Do I have Social Phobia or am I just a sociopath?

Sorry about the long post. It could've been a lot longer, but I decided to just give you the tip of the iceberg, as it were. Quite a lot of this is mentioned in a suicide note I have on my computer, actually.

I am 14, 15 in December. I just want to know whether or not you think I have social anxiety disorder (social phobia).

Well, for a long time I would just be afraid of social situations - you know, going to school, going to see relatives, whatever. I didn't mention it to anyone - I just assumed it was normal. I remember that every Sunday was spent worrying about school on the next day... and every Monday, I'd go to school and it would be fine (this was at primary school). But in spite of this, I still worried about going to school after the weekend, and when one of my teachers asked me why I was worried, I couldn't give her a proper answer. I just didn't know. I remember going to my best friend's house (this is at secondary school now) and feeling really nervous in the car on the way there, and beginning to jitter and shake. My dad has GPS in the car - when we got close to my best friend's house, it would say "Turn right and arrive at destination on left." Now, whenever it says "Arriving at destination" I get really nervous. I'm getting nervous and twitchy just thinking of it now.

I think this year (Year 9) I just sort of stopped enjoying secondary school. I mean, I've never enjoyed it, but in Years 7 and 8 my naïveté forced me to think it was a great school and I was enjoying it. Wrong. It is a crappy school, filled to the brim with apathetic, heartless people. It took me until Year 9 (the year I've just completed) to work out that actually, I don't like school. I hate it. And so this year, I just decided to do what I enjoyed as far as possible - to do the minimum amount I was required to do, and to not do anything that would make me unhappy. And so I started to label myself as a 'sociopath'. Not someone who goes around smashing up telephone boxes, no, but someone who shuns society. And that's what I did. I just couldn't take the stress of talking to people anymore. I sat alone on the train to school. I didn't go round to other people's houses. I didn't go to parties. I didn't talk on MSN Messenger to anyone. I didn't go into shops. I didn't go to the cinema. I didn't call anyone on the phone. If someone invited me round, I would be able to decline without having to make a long-winded "Oh well on Monday I have a dentist's appointment, and on Tuesday I'm going to a funeral, and on Wednesday..."-type excuse. I would just say 'because I'm a sociopath'. And people would leave me alone. Labelling myself a sociopath was my 'get out of jail free' card.

I suppose it didn't help matters that my best friend (the one I mentioned in the first paragraph) is a fucking backstabber (let's call him Fred). I HATE HIM. All the time in seventh grade he would hit me, and tread on my toes knowing I had injured them, and kick me in the shins as hard as he could. It made it all the more degrading that he was (and still is) about a foot smaller than me. He stole phone numbers from my cellphone. Everything great that I have accomplished - he wants credit for it in some way. He can't stand being left out. When we worked with two other people in a group to film a movie for Religious Education, I was supposed to be writing the script. But no - Fred took over. He wrote 90% if it in the end. I was supposed to be editing it - but no, Fred invited himself round to my house and actually just sat there, playing with software on my computer while I did the editing, and later took credit for doing the editing. It's crap actually.

It also doesn't help that for this entire year I have been bullied by a guy who we'll call John. John has punched me in the testicles, punched me in my tuberculosis vaccination site repeatedly, sprayed deodorant on the backs of my legs where the skin is broken (I have eczema)... the list goes on. I think it's because I take a self-defense class. He wants to see me defend myself, but I'm too much of a pacifist.

It also doesn't help that I am tall and clumsy. So I just become an oaf for the class to pick fun at. A walking practical joke.

So, after all this, I remember reading a post on some forum about a guy who said he was always really withdrawn and didn't speak much (which sounded a bit like me). He mentioned Social Anxiety Disorder. I looked it up... what can I say? It looked to be a perfect match. And so I diagnosed myself with Social Anxiety Disorder. I wasn't just a sociopath... I had a problem, and it had a name and there are treatments for it! Quite a revelation. I remember talking to Fred about it. I should have expected it from him, but he said 'Oh no, you don't have it, but by the sounds of it, that's what I used to have.' This, from Fred, the most self-confident, arrogant person in the universe (another reason why I dislike him). He then proceeded to make up some symptoms and claim he used to suffer from them. I was so fucking angry that I made two cuts in my arm. That was really the beginning of my self-injury.

