can't ask for support properly.

-Jp

Well-known member
i can imagine it's hard to find motications for something when you don't have a life that gives you reasons to do them. i used to have problems with it in the past, i still lack motivation in some areas where i realy would like to have the motivation for.
have you considered looking for a cbt group or 1 on 1? mabey you can motivate yourself by doing these things by viewing at it like it's a step to making yourself better. arange some things for yourself. undertake, just anything, something you like to do, to have something to look foward too. this has helped me.

it's striking how much sa combined with depression can influence your motivations and preformance in life. i for example when i was in school and lived without SA for 3 months and got high grades without too much trouble and i enjoyed school, then when i became sa again i couldn't learn from the teachers talking to the class anymore (anxiety instead of concentration) and it would take me far greater effort to do my homework and learn the information. in other words i have never finished school in contrast to what probably would have happened when i wouldn't have had sa ...dreaming of where i would have ended up if that period prolonged..
 

LilMissTragic

Well-known member
Panacea, have you tried writing all your feelings down then letting your husband read it?.
I dont think your husband truly realises how bad these things affect you, I wouldn't blame him as a lot of people aren't as emotional as people with SP and seems like your suffering from depression too.
Its hard for us to talk to people about our SP especially to those we love as we expect negative responses. Once your hubby knows how you have been feeling then you can both figure out ways to help your situation.
Good luck :)
 

Fredscars

Well-known member
i agree with the getting ready earlier but as for the mirrioring and saying nasty comments..i dunno.
my boyfriend is an amazing guy..but sometimes ill be really negative about myself, list all my bad points..and he just cant seem to justify and kind of response to say im not like that. Also i know i take even the slightest thing as an insult, maybe shes the same? He might not have been intentionqlly insulting her, but like someone said we tend to be slightly more emotional.
 

Yossarian

Well-known member
What you say is true Fredascare and I guess theres not enough info to say for sure. However there is a difference between not being able to come up with something positive to say and actively saying something nasty. We all say things we don't mean though sometimes but it is worrying when people blame themselves for people being nasty to them. It's not a healthy way to think. Everyone has ultimate responsibility for what they say and do. There is never a good excuse for being nasty to someone.

Anyway I hope you can find a way to talk to him Panacea, I think lilmiss's idea of a letter is a good one. I think its very important he should know and understand how you feel. As for being late, yeah get ready earlier.

I know what you say about the lack of morivation. I think that's the biggest obstacle for me. Not sure what to do though......anyway hope it works out well for you.
 

Nightshade

Well-known member
Hi Panacea

I've been thinking about your post and feel like I want to say something in response, although whether it is any use is debatable.

I agree that writing something down to explain to your husband what you are feeling and what you need is a good idea. What I would do is have a couple of goes editing it until you have taken out as much of the subjective negative stuff and are basically sticking to the facts ("I am currently suffering from depression and this is having this effect" rather than "I feel so awful, like I am completely useless" for example). This would reduce the chances of this negative "mirroring". There are so many reasons he could be doing this, for example because this is what he believes to be true, because he is trying not to disagree with you when you are upset (using the "disagreeing with upset people can upset them more" logic), or because he is thinking that it will help you to be told these things. I don't know.

When you write down the problems, perhaps you could also write down some thoughts about what you think might help you. Other people (not just those with Asperger's) can't always tell what it is you need and may feel frustrated and powerless by your problems (I've had people tell me that I made them feel like this when I was at my worst).

It really does seem like you have depression right now, this would certainly affect motivation and your ability to do the things you are currently finding difficult. I don't know enough about you to know whether this is an ongoing problem, but it could also be post-natal depression if it got a lot worse since you had your baby.

I agree with -JP about the effect of the destructive combination of SP and depression. With an 8 month old baby and other health problems, I just can't imagine how hard that would be.

Are you receiving any medical support? Is your depression, in particular, being treated? My experience of depression is that there are a lot of things that you can do to help yourself, and that those close to you can do, but they are not a substitute for professional help.

Hope this helps you.
 

Nightshade

Well-known member
I'm sorry, I hadn't thought about the fact that you are in the US with the insurance problems there.

If it is any help, I can tell you about some of the things that have helped me with dealing with depression. I admit that I probably would have trouble dealing with it without medication, but other strategies have also helped, and in the long term, it is these that have probably made the most difference.

If you really are just writing because you need to say these things and get them out of your system, rather than looking for specific advice, please let me know, because sometimes I can be a bit overhelpful on giving advice on something that I rings a bell with me.

Take care.
:)
 

Nightshade

Well-known member
Hi Panacea

I will tell you some of the things, apart from medication, that have helped me cope with depression. I hope that some of these may be relevant to you. I apologise for the length of this post - there are a lot of things you can say about me, but concise is not one of them, sorry.

1) One of the most important things for me in managing depression is something that is so simple that people have told me that it is trite and they don't believe it is true. But it works for me.

I've nearly lots count of the number of times I've been depressed. And every single time I have got better. Sometimes when I recover I find that being depressed has done some lasting damage, such as friends who have a hard time trusting me after I act in an apparently unkind manner (I wrote an explanation of this in the thread "real problems"), or I have got the impression that co-workers and employers etc have decided that I am unstable and flakey and they don't respect my work, even when I feel I am doing well. But all of this I have managed to deal with, I have rebuilt the friendships and where I couldn't regain professional respect, had a bit of a career change.

