Dating a Guy with Social Anxiety

Hi! I joined this forum, in hopes to get some answers and a better understanding of social anxiety. I have been dating a guy with social anxiety now for 5 months. I adore him and think the world of him. He is a sweetheart and treats me very good. He has tried to explain his feelings of social anxiety to me, but struggles. I know he gets really nervous around my friends and family. He also struggles with communicating his feelings. At times he can get frustrated and just shut-down.
We currently live 2 hours away which limits our time together. I have the summer off, although he is typically finding other things to do so that he does not have to spend time with my friends/family. I understand that it is hard for him to feel comfortable in those situations, but family and friends are very important to me. While I love him deeply, I want to know if anyone has suggestions on how to make him feel more comfortable with my friends and family????
Also, is there a way to help him communicate more with me? Every night we talk and we try and ask each other at least three questions. To get to know each other on another level. These can range from “What’s your favorite Italian dish?” to “What’s your feelings in the upcoming 2008 debate?” Just a game we play to make things easier for us both to communicate better with each other. Does anyone have any suggestions to help here too?
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope I can use your comments to understand and answer my questions about Social Anxiety.

Its just important for him to be around and even showing up to your families gatherings with you even if he's uncomfortable, so he needs more exposure to feel comfortable even though he's shy and anxious, occasionally if its too intense and in your face he may feel like running away, not from you but from being too close to your family too fast ..

perhaps a little alcohol to loosen him up or just some re-assurance from you could be a temporary solution ..

if he's anything like me and your family are lets say mostly succesful in their social life, career life, everything... then he may feel intimidated until he comes around to knowing them better over time ..

as shallow as this seems, its a little easier knowing that other people have weaknesses too ..he needs to be positive and try to relax when in the company of your friends, family, but its never easy being new to a clique of people so he may not be too outspoken for a while, i dont know, you mayhave more of an idea there ...

ive always found girlfriends families, siblings, cousins, parents a double edged sword, sometimes we get along well other times its like walking in on a tight knit clique with inside jokes that have been running for years and years and you feel like your intruding unless you understand what is being said and often trying to fit in can be a little forced, so i had to just be "myself" not try so hard to gain respect ..and that is to be expected when your new to a group of close people that have known each other for years and years ..

its healthy exposure for him but its very scary at first ..

there are valid reasons to why peoples personalities and mindsets work a certain way, and alot of it is the environment they grew up in and what they've been exposed too to that period in their life, it doest define them as they can always change in other directions ..a chatty person can go more on the shy side and a shyer person can turn chatty from "eye opening" awakenings, experiances that pop up in life ...or an educating experiance ... and its slightly to do with genes running in the family but thats not entirely a defining factor, no personality trait is static or set in stone, people can always change ...

Thanks for responding! I really appreciate it. I really am trying to get him more motivated to go out with family and peers. I am actually moving closer to him by the end of the month. I was thinking about talking to him about getting out atleast once a week. Maybe like a movie, or putt-putt. Something simple, but something to get him up and going. Does that sound like too much to ask from him?

i wrote a little more above regarding the psychology of it too,
i think trying to motivate him can only be a positive thing for the relationship, he'll build more confidence knowing that you care ..

try and discover his hobbies interests, so just say he's into films, as you suggested movies are a great idea, if he's into music, suggest concerts or festivals ...if he likes cars, car shows or events ..try and link it all up, and hopefully he'll mutually show the same interest in you and your hobbies :!:

Good ideas! Thanks Richey! Quick question....do you know any good books I read on the topic? Or good websites? I have been searching around, but ya know, you never know what is good/bad information. Thanks

From some personal experience:

The problem for me when having a social occasion is not really the people, but the amount of exposure. I do like people, but mostly in small batches, or for short periods. And that is where 'normal' people tends to get upset with me, because after a while, I really need to withdraw for a while just to recharge my batteries in an absolutely non-threatening environment, but since they don't feel any stress, they can't see why I want to withdraw.

And then I get accused of being unsocial.

I would recommend that you try during a social occasion just to help him to get to a room where he can be alone and relax for a while. Preferably one with a lock. :twisted:

Hoppy said:

The problem for me when having a social occasion is not really the people, but the amount of exposure. I do like people, but mostly in small batches, or for short periods. And that is where 'normal' people tends to get upset with me, because after a while, I really need to withdraw for a while just to recharge my batteries in an absolutely non-threatening environment, but since they don't feel any stress, they can't see why I want to withdraw.

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YES! SO GLAD SOMEONE BROUGHT THIS UP! I feel the same. It is quite frustrating, I think. even when I am around people whom I am comfortable with AND I WANT TO BE THERE, there is always a point where it becomes "too much". It is a distressing feeling because I don't notice it in anyone else, and it seems like a kind of abnormality to me.

jessbehl said:

Hi! I joined this forum, in hopes to get some answers and a better understanding of social anxiety. I have been dating a guy with social anxiety now for 5 months. I adore him and think the world of him. He is a sweetheart and treats me very good. He has tried to explain his feelings of social anxiety to me, but struggles. I know he gets really nervous around my friends and family. He also struggles with communicating his feelings. At times he can get frustrated and just shut-down.
We currently live 2 hours away which limits our time together. I have the summer off, although he is typically finding other things to do so that he does not have to spend time with my friends/family. I understand that it is hard for him to feel comfortable in those situations, but family and friends are very important to me. While I love him deeply, I want to know if anyone has suggestions on how to make him feel more comfortable with my friends and family????
Also, is there a way to help him communicate more with me? Every night we talk and we try and ask each other at least three questions. To get to know each other on another level. These can range from “What’s your favorite Italian dish?” to “What’s your feelings in the upcoming 2008 debate?” Just a game we play to make things easier for us both to communicate better with each other. Does anyone have any suggestions to help here too?
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope I can use your comments to understand and answer my questions about Social Anxiety.

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Idk, trying to explain to your family his condition, and making them accept it. So if he acts weird or anxious they'll know is from sa, plus he wont have to act around them. And he just withdrawals they'll know is because of that and not him being rude.