I was depressed then. I've been depressed on and off in my life, really. But I've been depressed most of this summer holiday, especially when we went on vacation for two weeks - I got seriously depressed then. I cut deeper than I ever have before when I was on that vacation. I'm sort of feeling flat right now, but probably not really depressed. But when I go back to school, I will be. I'm sure of it. Then I'll give my mum the letter I have written, asking for help.

I just want to put my fears to rest. Do I have this condition or not?

Here are some other symptoms I have experienced:

• I don't go to the cinema anymore. I used to, but I just don't like the fact that there are so many people there. It makes me tense and edgy, and it makes me snap at people.
• When I go to any social gathering (like going round to our next-door-neighbours' house with my family) I get nervous and do not speak, namely because I feel that I will stutter or otherwise mess up what I want to say (and often I do mess up).
• I don't go to parties. I told everyone I was going to the last party I was invited to, and just didn't go.
• When my parents threw a New Year Party in January, I just hid upstairs.
• I don't ever throw parties myself, not even birthday parties.
• I never invite friends from school round.
• I have let people verbally and physically abuse me the entire time I have been at school.
• I have glued the curtains in my room shut, so my next-door neighbour cannot see me.
• I have great difficulty in telling people things I think they will take badly. I sort of get to the point where I can imagine me telling the person with amazing clarity, but then I realise I havent actually spoken. It can take me twenty minutes to get the words out, and when I do, they sound feeble and whiny.

I'm sorry if you are tired of hearing sob stories from people like me. I just want to know whether I have a treatable condition or whether I'm just a sociopath.

Thankyou for your time.

Hey there! Don't worry, sob stories are one of the reasons the site is here. Did you feel a little better after posting?

Some random thoughts:
1) You sound like a likely case of SA. Get thee to a doctor. Quickly. It sounds like you deteriorated fairly rapidly over the past year or two. And you have a suicide note already written. Call the doctor. Today. Bring a printout of your post with you when you go.
2) Fred is a major league a**hole. Stop hanging out with him. You may not beleive me, but you can get better friends than that. He's probably hanging around with you because he gets away with abusing you (which probably helps him feel better about himself-- he probably has no other real friends, I'm guessing?) The next time he hits you, break his f***ing nose. Seriously. You're still in school, so you won't get in much trouble (what sort of trouble has he gotten in for hitting you??). In the real world, he'd be jailed for what he does to you. Teach him a lesson and stand up for yourself at the same time. Pacifism can only go so far (I used to take punches that I wouldn't answer all the time; then one day I easily beat down one of my bullies... he was actually a wimp! Today I'm 31 and haven't fought in... yikes, 20 years? lol) This part may not be great advice, LOL, but similar things worked for me in school (the teachers knew I was bullied, so they just giggled when i finally struck back )
3) Hang in there!!! It can get better. I felt pretty horrible at your age too. Sometimes I still do (I thought of killing myself just last week). But there have been many good times along the way.
4) You are NOT a sociopath, you just have SA (maybe avoidant personality too). If you were truly a sociopath, you wouldn't be a pacifist. You'd have zero regard for others and no conscience to speak of. You probably wouldn't be shy either; you'd be too busy stepping all over everyone on your way to the top. Or, too busy committing nasty crimes all over town.

Thanks so much for your swift reply, J. I actually take a self-defense class, so in theory it shouldnt be hard to knock Fred senseless. But that's the problem - in theory. It's just so hard to actually do it... I avoid him as much as possible. He's astonishingly annoying... he's confident, and eloquent, and articulate... bleugh. But you are absolutely right about him hanging around with me just as an ego boost.

I will go to a doctor and get a psychiatric assessment [sic]. I want to thank you again for helping me out... You know, I'm feeling better already! I can't thank you enough. You really are the best.

J said:

Today I'm 31 and haven't fought in... yikes, 20 years?

