Criticism - Don't Take it Personally

I just ignore people who try to pull that crap on me. The book is right - they're just trying to make themselves look better at my expense. What people don't realize is that I won't give them the satisfaction. What I've heard that most are things that start out with "You should..." or "You need to..." and are given without my asking. My constant reply to such comments is "oh". That keeps their babbling down to a minimum.

As an artist. I deal with criticism all the time. It can be very damaging to you. It can make you very timid and really hurt your self esteem. It can even cause a lot of fear in you. Making you very phobic and antisocial. And unfortunatly it's not really that easy to just ignore it. And not let it bother you.

Very good advice!! For everyone, but esp. people with SA!

Those of us with SA tend to take criticism as a personal threat....as an insult of us as a person, when really its just a suggestion for ONE aspect that could be changed.

And remember that people without SA have their issues too, maybe some one is just saying something about you, to make themselves feel better. It may not even be true. So dont let thinking that it is make you feel bad or upset, cause youre the only one that will suffer from it.

http://www.selfgrowth.com

Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive - By Sharon Ellison




In an actual war, to be attacked means to have our survival threatened. Thus, we might chose between surrender, withdrawal, or counterattack. When we feel attacked (criticized or judged) by others in conversation, we often move into that same kind of survival mentality and automatically defend ourselves. But conversation is different than war. When we defend against criticism, we give more power to the criticism and the person dishing it out than is warranted.

While we might need to set some limits if someone is verbally abusive, I think we often ward off criticism far too soon, discarding anything that is valid, as well as what is invalid. The person's words may hurt, but they will hurt less, I think, if we ask questions, decide which pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don't agree with. We can just think about it, we don't have to fight it as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon. I watch people's self-esteem increase simply from becoming less defensive in the face of criticism and judgement. Besides, we may find a priceless gem in with some junk.


The War Model: When someone attacks, you surrender, withdraw, or counterattack

The Non-Defensive Model: Ask questions, decide what you think, and then respond!


The remainder of this article will demonstrate how to respond non-defensively to criticism by giving examples for parents, couples, and professionals. While the examples are specific to a certain type of relationship, the information is valuable in any relationship. For example, dealing with harsh tones or "pay-backs" can happen with children or adults, at home or at work.

Parents: Are You Letting Your Child Speak Harshly to You? Or Putting Up With Criticism Because of Guilt?

As parents, we often love our children so much and simultaneously feel inadequate to meet all their needs. They sense this and can learn early how to make us feel guilty as a way to get what they want. I hear so many children, starting at a young age, speaking in harsh critical tones to their parents. Ginny may simply say "You know I hate peas!" Sam might shout "You never want to let me do anything with my friends!" The judgment might be more deeply critical of your choices, such as, "You made dad leave! You should tell him you're sorry so he'll come back."

When we respond to our child or teen or even our adult child's criticism, if guilt has a hold on us, we may "take it," and even apologize, or try to explain ourselves so he or she understands why we behaved in a certain way. If we are over our own edges, we may lash back.

What I think we can do instead is to separate the tone of the judgment from the content of what is being said. We can say to Ginny, "If you don't want peas, I still want you to tell me gently." Or, "If you speak to me harshly, then I'm not going to answer. If you speak respectfully, I'll talk to you about this."

Then, if that child, teen or adult offspring does talk without harsh judgment, we can, if it is appropriate, offer to discuss the situation. In this way, we can not only refuse to cave in to undue criticism, we can model for our children how to (a) talk about what they need and feel without being judgemental, and (b) respond with a blend of firmness and openness even when someone speaks harshly to us or them.

Couples: Avoid the "Pay-Back" When One of You "Gets Critical"

When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a "ledger of offenses" that we have accumulated with each other. And what I do that offends you often prompts the reaction in you that offends me. So when you criticize me, your partner, it reminds me of what you do that "makes" me react that way. And so the counterattack game begins. "Well, I wouldn't have to react this way if you didn't always . . ." Or, "Look at you criticizing me for having a double standard. Haven't you ever looked in a mirror?!"

