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Old 6 Days Ago
grapevine's Avatar
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It's just driving me crazy. Aside from my own issues with him as his GF- it's his own self that I am concerned about.

He seems so unhealthy physically and behaviourally more than usual lately.

In the night times, all he wants to do is go to sleep. He gets so tired. He says he doesn't like the nighttime as he gets so bored.

He lacks any patience most of the time to sit and watch a movie and he used to be on Facebook and do that for hours on end looking up on people and blocking them and judging them with some paranoia (schizophrenic thing despite his medication)- so he doesn't go on Facebook at all anymore for weeks now because it brings out his anger all the time. He took initiative on that anyways - as he just cannot leisurely use FB like most people- it's an unhealthy thing for him.
But it creates a lot of free time that he gets lost in now.

He doesn't work at all. Tho 2 days a week in the mornings he volunteers at a 2nd hand shop on a truck helping move furniture. But he gets exhausted physically easily and doesn't want to be there for long because of that. Sometimes he doesn't go there at all.

His diet is not great. He drinks loads of milkshakes and ice coffees every day, has loads (bowls) of ice cream and has lollies in the morning. And he is a big smoker (roll your own tobacco.)

He is a muscular man but with a big bloated stomach. He takes Risperdal injection every fortnight which is a potent anti-psychotic drug. It makes people sleepy and has side effects.

Its frustrating for me because he lacks any small amount of intitiative to help himself - change his diet so that he could feel better, structure his day and find something to become passionate about for himself.

He has his electric guitar music/ heavy metal riffs and songs he does which is good- and he records and uploads his music to Youtube - but gets a bit sick from doing that all the time as his hands hurt and get stiff.

I get frustrated because he has nothing else to do but want to hang out with me- all the time and so I end up always having to place my solo stuff ( & even responsibilities) aside to be with him and do nothing but be bored with him. As there is nothing that he can dream up to do and I'm sick of being the initiator to do things. I want him to take me out and do things for me and surprise me- but he cant even do that for himself.

Its just so frustrating because even when Im asleep in the morning ( a rare occurance that I sleep at my own place) and he turns up in the morning - and Im getting ready to go to work. And then he visits me at work for 10 minutes - which is fine - but he looks so bored and sad all the time - he has nothing to do and no drive really - except when his buddy once a month comes to visit or he goes to visit him and do a jam session. Other than that - he really just is floating like a bored child on school holidays and with hardly and money too.

He just wants to be around me all the time and I hate that it is because he is bored and lonely and can't think of anything else. And I rush all the time because I sense him waiting for me all the time- yet when I go over to his place - its as if Im not even there sometimes- all he wants to do is go to sleep and its just like .. I feel unappreciated then.

I hate having to sacrifice my life for having to be with him 24/7 it feels. He wants to know how long I will be here and there politely and caringly. But it gets annoying and plays on my own anxiety and people pleasing habit.
It feels like a codependence.

Anyway- I know schizophrenia has a lot of negative behavoural symptoms but he needs structure and goals and more passion in his life. Its as if he cannot imagine or dream of these things (maybe the medication idk?).

It's so frustrating because I end up being in his lifestyle of being bored and not achieving anything much - because I'm giving up all of my time to be with him.

Im a big believer and learnt over many years how to apply yourself and set structure and goals and passion in your life - even in the misdt of depression-
I like to be doing things- and imaging things all the time.

So I just dont get him. That he cannot think of ever getting out of living in his parents garage asa 33 year old man. That going with just $20-$40 a week for himself is okay?

That depending on me to try and rid himself of his holes in his life is okay?
Im not even sure thathe can even think and analyse these things it seems.

I just really want him to try to find some happiness and structure and goals in his life and eat better and feel better physically and mentally.

But I cannot control or change him. How do I influence him and help him help himself???????

Cause it is so frustrating.
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Old 6 Days Ago
Hot_Tamale's Avatar
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Wow, milkshakes, sweet coffee, lollies, and ice cream for breakfast? How lucky...but no, seriously, there is no way that is even remotely healthy, you're right. Even without the medication he is taking he would still feel tired and sad a lot of the time because based on the limited amount of information in your post it sounds to me he is suffering from a bad sugar crash. I ate a 6-pack box of Krispey Kreme donuts in the span of 30 minutes and for 3 straight days afterwards I felt irritable, slightly depressed, and out of energy.

If your BF's lollies and other sweeties are high in processed sugars in the morning then that enters his bloodstream and shoots his blood sugar WAY up. When the body absorbs all of the sugar, converts it, and deposits it in the liver, muscles, and of course fat cells then the crash is on its way. That's what happened to me but I bet only his doctor can say how much contribution his medication is making to his low energy/drive, it might be doing more to make him tired than his bad eating habits are, idk.

Instead of telling him to eat better what about drawing a monday thru friday chart for him? If he doesn't eat better meals on 1 or 2 days or mornings out of the week then you take away his time spent with you. Or if he does not go to volunteer on "x" amount of days you show him negative reinforcement some other way?
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Old 4 Days Ago
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You complain about him all the time. Why not leave him if he's not even willing to make an effort for his own well-being?
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Old 4 Days Ago
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^^That is a legit question Grapevine. If youre not happy, then what exactly are you getting out of this that makes you wanna keep trying? Do you not think you'll be able to find anyone else if you leave or something?
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Old 2 Days Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megaten View Post
^^That is a legit question Grapevine. If youre not happy, then what exactly are you getting out of this that makes you wanna keep trying? Do you not think you'll be able to find anyone else if you leave or something?
Because I get upset, I feel for him- he is an unwell lonely man and has made (despite my ranting) quite an effort to open himself to me as much as he can within his own schizophrenic illness.

