Old 03-28-2018
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Hi everyone, it’s been years since I’ve posted regularly on this website. Tonight I need all of your help in convincing me that my life is worth while. I have a close friend of two years who i did many things with including taking trips to New York City. She’s a single mother and a very wonderful person. I grew very close to her during those two years. But I always knew In the back of my mind that she wpuld eventually find someone because she’s really pretty and she has a great personality. Well two weeks ago my worst nightmare happened and a person who I work with asked her out and she accepted. When she told me that she was going out on a date she seemed really enthusiastic and really into this person. It was my worst nightmare come true. So I decided to take a risk and tell her my feelings for her. Because I felt I had nothing to lose. She was headed toward being in a relationship with this person. And I wanted Her to know my feelings for her before it was too late. When I told her how I felt about her she seemed disappointed and upset. She told me that we can No longer be friends. I see her at work almost every day. I also see her new boyfriend at work almost every day as well. It makes it very difficult to get over her. I have been single for mostly 17 years. I’m not particularly attractive, I’m short balding and my teeth are pretty bad. I don’t have any confidence with women at all. I feel like there’s no hope for me to find anybody in my life. I feel like I’m destined to be alone forever. I know that is a pretty common complaint online. Professionally I am in a dead-end job. I am a lawyer but my job is pretty crappy. Lawyers don’t all make a lot of money.It’s pretty stressful as well. I see my future is work related stress and nothing to look forward too. Ever since this happened I have come very close to thinking about killing myself. I don’t think I would actually go through with it. Because I’m kind of a chicken. And I don’t want to cause pain to my parents. If there was a painless way to simply not exist, I would do that. I just feel hopeless and my life is going nowhere.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lawyerguy View Post
Hi everyone, itís been years since Iíve posted regularly on this website. Tonight I need all of your help in convincing me that my life is worth while. I have a close friend of two years who i did many things with including taking trips to New York City. Sheís a single mother and a very wonderful person. I grew very close to her during those two years. But I always knew In the back of my mind that she wpuld eventually find someone because sheís really pretty and she has a great personality. Well two weeks ago my worst nightmare happened and a person who I work with asked her out and she accepted. When she told me that she was going out on a date she seemed really enthusiastic and really into this person. It was my worst nightmare come true. So I decided to take a risk and tell her my feelings for her. Because I felt I had nothing to lose. She was headed toward being in a relationship with this person. And I wanted Her to know my feelings for her before it was too late. When I told her how I felt about her she seemed disappointed and upset. She told me that we can No longer be friends. I see her at work almost every day. I also see her new boyfriend at work almost every day as well. It makes it very difficult to get over her. I have been single for mostly 17 years. Iím not particularly attractive, Iím short balding and my teeth are pretty bad. I donít have any confidence with women at all. I feel like thereís no hope for me to find anybody in my life. I feel like Iím destined to be alone forever. I know that is a pretty common complaint online. Professionally I am in a dead-end job. I am a lawyer but my job is pretty crappy. Lawyers donít all make a lot of money.Itís pretty stressful as well. I see my future is work related stress and nothing to look forward too. Ever since this happened I have come very close to thinking about killing myself. I donít think I would actually go through with it. Because Iím kind of a chicken. And I donít want to cause pain to my parents. If there was a painless way to simply not exist, I would do that. I just feel hopeless and my life is going nowhere.
Yes, unrequited love is excruciating to live with. Especially when it is being rubbed in your face almost daily with this lady and her boyfriend being at your place of work.

The only advice I can think of is distraction, distraction, and even some more distraction.
Can you think of a new hobby or interest or sport you could take up?

Something new to;
a) Give you some pleasure.
b) Totally immerse yourself in when you are not working.
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Old 03-29-2018
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I think she would be very upset if she read your post. You said someone asking her out (and her accepting) is your worst nightmare. But if she was your close friend, wouldn't her happiness make you happy?

I think what you need to do right now is to give her some space, and eventually reach out to her and apologize for anything that might have hurt her feelings. Tell her you want her to know that although your feelings remain the same, you would be happy if you two could at least remain friends. The cooler you seem about it, and the cooler you seem to be when interacting with the guy she's going out with, the better you'll look in her eyes.

At the same time, work on new friendships. Hang out with other people from work (maybe those who seem the most solitary), have lunch with them, etc.

