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Old 01-15-2017
 

Hello! I'm back and for those who can still remember me, I used to be active in my journal way back when I was still a Uni student till I got married.

I decided to end my journal thread just because I felt that I had to put a conclusion somehow... and I guess it was the best time to end it.

Anyway, this is not another journal thread ... just a long vent about my baby and pregnancy.

My issue is a bit silly I know but I just really have to get it off my chest.

----------------------

I am pregnant for 3 months now. Let me say that me and hubby have it all planned and we're excited to become dad and mum soon.

Another person who's really excited for us is my mother-in-law. I'm telling you now that she's a nice, full of life, happy type of person. I have no problem with her and although I still can't feel comfortable with her (I've only met her thrice)... we occasionally interact through social media. She's the type who says hello first. I'm really bad with reaching out to her (or people in general) so I guess she's the one who puts a bit of effort to ask 'how are you' whenever she and hubby talk on the phone. I'm giving this intro to let you know that truly, she is a good person.

If there's one quirk my mum-in-law has.... or let's say their family.... is that they are vain people. Vain in a sense that they find themselves gorgeous, pretty, beautiful, highly attractive etc etc. Actually, this vanity applies mostly to the females in my husband's family.

Not to be hypocrite, my husband is vain, I'm vain as well... but my hubby's female family members and relatives are confidently almost conceitedly vain. And to be honest, they have the right to their vanity because compared to average people, they do have the 'attractive genes'. For a start, my hubby is a handsome guy and whenever he post his pictures on Facebook, his mom always 'jokingly' say that he got his looks from her.

In general, being vain was never an issue for me. But this vanity issue is quite starting to be a big deal for me since I got pregnant.

I just remember one instance when my mum-in-law jokingly said that she hopes me and hubby's future child get my hubby's 'eyes'. Honestly, I wanted my child to have my hubby's eyes. Just to defend myself, I'm not ugly and I'm quite attractive as well (please don't take this wrong, I'm not trying to show-off)... but I admit that hubby's eyes are pretty. However, hearing those words from my mum-in-law kinda irked me a bit though I shrugged it off quickly. (It's something that she shouldn't have mentioned, you know, just respect for me atleast, although I know she didn't intentionally offend me)

Now that the 'baby thing' is for real, the vanity issue is starting to irk me again. Recently, I saw a conversation with my mum-in-law and hubby. Hubby was joking that he thinks our baby is a boy and he looks like him (referring to the 12 weeks ultrasound that I had yesterday, so it was really meant to be funny). Now mum-in-law answered "Then he'll be handsome too".

I know that was a simple, no-malice conversation. But for some reason, it's making me defensive. I can't help but remember my mum-in-law's joke before.

And because of that I now want our baby to look like me, especially my eyes (physically, me and hubby's features are almost the same except for the eyes). I know it's silly and immature.... but if the baby's eyes look more like me, I'm sure she or he will still be an attractive bub except my husband's family wouldn't be able to claim or get too much credit for our baby's look.

And in my mind I'll be like " Our baby is very pretty and looks like his/her mom . In your face mum-in-law!!!"

It's not that I'm being proud or anything. I just couldn't stand them flaunting their looks for our baby as well. Ugh! It will be a nonstop "Oooohhh.... the baby is so beautiful, she/he got our genes yada yada yada"

Seriously,I want the baby to be "OURS" not "THEIRS".
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Old 01-27-2017
 

Another rant.

I know this sounds bad and I know my mum-in-law means well but I am kinda annoyed with her constant question about my pregnancy.

You see, before I got pregnant, we rarely talk online. It's mostly hi and hellos. Now, I noticed the frequency of her online messages to me. I should be happy right? But I feel like she's just really excited and overconcerned for her future grandchild that I find it a little bit irritating.

She sends me random health articles about the danger of stress, or about the danger of heating plastic in microwaves... stuff like that. I appreciate it but I cant help but feel like I'm just the 'host' and it's really the baby that she's interested with.

Then she messaged me again this morning. We had a nice conversation but some of her words kinda offended me.

She asked me questions like "Can you take care of your baby?" (In our language it actually sounds more like "Will you be able to manage taking care of your baby?")


