Do you believe people just see you critically/negatively?

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
I realised that yesterday that I believe everyone other than those I know like me and who I trust, I believe everyone else just looks at me critically and negatively. For instance I believe any woman (unless I friendly and chat to them a lot) I think they all look at me critically, hence me having deep rooted beliefs that no woman could ever be interested in me.
Also people who don't know me all that well, i.e. people in other offices at work who I don't know to chat to but see them about a lot, I think most of those people think negative things of me, like I am odd, ugly, etc.
If I meet a new person I feel they are going to be looking at me critically, like I see I lack confidence and probably critical of how I look.
If I have to do something like public speaking, I feel everyone when looking at me will think critically of me very much for how little confidence I have and think I am odd and probably critical of how I look.
I feel that if I walk past a group of teenage boys or girls that they will look at me critically and shout some abuse at me.
I hate walking past the windows leading into work as I think when people look at me they will be looking at me critically.
Basically I hate being centre of attention because I believe people will always look at me critically.

I never realised I thought like this, that sounds silly I know, but those thoughts only last for as long as I was in a situation. I guess some people are thinking I am paranoid, but its not so much that I am paranoid because I don't feel anyone who knows me could say a bad thing about me, I feel I just have no trust or faith in people because of years of ridicule, constant ridicule, put downs, name calling, laughed at, etc - and I feel that I have got into thinking patterns of believing that people are so horrible, shallow, judgemental, mean, etc. I seem to have this belief of people are guilty until proved innocent - i.e. I believe people are seeing me critically until I realise that they are not and infact that they like me very much as a person. I just am so confident around people I am comfortable around, but am so self conscious around those who don't know me, I just believe they look at me critically.

Like I wrote in another post, if I had to do public speaking in front of 30 plastic dummies I would be so confident and fine. Yet substitute them with 30 people and I am so self conscious, I almost feel like I am the freak show - people are just going to be so critical of me for things like I don't look good, that they will think I am weird for lacking in confidence, I am a nobody.

I wrote down a list of different individual people and groups (new people, women my age) and wrote down what I believe they think of me. And it was all so incredibly negative.

I think this is what I need to overcome in order to beat my SA/confidence issues. I never used to think this way until years of put downs and name calling in my high school and college years. I used to think that nobody on Earth gets more put downs than me. I truely believe this is why I am so 'shy' or self conscious, so anxious around people, as I feel they will always look at me negatively.

Can anyone relate to that? Maybe you don't think people think you are ugly, maybe you feel people just think you are boring or miserable or whatever?

I feel that if I can change the way I think about how people perceive me and get into a mindset like I do about people I am comfortable around - like friends, family, work colleagues I work closely with, etc - then if I don't believe people think critically of me I should overcome my self consciousness and hopefully that will sort out my SA.

Any thoughts?
 

LittleMissMuffet

Well-known member
Hi Charlie,

I can relate to your experiences. At my previous job, I had the worst anxiety I've ever had; yet it is only toward people I am not "established" with; like an insecurity about being accepted.

For me, though I was teased at school, I think that it is more within my nature to be self-concious and over-sensitive.

One thing that i noticed was that it is harder to be calm when I was in the situation daily and that it just became worse -which is why I was relieved to leave work.

I think your idea of trying to get into the same mindset that you do with people who know you well, is smart. This is similar to you liking your self, in that you know yourself the most and people close to you also know you well. And I think that if you can accept yourself regardless of whether anyone else does, that then there isn't a need for others to accept you and with this goes the fear that they won't accept you.
That is my theory.
I saw on television a technique whereby someone visualises being in a situation (in this case, a feared one) and they bring to this imagined situation the feeling that they normally have in a non-feared situation. ...or you imagine yourself being around people that you don't know well as though you were with those that you do know well. And the important part is the feeling of being secure and content in a feared situation.
And I suppose, if our memory of being comfortable in such a situation is poor, that habits of feeling(and thinking) are harder to break.
 

june

Active member
I know how you feel. I always think if I hear people laugh when I walk by that they're laughing at me, or if someone looks at me on the street that they're thinking something bad. If I talk to someone I always think that they're thinking something like, "wow she just said something stupid," or "I can't believe she wore that and one of her hairs is out of place." It's really bad when it's a cute boy- I can never believe that he thinks well of me but that he really thinks I'm a complete dork.