Instead, if we listen to the feedback, however judgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it applies to us or not, then we don't have to retaliate immediately and intensify the conflict. Later, during the same conversation, or perhaps even at another time, we can ask the other person (if we are sincerely curious and not point-proving) "Do you think your sarcasm (for example) contributed in any way to how I reacted?" Or, "Do you think you ever (for example) have double standards-or do you think you don't?" We can bring up related issues, if we create a transition period and deal first with the one our partner brought up.

To remain non-defensive, we must separate how we take accountability ourselves from whether or not the other person chooses to do so at any given moment. When we need to prove our partner is as "bad as we are" or worse, we are neck-deep in the muck of power struggle. In non-defensive communication, we address the issue the other person has brought up trusting that we can bring up our own issue later. Doing so can give both partners a "hearing aid."

Professionals: Drop The Game of Passing the Blame and Enhance Others' Respect

In professional relationships how we get our own work done is often dependent on how well other people do their jobs. So, frequently, when we receive criticism it is easy to "pass the buck" and justify why we had difficulty with our part based on how others contributed to that difficulty.

Instead of starting out by shifting blame or making excuses, even if we think the problem was caused by a co-worker, we can ask questions, such as, "What would you suggest I do differently next time?" or, "Were you aware that I had to get the materials from Jane before I could finish the project?" Or, "If she doesn't have her part of the project to me on time, how would you suggest I deal with it?"

If the feedback is about your own performance and not related to what anyone else has or hasn't done, you can just start by asking for more information. You can ask for additional details about how the supervisor or co-worker sees your attitude and behavior. Then, if there are points where you disagree, you can still use questions, such as, "If you think I shouldn't have criticized the quality of George's work on the project, are you saying I should just accept however he does it?" Or, "Are you saying I should just accept how he did it, or do you think it was how I said it?" Or, "Do you think there is any way I can let him know when I think the quality needs improvement?" At some point you may wish to disagree with part or all of what the person is saying. However, if your initial response to criticism is to gather more information, I think you will gain professional respect. Also, if the other person is off-base, your questions may prompt her or him to re-think the criticism.

Building Wisdom and Gaining Respect

For most of us, responding to criticism without defending our selves has meant being "defenseless," caving in, losing face, feeling bad about ourselves. On the other hand, responding defensively has meant being harsh, closed, shutting others out. This is a no-win choice. We look bad and undermine our own self esteem either way. If we can learn to respond to criticism with true non-defensive openness and clarity, asking questions, stating our position, and setting limits when needed, we can build our own wisdom and garner the respect of both the children and adults in our lives.

This article is based on Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.






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Sharon Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, has written a number of helpful articles for individuals seeking information on relationships, psychology, parenting and mental health. She is a founder of Ellison Communication Consultants, of Oakland, California, and an award-winning speaker and internationally recognized consultant.

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I read somewhere, that people with anxiety disorders are more sensitive to negative feedback, criticizim, rude comments, etc. What i also read, is that when you do get criticized, to firstly remember one very important thing. That thing is this...it is really just another person's opinion. You can choose to be angry, upset, hurt, sarcastic, resentful. You can also choose to blow off the comment and thank them for their input. Maybe even ask the critic what they suggest you could do to improve the ''flaw''. Sometimes tho, people can just be jerks...and they find fault in everything, especially in themselves . Remember tho, its just another person's opinion..you can ignore it or learn from it and kep flowing thru life. ALTHO, if it reallyyyyy bugs the crap out of you.....go ahead, secretly piss in their favorite coffee cup and smile everytime they take a deep, refreshing sip of coffee (knowing that you contributed the extra flavor ). ciao.


http://www.selfgrowth.com <<<this is another very good website, lots of stuff to look over , with the intention of helping yourself think :idea: in a better way.----savage beagle.