For me to say to him that Im just not getting my needs me and even the simplest of expectations and that Im just not into him and that we are highly different and that I want things in my life that he cannot give me.

It would break his heart because he has no clue. He has gone from not trusting and caring about women and relationships, being in a lonely world - to having it completely changed and opened up. It's hard to explain.

And for him to have his heart broken again- as he puts it- his story of his past - which I won't get into- but it changed him into an angry person. He went around in psychosis in 2010 in another town (where he used to live)thinking that he was going to kill people.
And he was taken into an asylum for a while. And he lost all of his childhood friends, and the community he grew up in because of it. He got severely embarrassed because he was going around with defecated pants and things like that- and didn't even realise.

So - he was left without a job and friends and moved to his parent's place (in the town I live in). And in their garage.
Where he spent many years alone watching movies and trying to deal with his trauma and illness. And then started working again. And then that is where I met him.

Now he is unemployed though.

He is sincere with me and tries to change and does change a lot in order to please me all the time. And I feel like a huge bully. Almost like an abusive relationship where I am the passive abuser.

I fear that if I break up with him, it's going to be too rough on him - he can't even see it coming at all. It could change him again and who is to say that he could turn violent? He has a slight psychopathic streak in him at times and this is a guy that had collected a room full of real life murder books and listens to heavy metal and knows every word to American Psycho film.

He still thinks he played out/re-enacted scenes from Point Break during his psychotic episodes in the past and I ask him if knows how to surf and jump out of a plane then etc.. (you get the point.) And just ignores me lol.

Anyway- my answer is that I feel like I just want everything to be okay- oay with him so I can then go away etc.. But in reality that doesnt work.

And I feel like I am in a co-dependence too - I like the low key social aspect and the feeling like an attractive woman ( I havent had those things in a very long time and it is what made me say yes to going out with him) even though there were HUGE holes in the begining ( me having to unexpectedly pay for his meals and trips to the movies and also use my car all the time.. and more and more.. and him not even realising really..).

I guess Im just not ready and have never dumped anyone and am in fear and heartbreak to do so. I feel horrible to do that and the ramifications of it.

I feel like there is a better way. Idk. Its just so so draining.

Being in a relationship with someone so ill but lacking the awareness of their illness and how they are with you..

and not getting any of your needs met- yet going out of your way for him all the time - not even getting time to yourself.

I jsut need to time to myself I guess.

And I never ever thought any guys would ever be interested in me ever for a very long time. Having someone make me feel a certain way has given me feelings of worthiness. I always thoguht that because of my illness, I would never be able to get a guy that had a career and healthy I guess. idk
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Old 2 Days Ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grapevine View Post
Because I get upset, I feel for him- he is an unwell lonely man and has made (despite my ranting) quite an effort to open himself to me as much as he can within his own schizophrenic illness.

For me to say to him that Im just not getting my needs me and even the simplest of expectations and that Im just not into him and that we are highly different and that I want things in my life that he cannot give me.

It would break his heart because he has no clue. He has gone from not trusting and caring about women and relationships, being in a lonely world - to having it completely changed and opened up. It's hard to explain.

And for him to have his heart broken again- as he puts it- his story of his past - which I won't get into- but it changed him into an angry person. He went around in psychosis in 2010 in another town (where he used to live)thinking that he was going to kill people.
And he was taken into an asylum for a while. And he lost all of his childhood friends, and the community he grew up in because of it. He got severely embarrassed because he was going around with defecated pants and things like that- and didn't even realise.

So - he was left without a job and friends and moved to his parent's place (in the town I live in). And in their garage.
Where he spent many years alone watching movies and trying to deal with his trauma and illness. And then started working again. And then that is where I met him.

Now he is unemployed though.

He is sincere with me and tries to change and does change a lot in order to please me all the time. And I feel like a huge bully. Almost like an abusive relationship where I am the passive abuser.

I fear that if I break up with him, it's going to be too rough on him - he can't even see it coming at all. It could change him again and who is to say that he could turn violent? He has a slight psychopathic streak in him at times and this is a guy that had collected a room full of real life murder books and listens to heavy metal and knows every word to American Psycho film.

He still thinks he played out/re-enacted scenes from Point Break during his psychotic episodes in the past and I ask him if knows how to surf and jump out of a plane then etc.. (you get the point.) And just ignores me lol.

Anyway- my answer is that I feel like I just want everything to be okay- oay with him so I can then go away etc.. But in reality that doesnt work.

And I feel like I am in a co-dependence too - I like the low key social aspect and the feeling like an attractive woman ( I havent had those things in a very long time and it is what made me say yes to going out with him) even though there were HUGE holes in the begining ( me having to unexpectedly pay for his meals and trips to the movies and also use my car all the time.. and more and more.. and him not even realising really..).

I guess Im just not ready and have never dumped anyone and am in fear and heartbreak to do so. I feel horrible to do that and the ramifications of it.

I feel like there is a better way. Idk. Its just so so draining.

Being in a relationship with someone so ill but lacking the awareness of their illness and how they are with you..

and not getting any of your needs met- yet going out of your way for him all the time - not even getting time to yourself.

I jsut need to time to myself I guess.

And I never ever thought any guys would ever be interested in me ever for a very long time. Having someone make me feel a certain way has given me feelings of worthiness. I always thoguht that because of my illness, I would never be able to get a guy that had a career and healthy I guess. idk
Yep...that hit me in the feels. I think I need to go lay down for a while.
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