I know it's stupid because when I talk to someone I don't focus on what's wrong with them, or think that they're stupid or ugly I focus on what they're saying. So lately I've been trying to convince myself that people listen to what I say and then go back to thinking about themselves.

As someone said, "You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do." :D
 
i very much know what you mean. in most situations ive been in before ive been stuck with people who are very critical/pointed out most things ive done as inadequate. it completely screws with your mind, you start to believe you're actually not good enough and start to question yourself all the time. You start to feel anxious all the time and on edge, and as a result you withdraw from taking part in things/trying to do things. i suppose in some cases it might be true and you've just got accept it and make the best of the situation you can, but i believe now most of the time people just do it for the sake of it.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
Yeah can relate to those thoughts.

Littlemissmuffet - its an interesting one about the link with accepting yourself, I was thinking about this over the weekend, but I think any insecurities in me not accepting myself (which I am accepting myself more and more) is because of how others have treat me and pointed out my flaws. If no one had ever pointed out my flaws and ridiculed me constantly for them I wouldn't be self conscious. I think I am insecure about these parts because I believe others see them as negatively. Which is why I believe its necessary to change the way we think people perceive us. Receiving years of ridicule and people telling me how crap I was is what has made me feel like I am not good enough.

I accept myself in the whole, but it doesn't stop me doing so many safety behaviours around people.

For instance I am good on the phone (this maybe because people cannot be critical of how I look or for confidence as I am good at it, or for thinking I'm weird or irrelevant, etc), yet if I have to make a phone call at work and its all quiet I get self conscious, I wait for some noise or someone else on the phone. Why? I clearly feel uncomfortable everyone hearing me because I feel people will be critical and can only think negatively of me.

I was in a meeting then with 6 people and I was ok sitting and listening, but at one point I wanted to ask something but I started getting anxious. I was trying to work out why and it was clearly that I didn't want the attention, because I feel when I am speaking and people are looking at me and listening to me I feel they are going to be looking at me as if they are thinking 'Why don't you shut up you ugly freak'.

I agree June, when people look at me I think people are looking at me negatively. If a woman looks at me I look away or hide my face or whatever because I believe she is looking at me as being ugly and not good enough. Yet some of my confident friends, if a woman looks at them they often say 'Did you see her checking me out'. Two different mindsets - confident person thinks people look positively at him, whereas I think people look negatively.



Keep the faith - I totally agree that it screws you up when you just receive constant put downs, you feel like that is how people perceive you. I mean I had a speech impediment and lots of people laughed at me for it, they ridiculed me when I said my name even. So, why would I have any confidence saying my name when I know people laugh and think bad things of me for saying my name? You really do believe that people are going to see you negatively and that is the mindset I have gotten into. And therefore its no wonder I am self conscious.

Like you kind of mentioned I think we have to accept that people may be critical of us and think bad things of us but to be able to handle it and not be self conscious to it - i.e. learn to be thicker skinned and not care if people think we are something they have trodden in. But at the same time its important to change this mindset that we believe everyone is just critical and looks negatively at us. Because like June mentioned - we don't look negatively at people, well I know I don't, so it seems really extreme to believe others do of me? I just think the self consciousness is what has to be sorted out and that will lead to less anxiety and increased confidence.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
I know this is a long post, but please please read it if you can relate to the title of this topic, I am sure you won't regret it.

After really looking into this last night I believe
this is the root problem of my SA.

