Feeling envy towards a best friend- Need an advice

I have this best friend whom I love since we shared a great part of our childhood together. We met in school in 6th grade and since there we've been inseparable. We went through a lot of thing together in school, we were bullied by those in our classroom and students in other grades every single day because we were overweight(in my case they used to make fun of me also because of i'm black). We also used to cut our arms because of those painful events among other stuff. Her family adores me and so does my family with her. Almost a year ago she told me that she was planning on having bariatric surgery and that she was thinking about it very seriously. As a friend, I told her do whatever makes you happy because at the time she was in a relationship where she used to cry every single day. I didn't like what I saw, she was a whole different person from what she used to be. I thought the surgery would help her to motivate her to move on and have a better autoesteem. But something in my head was telling me, "don't give her that advice, don't do it".
I've never been the envious type so I ignore those thoughts and I support her through the whole process at the beginning. Her entire family was against this surgery because of the risks that it involved but I told her that, if that was what she wanted she had my support despite her family dissaproval. But something in my head shifted because I felt that she was sort of leaving me behind. After she had that surgery 6 months ago,I got a little bit distant and more and more involved in my school work so I could drown those awful thoughts.

Eventually, she met another guy that she presented to me at a birthday party. Time went by and we didn't talk that much like we used to but it turns out that the guy she was going out with, was hell for her because he made her go through a lot of things including, beating her and oblige her to use drugs!!! I felt so guilty when her family contact me and told me everything that was happening.They told me that her other friends also got distant from her. In a way, I felt like she went through all of this because of me getting away because I was the one that used to keep her grounded, I was sort of like a voice of reason. I didn't mean to abandoned her like that but I was feeling envious of the new life that she would began and I didn't want to hurt her with these feeling of mine and I didn't want to feel the pain of comparing myself to her.
Thanks to God that guy is a blast from the past now, but I'm more distant that ever because I feel so inferior to her because she looks better now and I'm all miserable because I'm still the same and not changing, not moving forward. I don't want to feel threatened by her and the worst part of it all is that she's starting to notice that something has changed between us. All I say is that I'm very busy with school work and can't visit her to her house. We still talk but only by the phone and I do miss her. I feel like an awful human being because I used to criticize those who felt envy toward others and now I'm in that position. Is not a nice feeling and definitely is not something that I want to feel for someone who is very important for me. I need an advice on wether or not I should talk to my therapist about this but he has such a nice vision of who I am. Also I was thinking to tell my friend the truth but I don't know about that one. She'll think i'm a horrible person but I'm not. I really need to cope with this feelings somehow because I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts because I feel awful. What do you guys think I should do?

TwelveKeyz said:

envy is by far the most painful emotion to deal with. try to repress it. it will destroy you over time.

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^ This is true.
If you don't learn to manage/stop the thoughts, it will eat away at you like acid.
Distraction is a good. Find a powerful way to distract your mind.

That's what I've been trying to do, get distracted but still I feel like I should talk to my therapist about it but not so sure though :-/

Dark angel said:

That's what I've been trying to do, get distracted but still I feel like I should talk to my therapist about it but not so sure though :-/

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I think it's a good idea to talk about it to with your therapist. If they are good at their job, they can help you to see things from a different perspective.

You guys must have a very deep connection having gone through such a tough childhood together. It's been said a million times but it's still true- kids can be so cruel.

The biggest sin though, is not your envy, but the fact that you are in such a bad place as to have these thoughts in the first place. Your self-esteem is low and you can't raise it, only fantasies about bringing other people down to your level. This is not uncommon.

Remember; It is not your fault. You are not a bad person (you feel guilt). The envious /suicidal thoughts will float away easier than you think- as soon as you start living right and feeling better about yourself. One day you and your friend will be happy.

Apologies if this is totally off the mark.

Feeling envious towards a friend is completely normal and there is no need to beat yourself up about it. Try and remain logical and realize these feelings aren't necessary. Your a good person and a good friend, clearly, or you wouldn't have been in such a close relationship with this person for so long. You should trust yourself and your instincts, they've gotten you this far. Definitely tell your therapist about it. He/she should be able to give you another perspective and help you see things more clearly. Don't let these irrational thoughts stop you from being with your friend, if that's what you want.

Yeah, I can relate to you, being envious is normal, specially when we're not where we want to be in our life. You're a very good friend and your concern for her shows it. Talking to your therapist is a great idea, hope it helps you. Also try to focus on yourself a bit, try to find what makes you happier and go for it, good luck

I need an advice on wether or not I should talk to my therapist about this but he has such a nice vision of who I am. Also I was thinking to tell my friend the truth but I don't know about that one. She'll think i'm a horrible person but I'm not. I really need to cope with this feelings somehow because I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts because I feel awful. What do you guys think I should do?