I just gave a polite answer "I'll do my best but of course I'll still need some guidance"

But really what kind of question is that? Of course it is a yes. It's my baby I'm going to take care of!

And then I mentioned that my baby's gonna be due winter. So she was like telling me it will be cold and we need a blanket. She would like to send us a baby blanket from overseas. And Im like "Dont worry we'll provide all the stuff the baby needs". She's like frikkin worried Im gonna deprive her future grandchild. WTF Im the parent and me and my hubby arent stupid!

My other concern is that my husband wants my mum -in -law to stay with us for a while so she can help me take care of the baby and also to help me get back to work without paying for childcare. But you see, by the way she acts like stage mother-ish to my future baby I think she will only be a hindrance with my bonding time with the baby. I have a feeling that I'll end up competing for my baby's attention. And because I'm a submissive shy type of person, she'll be dominating my baby's care.

So up to these days Im giving my husband all the excuses why its not wise to bring his mom to our home.
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Old 01-27-2017
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Some people have no idea on how to raise a child, so I think it's a good thing she's asking you and wants to be involved. There's a fine line between being involved and overbearing though.

I wouldn't want my relatives staying with me either. Just remember your going to get tired and end up sleep deprived at times. So perhaps you could suggest instead of staying with you every night, she could stay on say, a saturday and sunday night - allowing you a couple of nights to get unbroken sleep and freshen up.
She will feel involved and helpful and you will still be in control of the situation with plenty of bonding time for you and your baby.

I guess you want to try and avoid offending her, but some times its best to be honest, tell your husband about you not wanting her to live with you - and why
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Old 01-29-2017
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by PugofCrydee View Post
Some people have no idea on how to raise a child, so I think it's a good thing she's asking you and wants to be involved. There's a fine line between being involved and overbearing though.

I wouldn't want my relatives staying with me either. Just remember your going to get tired and end up sleep deprived at times. So perhaps you could suggest instead of staying with you every night, she could stay on say, a saturday and sunday night - allowing you a couple of nights to get unbroken sleep and freshen up.
She will feel involved and helpful and you will still be in control of the situation with plenty of bonding time for you and your baby.

I guess you want to try and avoid offending her, but some times its best to be honest, tell your husband about you not wanting her to live with you - and why
I understand that she wants to help but letting her stay with us wont be that simple like you suggested.

You see, we dont live in the same country. We have to get her a visa which means she really has to stay with us 24/7 for several months or years depending on her visa length of stay.

I cant imagine Iiving with her in this house for a long period of time. I wont feel comfortable in my own house plus I just can feel how she'll be so overattached to our baby. You see, before I got pregnant, she kept urging us to have a baby soon. She is that excited to have a grandchild! I totally understand her feelings but I'm so worried that she'll overdo it.

Like in the past when we were still planning for a child and still considering the arrangement after childbirth, mum-in-law even suggested to my hubby that we can leave our child to her care. Which means leaving our baby to our home country while me and hubby is living here (migrated country). Of course my hubby didnt approve but gosh how can she suggest that of all things?!!! I'm aware that some parents actually do that but still it is a horrible suggestion. So you see, I can feel how she really wants our baby!

Another thing is, her presence would only trigger my anxiety. Im the type of person who easily get stressed out and cant easily adjust with a new housemate. I know she's not a stranger but I'm not really familiar with her either. In my antenatal assessment, I was scored with a mild risk for postnatal depression considering my personality and history of depression although mine was not clinically diagnosed. I dont want any triggers that might affect my wellbeing. I am usually ok with a lot of things despite my anxiety but having my mum-in-law here would become a major stressor for me.

I dont mind the help but I would prefer my sister. She is willing to come here but like mum-in-law, she lives in our home country and her work kinda hinders her to take long leave.

The other option is Im gonna be full time mom and only do part time work in some days that my hubby is off. I'll still leave off days that me and hubby are both free.