Like I mentioned, I was ridiculed and called names on
a daily basis for years at high school and still
received ridicule and put downs at college and a few
times at university. I don't know how many others were
bullied or just always ridiculed, called names, etc as
a teenager, but my example of my speech impediment at
school and people laughing as I spoke and people
repeating how I said words, including my own name made
me so self conscious speaking, not only did the
ridicule make me believe I was like a freak for how I
spoke so I was so self conscious about speaking, but
that I feared speaking because I just knew I would be
laughed at and ridiculed. Therefore all my confidence
in speaking was drained and some traumatic experiences
when being so anxious increased the fear to huge
levels. But all of my insecurities, negative beliefs
and fears were created by other people - and that is
where the key lies - the importance of the flaw has
been created by people (for people to point out the
flaw and make such a big deal about it made me feel it
was a really bad thing), the reason I fear it has been
created by people (being ridiculed, laughed at, made
to feel like a freak) and what it all means is created
by people (people making out I am a freak). And also importantly that when faced with speaking, I believe people are looking at me critically, going to laugh at me for anything I do that is not right. Therefore when faced with speaking, I fear speaking, but its not irrational that I fear speaking given that I suffered so much. But what does need sorting out are these core beliefs - i.e. that people are always looking at me critically when I am speaking, that I will face ridicule and laughter and made to feel like a freak - so speaking is dangerous to me, but I also have to address the importance of speaking - i.e. people have lead me to believe its such a big deal and I have been made to feel like a freak as a result of speaking, this is wrong! But I also need to understand that the way I am with speaking is fine, because all of these beliefs have gone to pot. At the end of the day is it right that I have let all the beliefs develop when 99% of the ridicule was at high school when kids were so immature and would basically ridicule anyone for anything, whether you wore glasses, whatever weight you were, how you spoke, how tall or short you were, if you had ginger hair, if you had spots, if you dressed a certain way, if you had big ears, big nose, etc, etc? It is so wrong to let those people shape your beliefs of something!

But this is not where it stopped for me. I got so much ridicule over my appearance too. I was skinny, people said I had a big nose, people called me ugly, I got put downs, name calling, ridicule, etc. Again - I didn't think there was anything wrong with me until people always called me names at high school. And yet again I lost all my self esteem and confidence because of people. These views were not my own but I was made to believe them because people kept putting me down and pointing out my flaws. Is it any wonder that I felt I was ugly and not good enough and became self conscious of how I looked, self conscious of my weight, of my nose, etc? I mean when people called me names or ridiculed me for my nose, you get this belief that if anyone sees my nose they will think negative things of me and maybe they won't ridicule me as they are not immature, but they can see the flaw and think bad of me.

Is it any wonder that I have been self conscious and feared speaking (around people I don't know or don't know well?) And speaking is doublely hard for me as when you are face to face with someone they judge me critically/negatively for how I look and for my speaking. Is it any wonder yesterday that in a meeting I got so anxious when I wanted to speak because everyone would be looking at me (and I believe when people look at me they are looking at flaws and looking at me critically) and I fear speaking as I feel people look at that critically too and I know with all this self consciousness and anxiety I will struggle to get my words out and therefore I am likely to mess up and I believe people will think terrible things of me.

From this I honestly believe its not about accepting yourself that holds the keys to beating this (although accepting yourself is very important to be comfortable being yourself and having self esteem), but the problems are created because of the importance we have placed on the way we believe people see us (although I admit I can only speak for myself). I definitely believe my beliefs have gone to pot with the way I think people think of me and look at me in different situations. (Maybe you were never ridiculed over your appearance and therefore have no insecurities here, but if you were ridiculed over your personality). Accepting yourself does not change your beliefs about believing others are not going to be critical of you. If you have been ridiculed lots about your personality, you will be afraid to show your personality to people because you believe people look at you very critically for this. You believe people can only see you negatively when you are expressing your personality.

I made a list of 41 completely different situations in which I get so anxious because of my beliefs on how I believe people see me/look at me. A few examples is that for instance when I am in my car at traffic and there are cars adjacent to me, I cover my face with my hand and get self conscious as I feel the people in the car next to me will look at me and laugh at me and think negative things of me. When I am speaking to a girl my age I get self conscious because I believe that when she is looking at me she is looking at me critically in terms of how I look - because that is what I have believed people do to me because of the past ridicule. If I am walking into work one route I have to walk past a stretch of 100 yards of office windows. I get anxious and that is because I believe when people look at me they look for my flaws and ridicule me. If I have to do public speaking I am at the centre of attention and believe people will look at me critically for looks and speaking and think the most terrible things of me.

