Did something that was probably stupid

So I've been unemployed for 7 months, and it that time I've felt more and more uncomfortable around people.

Despite living at home with the parents, I've ran out of money and so feel even more trapped and weak (probably through lack of independence and having to rely on others)

Anyway, with the job market the way it is, it was really hard to find work, but I finally got an interview the other day and it went pretty well, so much so that I was afraid I'd get the job. They contacted me the next day (Friday) and offered the job. Despite being broke, stuck at home, etc etc, I lied and said I'd already accepted a job elsewhere.

I did it partly because the idea of working with new people is terrifying to me, but also, because there's a self destructive side to me that does irrational, regrettable things just to deliberately put myself into a mood. So I had a chance at getting paid work and deliberately ruined it.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? It's that self destructive side to me that seems to dictate much of my actions

The most important realisation when it comes to your situation, which is a very common thing for most people is that you need to seperate your priorities into two parts, the first is that you need an income and anything is better then nothing right now at this moment, even if its sticky work you can always apply for a better job or ask to move into a different area, the second is that you arn't going to impress everyone so all you need to do is be calm and take it all in your stride. try and learn from people and watch how they operate and conduct themselves so even if you dont like the way you come across, you've earnt a little money and you've learnt or exposed yourself to an uncomfortable situation which will help you develop confidence to take on other jobs in the future..

you may even meet a friend that you relate to. i'd just be friendly and show interest every so often so that you make yourself heard but you dont have to be a chatterbox

next time you go for an interview or you are offered a role then remember your priorities and that initially its going to be uncomfortable until you become used to the people, but that goes for every other person out there, so its not just you its everyone.

'to deliberately put myself into a mood.'


I get what you mean... i hold myself back from things that i know will have a positive outcome just so i can stay in this depressing bubble.

I dont why i do it, i guess its cz i dont any better. I had depression at a very young age, and for so long. So now i dont want to give it up, cz its been a huge part of my life for a long time.

Is that kind of the thing you were trying to say....that a little part of you wants to stay in that bad mood?

market.garden said:

I did it partly because the idea of working with new people is terrifying to me, but also, because there's a self destructive side to me that does irrational, regrettable things just to deliberately put myself into a mood. So I had a chance at getting paid work and deliberately ruined it.

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No, I think you just did it because you were afraid, not because of self destruction. If you wanted to self destruct yourself, you wouldn't be here complaining that you wish you weren't destructing yourself.
What you are doing is the same thing I have been doing for too long, but which I am trying to change now. I don't know what to call it, but I read somewhere someone called it "flinching". In brief, you are (often unconsciously) doing a lot of simple little things that are like "flinching", just to move away from something you are afraid of. Every time someone looks at you in the eye and you turn away, every time someone calls and you would like not to answer, every time you make up excuses, every time you choose a different route because you don't want to pass near a certain places or person, etc... you are "flinching".
We are scared, we are anxious, mainly because we have no self esteem, and so to avoid trouble we just "flinch", making our lives even worse, getting depressed once we realize we are not doing what we've been dreaming of, and we don't know why.
Now we know why. Just try to pay attention to all those little odd things you do. Note that most of them are probably habits now, so you do it unconsciously, but try to spot those odd behaviors. You'll be amazed to find out how many times a day you "flinch".

Jodie-Tyler said:

'to deliberately put myself into a mood.'
So now i dont want to give it up, cz its been a huge part of my life for a long time.

Is that kind of the thing you were trying to say....that a little part of you wants to stay in that bad mood?

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Hit the nail on the head Jodie. Exactly.

Nicholas: I wasn't complaining, just wondering if anyone else does or has done something like that before. Like Jodie-Tyler said, there's a part of you that wants to stay in a mood.

I'll more than likely accept the next offer I get, but part of me almost enjoyed turning the other one down. Hmm. Anyways, back to the job search!

Ive turned my nose up to lots of jobs in the past, also walked out on a few. Ive been in that situation to, living at home with no money. I was too scared to apply for any jobs and also too scared to go to the job centre and claim benefits so I was getting nothing.

The idea of a full time job sounded great to me, could buy anything I ever wanted, get more independence and pay rent to keep my parents happy. They where all dreams to me reality is I was shit scared to go and ask for a job. I see people my age now in full time work brand new cars, then I see myself...im not that jealous to be honest I dont have to get up early and slave away I have my own werid world

I had to make alot of excuses to my parents about why I havent found a job or signed on at the job centre,I even lied and said I had a job when really I was in my hide out spot by myself. They didnt understand about my SA but there slowly getting around to it now