Dealing with depressed friends and family

Has anybody had any experience with dealing with a depressed or troublesome friend of family that they'd like to share?

I'm having a problem with my dad, and as my dad never visits this site and none of you really know me I figure it's ok for me to write about him. He's suffered from clinical depression most of his life. We're currently renting a place together, but living with my dad, especially over the last few months, has become increasingly difficult. He seems to have great difficulty grasping basic finance. His outgoings are consistently more than his incomings. Since my mum divorced him, he'd been living off his savings, but he's used them all up now and has nothing left. Yesterday he asked to borrow money from me. I said the best I'd be willing to do is to give him an advance on the next two months rent [that way I know I'll get the money back]. I've been pretty frank with him and told him the bottom line is that he has to get his outgoings less than his incomings, and so he has to make some cutbacks, but he seems to be totally unwilling to do that. He smokes, drives a beamer, owns a decent motorbike among other things. He seems to think that because of all the hard work he's done in life, that he deserves this lifestyle, which I've told him many times that I fully agree! He's the hardest working person I know! But I've also told him that that's not how the real world works, you can only spend what you have. Basically I'm really worried about the coming few months, because eventually there's gonna be bills that he just can't pay, and I'm gonna have to say no to loaning him anymore money, and I think it may get ugly.

For the last few years my dad has consistently been the number one worry in my head every day. It's not just his financial problems, but his whole outlook on life that worries me. Every day he grumbles about how much he hates his job and how everybody else has it better than him, and how lonely and depressed he feels. Every day I can see the pain and misery in his demeanour, and it's really difficult to take. Every day I pray that he'll find peace and happiness somehow. It's just really difficult to see someone you love going through so much pain, especially when they appear to be inflicting a lot of it voluntarily upon themselves. My dad is so self destructive that living with him is like watching a suicide in slow-motion.

I think the hardest part is when he tries to drag other people down with him, especially as that other person is usually me! He digs himself into all this trouble, then asks others to help him out and I guess what I'd really like to know, is where does my responsibility lie in all this? Where should I put my bounderies up? I've read some websites that suggest I have very little, if any, responsibility, and any help I can offer is a blessing, but I don't agree with that. I feel, as he's my father, I have more of a responsibility than that, seeing as he raised me for the first 18-odd years of my life.

I guess the killer question is this; if you were watching someone destroy themselves right infront of your eyes, but they were begging for help as they were doing so, how much of yourself would you be willing to sacrifice in order to help this person?

Hmmm, this is a tough one. I will think this over for a while before responding fully. In the meantime, would he take to doing something online such as moodgym?
MoodGYM: Welcome

oh nice find! cheers! Yea he might do, I'll bear it in mind. Thanks

Don't feel reply indebted btw, but any help anyone can give is appreciated.

A big change could happen here if you (or someone else?) sits down with him and works out a budget. Excel works well for this. I've done this with a student to good effect. If you feel that you have a responsibility, then be firm and play the 'parent' part. Many adults just have never grown up and still benefit from having people tell them what to do. Finally, give yourself regular breaks, say to him that you've heard enough for now and to leave it to after the weekend, or whatever

Your situation is awful but I'm not sure what you meant by scarifice what?

Try keep your head up.

I agree with Phocas, go through the budget with him. I did this with a friend and it really opened her eyes.. We just sat down and went through it on a piece of paper.
How much is _electricity_? How much is _heat_? (The basics first!! what can't be changed)
How much is food, approximately? (Then, what can be perhaps changed.)
What's the bottom line? Then, the luxuries...
Can any newspapers or subscriptions be cancelled or changed? Is there a cheaper phone/internet/TV service? (You might need to research this)

If he's continuously counting on you, hm? Do you have regular income or not so steady? Are you trying to save up for (holidays/car/education/dating/girlfriend/your own family someday)?
Maybe present him your own budget and your wishes/dreams too?
He's had a life and a family after all, you deserve a life too!!

I heard insurance on motorbikes is very expensive, not sure if over there too?
You can ask him, what he'd rather give up? Where could he economize easiest? (maybe giving him a few choices)

You could also think about where you'd draw the line, and what options you have... Can you move elsewhere if the bills are not paid etc? Maybe this could 'sober him up' too?
(My uncle didn't give up alcohol on his own account - the relatives had to 'push' him a bit - they said that if this keeps going on then it's a question if they'll still be coming to help with work on the farm anymore etc..)
Your Dad is addicted to money and maybe doesn't know he can have fun with little or no money too? Can you and he make a list of 'fun things for free'? (eg walk in the park, going to a museum/art gallery/open air free event/concert...?)