Therefore the solution has to involve sorting out the beliefs about how I believe people look at me - I believe they always look at me critically. I need to desensitise situations that people are not going to be thinking the terrible things I believe they will and desensitise people - to believe people are not just 100% critical and will only look at me negatively and horribly. I will never accept myself until I change my beliefs about how I believe others see me and see my 'flaws'. Also need to work on becoming thicker skinned and that negative comments need to be non sensitive - i.e. everyone can be ridiculed for something, no one is perfect. If someone thinks negative of us understand that people can think that but that they are pathetic and that with billions of people on earth some people are just horrible, but its one person's opinion, an insensitive shallow person's view. Learn to handle it and accept what that really means - i.e. nothing.

I would love it if someone replied, I am feeling very excited again that I have got to the roots of the problem that need sorting. What do you think?
 

blackcap

Well-known member
charlieHungerford said:
From this I honestly believe its not about accepting yourself that holds the keys to beating this

So does this mean you've changed your mind about what you said in the "SA is overcome by gaining higher opinion of ourselves!" thread? From memory it was confidence in your own abilities that you discovered was the root of your problems.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
blackcap said:
charlieHungerford said:
From this I honestly believe its not about accepting yourself that holds the keys to beating this

So does this mean you've changed your mind about what you said in the "SA is overcome by gaining higher opinion of ourselves!" thread? From memory it was confidence in your own abilities that you discovered was the root of your problems.

Wow I got a reply - yeah!!!

Yes I have changed my beliefs on that blackcap. I am sorry if this sounds like I am contradicting what I previously wrote, but its a lot of trial and error and although I feel I have improved greatly lately by working on accepting myself, you have to accept yourself, but that won't cure SA. I realised that my SA or lack of confidence around people in certain situations remains and I realise that is because of the beliefs I have of how others see me.

How about you, how do you believe people perceive you? I mean take the situations or people you are anxious in/around, what do you believe people are thinking of you in those situations? Do you have a fixed belief that in such situations people will be looking at you critically and have negative beliefs of you? For instance I read a lot of people say they are fine with their confidence until when they have to interact with someone in terms of being friendly/social. i.e. is the reason because the person believes when it comes to their personality that people will always think of them critically/negatively - believe people will think they are boring and do not like them (maybe because of past experience of being told this or because have always found it hard to make friends?).

Any thoughts?
 

blackcap

Well-known member
Bugger. I had just typed out a big long reply and the thing timed out when I tried to post it!!!!

Now I'm grumpy so i'm going to bed! :x
 

Quixote

Well-known member
Re: Do you believe people just see you critically/negatively

charlieHungerford said:
I wrote down a list of different individual people and groups (new people, women my age) and wrote down what I believe they think of me. And it was all so incredibly negative.

I wouldn't do that, there is nothing worse in my opinion than overthinking about these matters. Even though you do it in order to confront and "rationalize" the problem, it might end up reinforcing it. At least this is what I have seen in my personal experience.

In any case, I can relate to a lot of what you say. I have not been teased or called names, not in the past 10 years at least (it did occasiaonally happen as a child, and I know how bad it can be) but other than that, the feeling of being obsreved and evaluated is often there..

charlieHungerford said:
Can anyone relate to that? Maybe you don't think people think you are ugly, maybe you feel people just think you are boring or miserable or whatever?

I feel people think I'm strange. And it's probably what they actually think :)
 

Shonen_Yo

Well-known member
It seems the way I feel about myself is conveyed to the other people around me. If I see myself as confident and respectable, people will start to see me that way too. It's just so hard to do it though.

I feel as people test me sometimes and if I can confront it head-on instead of pretending I'm deaf, I'll retain some dignity: they'll know they can't dominate over me.
 

IceLad

Well-known member
Rationally, I think the vast majority of people take time to form an opinion of you, rather than automatically think negative/ critical thoughts.

The problem with a socially phobic's mind is that a lot of thoughts are irrational, and you often know they are irrational, but you just can't help thinking them.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
Quixote, thanks for replying, am at work bored and wanted to disccuss this more.

