An AvPD story: My story

D

destructoroflife

Well-known member
Hello, as you can see I'm new around here.

So I've decided to tell the "story of my life", here it goes:

I'm 21 years old, I was born and raised in one of the so called "third world countries".

I believe there are some parameters that constitute an individual:

Religion defines morality. Education feeds intelligence and perception of the world. And society defines us (or at least it tries) as an individual.

I was raised by a christian-protestant family, I have a high sense of morality. Some people say I'm too conservative, it may be true.
Though I love this morality, sometimes it can affect me in a negative way, by not being an "open-minded" person.

In terms of my education, well, it was ok. Nothing really impressive. My parents are educated too, so they value education over anything else (which I think is good).
I am a logic-driven person. For this I get upset when people act irrationally, and because of that I have problems with my parents, as they are too religious.

And in my society, you have to be outgoing, talkative, especially if you're a man (I believe this reality applies in almost all the world).

So, how did I ended up being like I am? Or why did I ended up like this? I'm not too sure.

My dad used to beat me up, you know "correctional methods". So everythime I did something wrong (c'mmon, I was a kid, I'd be doing wrong things all the time) I knew that when I get home, something bad was expecting me. Sometimes I didn't even have to get home for the punishment.
This "correctional methods" made me a very passive person. I saw my dad on every man or woman of authority, sometimes just normal individuals.
I was not allowed to have an opinion because I thought that by thinking differently I would get beaten.

So I was a very shy kid in school, high school, college. Almost no friends, 0 girlfriends. I was (I am) socially stupid. I don't know how to react to people's emotions.
I'm scared of people. Scared of being critized, of doing something stupid. You know, all of those fears that constitute the AvPD individual.
I'm also ugly, so that did not help at all.

I've left college. Being in my house for almost 5 months, not going outside. I have developed agoraphobia now. I have no idea how to get through this.

I hate my parents, I've never been a "warm" son to them really. I never talk to them, it's just awkward being in the same room with them for too long. There's nothing to talk about really.
I feel they just ****ed me so bad.

Well, that's all.

Sorry if my english is not too good.

Thank's for reading.
 
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My Entropy

My Entropy

New member
Welcome to the forum. I think the tone of your post indicates you want to move on but you have seemingly unshakeable set of anchors. I think you will have to face things one at a time.

Firstly i think your agoraphobia is something you can overcome. It has come to you recently and there's no logical reason to hold onto it, i am confident you can overcome it. Do you have places to go? if not you need to create them. Small steps such as just to read in a park may help you be out there and the book will hopefully cause time to fly by a bit. Consider an activity where hardly any bad judgements can be directed at you and you cant be socially in the wrong, such as charity work and volunteering. It sounds like a massive effort but it can come to feel effortless when you know there is some great purpose in your actions.

Its easier to say than do, but in the long run i'm sure you want to be able to forgive your parents on some level. To do that, think about the fact that their brains just physically weren't able to contemplate at the time the damage they were doing. Not everyone has the processing power to separate what is right from what is accepted, and education often exists in a system of what is accepted, maybe their actions were just what was accepted locally at the time. Knowing what they werent capable of may open you to a sympathetic feeling that you probably find difficult to see, understandably.

Also imagine that one day in the future, should they pass on, you may be carrying regret with you for a long time which is a whole other difficult emotion to deal with. I imagine you will miss them on some level even if not in the practical parenting sense. But at 21 you an adult now, you have so much more power now to feel these emotions and think ahead, you are no longer just an extension of your upbringing, your power to forgive them is independent of whether they would say they did anything wrong or not.

That feeling that theyve screwed you up seems like the most fitting explanation for your current social issues. But i feel like ive had most of those same problems despite having a comfortable upbringing. Its just important to tackle these things as individual issues rather than focussing on the big difficult history, which is a much more insurmountable thing to deal with. That way hopefully you will make progress in your life, its like walking up 20 steps instead of trying to jump a 10ft wall. even if you only got past 3 steps, you will still be better off.
 