I know childcare wont be easy, I know what to expect and there will be some things that I wouldnt anticipate but I have some idea on how to take care of babies. My university degree is related to healthcare and my thesis even involved pregnant mums and babies. For several months I was involved in assisting prenatal check ups, I helped give births multiple times, I cut babies cord and bathe them, weighed them... all those stuffs. I also got involved in babysitting kids in orphanage which includes babies and toddlers. I know how they can be so noisy and tantrum-y (lol i made up that word), i know how to change diapers etc etc. So yes, I'm not totally ignorant when it comes to baby care. Maybe that's also the reason why my mum-in-law's question kinda pissed me of. I felt like it's a stomp to my ego.

I dont know how to tell hubby my concern but at the moment there is still no definite plan if we'll invite mum-in-law to live with us so Im not that worried yet.
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Old 02-12-2017
 

Another rant.

My hubby made a video call with his mum again. I dont really feel like talking to her but hubby directed the camera to me. So MumInLaw (MUL) said hello and then tactlessly said in a happy tone that I look ugly and maybe the baby will be a boy!!!! Maybe she wants me to be happy about the 'boy' prediction but i dont really mind what gender my bub will be. I am seriously officially pissed at her now. I am here trying to look as presentable looking pregnant woman I can be and that effin comment even if it's true doesnt help with my confidence. She can just shut up her mouth instead of telling that. I dont care if she's truly a nice lady or what, I hate her and her being critical to almost all looks and beauty.
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Old 02-12-2017
 

She totally destroyed my mood. I know I'm being sensitive but now I'm super pissed. I should effin relax myself but my mind doesnt make me do it. I will stay away from her as much as possible. I dont care if she's my husband's mum... everything that comes out of her mouth stresses me out or pisses me off. Grrrrrrrr!
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Old 02-17-2017
 

Ok now she just messaged me again asking how am I. Well the eff I am not going to show that I've read it nor effin respond to her. I had enough of acting polite.
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Old 02-17-2017
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in-laws eh? nightmare
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Old 02-17-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by w*n*c*a*m View Post
Another rant.

My hubby made a video call with his mum again. I dont really feel like talking to her but hubby directed the camera to me. So MumInLaw (MUL) said hello and then tactlessly said in a happy tone that I look ugly and maybe the baby will be a boy!!!! Maybe she wants me to be happy about the 'boy' prediction but i dont really mind what gender my bub will be. I am seriously officially pissed at her now. I am here trying to look as presentable looking pregnant woman I can be and that effin comment even if it's true doesnt help with my confidence. She can just shut up her mouth instead of telling that. I dont care if she's truly a nice lady or what, I hate her and her being critical to almost all looks and beauty.
"You've seen better days yourself"
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Old 02-18-2017
 

I wasn't able to think when she blurted the "You're ugly" comment to me. I was so off guarded. I didn't see it coming. It was like 'Oh no you didn't!'. I was so shocked how insensitive and tactless she was. It wouldn't be so bad if I feel close to her. I would probably just pout or say something jokingly nasty like I do with my hubby or sister when we're teasing each other. But gosh! That word coming from MIL just didn't sound right at all. It felt so effin rude to me.

------------
And here's an update. I have read MIL's and hubby's recent conversation. She just told him that she wants to stop working abroad. My hubby said go for it. Anyway, it's her decision and I have no issue with that. She's not getting any younger. It's much better to stay back to our home country with her family and maybe start a small business or something.

However, the issue of MIL coming here soon is starting to worry me again. Her deciding to suddenly quit job and not finishing her contract is such a nice timing. My gut feeling tells me that a big reason for that decision is her intention to come here. Maybe you guys will tell me I'm getting paranoid. I certainly am not.

For the last 2 years, my hubby and dad-in-law (DIL) has been convincing her to stop extending her contract abroad and she never listened. She always had an excuse about wanting to save more money or wanting to extend work a bit further and she'll quit for good but it never happened. And now all of a sudden she wants to go back home without finishing her contract plus she never actually saved much money.

Now, I've reread MIL's and hubby's old conversations and bam! my intuition was right.

It was last year's conversation. MIL was telling hubby that she'll stop working by that time we have a baby.