Personally I think if I am to overcome my problems with SA/my confidence issues, I need to address these problems rather than leave them untreated and avoid them. But I do hear what you are saying, its not good to be thinking all these negative things again, but I do believe its important to address them. I mean for instance is it right that I have all these horrible experiences of put downs, name calling, being laughed at, etc and living my life believing this is the person I am and that is how people see me, when all this ridicule was done by mainly kids aged 13-16 and some between 16-18? These kids were extremely immature, they would ridicule anyone for anything, did they really say these things because that is how people see me or did they do it to just be nasty, to look tough, to show off to their friends, to make themselves feel better, etc. Kids do say the cruelest things. Is it right to think that is how everyone sees me? I got ridiculed all the time over a speech impediment, I was made to feel like an absolute freak just because I struggled to say certain words. But in reality so what? It doesn't make me any less of a person, doesn't make me ugly, not intelligent, weird, etc, its just a sound. Is it right to carry on being so self conscious of speaking because of what they said? Its just not right to maintain these thoughts and its time to understand a new reality. I have always believed in order to overcome SA I need to think very differently to what I currently do and so I do think its important to address the 'wounds' that have caused all this pain and trouble.
If I can remember these put downs, insults, ridicule now after 15 years, then they are in the back of my mind anyway. You never forget them, just by not trying to think about them, but you can address them and understand them and desensitise the meanin they have.

Is your fear of being observed and evaluated because you have been lead to believe that people just see the worst in you and judge you negatively, because of the past? If you believe people are always going tobe like that then its very very rational to be anxious and self conscious. I can relate to you believing people think you are strange. I don't believe I am strange, but for example the family who live opposite me I think they think I am strange as I have no social life - I don't go out other than shopping and work really and I always think when they see me they think 'here is that weird loner'. But, I never see anyone in the street go out, do I think negative things of them and that they are a weird loner? No!
I think people who don't really know me and see I am shy and nervous around them think I am an oddball, like they will think what is up with him, he is weird. But do they really think that? There is a new guy who started on our team who doesn't speak hardly ever. Do people think he is weird? No they don't. They think he is quiet and shy.

You say you believe people think you are strange, but how many people can you think of who are strange? I can't think of anyone. Maybe you need to look into the reality of this, because I am certain people don't think you are strange.

And if you really can't shake that label off, well desensitise it. Imagine I think you are strange, so what? What does it matter if I were to think you are strange? Is it really a reason to live life so self consciously and have to have so much anxiety which hinders your performance because its hard to be yourself and be natural.

I will reply to the other replies in a few mins on my lunch break.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
IceLad said:
Rationally, I think the vast majority of people take time to form an opinion of you, rather than automatically think negative/ critical thoughts.

The problem with a socially phobic's mind is that a lot of thoughts are irrational, and you often know they are irrational, but you just can't help thinking them.

But are they irrational? I believe so often the fear on the surface is very irrational, however the roots to the problems are very rational, but they are extremely exaggerated, negative and unfair. I had a fear of saying my name, I mean how irrational is that. But the reasons behind it was that at school when I said my name people laughed and ridiculed me. Whenever I started a new class and had to say my name some people laughed and repeated how I said my name. I was so self conscious and afraid to say my name because of it.

I think behind all fears and negative beliefs lies a rational explanation, but it stems from a reason that was extremely exaggerated, negative, bad, unfair, etc. And therefore the core beliefs need to be pulled back into reality in order for the fear on the surface to change.

I am sure people will disagree with what I write there though.
 

signs05

Well-known member
The mind isn't always logical to us. Everyone has distorted thoughts. A psychologist I once talked to, he is a specialist in CBT treatment, told me how he was very nervous each time he had to do public speaking. However, he didnt care much, nervousness never killed anyone. The question isnt, why do we have thoughts that say people are judging us critically, the question is, why is it important that we have these thoughts?

If I am talking to a person and a thought appears in my head telling me "He/she thinks im boring", I tell myself "I just had a thought telling me the person I am talking to thinks I am boring", this is an incredibly enpowering feeling because it places the thought exactly in its place, just a thought, no importance to it.
If I would however, like I did before, start analyzing the thought, like "Why would he think I am boring? Do I think people I talk are boring?", I would give the thought authority and probably in the long run, drown in these thoughts and go crazy.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
Signs I have to disagree with you on the whole, but I am not saying you are wrong because we all suffer differently, but for me the biggest factor by a million miles is changing these deep rooted beliefs that everyone looks at me critically.