BlueDays

BlueDays

1
Hello and welcome to the forum.:)

I am very sorry you had to suffer your fathers brutal treatment. It's very sad that you were too afraid to have your own opinions because it may have got you another beating. I am sure you can find some friends in here with similar experiences.
 
S

spaceboy135

Well-known member
dude I really feel for you and can see WHY you are the way you are..

I came from a highly dysfunctional family too and had a very strict controlling father who too kept me in line there is hope though!!

If you take a look at my posting that I replied to here; "Anyone here knows someone who got cured from SAD/AvPD and is now living a normal life"

you will get an idea of how to go about healing yourself :)
 
S

spaceboy135

Well-known member
I would also like to add to what I said earlier that anyone who was born into a "shame based family system" will become personality disordered because every time you spoke up for your wants and needs you were turned down SO you developed coping strategies in order to get those needs met and in order to attain love and acceptance...once you eliminate core beliefs you eliminate coping mechanisms and are free :) so for example I can guarantee you that one belief formed from a young age was "I must seek everyones approval for my own self worth" and the symptom for that belief would be constantly scanning your environment looking to see who is approving of you and who is not approving of you ... another one would be "I must do my best to keep quiet and unnoticed at all times to avoid criticism" etc
 
doubtmyself

doubtmyself

Banned
destructoroflife said:
Hello, as you can see I'm new around here.

So I've decided to tell the "story of my life", here it goes:

I'm 21 years old, I was born and raised in one of the so called "third world countries".

I believe there are some parameters that constitute an individual:

Religion defines morality. Education feeds intelligence and perception of the world. And society defines us (or at least it tries) as an individual.

I was raised by a christian-protestant family, I have a high sense of morality. Some people say I'm too conservative, it may be true.
Though I love this morality, sometimes it can affect me in a negative way, by not being an "open-minded" person.

In terms of my education, well, it was ok. Nothing really impressive. My parents are educated too, so they value education over anything else (which I think is good).
I am a logic-driven person. For this I get upset when people act irrationally, and because of that I have problems with my parents, as they are too religious.

And in my society, you have to be outgoing, talkative, especially if you're a man (I believe this reality applies in almost all the world).

So, how did I ended up being like I am? Or why did I ended up like this? I'm not too sure.

My dad used to beat me up, you know "correctional methods". So everythime I did something wrong (c'mmon, I was a kid, I'd be doing wrong things all the time) I knew that when I get home, something bad was expecting me. Sometimes I didn't even have to get home for the punishment.
This "correctional methods" made me a very passive person. I saw my dad on every man or woman of authority, sometimes just normal individuals.
I was not allowed to have an opinion because I thought that by thinking differently I would get beaten.

So I was a very shy kid in school, high school, college. Almost no friends, 0 girlfriends. I was (I am) socially stupid. I don't know how to react to people's emotions.
I'm scared of people. Scared of being critized, of doing something stupid. You know, all of those fears that constitute the AvPD individual.
I'm also ugly, so that did not help at all.

I've left college. Being in my house for almost 5 months, not going outside. I have developed agoraphobia now. I have no idea how to get through this.

I hate my parents, I've never been a "warm" son to them really. I never talk to them, it's just awkward being in the same room with them for too long. There's nothing to talk about really.
I feel they just ****ed me so bad.

Well, that's all.

Sorry if my english is not too good.

Thank's for reading.
Click to expand...

You are a hero in my book mate.
If you can recover from that childhood you are a bloody champion!
You have my support.!
 
doubtmyself

doubtmyself

Banned
spaceboy135 said:
I would also like to add to what I said earlier that anyone who was born into a "shame based family system" will become personality disordered because every time you spoke up for your wants and needs you were turned down SO you developed coping strategies in order to get those needs met and in order to attain love and acceptance...once you eliminate core beliefs you eliminate coping mechanisms and are free :) so for example I can guarantee you that one belief formed from a young age was "I must seek everyones approval for my own self worth" and the symptom for that belief would be constantly scanning your environment looking to see who is approving of you and who is not approving of you ... another one would be "I must do my best to keep quiet and unnoticed at all times to avoid criticism" etc
Click to expand...

This describes my childhood...a people pleaser from an early age.
 
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