Facing fears, and it's personal effectiveness

nedkelly

nedkelly

Well-known member
Hi everyone. Just wondering.How many of us out there with S/A. keep facing there demons, and never, ever, get over there shyness. I make myslef go out into public in some situations, time after time, but i never get over my shyness. I rarely seem to improve. I tell myself, as others have...that i just have to accept that i get nervous around others etc...,and that it is in my nature. I do believe this to an extent, but still cannot except it!, in many ways.
My mind tells me, so what if you muck up etc etc, but all of us S/A/Shyness sufferers have a yard stick on what has/or has not been a succsessful outcome in a particular situation. And there lies the problem, our measuring of ones self's performance is out of kilter with the norm. Of course many people worry about what people think of them...and i dislike when people say..well' we all go through that. Well we do, but us S/A,Shy people take it to the extreme.
And also there is that lingering thought..(if only i would stop worrying and be myself..then things will work out better). This sometimes works, but it is HARD, to be yourself in public.And you just end up forcing yoursef, to be yourself. And that is very draining.
But knowing that people are more excepting of you if you are having a comfortable moment, just makes it all worse for the next time. Because then you feel it is up to you to be you!, and thus have people like you.
Sorry to be so confusing people, i hope it made some sense.
I will never give up putting myself in uncomfortable situations though, but it's hard to fight all the time. I want to be normal!
Just sharing some of my inner demons.
Ash(nedkelly)
 
cody2468

cody2468

Well-known member
People with sa seem to be very hard on themselves, more so than normal. I am very shy and introverted and have problems in social situations. I am slowly learning how to make small talk (I thank my job for this) but as I have been very reserved for a long time now it is very hard. Some people mistake my shyness for being snobbish and think that I am very stuck up and think that I'm up myself and I'm not, must just come across like that
 
nedkelly

nedkelly

Well-known member
Sorry about the double thread people. I know how you feel cody.
It really hurts when people mistaken shyness for being snobby.
Knowing this really gets to me. I guess when i am not smiling, and not looking/speaking to others when they are near..such as neighbours in my case etc.,they must take it as they think, you think you are better then them.I think this is a real downside to sa/shyness.If you are smiling, and say a few words, but look shy,people sometimes see that you are just that.
But then there is the BAD SHY, as i refer to it, (when we don't smile..and speak), and people take it the wrong way.
Do others ee it this way?
 
Tim001

Tim001

Well-known member
Then there is the other end of the scale: people who are themselves in public, but are so obnoxious and loud that they are disliked by everyone anyway (except they don’t care). I just want to be somewhere in the middle. :)
 
nedkelly

nedkelly

Well-known member
That's the aim worrywort, would love the day, i don't worry so much what people think of me. Would be heaven on earth.
 
Swindlered

Swindlered

New member
nedkelly said:
Hi everyone. Just wondering.How many of us out there with S/A. keep facing there demons, and never, ever, get over there shyness. I make myslef go out into public in some situations, time after time, but i never get over my shyness. I rarely seem to improve. I tell myself, as others have...that i just have to accept that i get nervous around others etc...,and that it is in my nature. I do believe this to an extent, but still cannot except it!, in many ways.
My mind tells me, so what if you muck up etc etc, but all of us S/A/Shyness sufferers have a yard stick on what has/or has not been a succsessful outcome in a particular situation. And there lies the problem, our measuring of ones self's performance is out of kilter with the norm. Of course many people worry about what people think of them...and i dislike when people say..well' we all go through that. Well we do, but us S/A,Shy people take it to the extreme.
And also there is that lingering thought..(if only i would stop worrying and be myself..then things will work out better). This sometimes works, but it is HARD, to be yourself in public.And you just end up forcing yoursef, to be yourself. And that is very draining.
But knowing that people are more excepting of you if you are having a comfortable moment, just makes it all worse for the next time. Because then you feel it is up to you to be you!, and thus have people like you.
Sorry to be so confusing people, i hope it made some sense.
I will never give up putting myself in uncomfortable situations though, but it's hard to fight all the time. I want to be normal!
Just sharing some of my inner demons.
Ash(nedkelly)
Click to expand...

I suffer from something similar to you but mostly only with girls. Keep having panic attacks when I have to call one which makes being myself hard.
Like you though I would rather make the call than not, trouble is there is no way to avoid the pain. If you don't do something you feel low as you have failed and this knocks your self-esteem. If you do do something - even though it is the right thing and brave - it goes wrong and you feel sad as you have not come across as who you are.
Cheesy I know but the only way to beat this is to keep on trying. I am going to keep banging my head against the wall until one day it falls down.
 
