Bothered by lack of attention

I came back to posting on forums and trying to talk to people online, because I was lonely and in an emotional crisis. I still am and I expect I will be having this crisis for a while.

So when people reply to my posts, or otherwise contact me, and say "I'd like to chat, I can relate," and so on, I'm expecting they're truthful.

Just a couple days ago I had a nice chat with someone who had similar issues to mine. Today I tried emailing this person, and my message bounced, their profile is deleted and I will never be able to contact them again. Right now, when I'm relying on the internet for socializing, that hurts.

Even the fact that half the time I post here, I'm just not seeing enough responses, that bothers me. It's probably that this is just not a busy forum, but still, it bothers me.

Consider when I don't want attention, I don't want any, I'm closed off and don't want the potential pain of online socializing gone awry or people disappearing on me. But when I do want attention, I seriously do want it, and it hurts when it's just not there. Once that gets bad enough, then I've had it, and I leave all the forums and cut off from everyone. But don't get the wrong idea, I'm not trying to say I'm important.

I'm just saying, pretty soon I will retreat again, because it's starting to become more trouble than what it's worth. I'm not saying this forum is the problem, I'm saying people are in general. Don't say you want to chat, if you don't!

Maybe they thought you were creepy, but just didn't want to tell you because they were afraid of getting into an argument or things turning nasty.

And thinking you're entitled to get whatever you want from people whenever you want it from them is just going to make it even harder to have friends.

I think as social beings, people need attention, especially us, who always feel lonely. But the reality isn't something we can control. Sometimes you have to accept, and be glad with what you have. It's like you should be happy that your posts got replies, because some others's posts didn't even have one.

Bronson99 said:

I'm just saying, pretty soon I will retreat again, because it's starting to become more trouble than what it's worth. I'm not saying this forum is the problem, I'm saying people are in general. Don't say you want to chat, if you don't!

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Someone starting a conversation with you doesn't owe you something because of it. There is A LOT of bored random people using the minichat box, and if you're not entertaining enough, they will just drop the conversation (as well as the 10 others that they attended to start) without telling you and go play video games. You should not take this personal, because this is not.

You do whatever you want with this advice, but I think a good idea would be to find a way to be satisfied enough with yourself and who you are so that you don't need others to aknowledge your existence so much anymore. You might even become happy. Just my opinion but I think that, for people like us who are introverted and non-sociable beings, learning to be independent is a very important thing to learn.

Odo said:

Maybe they thought you were creepy, but just didn't want to tell you because they were afraid of getting into an argument or things turning nasty.

And thinking you're entitled to get whatever you want from people whenever you want it from them is just going to make it even harder to have friends.

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What is creepy about him? I don't know the OP but from that one post, he doesn't come across creepy at all.

As for being entitled to whatever he wants - He never demanded anything. He simply tried to make a friend and the person disappeared without a word. He never said he was entitled to anything from anyone. He's upset because he's fed up of people starting off a friendship but then without any word, closing their account. That hurts, as I know from experience.

I'm sticking up for him here because I know exactly how he feels. Plus I've written posts like that on other forums in the past and have effectively been attacked for it when all I wanted was some sympathy and an ear, in a place where I thought people wouldn't jump on me like happens in so many other forums. The last thing anyone wants when they already feel down is to be criticised unfairly.

etherami said:

lol that's a bit of a mean conclusion to jump to, isnt it?

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It was only a theory...

Bronson99 said:

Just a couple days ago I had a nice chat with someone who had similar issues to mine. Today I tried emailing this person, and my message bounced, their profile is deleted and I will never be able to contact them again. Right now, when I'm relying on the internet for socializing, that hurts.

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It's never a good idea to invest much emotion into anyone you don't know very well. You set yourself up to get hurt that way.

Bronson99 said:

I'm just not seeing enough responses, that bothers me.

I'm not saying this forum is the problem, I'm saying people are in general.

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You cannot change how people in general are. You can only change yourself. If people in general aren't responding as you want, you need to learn that the response you're hoping for just isn't how people behave--and adjust your expectations accordingly.

etherami said:

ok, so it was a theory and not a conclusion. whatever, it's still not that nice to say i think XD

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Alright then, maybe the other person thought he was just so impossibly wonderful that they were intimidated and felt inferior. Or, maybe they thought that the only reason someone so amazing would be that nice to her/him was to dupe them with some horrible scam, so they panicked and realized that the only way to spare themselves from future grief was to quit the forum altogether.

Bronson99 said:

I'm just saying, pretty soon I will retreat again, because it's starting to become more trouble than what it's worth. I'm not saying this forum is the problem, I'm saying people are in general. Don't say you want to chat, if you don't!

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Pretty much nobody can help that.
Humans are very limited beings. Much more limited than they reckon, on average.

About the only options available, so far as I can tell... are to lower your expectations... and possibly your memory-span.

I won't advocate trying to get negative attention (i.e. hostility). It is much easier to get than any other sort of attention, but in places like this it tends to lead to getting banned, which sets you back to square 1.

