and it starts again.

september 2009 i had a ridiculous amount of panic attacks for two months straight, and there was really no explanation for them. i thought of everything that could possibly make me panic. nothing. everyday, i would get at least three panic attacks: one before school, a possible one during, and one right before i went to sleep. then two months later it all just stopped. no more depersonalization, that feeling you get before or after a panic attack, which was kind of like a constant for me. it just wasnt there anymore. i was pleased with myself for having overcome my panic disorder.
and then they came back one day while i was in the car with my grandmother. i had been drinking the night before (which keeps me calm for some reason) and i was really dehydrated, so i asked her to stop at the store to get something to drink. i remember feeling really hot and starting to shake. my heartbeat was getting faster and louder. i was panicking because she wasn't going fast enough. then i told myself to calm down, no big deal. started panicking because it was hot. rolled the window down and told myself to calm down. starting panicking because i thought i was dying of thirst. then i started panicking because i needed to get out of the car. (pacing helps with panic attacks for me) right as we got into the parking lot my grandma said something to me and i just freaked out, I DONT KNOW IM GONNA PASS OUT! IM GONNA PASS OUT and she said no you're not and put the air conditioning on and rolled up the windows. thankfully my grandma also has a history of panic attacks, so she understands.
so afterwards, i was scared. i thought i had gotten rid of them. what was that about? and ever since, its been like i'm on the verge of a panic attack but i can kind of control how far it goes, so i'm perpetually trying to not think about how weird i feel and keep the hypochondria down, cuz thats at least part of the reason of my panic attacks.
but i have been drinking a lot more than usual lately, don't go to school anymore, and partying way too hard. last night i woke up in my neighbor's garage with no idea how i got there, its been getting so bad. possible reasons for the oncoming panic attacks?
i don't know. i just wish to know why these panic attacks are back when i thought i'd gotten rid of them eight months ago. any explanations?

Do you eat spicy food?

well genetics, for one.. you said your grandma has a history of panic attacks.. so does my mom and her two sisters and mother; i was put on anti-depressant/anxiety based on that fact alone... sometimes we just get stuck with it, and sometimes we don't... it seems like they will come and go as they wish, and don't need any particular reason.. although for me, it seems like they come when i've just tried to shun anything that would stress me, and it all just bottles up and some random day when i've forgotten about it, i get a badass panic attack =/

anyway.. you're just supposed to learn to cope with them, i guess.. that's what my mom has done. she used to make someone take her to the hospital everytime she had a panic attack because she thought she was dying of a heart attack. but now, she knows what's happening and how to handle them. i can tell you, though, that all the alcohol isn't helping at all, babe :: ..it's just complicating your body and your mind even more.. it may seem like it relaxes you, and i'm sure it does at the time, but it doesn't make anything better later..

it sucks, but i've figured out that i just have to accept that i've got the issues that i do, and that the only thing i can do now is learn about them, and learn ways i can cope and work through them easily.. it just takes time and a lot of work =/ i'm sorry you're stuck with sh!tty panic attacks! i know they're no fun..

@spider04- i rarely eat spicy foods, so im pretty sure thats not the source.

@zeffolia- yeah they're terrible, i hate them a lot. but thanks for your empathy. =p

@katieee<3- i haven't talked to you in sooo long, ahaa. been listening to a LOT of 311 lately, trust me. lol. yeah i understand the genetics and everything. but its just so confusing to me that they went away for so long then came back. are you on any meds for anxiety? i think i want to get on some meds, this **** is too ridiculous. the alcohol i realize isn't helping any, but its a nice escape plan, i guess. i should probably stop though. alas, my family has quite a history of every bad thing to get. haha. i'm currently reading up on how to manage with them, because its tearing my life apart. its crazy how much one thing could affect your whole life.

Sometimes you just don't have any explanation, if your body feels it needs to put up a defense it's gonna do it. Maybe in your case the day after drinking made you a little ill, and then you panicked about feeling ill inside the car..funny isn't it.

Whatever it is, a day after drinking is far from a perfect time to access your panic issues

alice_down_the_rabbithole said:

@katieee<3- i haven't talked to you in sooo long, ahaa. been listening to a LOT of 311 lately, trust me. lol. yeah i understand the genetics and everything. but its just so confusing to me that they went away for so long then came back. are you on any meds for anxiety? i think i want to get on some meds, this **** is too ridiculous. the alcohol i realize isn't helping any, but its a nice escape plan, i guess. i should probably stop though. alas, my family has quite a history of every bad thing to get. haha. i'm currently reading up on how to manage with them, because its tearing my life apart. its crazy how much one thing could affect your whole life.

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i knowww, we haven't talked in forever! i'm so sorry you're feeling sh!tty lately!! ::
yeah dude! i completely understand, because my agoraphobia came out of nowhere! i had never been like this before! it just came up randomly! sucks, for real!! i've tried and tried to come up with some explanation for it, or figure out why it happened.. but eventually i just gave up, said fukk it, and decided that it's an issue and i have to do something proactive about it, because finding out any reason why (if there even is one!) just isn't the solution, ya know?
but yeah, i'm on the lowest dose of paxil.. a lot of people are iffy about it because they say the withdrawals suck after you go off it, but i've heard as long as you taper off of it then it's fine.. besides, i have realized that it helps me. it's kind of an anti-anxiety/depressant. it helps to keep the edge off, i guess.. things aren't so extremely terrible or anything, and i notice that my 'panic mode' is way less harsh when i'm out of the house doing anything...
and omg, yes.. my life has completely changed, it turned way upside down, but i've actually decided to find a few positives from it and not dwell on the bad, but that is super difficult!!
i really hope you feel better sooooon!!! <3