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Old 11-12-2015
sahxox's Avatar
Intermediate User
 

Hey guys,
I've never officially been diagnosed with anything (need to avoid mental health professionals lol) but fit overwhelming amounts of diagnostic criteria for both social anxiety for the past almost 10 years and even AVPD.
I am much better at handling my anxiety... I mask it with disassociation/apathy. Probably not any healthier though!

Background: I am an introvert, can be shy at times, do suffer from social anxiety occasionally.

I'll cut to the chase, this is my situation.
I cannot physically partake in a group conversation!! I just cannot do it!!
Lol everyone will be sitting around, talking at work, and I will go into freeze mode. I will pretend I'm busy/preoccupied, but when I'm not, just sit there and not join in.

Then I leave, with an overwhelming void of sadness.

I just don't get it, and I'd be lying if I were to say it's not killing me inside.

I'm happy with pretty much every other element of my life, but always this bias that if I am not participating, I feel I have no worth. That I don't connect to people, unless they are my good friends or family.

I feel depressed as hell following when this happens.
I just feel I can't be myself in these situations!!
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Old 11-12-2015
Nanita's Avatar
Elite User
 

I feel the same way very often in groups. But probably more often when I was in my 20s.
The first times I experienced social anxiety I was, like you, very confused. I didn't know what was going on with myself, feeling so nervous and awkward among people.

Now that I'm a little older and I've been in therapy with different kinds of therapists, I understand myself a little better. Nowadays I'm usually able to understand and analyze why I feel nervous in certain social situations. I don't get nervous in every single situation, only in some.

For me, it has something to do with me feeling that I'm not as good or as loveable as other people. When I see how well functioning other people are, it makes me feel like a miserable failure compared to them. I start comparing myself to them and just feel like shit.

For me it also has to do with lack of control, meaning that when I'm with more than one person, I can't control where the conversation goes, and there are too many things going on that make me nervous. If I'm only with one person, it's easier for me to take part in a conversation, as I only have one person to relate to.

Also in a group dynamic, I feel like people tend to "compete" with each other, trying to say things that are interesting so they won't get cut off or interrupted by someone who has something more interesting to say.. And then I feel like I don't have anything interesting to say and I'm afraid of saying something awkward so they won't like me..... Argghh It's all really stressful to me. I definitely feel more relaxed when I only talk to one person.
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