There's only one effin reason for her to do that. She wants to come here. It's so effin obvious. With how things are going, no way will I let it happen. She can come here if my baby is atleast a toddler but no way will I'll let her come near me and my baby so effin soon.
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Old 02-20-2017
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She seriously called you ugly? Wow...

I mean even if she actually meant it in a joking manner, that just doesn't seem like something you say to an in-law who you aren't very close with.

I can understand if someone joked around with someone really close like siblings for instance, because me and my brother do that kind of stuff all the time but your daughter-in-law? Very disrespectful. She sounds crazy overbearing as well. That would drive me nuts.
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Old 02-20-2017
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikazuki1590 View Post
She seriously called you ugly? Wow...

I mean even if she actually meant it in a joking manner, that just doesn't seem like something you say to an in-law who you aren't very close with.

I can understand if someone joked around with someone really close like siblings for instance, because me and my brother do that kind of stuff all the time but your daughter-in-law? Very disrespectful. She sounds crazy overbearing as well. That would drive me nuts.
I know right? At first I was even doubting myself if Im just overeacting or being oversensitive. But no matter how much I think about it, it really doesnt sound right at all. You know what made it worse is that my hubby heard it when she told it to me. He took the phone back and told his mom why she has to say that. And then he directed the camera back at me maybe expecting his mom to apologize. But you know what MIL did? She effin laughed louder and told me that she was joking but it's alright coz pregnant women's face does change a lot. So she was like apologizing but still implying the 'ugly'. Im not expecting her to call me pretty but she should have the decency to not say offensive stuff like that.

And yes, all those things I mentioned are red flags that she has great potential to be overbearing.
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Old 02-21-2017
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Well, at least your husband somewhat called her out on it. It sounds like she's an insensitive person and doesn't realize when she hurts someone elses feelings or possibly that she's jealous of you in some way and feels the need to send veiled insults your way. Who knows.

That's one of the things I get anxious about thinking if I ever meet a girl and get married, what will her family be like? I don't want to have to tolerate annoying people, lol. Makes me anxious just thinking about it
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Old 02-21-2017
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Is MIL one of those busy-body hyperactive extroverted types who have no "muffler on their exhaust"?
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Old 02-21-2017
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikazuki1590 View Post
Well, at least your husband somewhat called her out on it. It sounds like she's an insensitive person and doesn't realize when she hurts someone elses feelings or possibly that she's jealous of you in some way and feels the need to send veiled insults your way. Who knows.

That's one of the things I get anxious about thinking if I ever meet a girl and get married, what will her family be like? I don't want to have to tolerate annoying people, lol. Makes me anxious just thinking about it

I tell you, I made lots of excuses not to meet my then-bf's (hubby now) family. It came to the point when my bf was like sulking at me. I mean some guys hesitate to introduce their gfs and there was me who avoided the idea of it.

Eventually I had to meet them. They were ok. His mom is quite talkative and his dad is the typical not so chatty dad but not snob either. His sibilings are friendly. However, I hate it when they have big family gatherings because MIL's relatives visit and they are all like loud happy go lucky people, who drinks a lot, jokes a lot which can be quite offensive or inaproppriate (yes, it runs in MIL's side of family). For a person with SA like me, that's like being in a room of horror.

There was even one instance when hubby's female cousins were all singing and they just quickly grabbed me to sing with them then relatives were like taking pictures when all I wanna do is to escape and hide my face. One cousin even effingly blurted out the obvious "Oh my she's shaking". F*ck right?

Oh and let me tell you how inappropriate their jokes can be. One time hubby videocalled his cousins to announce my pregnancy. They know I was there. The same insensitive girl cousin laughed out loud and told my husband "Wow! You really did well. You f*cked so well you now have a baby!!!" If it was a close friend, I would laugh with them but we arent so it really sounded so distasteful for me.

