Constant inner turmoil

I am constantly fighting with myself and it is really dricing me crazy.. everything I think about is just like a fight in my mind.
Everything in my life I am going back and forth about over and over again.
every intrusive thought..every response to it everything I do I'm just argueing with myself over and over again.

Then there is my family.. a huge issue ... it's just such a love/hate thing right now. I obviously want to get away from them so much I don't want to be around them I avoid them part of me wants to move far away and never talk to them again but then I tell myself they are kind of all I have I still "love" them even if I don't like them I don't want to just never see them at all.. even if they drive me crazy.. and then I think maybe they are right maybe it's my fault.. but it's not..I try to tell myself I don't care about what they think but obviously I do because they are my paren't I want them to love me.

then there is stress around my daughter and my boyfriend, which are the two best parts of my life but because they are the best parts of my life they cause me a lot of stress too because I am afraid of ruining the best things I have going for me.. with my boyfriend he's been really amazing with the OCD thing and all but I feel constant anxiety around him that I am going to mess everything up and overstress him with my stress from everything and I feel like I am just being a failure. With my daughter I just feel like she brings me the most joy out of everything but also I get a lot of worries and doubts because of the ocd that stress me out and make things really hard and also make me feel like a failure.

I have so many things to do so many responsibilities and the more I think of all I have to do the more I feel like a failure and don't do any of them.. : (

I don't know I am doing the best I can right now it is just really hard fighting with myself all the time and feeling so unsure about everything. I don't even feel like I know mysef anymore especially because i'm gulping down meds all day.. I know things will get better just need a little support through this rough time.

Hey, what happened to the periods at the end of the sentence?

Well...I couldn't say I understand because I don't have a child and I don't have a boyfriend right now. But I know how it is. you want to get away but at the same time you want to still be with that person because you love them. But there is really no one I actually love. I know my mom has tooken care of me and still do for now... but I just can't ever say that I love her.

I am in the state that I don't love anyone. No matter how long I have known them.

anomicdeer said:

Hey, what happened to the periods at the end of the sentence?

Well...I couldn't say I understand because I don't have a child and I don't have a boyfriend right now. But I know how it is. you want to get away but at the same time you want to still be with that person because you love them. But there is really no one I actually love. I know my mom has tooken care of me and still do for now... but I just can't ever say that I love her.

I am in the state that I don't love anyone. No matter how long I have known them.

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that's how I think all of my thoughts just run together and never stop. I use a lot of...'s because it's just like constant flowing.

you sound like your going into a panic. Try to calm down a little and maybe that will help get some perspective on things.

philly2bits said:

you sound like your going into a panic. Try to calm down a little and maybe that will help get some perspective on things.

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I don't know about going into a panic.. that's just how I think.. my brain is just at panic all the time.. *oh what a lovely day.. holy **** what if I try to stab that old lady* my brain is just always at war with itself throwing ideas back and forth and I don't know how to calm myself down..it's not my body it's just my mind it's always going it never stops and it makes me exausted.

i think i see what you mean. Every thought you have, either good or bad, will start a long chain of bad thoughts that you have to try very hard break?

1. You're not a failure. You have a job. You have a healthy, happy child. You have a boyfriend. Some people here haven't left the house in six months. How is that failure?
2. Your family don't seem terribly interested in understanding or helping and they're dragging you down. Cut them loose or go insane -- your choice.
3. If you keep obsessing about being a bad mother/girlfriend, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your boyfriend wouldn't still be around if you were THAT awful, so cut yourself some slack.

Try to RELAX. Easier said than done I know, but try. Once you move out and get your own place, things will improve. Independence is very liberating.

it's normal to be insecure. it's normal for your family to drive you crazy. you're doing fine.

sounds just like stress, ehy don't you and your boyfriend take a vacation?
i had bad stress and me and my girlfriend took a vacation and i felt much better when i came back... i think i need another vacation i am stressed again.

sounds just like stress, ehy don't you and your boyfriend take a vacation?
i had bad stress and me and my girlfriend took a vacation and i felt much better when i came back... i think i need another vacation i am stressed again.

philly2bits said:

i think i see what you mean. Every thought you have, either good or bad, will start a long chain of bad thoughts that you have to try very hard break?