Click to expand...

You mean today is your 31st birthday? If that's what you meant, then Happy Birthday!!

Actually my birthday was last month, but thanks all the same! It was my unclear way of mentioning how old I was... and how I had a lot of similar experiences as you, just 16 years earlier and 3000+ miles away . People really are similar everywhere, I guess (at least in the Anglo-Saxon West, LOL).

I'm glad you found my post helpful. That makes me happy. You're welcome, and thanks!!

Yeah, avoiding Fred is really the best bet. Though smacking him one the next time he acts out would gain you respect among the bystanders LOL. I just got really pissed at this Fred guy while reading your post... I knew folks like him in school (and, as I mentioned, I beat the crap out of one of them LOL and he was older than me ). It sucks that others have to go through this.

By the way, you spelled "psychiatric assessment" absolutely correctly. At least for us American "blokes" ... I know on your side of the pond you spell things a little differently ("I laboured until the colour in the centre was in my favour..."). Well, maybe we're the ones who are different; I seem to recall that your country spoke English first

Hey, i just wanted to tell you to hang in there, things will get better even if they dont seem like they will, i too got bullied when i was in school, i guess i wasnt pretty enough for them, and im now obsessed with my appearance, even tho i hate the attention it gets me

I have to Agree with J about kicking that kids a$$ i mean its not really good advice, but you cant let him push you around or he isnt going to stop. Punch him in the freakin head! I just dont want you to get in trouble so try avoiding him 1st

When you start to feel really down just remember things cant go anywhere but up!

Hang in there

Billie,

I just wanted to tell you that Fred is a idiot! You have every right to smack him in the head frequently and with much force. However, I don't condone violence so just be aware that "what goes around, comes around." If Fred keeps acting the way he is, then eventually he will end-up with 'friends' that he deserves (Hopefully, they will be violent cannibalistic criminals! )

I am worried about your habit of cutting yourself. I don't think it's the most effective way to deal with your problems. I definately think that you should tell a counselour or your parents about it. Don't keep it a secret from them (You don't need to tell everyone else but just people you really trust!).

Also, I have been bullied by guys as well as girls. (Oh, boy! That disclosure was fairly embarrassing :wink: !) My high school experience stunk too so I know how you feel.....


Oh by the way, here is the criteria that psychologist in the USA use to diagnose a case of social phobia.

http://anxiety.psy.ohio-state.edu/phobia-d.htm

Good Luck!

Hey Billie,
After reading your post i thought I’d write my first response on this site cos i could relate to some of what you've said and I also wanted to try and encourage you if I can.

I’m a few years older than you, so not actually in school now, but i remember how i felt and how much i hated it. Back then, of course, i had no idea about SA and just thought i was a bit odd for feeling the way i did, and that i must be the only one in the world who was like that, cos no-one else seemed to be (or else they were just much better at hiding it) so i just tried to ignore it and pretend that i didn’t have it, but that just made things worse later on when i reached the 6th form and so on till where i am now, having finally worked out what it is that i have. I only worked that out less than a year ago and only by chance really- i was flicking through a not particularly interesting mag when i stumbled upon an article entitled 'Don't be Shy, Shine'. As i read on, i realised that what they were describing, being the symptoms of SA, was exactly (or nearly) what i had. So i could finally put a name to it and see that i wasn’t the only person in the world who felt like this, which was encouraging.

Anyway, what you said about starting to hate secondary school in yr9, that was probably about the same time I did, cos I think this was when I started realising that my problem was affecting me. You described your school as being ‘crappy and full of heartless people’. That is how I would have described my school, or my year group maybe. Everyone else seemed to think it was great, including my best friend annoyingly, but I just hated every minute of it and looked upon my fellow students with despise cos I felt so lonely and rejected. Because of my SA I was terrible at making friends and even just holding down a conversation, like small talk in between lessons, I hated that. Like you, I would end up stuttering and messing up what I wanted to say, so in the end it was best not to say anything at all. And ppl knew me as shy, or quiet, or boring, or anti-social, least that’s what it felt like they were thinking about me, and this was how I came to label myself cos I didn’t know any better.

