Contacting friends / past friends.

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IcarusUnderWater2 said:

once upon a time i had friends.

But... i never actually initiated meeting up etc... i always left them to do it.

If they didnt phone me etc then i felt offended but i would then automatically say to myself "i don't need them anyway"... and the cycle of elitism and self segregation began.

I never had the guts to ask friends to do things... partly because i was afraid that they would say "i already have plans, sorry" and then i would feel very alone and ANGRY. I never learnt the art of inviting myself along to things.

It must have been such hard work being friends with me because i gave little in the way of initiating contact. I actually made it hard work for them too because thoughts of meeting up made me nervous and they would end up asking me 5 times before i gave a definite answer.

I am not sure how to break the cycle. If i contacted my ex best friend he would probably be pleased to meet up... but by me making myself ask him i would be admitting that i am not the centre of the universe as it were and my ego/personality can't handle it.

so basically...

on one hand i am pretending that i am really successful and this anti social behaviour is part of the process of success.

on the other hand i can see how flawed my logic is but i am too scared/stubborn/insecure to do anything about it.

oh jeezuz my mind is overloading with thoughts :wink: 8O

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wow, I just had this problem today. i messaged my friend online and asked her about something. she said she was looking for something to do tonight and instead of saying "im free if you want to do something" i just continued the conversation. i hvae no idea why i didnt say anything as much as i wanted to...i think im over thinking things gahh

i never ask people to do things for the same reasons. if they say they have to do somtehing then i feel like theyll know ill be all alone and feel sorry for me, so i segregate myself from my friends. i feel like its all my fault

I have alot of the same thoughts. You have to ignore them and just pick up the phone and call. Or you will just end up with more regrets and no friends in the process. Easier said than done. But you have to look at the positive aspects. Just do it. Don't give in to fear.

man, this is one of my biggest problems too. And also, i just don't know what to do even when i want to invite people out.

I hate it, absolutely hate it if I want to do something and no one calls me cuz then i'm afraid if i call them they will be busy or doing something else and i'll be mad as hell and then i'll have nothing to do.

It happened on Monday everyone was busy and i texted my friend since he never does much and he was studying for an exam which was 4 days away and turned me down so naturally i was mad. anyway later on msn i told him i won't call anymore and he told me to stop being such a woman about it. :evil:

Me too!!! Its such a horrible feeling. I have the phone numbers of a couple of people and I never call them. I have no idea what to say to them. I never have anything going on or anything to invite them to.

I'm like this, too. I fear too much that the other person won't want to hang out with me, or that if we did hang out it would be awkward. Part of being a friend is making the effort to contact them. It's weird, if a friend doesn't contact me in a while, I think "they don't like me anymore", but I often go long periods without contacting them.

I feel like I'm bothering them.

dan_e said:

I feel like I'm bothering them.

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Ditto... Ive met some wonderfull people in my life,in real life and through places like this site,but im that insecure I push them away thinking im only going to get let down in the long run or the person isnt going to like me.And even when i do take that chance and speak to people I feel fake because i cant be the "real" me cos im too obsessed with how im coming across :? It's horrible isnt it.

Anyway back to the original topic.. as with most things i think honesty does wonders.. I recently had a mate move up near me,and we use to be like best buds untill my anxiety messed things up ( i even lived with him for a while).

So with him being close to me we got in touch again,and he was like come round on such n such a day ect ect And i was like yeah sure im up for it... the day would come and id even feel really gittery,or down with my depression and wouldnt go.

Next time id see him there would be tension... and i finaly sent him a msn message saying somthing along the lines of that he was my mate always had been and it wasnt cos i didnt want to go round,I tried explaining about my anxiety which im not sure he really understood tbh.But the point being things are a lot better... he doesnt take it personaly if i dont turn up I think he knows now its because of my problems rather than because he's not my mate or whatever.I know our problems are absolutley crippling at times... we do have to remember people widout anxiety can be just as sensative as us If we dont explain to them why...how can they know? there going to come to there own conclusions.

we do have to remember people widout anxiety can be just as sensative as us If we dont explain to them why...how can they know? there going to come to there own conclusions

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An excellent point Danfalc! Very well said.

dan_e said:

An excellent point Danfalc! Very well said.

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Ta Dan lol,nice to know my rantings/vents actualy have a point and make sence sometimes :lol:

IcarusUnderWater2 said:

on one hand i am pretending that i am really successful and this anti social behaviour is part of the process of success.

on the other hand i can see how flawed my logic is but i am too scared/stubborn/insecure to do anything about it.

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This is the exact issue I'm having right now. I'm basically devoid of friends at the moment (I recently moved), but it seems I actively avoid making new friends. My excuse to myself is that I'm very selective of those I surround myself with, and I just haven't found anyone worthy of hanging out with for an extended period of time. (Please excuse my ego, don't let it crush you.)

I'm beginning to realize, however, that this is not at all realistic. I have purposely done this to myself because I can't stand the awkwardness of getting to know someone. I like having friends, but it's impossible to make friends without going through a period of making small talk (which I'm terrible at).

The friend I once considered my best I now find impossible to contact. I can't help thinking that perhaps she's avoiding me. I mean she NEVER returns my calls or anything of the sort. So now I've just kind of given up. I suppose our friendship doesn't mean as much to her as it does to me. At least not any more. But that's reality I suppose. People drift apart.

I'm way to scared to contact my old friends....they probably wouldn't want to see me anyway....I emailed her awhile ago, but she never replied.....maybe I'm not meant to have any

It is difficult.

I once confessed to a friend via e-mail that I hadn't called her just because I'm terrified of making a telephone call. Her response was, "You're crazy!" That really offended me, even though I know she doesn't know the extent of the problem and how much it can hurt.

dan_e said:

I feel like I'm bothering them.

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I don't invite myself to outings because I feel that I would be a burden and they don't really want me there. I usually turn down invitations to go anywhere with coworkers and such because I think they feel obligated to invite me because everyone else is going, and they don't really want me there, but just ask me because of pity.

Yeah! Thats how I feel too. Its a difficult thought to get past.

New friends for me.. Onwards and up.. thats my goal anyway. Old friends are part of a life I want to leave behind.

Same when im on the phone to my friend i have nothing to say and it really feels very awkward. and im thinking why did i call in the first place if i dont have anything to say. And im starting to feel inside that im loosing them as a friend.
Any Comments or advice?

This problem is bothering me so much right now :evil: ...friends have asked me whether I want to visit them, start back at past-time activities and the like and every time I find excuses and say no! I'm very self-concious about the way I look, and I just can't face up to the embarassment and the fear of how they will react once they see me (what will they say? What if they reject me?). I feel like I'm missing out on unique opportunities to 'get my life back', so to speak. It's really killing me I want to see them, I want to be social again, but I just can't do it! I can't make myself do it (the fear is that strong). %&%&/! this disease :twisted:

NB: Have you noticed how the past has this way of always coming back to you? No matter how much you try and avoid it. As if it's haunting you. I hate that.