Savage_beagle,

In my experience of using chat rooms i have percieved the reaction or non-reaction of when someone sends a post.

I understand you want to help others, this is great for you and us, however, you need to think about how the posts with the messages you send are being taken.

People like finding out for themselves in a subtle way, it makes them feel like they have searched for and found/not found what they are looking for. When advice is given or information cast upon a group when not expected or not asked for it usually results in two things.

1) People reject it because they feel its being forced upon them.
2) People start to avoid the input or feel intimidated by it.

As you sent the post about criticism, this will deirectly challenge your own underlying views about how your posts are being percieved. Please, if you feel like it, share your feelings with us on how you think others perceive your posts, this will give you direct experience and will greatly help you and us.

Of course what others think about you shouldnt dictate too much of how you feel about yourself but will indicate to you your skillfulness in what you perceive other people really need.

Jack

who wants me to stop posting?

ummmm....hmmmmm....??? I assume people log on and join a forum such as SOCIAL PHOBIA WORLD in search of some kind of answers and advice. I know i did and i still do from time to time. Sometimes, i find interesting articles and being a very helpful person by nature, i enjoy passing on positive and well written articles. I do so because i truly hope it helps out or offers a spark of motivation. Just like anything on the internet, if something offends you or disinterests you, you can simply click it off or move onto to something better. Nothing here is forced, there is no grand deception or malicious attempt. I am not offended by your post, Jack, but i am unclear of what you are saying. I dont think i posted anything harmful to anyone, and that is never my intention. Anyone else put off by my posts? It isnt a big deal to me, i can stop and just read what others write, but some kind of feedback would be nice, negative and positive. Anyways, everyone have a great day and enjoy your weekend. Bye for now

Hehe....

If people ask for help or advice and they really just wanna hear
"yeah i totally understand", "i really sympathise with you" etc etc,
why don't they just say that then?

If someone "feels" that something is being forced upon them, maybe
they should think about maybe what they "feel" is wrong...

Savage-beagel

I am merely trying to help you help other people better.

A great deal of skill is needed in helping anyone because after all, we can only guess how others will react or what they need to hear.

My suggestion to you is that if you do really want to help, as I am positive you do, then all you need to do is speak from your heart. It appears as though these articles have helped you in which case you have experience. Your posts would have infinite power to help people if you could put your experience to words because you have seen the truth of things yourself. You are the master of your own anxiety, an expert in social phobia, all of us have the keys to help each other understand. I believe your voice is more powerful than you realize, more powerful than articles that sound good.

Jack

um..ok!

:lol: JACK, Seems like we are having an internet argument, which is pointless. WE both agree we like to help people . Recently i cut and pasted a few articles related to this forum. If you look back at my posts, you will find i have many times posted my own personal thoughts and opinions and replies to others comments. Thanks for the input, glad we cleared that up and lets move forward.

Savage-beagel,

Thanks. This has helped me in giving my opinion to the group. We can both learn from this.

All,

As these posts are a good example of trying to help and learning to understand criticism, I would just like to add a few words for the benefit of the group.

I feel the best way you can help anyone at all is by learning to have /keeping a calm controlled and happy mind.

After all, whether people receive help from our advice/positive criticism really depends on how they view it.

You can give the best advice in the world but at the end of the day, a person chooses how it is interpreted.

We have two choices in how we respond to anything anyone appears to say to us:

1) We can be annoyed, upset, learn nothing and react blindly or
2) We can choose the most beneficial thing to believe, viewing it as a way to improve our self and to help others.


So when it comes to others criticizing us we can learn from it, gain insight into our self without feeling crushed or we can become negative, bitter and forget that others generally feel much worse than we do.

Being criticized then ceases to become a bad thing, there is no need in taking it personally. We can see the other person as a great help in learning to become stronger, more controlled etc.

Jack