So I went thru my gcse’s feeling really isolated and alone. Yeah, I had a few friends , but there were lessons where they weren’t around and these were the worst cos id grown to depend on them too much and then not having them around I just wouldn’t speak to anyone. And even in lessons with my friends I felt alone sometimes because, of course, I couldn’t expect them to devote their attention solely to me, they had other friends. By the time I reached the 6th form I was rlly depressed, I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. I used to feel such relief at the end of the day when I could go home, but then id get there and feel so crap knowing I had to go back again the next day. I couldn’t do any work in that state, so I got really behind and ended up doing most of my coursework the night before a deadline (not good when you’re doing 2 art subjects).
I became really withdrawn from everyone, I just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to speak much to anyone anymore , there didn’t seem any point- I would be leaving soon and id just mess up the conversation anyway. You’re right it is very stressful trying to hold down a conversation. And like you I avoided parties (well, when I actually got invited to them!) I got nervous just thinking about them, walking into a room full of ppl, even ppl I knew, let alone strangers, was really daunting. And I wouldn’t even dream about throwing one myself, who would come? Does less than 5 ppl count as a party?!

I know what you mean about the cinema, I rarely go, but when I do I hate walking in when its really crowded and everyone’s quiet and your trying to find your seat and it feels like everyone’s looking at you.
I took a self-defence class too, well karate, and I got teased about that (not beaten up, but that’s prob cos im a girl and the boys wouldn’t have dared). It almost made me give up, and it was something I loved. I hated walking in to the leisure centre in my suit cos I just knew id get ppl shouting out stuff and mimicking a pathetic attempt at a karate chop, whilst everyone around cracked up. I don’t know why but it rlly got to me. And when the boys in my form found out, I never lived it down. I guess they thought it was funny thinking of a little squirt like me trying to beat ppl up. One time they even came and stood outside my lesson and peered in. And then the bastards had the cheek to actually join up a couple of yrs later, having teased me about it for so long. Pathetic.

Anyway, sorry ive gone on so much about me, its just that reading your experiences made me think about my own similar ones. Maybe that will make you feel better, maybe not. I dunno, sometimes reading about other ppls problems can take your mind off your own, even just for a little while. But at least it shows that you, like everyone else with SA, are not alone in feeling like you do, even tho everyone’s situations are slightly diff and personal to them.

But it was reading about your hard time at school that rlly got to me. So I just want to say, hang in there cos you will get thru it like I did, its not forever. Just try and focus on what you do enjoy about it, even if its only a small factor. You seem like a genuine and smart person, sometimes you can tell from the way ppl write (sorry if that sounds daft!) but it gives me hope for you. At any rate you are certainly smarter than those losers who give you a hard time, and who will hopefully get bored after a while or pre-occupied with exams and stuff. There will always be ppl who don’t like you in life, even without knowing you properly, but for every one of those, just think there’s probably another 2 who do like you. You should maybe think about ditching that so-called ‘mate’ of yours, fred. No one needs friends like that. He’s the real insecure one, don’t be fooled by his arrogant confidence. I reckon he’s jealous of you, the way he always takes credit for what you’ve done, he obviously can’t achieve anything so good himself. You should kind of be flattered.

And don’t worry about your height. I have the opposite problem! Im rlly short, just 5ft 1½in, I didn’t get bullied as such, but I got teased and I still get patronised and ppl thinking im much younger than I am. It sucks! My ID is permanently glued to me when I go out cos its inevitable that bouncers and such will want to see it ( & then only so they can laugh at my bad pic which kind of resembles a terrorist!). Hey, your ‘friend’ fred probably has a height complex like me!

Well anyway, I really hope things work out for you and good luck. I don’t know if anything ive said will help, im not very good at the whole advise thing, (and I never seem to take my own advise) but I tried. Sorry for writing such a mammoth reply too. Course, you’ll only get that apology if you actually got this far lol. Oh and btw, I noticed you live in surrey, same here. Wouldn’t it be strange if we were writing about the same school.