Maybe you can also get him to read some books on basic finance, there are a few out there... Or go to a seminar or any financial advisor? (might wanna go with him though, and google'em up first to see that they are legit and good for this kind of problems. Maybe ask at the moneysavingforums?)

Also, how about hooking him up with a nice older lady who can economize well? Okay, maybe he'd prefer a younger one, just make sure she's not a gold digger? Maybe he'd listen to someone like that easier than to a son?

Does he go to any kind of club or society, does he have any hobbies? (apart from the motorbike/driving?) If not, you might try to introduce him to some people or get him to join a club or charity, maybe go volunteering? (Tell him he might meet nice ladies there? ) Just make sure he doesn't sign any money to them (if he doesn't have it), and just helps 'in person'! He needs things that are 'for free' and give you a sense of satisfaction too.. Does he go for walks? Walks every day can cure depression, and it's a way to meet people too!! Maybe there's a local walking/hiking non-profit or unformal group? Maybe you both can join? It's healthy for the whole body!

Thanks so much for the responses. [Feathers you are a legend! ]

phocas said:

A big change could happen here if you (or someone else?) sits down with him and works out a budget. Excel works well for this. I've done this with a student to good effect. If you feel that you have a responsibility, then be firm and play the 'parent' part. Many adults just have never grown up and still benefit from having people tell them what to do. Finally, give yourself regular breaks, say to him that you've heard enough for now and to leave it to after the weekend, or whatever

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Thanks phocas. Yea I've mentioned a few times that he really should write out a budget, but it's very difficult to get my dad to do anything! He's very set in his ways! But what you said about many adults never growing up, that really rings true, cause in many ways my dad really is very immature. So I think, next opportunity, I'm just gonna grab a pen and paper and write out a budget there and then right infront of him and just get it done!.....he may find it patronising but it's worth the risk.

Liam17 said:

Your situation is awful but I'm not sure what you meant by scarifice what?

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I guess things like time, money, energy etc. i.e. when someone you love is in financial trouble, how far would you be willing to dip into your own savings to help them? Or when someone is depressed and wants to offload their feelings onto you how much of your own time and energy are you willing to give up to listen to him/her? Where do you draw the lines? How much is too much?

Feathers said:

You could also think about where you'd draw the line, and what options you have... Can you move elsewhere if the bills are not paid etc? Maybe this could 'sober him up' too?
(My uncle didn't give up alcohol on his own account - the relatives had to 'push' him a bit - they said that if this keeps going on then it's a question if they'll still be coming to help with work on the farm anymore etc..)

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Thanks so much for the advice feathers! It's all really helpful.....yea, you know, thinking about it, I reckon my Dad is probably the kinda guy who might need a push....He has so much fear in his heart that he doesn't want to face. He's avoided things and taken the easy way out his entire life, so I think he'll probably allow things to get pretty dire before he has no option but to face his fears and make some changes.

I have been thinking about moving out...it'd probably make my life a lot easier....but it would totally screw my dad cause he relies on my rent and he hates living alone....but it is an option if things get bad, and I agree, it'd probably give my dad the kick up the bum that he needs. Although the last time dad was "kicked up the bum" [the divorce], he attempted suicide, so I'd have to tread carefully.

Most of the other things you suggested I've actually already proposed to my dad many times! Although they're great suggestions and it's nice to know I wasn't the only one to have thought of them. The problem is, it's extremely hard to get my dad to do anything. He is so set in his ways. This is what's so frustrating for me and all my family. We can clearly see that just taking walks would help him massively, or quitting smoking, or joining some clubs, meeting some new people, seeing a financial advisor, making a budget, etc etc etc. But he just seems to be totally unwilling to change, and after a while it's like, what more can we do?

But I think giving him a bit more of a push could really help.....and also I really need to try to watch my guilt levels. If I don't do enough to help, I'll feel like a bad person. But if I do too much I'll waste my own life. So I need to get the balance right.....but I'm doing ok for now!

I'm going through a similar experience with a person close to me, although it's not my father in my case (who fortunately for me is a very responsible person). There are no easy solutions for such problems, at least I haven't found them.
All I can advise you is to try to keep the finance as tight as possible, because these are no easy times, and it would be terrible if you yourself ended up in financial problems due to someone else. That's what I'm trying to do, although it's not really working yet.
I'm not really up to doing the story in public here, but I could send you a message.