She asked me how drill went, to be honest, I didn't go.. Nobody outside this website has any idea what it feels like to be paralyzed from anxiety. I have been doing a lot of thinking (More than I usually do) and have been weighing my life good and bad things for a reason to stick around, in case something goes right for a change as everyone here seems to think it will; I am close to rock bottom, but not there yet, so I believe I'm going to persevere despite this most recent trip down memory lane, which has been and will again be a significant set-back..
The good:
Music
Books
(Very short list, there are just so few things I really care about.)
The bad:
Military life insurance values my death at a tidy sum, family would benefit from it. (More value dead than alive)
I finally wouldn't have to feel or care about anything ever again.
Would never need to worry about employment or going into severe debt to gain a piece of paper that shows I am finally 'qualified' for a career.
Hard to imagine everything fading to nothingness and missing out on music.
Never having to worry about going homeless ever again..
Never have to worry about selling what little I own to keep money in my bank. (I sold some things for some cash, but I had to cash the cheque to avoid all that money going to my negative bank balance.)
I know people are judgemental on this site and think I'm just trying to stir drama and I don't care.. I'm just thinking outloud here, if you have a problem with it, just don't post here.
On another note, I'm not sure what options I have to move on from here or make a little money.. Can't find a job and I'm trying to get back into a community college, but that will only work if I can get the Pell grant.. If not, I have no plan and that kinda scares me. I have about 3 items left to sell before all I have to sell is my car and where I live I need a car to get to town and anywhere else.
I think I might use this thread to think outloud, help clear my mind and organise my thoughts a bit.. Might be helpful?