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Alright. First, talk to your therapist. That is definitely my number one recommended choice especially when you're starting to feel very depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. You're in a vulnerable place and you need to talk that out with someone who can help you sort that out. Please do NOT isolate yourself, talk to someone ASAP. It's very important that you address this problem you have with your friend so that you can sort out those issues.

Another important thing: TALK TO YOUR FRIEND. Because she's your BEST friend, because you've known her since childhood, you would know her a lot better than most of her friends. And because her family even tells you about what's going on with her life right now, she's still very much a part of your life and I'm sure you're also an important part of her life. I'm sure she'll be able to understand that you feel that way about her because she has changed for the better. People change in order to grow and be happy. Not allowing yourself to open up about the things that are deeply troubling you will only become worse. I strongly suggest that you talk it out and let go of those envious feelings (I know it's easier said than done, which is why I suggested going to the therapist) and realise that it's better to tell her exactly what you feel. "The truth will set you free." Good luck.

Dark angel said:

Eventually, she met another guy that she presented to me at a birthday party. Time went by and we didn't talk that much like we used to but it turns out that the guy she was going out with, was hell for her because he made her go through a lot of things including, beating her and oblige her to use drugs!!!

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That's really awful. Really, really awful.

Dark angel said:

I felt like she went through all of this because of me getting away because I was the one that used to keep her grounded, I was sort of like a voice of reason. I didn't mean to abandoned her like that but I was feeling envious of the new life that she would began and I didn't want to hurt her with these feeling of mine and I didn't want to feel the pain of comparing myself to her.

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Sounds like you're blaming yourself for something that was completely out of your control. You shouldn't because it's absolutely not your fault!

she1slander said:

Alright. First, talk to your therapist. That is definitely my number one recommended choice especially when you're starting to feel very depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. You're in a vulnerable place and you need to talk that out with someone who can help you sort that out. Please do NOT isolate yourself, talk to someone ASAP. It's very important that you address this problem you have with your friend so that you can sort out those issues.

Another important thing: TALK TO YOUR FRIEND. Because she's your BEST friend, because you've known her since childhood, you would know her a lot better than most of her friends. And because her family even tells you about what's going on with her life right now, she's still very much a part of your life and I'm sure you're also an important part of her life. I'm sure she'll be able to understand that you feel that way about her because she has changed for the better. People change in order to grow and be happy. Not allowing yourself to open up about the things that are deeply troubling you will only become worse. I strongly suggest that you talk it out and let go of those envious feelings (I know it's easier said than done, which is why I suggested going to the therapist) and realise that it's better to tell her exactly what you feel. "The truth will set you free." Good luck.

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This this this. Very good advice.

Dark angel said:

. I need an advice on wether or not I should talk to my therapist about this but he has such a nice vision of who I am. Also I was thinking to tell my friend the truth but I don't know about that one. She'll think i'm a horrible person but I'm not. I really need to cope with this feelings somehow because I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts because I feel awful. What do you guys think I should do?

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I can't see the value in not showing your true self to a therapist. I would consider it a waste of money. Just my HO.

Sorry just want to add my support to what other posters said re "don't beat yourself up"
I have been as guilty as anyone of "envy". It's just a sign of low self-esteem, low self-worth. If you can build that up, you're half way there.

I would envy my friend's:
guitar playing ability
sense of humour
luck with women
multi sports talent
popularity overall
nicer guy than me too.(ouch)

That's how i felt towards one of my best friends because she got an amazing job and i have a low paying one.... Just be there for her. It could be a source of motivation, because now i'm trying harder to get a better job but it made me realize my job is boring and you shouldn't settle. Just remember she's your friend which means to be loyal for life.

doubtmyself said:

It's just a sign of low self-esteem, low self-worth.
I would envy my friend's:
guitar playing ability <-- they say it takes lots of practice but honestly, I think it all depends on the person's determination to become an excellent guitar player. Which I don't believe I'll ever be. Oh well, I can dream!
sense of humour <--this is attainable! beit sarcastic, slapstick, stupid, witty or corny... try all combinations and you could just be the next...
luck with women <--confidence, nice appearance, sense of humor, and maybe a red sportscar... that'll do it!
multi sports talent <--fake it until you break it. *cough* I mean, MAKE it lol

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Yep. Envy grows to be very fatal. It's like having a malignant tumor or something (which I've never had thank goodness)

Red ink!! I feel like my 6th Grade teacher has checked my homework!!