Being a loner......

I would like to know how many of you here are loners (people who enjoy being alone and need it), what is your opinion on being a loner in such an extrovert society and how you think it is perceived by fellow human beings.

Why I want to know is because, after I made some amazing progress in overcoming SA and depression about 3 years ago, I decided to embrace my lone wolf personality and stop pretending I was something else. So when I would leave alone on a road trip for the whole week end (or entire week!), instead of pretending I went with a friend like I used to, I would say I went alone. When people would ask me why I always eat by myself in the park, I would say lunch time is meant to take a break so I prefer eating alone and read a book or something. Etc.

People seemed unsettled at first, but I was already considered as odd, shy and awkward anyway. After a while they got used to it, friends (who already knew my ways), co-workers and family, and I didn't receive so many comments anymore such as "but you don't have friends? But why don't you have a boyfriend? aren't you lonely??" etc. And now I'm pretty much liked at work.

Then, a strange thing happened. some people, in my friend circle and at work, started coming to me for conversation about how they, as well, need to be alone, and they would like to do things alone but they are scared to be judged, etc.

So I think I would like to ask this question as well: I understand that it is unsane to keep ourselves isolated when we actually long for social contacts. But isn't it unwise to raise people into thinking that spending "too much" time alone, doing activities by yourself, is unsane, when it's actually very sane for a large amount of people (the introverts)?

Not sure I expressed myself clearly, I hope so

I am a loner, I enjoy my own company. To make that realisation was very liberating for me. It's who I am, I felt immediate relief. I don't long to make social contacts, I count the seconds, minutes and hours until I can be on my own again. I don't feel deprived on my own just open to experience, free and independent in thought, not weighed down by anyone elses's expectations. Being around people is a misery to me, it so often becomes complicated and things turn to shit. Never happened when I go away on my own, preferably in anonymity like a big city fun run, or out into the bushland.

My idea of heaven is a running trail all to myself, a beach with no one on it. Next year on extended leave I want to explore a solitary lifestyle, some rest and respite from being around people at work, which is something to be endured.

I live in a country town, and it is too small for me, every one knows everyone else. I hate it, it suffocates me, and I want to get as far away from here as possible to find some solitude.

And yes, I think it is damaging to be told that its not OK to spend time alone, to be solitary. To push you to make friends, to make match making arrangements with strangers, when you are perfectly happy keeping your own company.

You're definitely not a weirdo or a nutcase for preferring to be on your own. Society does seem to find loners/recluses as unsettling and strange and sometimes to the point of derision. I don't think there's anything wrong with being an extrovert either. Both extroversion and introversion have their pros and cons. People are different in so many ways, so to expect everyone to be either an introvert or an extrovert is simply silly.

I suppose since introverts seem to be in the minority and tend to stick out more readily, being an introvert can bring about feelings of shame, guilt and insecurity. If the tables were completely turned perhaps extroverts would feel embarrassed to be so social.

I'm a loner both out of choice and out of circumstance. If I could change things, yes I would prefer to engage with people more. But being on my own has allowed me to see things from a different perspective and I would not want to be an extrovert without this. Currently being on my own is the best I can do, and I'm learning not to beat myself up for that. If I feel I'm better off on my own I'll just accept it that way.

I only really want one person in my life. Someone who I can actually learn a lot from and someone who can help me to become a better human being. If part of that process is to become more engaging and learning to cope with being around people then I would definitely not say no to that. At present the opportunities to meet someone like that are pretty much zero, but I'm more than capable of dealing with being solitary, so it's not the end of the world.

In short I do like being on my own, but there are things that you can't experience the full joy out of unless you're sharing it with someone else. In an ideal world I can have both, but since that's not the case I hope to make the most of what I have.

ive been called weird, introvert, anti-social and annoying by past friends and their friends but i like my own company and like 'me' time especially as im a girl and i also have shows/films my bf isnt interested in.

ive never had proper true nice friends and only had a few in school but we grew up and apart, had differing interests/views on life & they used me, walked all over and generally treated me like crap so i've given up on finding a friend. ideally i want a female friend as i miss girly stuff like hair dyeing, would love to be a bridesmaid and go on a hen do, go on a girly holiday and spa days etc.

i think its based on looks (to be part of the in crowd, mainstream normalites & regulars) as well as your personality and probably more so in this day and age especially.

i have discoloured teeth, little confidence, spots, hyperhidrosis, am shy/quiet with depression, bouts of fatigue, general unhappiness, unworthiness and my self esteem is shot. no wonder i cant find friends as i doubt id wanna be friends with myself! (but im being biased here!)

do guys find it easier to make friends?

id like to part of a big friendship group but i hate going out to clubs, parties, drinking and social stuff especially ones im not fond of to just go with the motions and feel like a sheep.