Ownworstenemy

Ownworstenemy

New member
I have often been accused of being a snob too, even though I'm really just soooo shy. It's made worse by the fact that I'm pretty well-spoken and the more tense I am, the more well-spoken I seem to get! :) It's almost like I'm trying to hide my real self behind this prim and proper facade. :? Anyway, glad I found this website and forum. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who suffers from this. Feel like I already have more confidence to do my voluntary work at the refugee centre tomorrow now. Went once before and got pretty scared and was awkward. I find cross-cultural situations less demanding though, as any awkwardness can be passed off as a language/cultural barrier and it takes pressure off me :oops:
 
Anonymous

Anonymous

Well-known member
I need your support guys.. I'm feeling horrible. OK heres the story. Last night me and a 2 other mates went out clubbing. After a few cocktails and a vodka I managed to loosen up.. eventually ended meeting this girl, and actually talking to her and stuff (danced with her for a while before this, then talked to her outside). We got along ok (for an SP), she seemed interested, which was a first since I've never had a gf, or been in any intimate relationship, nor have I been physically close to anyone before (touching, contact etc). And I wasn't drunk from all those drinks for some real wierd reason probly cause i ate before, just nice and loose. Anyway, after some long hard thinking to myself on the dance floor I cornered the thought "go for it, you always miss this chance, and after you are sorry"... and somehow I did it, danced with her, even close dancing.. holding her. Then after we cuddled a bit cause she was tired. - Nevertheless I was real alienated the whole time :? It felt nice but... it was new. Anyway, so I got her number. And now comes the hard part, the after event "rationalizing" it's driving me nuts. I feel horrible, and I don't think I can call her cause I'll be all quiet and stuff. Anyone been in this situation? And im at work without any sleep too.. lol... cant wait to go home
 
Anonymous

Anonymous

Well-known member
And just to add, so SPers know, the intimacy was real nice.. relaxing.. just mentally felt at peace just embracing her. I'm 21, and after all these years without this you start to "harden" on the outside and feelings and stuff. So if you have a chance... go for it... just figure out how to handle the aftermath negative thoughts and stuff lol
 
Anonymous

Anonymous

Well-known member
Wish I could help, dude. It's one of the biggest problems with SA, it just keeps coming back. I have my moments where I suddenly feel much more normal and relaxed (even without any booze) and start to enjoy an evening, but the mood never lasts and the SA can come back at any second and floor you again. It's completely nauseating.
 
Anonymous

Anonymous

Well-known member
Anonymous said:
I don't think I can call her cause I'll be all quiet and stuff. Anyone been in this situation?
Click to expand...

Yes, kind of. i did more than just cuddle and dance, but she was a stranger to me so i didnt met her again. we call by phone sometimes but never met again. I think that was kind of not cool. She could have been my gf or maybe she would be now. who knows.

Call her and if things get weird you can tell her your prob. I just recommend kiss her in the next date without asking her, If she slaps you, wtf. if she doesnt... you are in!
 
Anonymous

Anonymous

Well-known member
Yes go for it,phone her and don't think about it for too long before picking up the phone,as going over what your going to say will only make u more anxious.I went on a date a while back,but because of my SA I was quite distant and my mind was only going over the negative things that could happen.Try to be yourself and don't beat yourself up for not being perfect at this,as it's new to you and you have to learn and remember everyone makes mistakes in relationships.Don't dwell on these small problems,as you will probably blow them out of proportion,if they come stop them as soon as you become aware of them.Just go with the flow and follow your instincts.best of luck. :)
 
Anonymous

Anonymous

Well-known member
PHONE HER! what have u got to lose? you will only regret what you never did, and you just have to take the first step. well done for getting thsi far...good luck you'll be fine just be natural. she obviously liked you so just repeat that in your head when u talk to her xxx
 
StreetWorm

StreetWorm

Member
Anonymous said:
Wish I could help, dude. It's one of the biggest problems with SA, it just keeps coming back. I have my moments where I suddenly feel much more normal and relaxed (even without any booze) and start to enjoy an evening, but the mood never lasts and the SA can come back at any second and floor you again. It's completely nauseating.
Click to expand...

I have the same type of problem. I'll really feel like I'm connecting with someone and feeling comfortable with them and then I start analyzing what I'm doing and where things will go if I do this and what will happen if I say what and the conversation dies. It's just hard to keep from going into this mode as I've been doing it for so long now.

Still, it's better to try and then fail then to not try at all and just regret it forever. I didn't believe that for the longest time but I think I'm starting to come around.
 
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