Imagine being in a relationship with your only friend. Anytime she did anything with other people, you'd probably be upset that she wasn't hanging out with you.
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Old 03-29-2018
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lawyerguy View Post
Hi everyone, itís been years since Iíve posted regularly on this website. Tonight I need all of your help in convincing me that my life is worth while. I have a close friend of two years who i did many things with including taking trips to New York City. Sheís a single mother and a very wonderful person. I grew very close to her during those two years. But I always knew In the back of my mind that she wpuld eventually find someone because sheís really pretty and she has a great personality. Well two weeks ago my worst nightmare happened and a person who I work with asked her out and she accepted. When she told me that she was going out on a date she seemed really enthusiastic and really into this person. It was my worst nightmare come true. So I decided to take a risk and tell her my feelings for her. Because I felt I had nothing to lose. She was headed toward being in a relationship with this person. And I wanted Her to know my feelings for her before it was too late. When I told her how I felt about her she seemed disappointed and upset. She told me that we can No longer be friends. I see her at work almost every day. I also see her new boyfriend at work almost every day as well. It makes it very difficult to get over her. I have been single for mostly 17 years. Iím not particularly attractive, Iím short balding and my teeth are pretty bad. I donít have any confidence with women at all. I feel like thereís no hope for me to find anybody in my life. I feel like Iím destined to be alone forever. I know that is a pretty common complaint online. Professionally I am in a dead-end job. I am a lawyer but my job is pretty crappy. Lawyers donít all make a lot of money.Itís pretty stressful as well. I see my future is work related stress and nothing to look forward too. Ever since this happened I have come very close to thinking about killing myself. I donít think I would actually go through with it. Because Iím kind of a chicken. And I donít want to cause pain to my parents. If there was a painless way to simply not exist, I would do that. I just feel hopeless and my life is going nowhere.
Thanks for posting, it's not always easy when you're hurting. I'll try to keep mine short.

I'd advise to look inwards at the causes of you being unhappy. The only real thing you can do is to change things that are in your control, change things that you think might make things better in your life.

Staying in the same routine can definitely bring about unhappiness for me. Step outside your comfort zone, you'll get to know yourself a lot better. Whether that be changing jobs, your employer, take leave and go on a journey, it's surprising what you can find when you're not in the usual routine.
Get professional help. Don't be ashamed.

At the end of the day we all have this one life to live. I believe you owe it to yourself to at least try to find some happiness and contentment. Do what you can to achieve this. Leave no stone unturned.

Good luck.
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There's no way I could endure all the cavorting.

Maybe it's time for a fresh start.
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Hey lawyerguy . Im sorry you feel this way.

It sounds like your putting this woman on a pedestal though. When you should be putting yourself on a pedestal instead. Or doing things to get to that.

The thing is you dont need this woman to feel good about yourself, to feel loved, you dont need her to fill a gap. You can fill that gap yourself. In fact, relationships dont work out most of the time because people get into them because of needing something from the other person that they feel they lack and themselves selves which is usually some parts of their self-esteem.

Yes you may love her and she is a great friend. Maybe she is still in your future. But if she has reduced you to feeling like this than its more that you are projecting your low feelings about yourself onto her reaction of you.

You probably have so many good things about yourself that you dont see because you concentrate on the negative. And the things you dont like, Im sure there are things you can do to really start to like yourself again. Nothing is ever cement. Things change all the time.
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Dealing with rejection
So you have been rejected by someone, some people or even by the whole world. I know it feels bad and that you are eagerly scanning yourself for any flaws that can justify this rejection.

Some people even go further and label themselves with labels such as a "loser" or "failure" and then end up depressed.

The shocking truth!!
The shocking truth is that the main reason behind experiencing those negative feelings you experienced after being rejected is believing that your worth or value is determined solely by the opinion of others.

When we were children our culture and our parents taught us that people will like us if we became nice. They taught us that being a good boy and a good girl will let people love us.

We've grown up believing that we are only worthy if people like us and care for us While if people dislike us then we are worthless.

We learned to measure our self worth based on the acceptance of others and thus we gave them the keys to our mood.

Depression and rejection
Depression is sometimes associated with rejection. The main reason some people become depressed after being rejected is that they don't take actions to neutralize the effect of this rejection.