And outside of that... folks just don't have any particular reason to talk to you in particular. They're just not interested. You don't have anything they want (a situation which is likely mutual).

Just... y'know... don't hold it against them. They can't help it.

SotiCoto said:

And outside of that... folks just don't have any particular reason to talk to you in particular. They're just not interested. You don't have anything they want (a situation which is likely mutual).

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Once again, this time in a different thread... a true motivational speaker! People with shyness, anxiety, loneliness, rejoice... this guy will inspire you!

Odo said:

Alright then, maybe the other person thought he was just so impossibly wonderful that they were intimidated and felt inferior. Or, maybe they thought that the only reason someone so amazing would be that nice to her/him was to dupe them with some horrible scam, so they panicked and realized that the only way to spare themselves from future grief was to quit the forum altogether.

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This snide attitude has got to stop. At one point, I may refer the mods to your ongoing vendetta against me.

(this time, without sarcasm)

apology expected

You should learn not to get attached emotionally to online friendships....instead of seeking online friendships try spending much time outside with real people....its much better and it will help you reduce your feeling of loneliness...


"Believing is the key to success"

crazymind said:

You should learn not to get attached emotionally to online friendships....instead of seeking online friendships try spending much time outside with real people....its much better and it will help you reduce your feeling of loneliness...


"Believing is the key to success"

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That's all very well, but many people are using these forums because they have difficulty mixing with people in the outside world. Isn't that what these forums are all about, to give a way for such people to mix with others without their usual fears?

Yoy are right in principle though, for sure. Also people online are real people of course and just occasionally they turn into "real life" friendships. Not as often as we might like unfortunately.

Yes I agree with you these type of forums are ment for providing support to people suffering from the same problem...what I ment is that the dude shouldn't spend all of his energy trying to make online friends into real life friends, he should instead try to also spend some of his energy into making friends in the real world...that effort might help him improve his SP....

"Believing is the key to success"

I Thank the trouble is many people don`t view Socializing as a skill. The Benfit of making a Onlinefriend could help prepare you and help get you set for talking to people for real. Help you learn what the does and don`t are what people like and don`t like are . Puls getting the feeling that you are liked for who you are well help set your confident for in the real world.

Zackarydoo said:

That's all very well, but many people are using these forums because they have difficulty mixing with people in the outside world. Isn't that what these forums are all about, to give a way for such people to mix with others without their usual fears?

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I don't think that's what the forums are about at all, and even if they were, it still doesn't mean that we're obligated to like each other. Being able to deal with rejection is a part of being socially well-adjusted. You might be able to argue that it's better to tell someone exactly why you find them annoying/are rejecting them, but is this a conversation that you would seriously like to have???

Don't forget that most of us here are anti-social hermits.. So you can't take it personally. We go into retreats just like you. Sometimes I go under my rock for months on end, don't talk to anybody.. Up and down with emotions so if i was chatty one day, the next day might not be the same.. Don't take it personally. If you have ever been on POF dating you might understand that you have to grow a thick skin to be there.. lol It's like training for issues like this

Relying on people to provide attention - lots of it - on demand isn't going to work. These aren't counselors or therapists who make their living off of helping other people with their problems and they certainly don't make it from being online, so what they provide will be limited and directly related to how much they have to or feel like giving. They have jobs, school, families, maybe even offline friends, energy levels, problems, distractions, obligations, and more that already drain them and take up time.

Look for solitary activities that can calm you down or boost you up when you need it. If it's about getting the words out, try journaling. Try cooking and making nice things to treat yourself. Take up writing and feel good about completing a short story or new chapter. Go for a run. Soothe yourself with the piano.

crazymind said:

You should learn not to get attached emotionally to online friendships....instead of seeking online friendships try spending much time outside with real people....its much better and it will help you reduce your feeling of loneliness...

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Personal experience indicates that online, you can pick and choose the sort of people you want to associate with... and can minimise the probability of error due to not having to do the communicating in real-time. As such, the probability of miscommunication and misunderstanding should be reduced also... in theory at least.

In counterpoint, trying to socialise in meatspace is frought with added difficulties, dangers, expenses, etc.

In other words... I strongly disagree with this aspect of crazymind's advice.
The friends I've made online have been, on average, better, more agreeable and more enduring than the few friends I've managed to make in meatspace. Definitely a better investment of time.

Bronson99 said:

Once again, this time in a different thread... a true motivational speaker! People with shyness, anxiety, loneliness, rejoice... this guy will inspire you!

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Your sarcasm does you no credit.
I have a strict policy of honesty. I do not tell lies... even if they're what people want to hear. In the end nothing beneficial comes from weaving a pleasant-sounding lie.

Tree_Hugger said:

Don't forget that most of us here are anti-social hermits.. So you can't take it personally. We go into retreats just like you. Sometimes I go under my rock for months on end, don't talk to anybody.. Up and down with emotions so if i was chatty one day, the next day might not be the same.. Don't take it personally.

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^Agree with this.

No one is obligated to do anything on the net. It is an inappropriate place to rely on other people to sooth your troubles. You will always end up disappointed.