I agree with what you say that we need to become thicker skinned and not let these negative thoughts people may think of us have any impact on us, but that for me doesn't treat the root problem - that people are thinking negatives of me. That is like saying ok people are critical of me but it doesn't hurt me because I can handle it. That is not the answer for me at all. I mean for sure I need to be thicker skinned, but I need to trust people and feel people are judging me fairly like I do them.

The people I am confident around are people I trust and are comfortable around and know they don't see me critically and therefore I am not self conscious.

For myself I have already started on working on the belief that I think everyone looks critically of me and I have already made a fantastic start. I realised everyone who said everything nasty to me was either immature and about 15 years old and the rest were just really horrible grotty people who had about one brain cell between them, they were shallow, mainly all looks orientated, rough and just horrible pieces of work. I am starting to see that my beliefs that everyone looks critically at me is seriously flawed and it would be just crazy for me to not try and understand that. Not one decent person ever has ridiculed me, they were all bastards. I cannot continue thinking this way that those bastards represent how everyone thinks. I definitely will overcome this in a matter of weeks, I think you are wrong in thinking I will drown in this sort of thinking and go crazy, that just will not happen, I am putting these issues to bed once and for all and understand them to have different meaning - i.e. that they were not describing who I am, but they were immature kids who ridiculed anyone for anything and said such stuff to be as horrible and hurtful to me as possible for different reasons such as they didn't like me, they wanted to look tough, wanted to upset me, wanted to show off, etc. We all have flaws, anyone could have been targeted. But to not address the ridicule which has lead me to believe everyone thinks that way is an error in my opinion.

Anyway, we both have two very different approaches and neither is wrong, its what is right for ourselves and I know that I have to change my beliefs on how people see me. I wish you luck in your approach.
I hope you will respect this is right for me for how I suffer.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
I know this will sound so simple and obvious but something I had never thought of before. But I suffered years of ridicule and put downs and I must be honest and say what people always told me is what I believed people saw when they saw me - i.e. just negatives and flaws in myself - almost all of which was in my appearance and how I spoke. I believed that everyone must think that way when they see me and hence why my self image of myself was so incredibly negative.

But after looking into this which I am currently doing (to understand that people are not all seeing me negative), I realise that when I look around and see people, I realise anyone could receive years of ridicule about a flaw they have, because we all have flaws, and if that person has been ridiculed or insulted over many years about that flaw, they too would be so self conscious of their flaw and believe people just see that flaw in themselves when people see them. But its totally wrong to believe that people just see people critically - because I realise those who pointed out the flaw did so as they had a reason to - i.e. they wanted to be horrible or to show off by putting that person down. I mean I work with this guy who is quite a bit overweight, which people could point out as being a flaw. However, I don't notice anything negative about him and I am sure others don't either, I mean he has a nice girlfriend and is so popular with everyone - he is confident, he looks decent, he is very friendly. If he had suffered years and years of put downs and ridicule over his weight then maybe he would be so self conscious and insecure and think people are just horrible and look for the worst in him. But he is not insecure (I don't know if he received put downs or not but that is irrelevant for the point I am making). The whole point I am making is that I believe people see the worst in me and will see my flaws and judge me purely on those flaws, but what I can see with others who have 'flaws' - if you want to call being overweight a flaw (an imperfection that we would want to change) is that people can see these flaws, but it doesn't define or determine who you are as a person - which I believed it did because that was my experience - people always judged me badly and so that is how I believed people see me.

