Feeling way, way down today..

NP88

Well-known member
Sorry you had such a rough childhood. Mine was decent, a little bit of both good and bad, though I couldn't cosole you in that sense as I don't fully understand what a kid who's had a really hard life actually goes through. However, life is all about perspective. Your upset because you don't measure up to someone who's had a similar life experience as you. Though you could take from this story that no matter how hard life has been there is always that potential within everyone to succeed and become happy.
 

Roman Legion

Well-known member
I know, but it's nigh impossible to change those feelings, especially when they are so intense and overwhelming.. It comes from the worst time in my life, I read that she only sometimes had electricity.. Our wiring was exposed and we never had electricity. I remember when a family member died, our family had to get ahold of us via the police. I don't wish to belittle her experience as I know how horrible it is, but it makes me think I have nowhere to go from here but down.. Every time I try to get ahead, I end up farther back than I began and in a far worse position than when I started. You can only crash and burn so many times before you are unable to feel you can take more of it. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here or not.
 
I know, but it's nigh impossible to change those feelings, especially when they are so intense and overwhelming.. It comes from the worst time in my life, I read that she only sometimes had electricity.. Our wiring was exposed and we never had electricity. I remember when a family member died, our family had to get ahold of us via the police. I don't wish to belittle her experience as I know how horrible it is, but it makes me think I have nowhere to go from here but down.. Every time I try to get ahead, I end up farther back than I began and in a far worse position than when I started. You can only crash and burn so many times before you are unable to feel you can take more of it. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here or not.

Just an idea: Lower your expectations of life .. then the only way is UP (??)
Also, you have your music/guitar; keep a hold of that, as music can be an essential "way out" from the reality of your problems (i've always used music primarily for escape & healing (listening to, along with the grog), and now i am re-learning the acoustic guitar, and thinking about learning electric)
 
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Roman Legion

Well-known member
Just an idea: Lower your expectations of life .. then the only way is UP (??)
Also, you have your music/guitar; keep a hold of that, as music can be an essential "way out" from the reality of your problems (i've always used music primarily for escape & healing (listening to, along with the grog), and now i am re-learning the acoustic guitar, and thinking about learning electric)

I don't think my expectations of life can get any lower.. I don't know how to play, I learn bits and pieces of songs by ear.. Thats about all I can do..
 

Roman Legion

Well-known member
I talked to my counselor online about this in today's session, I'm not sure she fully understands the impact this had on my life and I'm not sure anyone else really understands or could understand it. I can't seem to repress these memories as I have been able to do before, I can't stop thinking about them..
 

Roman Legion

Well-known member
Do they have government assistance with money/food where you are?

I couldn't even get unemployment and due to bad experience with asking the government for help, I'd think I would rather not go that path.. I'm not worried about that, just can't stop thinking about things long past, that until that article, I really didn't think of or think of in detail..
 

Eristelle

Well-known member
Now I feel horrible. I kind of understand how that'd get you down. Sometimes I wish I could have worked harder in school instead of dropping out and have a bright future. Some people with crappy childhoods either crash and burn, or get into Harvard. Sigh.
 

Roman Legion

Well-known member
She asked me how drill went, to be honest, I didn't go.. Nobody outside this website has any idea what it feels like to be paralyzed from anxiety. I have been doing a lot of thinking (More than I usually do) and have been weighing my life good and bad things for a reason to stick around, in case something goes right for a change as everyone here seems to think it will; I am close to rock bottom, but not there yet, so I believe I'm going to persevere despite this most recent trip down memory lane, which has been and will again be a significant set-back..

The good:
Music
Books

(Very short list, there are just so few things I really care about.)

The bad:
Military life insurance values my death at a tidy sum, family would benefit from it. (More value dead than alive)

I finally wouldn't have to feel or care about anything ever again.

Would never need to worry about employment or going into severe debt to gain a piece of paper that shows I am finally 'qualified' for a career.

Hard to imagine everything fading to nothingness and missing out on music.

Never having to worry about going homeless ever again..

Never have to worry about selling what little I own to keep money in my bank. (I sold some things for some cash, but I had to cash the cheque to avoid all that money going to my negative bank balance.)



I know people are judgemental on this site and think I'm just trying to stir drama and I don't care.. I'm just thinking outloud here, if you have a problem with it, just don't post here.


On another note, I'm not sure what options I have to move on from here or make a little money.. Can't find a job and I'm trying to get back into a community college, but that will only work if I can get the Pell grant.. If not, I have no plan and that kinda scares me. I have about 3 items left to sell before all I have to sell is my car and where I live I need a car to get to town and anywhere else.


I think I might use this thread to think outloud, help clear my mind and organise my thoughts a bit.. Might be helpful?
 

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
People are going to judge you no matter what. Those who judge you negatively aren't worth your time. Might as well be yourself, do whatever you want to do, and let the bad seeds fall through the cracks.
 
I talked to my counselor online about this in today's session, I'm not sure she fully understands the impact this had on my life and I'm not sure anyone else really understands or could understand it. I can't seem to repress these memories as I have been able to do before, I can't stop thinking about them..
Well i can fully understand how "the sh*t can hit the fan", as that happened to me soon after all my schooling had finished. I felt "lost", and the "reality" of my life suddenly hit me like a thunderbolt. After that, and for the rest of my 20s, i spent trying to for the first time ever, confronting all my "demons" which i had previously basically just blocked from my mind. Although for me there wasn't any specific trigger, except maybe a lack of direction/purpose.
 
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