i hang out with my family mainly & as im so busy with a full time job, poor health & tiredness/stress, i kinda like my alone time to chill out but i know soon i will get bored but am too scared to go to meet ups (meetup.com - theres 2 groups near me for anxiety and depression though but im either too nervous, tired or busy to go) & rarely try new things and have zero hobbies apart from dog walking, watching tv/movies, listening to music and reading.

even with the internet, mass social connectivity & awareness groups etc, i am still alone and need to find that special someone (non romantic) to be a true long-lasting friend. even if i have to wait decades!

nic x

It's a complicated issue, for sure. I think conditioning plays a huge role, both in the exceedingly negative way people look at alone time and in the exceedingly needy way many people approach socializing. There's a healthy middle ground of spending a lot of time alone and of people able to freely socialize without so many expectations, so much judgment, and so much obligation that just gets left out of life entirely. We're fed so much crap about being completed by other people, about perfect love and perfect friendship, and other misleading things that don't actually exist.

For me it's part nature and part nurture. I never liked spending more than a few hours with someone else at a time and often liked at least a few days alone in-person, but I think I'd be interested in actually having an offline social life if my experience with people wasn't so negative. Things being what they are, it's much more satisfying to just work, read, and play games. Having zero friends offline is something of a choice at this point, as I've turned down chances to get to know people better.

I enjoy having a few small groups online that I can turn to as well as knowing where there are people I can talk to just to talk, but I'm always afraid of the expectations and hidden motivations in others. Do this, do that, don't say that, don't think of that thing. Gimme, gimme, gimme. It's not so much the people, it's fearing that I'd have to do something like have long phone calls 3-5 times a week in order to keep a friend or worrying that people like me more for what I can provide them with than who I am. I just don't benefit enough from having "a group" or a reputation to go through with it.

I realize I'm far from pure myself, but with my online friendships I'm trying to at least take them as they are. I don't want to jump through hoops for anyone, so I let them have their own things going on and only get as serious as they want. A lot of my socializing when I was younger was just because I was very insecure and sad, and thought more company was the answer.

Most people would do well to spend less time socializing and more time on themselves. Which would, ironically, make the world suck a lot less in a social sense.

I'm not sure if I'm a loner. I enjoy and occasionally need time alone, but I prefer to have a partner to be with where we understand each other. Be around each other, that means giving space to each other if needed.
Quiet nights at home watching movies, going out for lunch occasionally people watching, doing the things we both enjoy, nature walks. I think I need that someone special to talk with. So I'm not sure if I'm a loner in the classic sense.

But that's almost enough for me. I don't need parties (loathe them actually) or the like.
If I feel like going out it'll be to something where I can sit and watch something that's happening. Like at a cinema, or theater or something. If I'm not enjoying that I can get up and leave.

I believe if you try to conform to what people expect you to be then you'll be unhappy all your life. If you find your own happiness and contentment in life then.. that's what you'll be, happy and content.

I don't think there's so much a stigma for being alone, just being alone in scenarios where you'd traditionally be with others, for example at the cinema. That or being alone for a really long time. And it's a stigma that gets to me as well. I'd love to go to the movies and sit in front of a massive screen with a giant box of popcorn, but the abnormality of it and the weird looks I'd get deters me from doing so. So yes I agree that it shouldn't be ingrained in us that being by yourself = sadness and despair. If I wasn't so anxious and self-conscious, I still feel like I'd live a similar lifestyle as I do now, just that I'll give fewer shits about what others think.

Thanks for everyone's contribution Glad to see some other people being happy loners. It doesn't seem like there is so many though. But this is a SA forum after all, so I guess there is many people here who are loners but still crave for at least one meaningful relationship because they don't have any. :alone:

I wouldn't say I'm a loner in the sense that I like being alone. I do like being alone, but I like being around other people too. I am a loner in the sense that I "need" it sometimes, or put another way that I sometimes need alone time in order to function. There's a lot of things I don't do well with other people around, a major being, well thinking :: What I sort of mean by that is what Planemo touched upon.

planemo said:

But being on my own has allowed me to see things from a different perspective and I would not want to be an extrovert without this.

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I need that alone time to sort of define myself, and figure out what I think and what matters to me. Introspection, meditation, whatever you'd like to call it. Things I carry into interactions with other people, but don't really realize until I am in my own company. I also can't really focus on other things around others. If I need to look something up, for example, it'll take 10x longer if someone else is around, and be less thorough. Listening to music and reading are different experiences with other people around. It becomes so much more personal alone.

So I sort of function on a different plane when I'm left to myself. But the things I do alone really only mean anything to me if I have someone to share them with later, either directly or through how I act and am.