Does any one else feel this way?

greenghost23

New member
There are many things I am afraid of happening that when I say it out loud, does not sound very probable. However, many of these things only need to happen ONCE to be very dangerous. This is why I worry so much about them.

Example 1) The OCD part of me makes me think that I really have HIV. I think this because I have a problem with acne and constantly have open sores on my face and back. I am constantly popping zits on my body, and having to wipe them with tissue paper and paper towels. There have been many cases when I have used public toilet paper and paper towels in order to do this, which makes me think it is a strong possibility that I have contracted HIV.

I am so meticulous with my process of popping zits now, which in a way does not make sense to me because if I did indeed get HIV already then the next situation of me popping zits does not matter. However, interestingly enough, I feel like the next situation in which I am popping zits is the critical and most important time my OCD attacks me. When I am popping my zits, I do not worry about the other 1,000 times I did it in the past. I only worry about it this time, and all the anxiety that my OCD causes me falls on this particular situation.

My OCD has this really interesting nature to it, where it seems to attack me on one particular thing at a time – only ONE. It will eat me to death about one particular anxiety- for example, I have HIV, for say five hours until it shifts to something else to feed on. I really feel like OCD is an animal that attacks me mentally. It is almost like a leach, it attaches to one thing and does not let go. Even when I try to avoid that certain thing, which in this example is having just contracted HIV, it does not let go. Notice reading this that I do at this moment reading this have the OCD feeling within myself that makes me feel I have HIV – because my OCD makes me feel like it is quite logical that I could have contracted it.

One of the biggest types of therapies that therapists for OCD suggest is EXPOSURE THERAPY – attacking the cycle that OCD seems to feed on. For my case, exposure therapy would be recognizing the obsession and NOT acting on the impulse. This produces great anxiety for me. However, exposure therapy for me is not the same as everyone else. A typical exposure therapy example they show online is someone with a door lock:

Obsessive Part) People feel anxiety that they did not lock the door when they really did (I used to have this when I was about ten actually).

Compulsive Part) Go check the doorlock again and make sure it is locked. This causes temporary relief, which will then turn back into a fear that the door is not locked. This starts the Obsessive Part over.

Now, I included this example because the Exposure Therapy for the HIV example I currently have is more complicated. See example:

Obsessive Part) I have HIV

Compulsive Part) Blank

*** The compulsive part is blank here because washing my hands will not do anything to get the HIV away. It’s more like I have HIV. And that’s it. And I feel like that anxiety will never end.

I have this fear when I am popping my zits that somehow someone else’s blood will get inside my open sore and give me HIV. Because I have to pop my zits in a public restroom at school, I feel that one way or the other something can get on my hand or onto my open sore, either directly or indirectly. This causes me to check my hands and fingers very meticulously while I am popping my zits – because I believe that all it takes I one time for someone’s blood to be on my fingers and then touch an open sore of mine to give me HIV (if it didn’t happen already). The problem with this is that there are so many situations I feel where I could touch something and then give myself HIV by touching my open sore. I can solve some things – replacing public toilet paper with my own (which I have), or using my palms to turn the sink on and off which I do. But this only causes me to think up new situations in which I could have slipped up and obtained HIV some how. It is never-ending and me solving one situation only brings up many other new ones.

Does any one else feel this way?
 

Barry1979

Well-known member
I know what you mean. HIV was one of my longest lasting obsessions. I was so bad that if i had the tiniest of scratches on me I would put a bandaid on them....would be afraid there would be random HIV tainted blood on tables or elsewhere that would somehow find its way into my cut/scratch....many other examples I could go into as well. I even quit playing sports for a long time due to contact and being afraid of getting injured and getting someone elses blood on me. Public restrooms were horrifying to me.....man I could go on and on about this one. You name any sort of thought HIV related thought Ive had it...would even worry about being in close quaters with people and obsessing about the fact that some of them could be injection drug users and how easy it would be for me as I was walking past them in crowded places to get poked with one of their drugg infected needles, I would even often check myself for needle marks after coming into contact with people at nightclubs and stuff like that. I was completely out of touch with reality and certain points.
 
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Zak

Active member
Not popping zits... but I can relate to the obsessions that do not have a compulsive counterpart. For example, I obsess that I am not breathing in my sleep correctly (when clearly I am). There is no type of compulsion that accompanies this obsession, so I guess the "exposure therapy" would be to replace that activity with something pleasant/productive. If acquiring HIV through popping your zits is your obsession maybe the "exposure therapy" for you is to consciously think of a different thing while the obsession starts to creep up. (I know, I know MUCH easier said than done lol).

Maybe that helps sort of? I don't know I still obsess about so many things that don't have an accompanying compulsion.
 
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