From this I have learnt two things. 1) I may feel bad for a while, but at some point I will feel better. 2) Even if I really mess up, often there are things that I can do to put it right once I am less depressed. One of my favourite sayings is "this too shall pass" and I say it to myself and write it in my diary when I feel bad.

Basically, it helps if you can remember that depression is a treatable and temporary condition. It WILL get better.

This particular approach I have been using for 2-3 years. Even when I can't see a way to solve the problems I have, it does make me feel better.

2) The next approach is something I developed about 8 years ago. I had some help from a counsellor, but it is mostly something I worked out how to do myself. I call it psychological first aid and it is based on the idea of little bandaids/ sticking plasters being used to treat "little" problems, so that they don't become big.

One big part of my problems has been that for every little thing that I do wrong, every little stupid or insensitive thing I say, every time I blush where someone can see me, every comment someone makes that indicates something negative to me (often my interpreation rather than fact), and most particularly if I didn't seem to be doing as well in social interaction as other people, well a single one of these would really upset me and would go into a mental pattern of calling myself "idiot, moron, useless, freak" etc etc and keep myself feeling awful for days. If too many of these incidents came together, I would barely have picked myself up from one when the next happened and I started again, and the net result was an overall slide in mood down to depression.

When I realised what I was doing, I realised that I didn't actually need to punish myself. I shouldn't feel bad because I had said something that had come out wrong. A lot of what I did was just down to the way I am (outside the social phobia, I am quite an outgoing person, but not necessarily very good at thinking of others). I was just made that way, and the fact that I tried really hard meant that I was actually deserving of respect (from myself) for working hard to improve, not punishment for not being as good as I thought I should be.

So I devised a series of rewards. Initially it was important that they be tangible, but they couldn't involve spending much money or eating something too unhealthy. It might be having a bath using some nice scented bath product. It might be making orange juice by hand because it never tastes as good any other way. It might be reading a favourite book for the 20th time. It might be using a face skin care mask thing. It might be picking myself a small bunch of flowers. Lots of them were I did sometimes anyway. What was important was that in these cases I knew I was getting the reward because I messed up somehow but it was OKAY. My thoughts of suicide and punishment were replaced by "Psychological First Aid", reassurance rather than punishment (not these exact words but along this line).

"Everyone messes up. Everyone says stupid things. Everyone fails to show due consideration for others at times. Everyone feels uncomfortable in certain situations. The exact situation and the degree differs, but this is no reason to think less of yourself. You can try to do better tomorrow, or if you aren't ready, the next day. If your actions have hurt someone, then you have to do what you can to make it up, but they aren't helped by your misery, only by the kind word or action you will give them tomorrow; if your actions have harmed only yourself, then enjoy your bath and don't worry about it. It is okay. You are okay."

Since I started to understand that I do not need to be mentally punished for every small social faux pas, I have found that I have NEVER been as depressed as before I started believing this.

Actually this is a lot like some of the things in cognitive behavioural therapy (which I have just discovered after my new GP recommended it). But the tangible rewards really helped, and this method didn't actually come from a therapist.

3) I don't know the nature of your health problems, so this may not be an option, but I have found that physical things were more helpful than mental (probably because my mind was really exhausted). My brain unfortunately goes into overdrive when I walk so this isn't good when I am depressed, actually in general mindless physical activity wasn't great but if a bit of concentration was required then that helped. Fairly intensive gardening was great for me when I was so depressed I couldn't work (only happened once and a long time ago now). Gardening is something that can be done in short bursts as well.

4) I seem to have a very poor self image despite being apparently successful. I seem to need a lot more reassurance and approval than I actually get. So when someone pays me a compliment I go home and write it in my diary. Then when I read back and see that compliment I had forgotten about, I get a little help for my rather crippled ego. When I write down a compliment it is like a gift that goes on giving - it lasts 10 times as long at least!

Also I like beautiful notebooks etc and nice things that people say to you are good things to put in them.

Anyway, these are 4 things that have helped me, and to be honest they probably have made more difference overall than taking medication (although I believe that helped as well).

One other thought about the difficulties with your husband. I'm not a good adviser on sexual relationships/ marriage etc as I have never actually had a boyfriend (this is one aspect of my social phobia). But my experience from my flatmates (roommates in the US?) and friends was that when I was very depressed they often seemed to me to be acting in ways that were insensitive or unhelpful and I nearly lost a couple of good close friends when I was very depressed (I don't have that many - I can't afford to throw good friends away!!!) Anyway I found that when I got less depressed, that these relationships just improved, without a lot of effort needed to fix them, and also that in retrospect they had been finding my behaviour very strange and difficult to comprehend which didn't help them to act in the way I needed.

I still do recommend that you write something for your husband (assuming that he is good at processing written information). I can see that you can write clearly and can express your emotions in a logical way in writing. If he was able to read and digest this at a time when he was feeling calm, it might help his understanding. In fact, it may even be worth considering writing down something that you could give to your husband when you feel that your verbal comunication isn't working very well (eg I'm not feeling well right now and am finding it hard to express myself clearly. It would really help me if you did X"). Or at very least practicing some whole phrases (like the phrase I suggested writing down). I often have to rehearse phrases for various situations and helps me a lot - even in cases where the situations don't arise where I need to use the phrase, I have more confidence knowing I have a response that I can use.

Anyway, I hope that some of these suggestions might have something that you can use. I'm leaving for the annual family Christmas ordeal and I won't be back home until Jan the 1st. My chances of seeing a computer in this time are low, but do ask if there is anything I can explain better etc and I will respond when I get back.

All the best for Christmas and the New Year, and take care of yourself.

Nightshade.
 
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