Good thing I rarely have to visit my hubby's family. It's also an advantage that me and hubby migrated so I'm really faraway from hubby's family especially MIL's relatives.
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Old 02-21-2017
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by theslowesthand View Post
Is MIL one of those busy-body hyperactive extroverted types who have no "muffler on their exhaust"?
Yup! She really is. In a positive light she can be seen as a cool youthful mom by most people.
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Old 02-21-2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by w*n*c*a*m View Post
Eventually I had to meet them. They were ok. His mom is quite talkative and his dad is the typical not so chatty dad but not snob either. His sibilings are friendly. However, I hate it when they have big family gatherings because MIL's relatives visit and they are all like loud happy go lucky people, who drinks a lot, jokes a lot which can be quite offensive or inaproppriate (yes, it runs in MIL's side of family). For a person with SA like me, that's like being in a room of horror.

There was even one instance when hubby's female cousins were all singing and they just quickly grabbed me to sing with them then relatives were like taking pictures when all I wanna do is to escape and hide my face. One cousin even effingly blurted out the obvious "Oh my she's shaking". F*ck right?
Oh, man this reminds me of my sister's wedding years back. My brother in law's family were letting them have it in the backyard of their big lakeside house and there were tons of people there. I was so uncomfortable and the worst part was i had to be in the wedding as well. I had to walk somebody down the aisle in front of everyone. Granted that's all i had to do and then sit down but for me who hates being in front of a crowd it was terrible. I was so nervous. There were lots of loud obnoxious people there too, so yea, just not my environment at all.

I only did that to show support for my sister but I really didn't want to do it. But no way in hell would anyone drag me up to sing or anything, lol. It annoys me how outgoing people seem so oblivious to people with SA and they seem to think that if they just force you to do something, you'll like break out of your shell and join in naturally or something. Nah doesn't work that way people. lol.

Also yea, odd thing for his cousin to say. That sounds crazy awkward.
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Old 02-22-2017
 

Im crying now. Since yesterday everything was good. I became myself again. I was optimistic. I took a bath, I cleaned the house, I did yoga, I cooked good meals, I did the laundry, I read books, I did meditation... I felt so productive.

And then just 10 minutes ago MIL messaged my hubby again. She said her employer offered to pay travel expenses for her to come here on August and stay with us for 2 weeks. There's no other way to say no to MIL this time because there's no good reason to stop her.

I was in panic and I told hubby no. He got pissed at me. He said its only 2 weeks and he said why dont i want his mother to visit us. I said its too early. My god its only a month after i give birth. I'll probably be having baby blues that time and I dont want to get stressed. I told him i wanna focus on my baby. He said how can we say no to his mum? What reason are we gonna give her? I also dont know how to tell the truth to his mom without offending her. So now Im in the toilet silently crying and feeling helpless. Im crying more because i shouldnt be like this. I dont want my baby to get my anxiety. But i dont know what to do. I feel so trapped.
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Old 02-22-2017
 

Things have been subdued for now. My hubby caught me crying and asked why. He said he understands that Im not ready for MIL's visit in August but he doesnt understand what troubles me so much to make me cry. He questioned me if I dont like his mom. He asked me if I see MIL negatively. I cant tell him yes. I cant tell what I really think about his mom without sounding judgemental, paranoid or selfish. I just told him Im anxious and I couldnt help myself. He persistently asked me what exactly stresses me out. I told him again about possible baby blues, about me wanting to only focus with the baby that time... I told him when the baby is 6 months I'll probably have adjusted by then and MIL can visit.

I can still see he's still pissed but he immediately messaged his mom not to visit in August. He just reasoned out that he'll have accumulated the 2 weeks leave on July so August he'll be back to work and wouldnt be able to get another leave that early. He said he'll arrange her visit when the right time comes. MIL only replied ok.

So for now I feel relieved. I guess hubby's also concerned about my pregnancy if I start stressing out. I feel so selfish that I got my way but for now I'll be fine.
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Old 02-22-2017
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Nah, I wouldn't put it as "getting your way" like it's a bad thing. I think it's totally reasonable. New parents should have that time to bond with their baby alone. It's only natural and others should respect your wishes.

My sister was the same way when she had hers. We were all up at the hospital when she was born but afterwards after they went home they requested time to themselves to get adjusted and my folks totally understood and gave them their space until they were ready.

Honestly I bet your MIL isn't used to being stood up to like that, lol. But anyways, glad to hear it worked out and you can rest a little easier now.
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