For myself I have been in the past so insecure about my nose, I never thought my nose was that bad until some people started ridiculing me that my nose was big, the butt of some jokes, people pointing out my nose was big, a girl once saying I would be ok if I didn't have a big nose. Its made me think people define me on my nose - and because its negative that I became so self conscious and believed that if anyone sees my nose they will either ridicule me or be thinking very negative things about my nose. But I am starting to see the reality, the reality being that yes people can see my nose is bigger than ideal, but its not that big, but also it doesn't really matter. I see two women at work who you can notice their nose is bigger than ideal, they too could have received the same ridicule I did if they had come across the same people I did, but they are both really nice and are attractive. I needed to understand that when people see me they are not noticing just my flaws and judging me negatively because of it. In reality people do see a person for the whole package, and just like I see the guy who is noticably overweight, it doesn't mean that his weight is all that I notice, I do notice it, but I also notice everything else too - i.e. I know he is very confident, outgoing, friendly, clever, he has cool hairstyle, he is an ok looking chap (not that I look at looks in men) but basically people notice everything that they see of a person, and so I need to stop focusing on one flaw (my nose) believing everyone else judges me on that one flaw, and need to realise the reality that people judge me as a whole person, so I have been wrong thinking people see me negatively and critically.

It does also raise the question of what people think when they see my nose. For instance I have received put downs and ridicule over my nose so when people see my nose I believe people think negatives of me. But I am starting to see that it doesn't have anywhere near as much as importance as I believed. I see two girls at work who have noses that are noticable as being bigger than ideal (ideal in terms of we could pick and choose our own nose). I have seen them both side on and noticed their noses. Did I think negatively of them? Well I noticed their noses were big but it didn't determine how I saw them, I find them both to be attractive, they have are smart, they seem in good shape, they seem nice people and intelligent, so my overall opinion is that they are seem nice and yeah I would be interested in them definitely if I got to know them and got on well with them. The whole point is that this shows that I have had one belief for myself on how people see me, but that I see others very differently who have a 'flaw', and the reason being is that my experiences of the ridicule and put downs is that I have believed that is how everyone sees me, but its inaccurate, these people ridiculed me because they had a reason to do so, they wanted to be horrible to me, kids can get ridiculed for anything, I remember other kids getting ridiculed loads for anything - and to show how ridiculous it is - I remember some kid got called metal mouth all the time for having a brace in his mouth. A kid was ridiculed all the time for wearing glasses, which is unbelievable as it seems like half the population wear glasses. People got ridiculed for their voices or speech - which includes me. People got ridiculed for their weight, their hairstyle, their hair colour (usually for red heads), spots, nose, ears, for being posh, for their colour or religion (which is terrible), for how intelligent they were or how intelligent they weren't, for the clothes they wore (I remember I got ridiculed for some rubbish training shoes I had), the list can go on and on, and its important for people like myself who suffered years of ridicule to realise that we did not get ridicule because that is how people see us, but we can all get ridicule, those who ridiculed us I think we will all find did so because they wanted to be horrible to us for their own personal gain - to hurt/upset us, to look tough, to show off to their friends, etc.

I am working on this more because I need to believe a new reality. I mean when people are centre of attention, people can see flaws in anyone if they want to look for flaws but people are not doing that, people are seeing people as a person. Afterall, they wouldn't want people to be looking at them for their flaws either when they are centre of attention.

Anyway, sorry if I have bored anyone with that, I wanted to write about what I am learning to see.
 

LittleMissMuffet

Well-known member
Hi Charlie and Signs,

Charlie: I haven't yet replied to your post as my internet only just started working again today.
I still am asking questions about how this all works. But so far, I think that unconditionally accepting oneself means that we are out of our old thoughts and seeing things clearly and objectively. That it is when we can accept anything negative -or even simply the questions, the doubts as to just who people think we are (which is part of our sense of who we are) -that when we can accept negatives or possible negatives, that this is when we are 'centred' and looking at our circumstances from the most objective and clear point of view. ...Just like we are distanced enough from our feelings.

This bring me to my next thing to say...
Signs... I found what you said to be pretty clever. I was actually going to post up an article I found that teaches "mindfulness" ...only, it appears that you (unwittingly?) beat me to this, as your ideas remind me of these same techniques. The whole idea of mindfulness is to position oneself as the observer of one's thoughts. ...A person is taught to simply observe distractions, or in this case our negative thoughts -noticing the quality of the feelings, how long the thought lingers, any judgements for having such a thought/reaction... and through this, a person puts some distance between them and the thought... sort of like how you said noticing the thought (and doing nothing else) puts the thought in a better perspective. ...that it takes the strength and importance out of a (negative) thought.