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pretty much

Perfidion said:

1. You're not a failure. You have a job. You have a healthy, happy child. You have a boyfriend. Some people here haven't left the house in six months. How is that failure?
2. Your family don't seem terribly interested in understanding or helping and they're dragging you down. Cut them loose or go insane -- your choice.
3. If you keep obsessing about being a bad mother/girlfriend, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your boyfriend wouldn't still be around if you were THAT awful, so cut yourself some slack.

Try to RELAX. Easier said than done I know, but try. Once you move out and get your own place, things will improve. Independence is very liberating.

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1. thanks..I know I've got a pretty good life I guess I just tend to think I am screwing it up a lot. I know things will get easier though. I just have to be possitive. It becomes a cycle..I get stresses and think I am not doing good enough which makes me act sad and stressed and then I feel like a failure for acting that way like I will screw it up.....keeps going
2. Yeah they are kicking us out in june.. 2 choices as of now move in with a girl and her baby that I work with in san diego or move up to northern cali bay area by my boyfriend's family who is very supportive and his parents would rent a house out to us and help us.
I would love to do that I am just a little scared it's out of my comfort zone I guess.. I just want to be sure he really wants to be with me seriously before I go up north to his world ya know.. I told him that so..
Not that I have much down here.. most my family is in KY except my parents but.. yeah.. and then my job is down here but it's just a restaurant and I could transfer up there.. and then my therapist, that's what I would miss most.
but we have to go by June so we don't really have time to take our time on the decision..it's a lot of pressure.
3. yeah I know I am doing the best I can.. I know I will make it through and things will get easier I am just stressed.
and I am also really pissed at goverment services and such.. my baby has no insurance. she's late on her shots and we can't afford to get her allergy test done. we have filled out the paperwork three times. sent it in and they didn't get it so we did it there and they gave us a receipt and we still don't have insurance.. I don't know why I've called a lot they say call the caseworker I've called her like 15 times and she wont answer the only time she did she said shed call back the next day and didn't!
Trying to get child support and they sent the ****ing papers back to me..
this goverment daycare stuff isn't working out everyone tells me something diffferent.. they keep taking me off the list.
It's just so ****ing frustrating!


anyway thanks for your post perfidion it helped I just wanted to rant some more so I used my reply to you. that should make you feel special.

dottie said:

it's normal to be insecure. it's normal for your family to drive you crazy. you're doing fine.

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thanks. Honestly I think it will be a lot better when we move out and I get some things taken care of I guess things just get worse before they get better sometimes.

durda_dan said:

sounds just like stress, ehy don't you and your boyfriend take a vacation?
i had bad stress and me and my girlfriend took a vacation and i felt much better when i came back... i think i need another vacation i am stressed again.

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Im too poor. thanks though. take me to china.

Morgan01 said:

Im too poor. thanks though. take me to china.

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ha ha silly morgan, you can ake a vacation without leaving, Get a week off work, and just take long walk around your town, Walk and relax, notice the scenery. take some deep breaths, Don't worry about your work or about anything else in your life.

You can even get a hotel in your town, Kind of a waste of money but it will mak you feel more like a vacation.

Morgan01 said:

Im too poor. thanks though. take me to china.

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ha ha silly morgan, you can ake a vacation without leaving, Get a week off work, and just take long walk around your town, Walk and relax, notice the scenery. take some deep breaths, Don't worry about your work or about anything else in your life.

You can even get a hotel in your town, Kind of a waste of money but it will mak you feel more like a vacation.

yeah that sounds fun. well what I need to do is just get out of my house with my parents and get away from the stress with them. maybe I will go with my boyfriend to visit up north where we may be living to consider that idea and to take some time off.

Any advice or comments about moving up there or staying down here.. notive the post above^^^^I made replying to perfidion.

I really recognize myself in you.. I used to have these "What if I stabbed here right now" or "What is I just punched him in the face right now" thoughts.

These thoughts come from stress. Simply put.. Your body and mind have two different frequencies that they operate at. You r mind thinks that your body is losing control over itself and the result is these thoughts which purpouse is to make you aware that the body is about to lose control. However, In reality your body can't lose control.. Your mind just thinks that!=)

I managed to overcome this by slowing down my breath = meditation.. It really clears your head from all of these thoughts and it feels like you are regaining control over yourself..

Here's a video to get you started.. YouTube - Yoga and Meditation for Stress