In my book, The ultimate guide to getting over depression i explained how ignoring your problems and allowing them to accumulate can be the primary source for depression. Some people face problems as soon as they encounter them while others bury them deeply in their subconscious minds or throw them behind their backs. When they do so their subconscious minds usually responds back with depression.

Lets suppose you applied for a job then got rejected. If you didn't respond by applying for another job or by trying to improve your skills immediately then you might get depressed.

Possible reasons behind rejection
The human mind can hardly rest before finding a reasonable or logical explanation for the situations it faces.

If you provided other reasons for the rejection to your mind other than being worthless then you won't feel bad at all after the rejection. That's why i will provide you with some of these reasons so that you can use them to calm your mind down after facing rejections.

People could hate/reject you because:

They are jealous of you, of your achievements, your looks, or of anything else
They are currently interested in someone else (if the rejection was in a relationship). This rejection doesn't mean that you are bad see the Psychology of falling in love section to know why such rejection shouldn't affect you)
They might be afraid of you. They might be afraid you'd take their job, their wife or whatever
Maybe you ignored them before unintentionally and they are paying back.
Maybe you hurt them without noticing and they were emotionally sensitive.
Maybe you have interests that conflict with their own interests.
Maybe you look like someone they don't like. (See how our pasts affects the people we deal with)
Even in job interviews these reasons can be applicable, after all, the interviewer is not from Mars but he is human and he experiences the same emotions of hatred and jealousy that humans experience
So as you can see people may hate you or reject you for different reasons that aren't by any means related to your worth. If you want to deal with rejection and get over it then it's time to know that your self-worth is not measured by the opinion of others.

Even if the whole world rejected you still you are worthy. Don't change yourself to please others else you will lose your self confidence. (see The story of a lion)

You won't be able to deal with rejection before you document your strengths and weaknesses. You must know yourself well or you'll end up allowing people to tell you who you are.

you must know what you can really do instead of letting people tell you false facts about yourself. This can result in creating false beliefs that will only limit your potential.

Go now and document you strengthens and weaknesses so that you prevent others from telling you who you are.
Attraction and psychology
Each person has a certain way of assessing the attractiveness of others. This way is usually developed as a result of the experiences a person goes through in his life.

If a person was raised without being cared for that much then there is a big possibility that he will be more attracted to kind and nurturing people.

Once you understand the need this person have you can act in a way that makes you appear much more attractive to him.

https://www.2knowmyself.com/rejection/Being_rejected
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Last edited by grapevine; 03-29-2018 at 02:02 PM.
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What is it like to not exist? It to me doesn't to me seem like something we can really know. I only say that because I think it might not be that you don't want to exist, but that you don't want to exist as things currently are.

I know whenever I get bogged down by how challenging life seems currently, when my mind wandering into not wanting to live it anymore, I remind myself the number of things that I could do are seemingly endless.

I hear your situation - losing a friend and potential lover and constantly being reminded of it every moment of a job you aren't particularly happy with - and can completely understand why you don't want to be in such a situation anymore. So my first thought would be, is there anything keeping you there? Is there any reason you can't, say, drop everything, pack a bag, and just drive until you get somewhere else.

I always use that as an example, because when I get overwhelmed that's what I want to do, it's what I think about doing. And if it really came to it, I know my family and friends would rather me do that than end my life. By saying that though, I just mean life has a lot of options outside the small list we often give ourselves within our little world. But if you're at a point where you have nothing to lose, why not blow up your little section of the world and explore a new one?

Obviously you don't have to go that extreme either, perhaps just finding another firm to work at would be enough. A new hobby to give your life something positive.

My whole point is that you always have options in this life, don't ever feel like your only one is to end it. Some people decide it's the best option, I have felt that way in the past, but it is only one of many.
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About 13 years ago I hit my lowest point, didn't think I was going to survive the year that I realised how much I wanted to live.

I disvovered lots of reasons to exist - running, photography, sunrises, sunsets, wildflowers, writing, cockatoos, pets.

My thoughts turned outwards on dreams and I achieved many - running marathons, creating a photo website, raising money for charity, writing stories.

I enjoy life very much, my last experience of unrequited love was 17 years ago. And my life has been focussed on other areas for many years now.
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