Old 09-05-2011
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Hi,

I have been lurking on this site for a while. And post sometimes.

Anyway i have social anxiety, sweating issues etc. Kind of the same problems everyone has on this forum.

I have been in a relationship for 2,5 years now. It feels he is all i have ( which is not true..i have 2 good friends, my family supports me etc) but i don't know what to do anymore...he often looks at others or flirts with others. Deep in my heart i know he loves me....but he often goes clubbing which makes me jealous. I don't want to live anymore like that, it makes me even more anxious at times!!But if i break up it feels my whole world will crumble down...will i ever get a new boyfriend? Will my anxiety get even worse? Etc..

Anyone who can relate or give me some tips about what to do? It feels as if i didn't have this anxiety i would have broken up ages ago...
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Old 09-05-2011
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Don't stay with this guy just because you want to have a boyfriend and not be alone. Being with someone is supposed to make you feel good, happy, not bring you misery. If he looks at others and flirts while you are right there, well, hes kind of an *******,the kind of guy who would cheat. Dump him. You can find someone better.
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Old 09-05-2011
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Yeah you are probably right. But as you said, i don't want to be alone and i might not get someone else...

I know he sometimes makes my anxiety worse, i even take oxazepam when i hear he is going out or something...or i drink more.

I am just afraid my anxiety will be even worse when i break up..
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Old 09-05-2011
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Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? If you've specifically told him that you don't like him flirting with others and that it makes you feel anxious yet he still does it then that isn't a good thing. If you haven't told him however there is a chance that he simply doesn't know how it is making you feel.

In the case where he doesn't know I don't think you can do anything about him looking at others, and I don't think that is a problem (plenty of people look at others). With him going out clubbing... Perhaps suggest that he stay home, put on some music and spend time talking or drinking or dancing with you? That way he gets a bit of what he wants, you get a bit of what you want.

If you have told him once before about the flirting I would give him another two chances, with a warning on the last chance that it is just that. Because if he continues after being told several times then he isn't respecting your feelings. On the other hand I guess the good thing is that flirting isn't cheating, and some people just have flirty personalities.

Maybe you just need to find things that you enjoy which aren't centered around him? So that you can build up confidence in yourself and not have all or most of your happiness relying on one individual. That way even if your relationship did end it might be a little less painful and world-shattering for you.
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Old 09-05-2011
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I havn't told him about the looking and flirting. Ussualy i don't mind..i also look. But the thing is; he doesn't give me any attention when are outside in public. That it was annoys me.

Ofcourse there were more things in our relationship. He also dirty chatted with an ex on facebook...and in the 2,5 years we are together i havn't been clubbing with him once. While he goes out atleast once a month.

I just feel weak that my anxiety is keeping me back from doing/saying what i really want.
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Old 09-05-2011
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She shouldn't have to teach him how to act. He should have enough sense not to ogle other girls or flirt with them especially when he's with his girlfriend for god's sake.Thats just showing lack of respect for her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seri View Post

Maybe you just need to find things that you enjoy which aren't centered around him? So that you can build up confidence in yourself and not have all or most of your happiness relying on one individual. That way even if your relationship did end it might be a little less painful and world-shattering for you.
I agree with this.
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Old 09-05-2011
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Jup i agree with the fact i need to find more things i enjoy and not center all my attention on him.

The thing is even if i am at the beach with a friend or if i am at the movies with a friend or whatever 'fun' things with friends, my boyfriend always pops in my head and i obsess/overanalyse everything about him, what he is doing, who he is with etc.

