encourage your child in a way that says, "You're wonderful," and, "It's OK to take some risks." Here are six steps to guide you.

Step 1: Start from a position of acceptance.
Step 2: Support your child by listening and identifying feelings.
Step 3: Give your child permission to go at his or her own pace.
Step 4: Break the event into small, manageable pieces.
Step 5: Remind your child about past successes.
Step 6: Give it time.
 

turtlegirl

Active member
What I particularly disliked about those report card/parent teacher conference comments is some of the teachers acted like I deliberately withheld answers/thoughts by not "participating". I'm slow to think on my feed, have a poor memory, and not at all creative. Alas, no one asked why I hardly participated and I probably have some learning disability heh, but that's another topic.

I hope things are better now for your daughter.
 
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