....Your strategy seems really quite intelligent to me -it is very similar to that of Mindfulness, and I so far am finding that what you say about such thoughts losing their hold to be true.

This follows the principle: "What you resist persists, but what you LOOK at disappears" ....and only now when this is demonstrated do I get what is meant by 'what you look at'.
...it's plain straight and simple observance ....that is, observing our thoughts, our emotions, our reactions etc, without adding judgements to these or thinking any more about them.

I think that I will put in that article. I find my self wanting to understand how come observing thoughts can make it much easier to actually control or correct our thinking, whilst analysing these thoughts may not help.
 

charlieHungerford

Well-known member
Have a look at my other post littlemissmuffet. This is all in the past for me now. This thinking is no longer applicable to me.

And for myself the answer was both accepting myself which is crucial, but is only half the answer. Understanding that being self conscious means that people are looking at you critically/negative is wrong. I realise it now.

But, others are right to disagree if its not applicable for them.
 

LittleMissMuffet

Well-known member
Hi Charlie,

I read your response to Signs, and I think that it is fair given what I understand so far.

It is just that I have been reading about Mindfulness (meditation) and it is all about starting from a point where a person just observes without judgement or thinking what is happening -what their thoughts are and their emotions. That through this they can actually get away from doubting themselves and it is like working your way up through applying this skill of mindful 'bare attention'.

There is a spiritual saying that is: "What you resist persists, but what you look at disappears".

I realise that there is probably more to this and that what you are doing now may actually be a faster way to get to where you want to be. So I am merely making suggestions and asking questions...

Since it seems to me that annalysing your thoughts and situations can be taken too far. That trying to figure it all out, going over and over the facts -may infact be a subtle way of resisting just what actually is happening. That it is looking towards the past to find some Cause for the present situation whilst not actually just accepting the present situation. And that it is actually a way of rejecting emotions.

Signs said that the question isn't why we have negative thoughts and insecurities, but that instead we should ask why do we doubt ourselves for having insecurities -and what is so wrong about having such insecurities-?

Even your observance of people with flaws who don't appear particualarly phased by them, is revealing of the fact that they have such limitations, such flaws, and yet in accepting them, it is that their limitations are not limitations in themselves.

In Mindfulness meditation the whole purpose is to LOOK at one's thoughts and feelings and not to think anymore about them. And this includes also looking at the thoughts of judgement about having negative thoughts. And that through the practice of this technique, awareness is achieved.
...and what is brought to light can then be cured; awareness is really all that is necessary.

I wonder that you may be undermining your own natural ability to deal with problems. And that you are trying harder than you actually need to try, simply because the ability to overcome your anxieties is a natural ability for you -but that you are underestimating your strength.

Also, you already made the observation that other people accept their flaws but don't worry about them; so, acknowledging and saying something like " I just had a thought telling me the person I am talking to thinks I am boring" is accepting your flaw. And really, perhaps your real flaw is not accepting your insecurities.

Anyhow, all this is just my hunch.

I've been reading about Mindfulness meditation, and it appears that a lot of what I have been doing has just added to my problems.

But, like I also said before: there may be more to this and your own way of doing things now could be a part of your figuring things out really well.
I'm not sure.

I'll put up a thread soon on the Buddhist practise of "Mindfulness Meditation". It's very interesting and I am curious about how and why it works and how it is different to what I have been doing.

There is also another way to look at things that is like...
Anxiety is essentially about what is unknown. We fear what is in the dark. Yet, to bring light to darkness, and know the unknown -according to the experts- can only be done via "transcendence". That some way or rather, we can only come into an understanding of what we don't know through accepting that we don't know it. That, the 'known' is the masculine- what is concious; and the unknown -often our emotions- is the feminine and is unconcious. And that only through giving equal attention to both can a person solve any conflict. Or: "All knowing contains a component of not knowing". ...If you are familiar with philosophy, Hegel's idea that he called the dialectic, was about the new mind (the known) containing both the old known (old mind/perspective) and what was originally outside the mind, the unknown. Or, 'what is', was once 'what is and what is not'.
....well, there is obviously more to things -especially regarding just how the known and the unknown can be transended... although, so far for me, mindfulness seems a good way to go about doing this.
 
Top