He is just always lurking in my head and i jus't can't seem to enjoy other activities without thinking about him(in a negative way that is)
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Old 09-05-2011
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Be happy you've found a man the obviously wants to come home to you. Try having more intense love making time with him so he's more sexually satisfied so he will be less likely to flirt. If you break up with him cuz of your own mental entrapments then you have made your own bed of loneliness. Also, I'm not saying don't be yourself but calm down your an anxiety around him, not only is it unattractive but it can make him nervous and change his quality of life which I'm sure you don't want. What do I know I can't keep a boyfriend and all my family is dead, be grateful you have people that care before you make a unnecessary bed of misery
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Old 09-07-2011
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There will always be someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It just takes time, time to heal emotionally from a previous relationship, time to adjust to being single again, and time to find that person out there. Barrelandro, I used to be in a similar situation you are currently in with my first relationship. Do not allow this man to ruin your life by equating his inadequacies as your fault or you having to accommodate entirely to his lifestyle. Yes, the anxiety does flare up after breaking up with someone, but it helps to surround yourself with support when it does happen, whether it may be from online or personal contacts. I do agree though, that you should talk to him about your concerns before making any decisions about where you stand in the relationship and where it will go.
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Man of renunciation, do you want to renounce all this? Who will give you the necessary strength?"
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Old 09-07-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by burdeninyourhands View Post
Be happy you've found a man the obviously wants to come home to you. Try having more intense love making time with him so he's more sexually satisfied so he will be less likely to flirt. If you break up with him cuz of your own mental entrapments then you have made your own bed of loneliness. Also, I'm not saying don't be yourself but calm down your an anxiety around him, not only is it unattractive but it can make him nervous and change his quality of life which I'm sure you don't want. What do I know I can't keep a boyfriend and all my family is dead, be grateful you have people that care before you make a unnecessary bed of misery
I am sorry, I am not trying to be rude but this is horrible advice.

Don't EVER settle for something just so you can have something. You shouldn't be grateful that you have someone, if that someone treats you like crap. If that person makes you feel bad, dump them. And intense love making to keep him around? People cheat and flirt because they cheat and flirt, it's not because one person is lacking in the relationship. Making an unnecessary bed of misery is far from what is happening here. Don't tell someone to stay in a bad relationship just so they can have a relationship. You deserve A LOT more than that.


As far as a response to the OP. If you feel like his flirting is crossing a line, then you should bring it up with him. Be open and honest with how you are feeling. From what you have said here, there's really not enough information to go from if you should dump him or not. He goes clubbing once or so a month? So? What's wrong with that. It's something he enjoys doing. If it makes you jealous or anxious, that's you and not him. You should work on being happy with yourself and confident and those little things won't matter as much.
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Old 09-07-2011
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^
Thanks. Exactly.
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Old 09-08-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by burdeninyourhands View Post
Be happy you've found a man the obviously wants to come home to you. Try having more intense love making time with him so he's more sexually satisfied so he will be less likely to flirt. If you break up with him cuz of your own mental entrapments then you have made your own bed of loneliness. Also, I'm not saying don't be yourself but calm down your an anxiety around him, not only is it unattractive but it can make him nervous and change his quality of life which I'm sure you don't want. What do I know I can't keep a boyfriend and all my family is dead, be grateful you have people that care before you make a unnecessary bed of misery
I hate to say it but you are so wrong, and I agree with everything that MsBuzzkillington said. How can you expect her to be happy with this guy when he's openly flirting with other women and making her uncomfortable and insecure in the process? People without anxiety or any "mental entrapments" in general get cheated on by their partner and it's not because they are getting nervous to a point where it changes their quality of life. Seriously, that's a bunch of bologna. There is never an excuse for someone to go behind their partner's back and flirt with others when they've already offered them their heart. It's immoral, it's hurtful, and it's wrong, even more so to someone with anxiety who already has enough insecurities as it is. Anxiety is like poison - it corrodes you, gradually deteriorating and killing you slowly inside. It's not an easy thing to live with, contrary to what many people think, and being in a relationship with it is just as difficult. Calling it "unattractive" isn't helping much to reduce those insecurities that are already settling within barrelandro's mind from this relationship.

I apologize if I came off too harsh in this response but as a person who's been cheated on multiple times it really upsets me when a person is being unfaithful and their partner is the one who feels like they did something wrong when they didn't.

Anyway, barrelandro, I'm sorry to break it to you but I really doubt he loves you. I've had plenty of experiences in dating unfaithful guys and from those experiences I have learned to acknowledge this saying: once a cheater, always a cheater. Same goes for flirting. He does it once, he's gonna do it again. Openly ogling and flirting with other women is basically a red flag that he's lost interest in you so I would just end it with him and break his heart before he breaks yours. You will get a new boyfriend and it will not make your anxiety worse. It can only make you stronger because next time you'll be more prepared for what may come in a relationship.

I'm sincerely sorry that you have to go through with this kind of thing but trust me, you're better off without this guy. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship with someone if you feel unhappy and unable to communicate with them? Communication is a big part of a relationship and without it, it's unfortunately doomed for failure. Just be strong, think more highly of yourself, and don't allow this guy to continue playing you. Break up with this **** and find yourself someone who will actually provide you with the love you deserve.
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