feel suicidal when out

i have been off work 21 years and cannot go out as when i do i feel funny inside and suicidal i threw myself under a car and was sectioned anybody know what the feeling is and whats happening to me

I would guess it is disocciation. Do you feel you are outside of your own body? Able to do things that when you feel safe could be perceived as dangerous?

Peace xxx

i don't know if this is similar to what you're going thru, but there have been times where i've been out and i'd kind of get lost in myself and almost be unconscious of my actions and surroundings. like one time, me and my bf were bickering while we were walking somewhere and i had no idea how to get to where we were going so while i'm busy feeling like shit trying not to start balling on the sidewalk and just not aware of my surroundings at all, i would just keep walking! my bf was yelling to me constantly and i swear i never heard him. i was walking on and on and i wasn't the one walking... does that make sense?? it truly felt like i wasn't in my own body and i was just watching myself walk around. i was completely out of control in that instance until i finally came back and finally heard him yelling to me. my therapist said it did sound like i had a dissociative episode.

anyhow, i also feel really bad when i'm out, even if i'm in a place i'm comfortable and enjoy (like my fave store or a movie). i can only be out for so long before i start freaking out and wanting to rush home, regardless of where i am. and then the second i walk thru the door it just takes like 10 or so mins before i feel calm and ok again. and yes, i also am very careless and do dangerous things when i'm out. i walk into traffic all the time, that's probably the most frequent one.

I hate going out. Makes me feel like a freshly used garbage disposal. Especially while in class. I see all these people who I wanna get to know. But then I remember why it is that I don't trust anyone, and I get too busy finding different characteristics that would irritate me about them.

It's a bit like from trigonometry. Each person around me is like a vertical asymptote. Approach and approach, but never quite reach it.

Is this a cause of hysteria? Is the world trying to make me crazy? Is this the kind of atmosphere you find in a war zone?

Well I've always drawn pictures in class. Always have since the beginning.
These days in my speech class, I only find myself drawing funky violent images of the girls in my class in strange scenes.

(first one I drew was of these girls coming out of their graves, walking around like zombies, and then retreating into their graves as an alligator sat and watched not doing anything)

It makes for good art, but I have to wade around in hell to get it.