grapevine
Well-known member
Lately, I've felt like I martyr. That (not online/in-person) That Im going out of my way in my job, my partner, my family... and do not get anything back much in return. And I do know that I give back to me- and not rely on others, but when they rely on me all the time. Ive been in a codependence with my half deaf mum for a long time and now I seem to be in one with my partner.
With my partner ( yes still with him~: / ) I just am so sick of it all being one sided. He is a non-emotional state so I try my best to make him change- becoming all about doing that- scouring the internet to make things make him laugh, buy him loads of food and everything else, initiate and take him out all the time. he is never really ever surprised by all this in a way that would satisfy my actions to him. And every single time I get disappointed and depressed and frustrated. I feel like he is so blind and selfish. And it can really create unease in me, I get nothing back - yet he doesn't see that. He thinks he is the best boyfriend in the world. Sure he is caring and nice- but he will not think about me and go out of his way for me, he will not surprise me, he just can't do a lot of things. Can't even interact most of the time, doesn't have the ability/patience to read anything or learn anything- he just glances at things. Because of his schizophrenia. Things just aren't fair. And he still owes me the money he forgets. I feel used. He has delusions of grandeur literally about himself and paranoia with Facebook mocking/profiles. I know he is like this and yet I just want even some interaction, initiation of conversation, initiation of taking me out for a first, realization that he is an ill man-boy and it's not fair to me as he has no prospects, no money. Yet seems to be in concrete that he has a future with me. I'm so tired of wanting things I can't have with him. yet i still stay. : /
With my work. They use me. They use everyone. I could report them to health and safety and even work rights and they could be instantly shut down. They don't bother to give me my checks most times and then when they do and they are piled up - I go to deposit them and they bounce and I have to wait. I then get told not to put them all in at once... I work in a mess where there is absolutely no support in many ways. I have to take my own initiative all the time and make it seem like I know what I'm doing. There's a lot of pressure on me and so much hard work to do. There are no things in place like furniture to use to actually be able to do the jobs I need to do. It's so crowded and dangerous and lifting heavy things around tight corners where customers go and then getting told off for leaving sorting bags in aisle ways - yet there is nowhere else to put them - unless I put them where customers go. Then I get told they are moving their old shop to another place and I'll be in there - a bay for me. In a shed. Heard that from a volunteer. The drive out to get there and go back home sux. By the end of the day, I feel like im going to collapse. And whilst Im trying to do all I need to do to clean up their junk- I end up getting left on my own in the shop for half a day and having to serve - even though they know I have social phobia and get blank and anxious. And at the same time- go through mountains of clothes and stuff - and clean - huge tasks that need to get done but I can't do them both. I get used.
With my partner ( yes still with him~: / ) I just am so sick of it all being one sided. He is a non-emotional state so I try my best to make him change- becoming all about doing that- scouring the internet to make things make him laugh, buy him loads of food and everything else, initiate and take him out all the time. he is never really ever surprised by all this in a way that would satisfy my actions to him. And every single time I get disappointed and depressed and frustrated. I feel like he is so blind and selfish. And it can really create unease in me, I get nothing back - yet he doesn't see that. He thinks he is the best boyfriend in the world. Sure he is caring and nice- but he will not think about me and go out of his way for me, he will not surprise me, he just can't do a lot of things. Can't even interact most of the time, doesn't have the ability/patience to read anything or learn anything- he just glances at things. Because of his schizophrenia. Things just aren't fair. And he still owes me the money he forgets. I feel used. He has delusions of grandeur literally about himself and paranoia with Facebook mocking/profiles. I know he is like this and yet I just want even some interaction, initiation of conversation, initiation of taking me out for a first, realization that he is an ill man-boy and it's not fair to me as he has no prospects, no money. Yet seems to be in concrete that he has a future with me. I'm so tired of wanting things I can't have with him. yet i still stay. : /
With my work. They use me. They use everyone. I could report them to health and safety and even work rights and they could be instantly shut down. They don't bother to give me my checks most times and then when they do and they are piled up - I go to deposit them and they bounce and I have to wait. I then get told not to put them all in at once... I work in a mess where there is absolutely no support in many ways. I have to take my own initiative all the time and make it seem like I know what I'm doing. There's a lot of pressure on me and so much hard work to do. There are no things in place like furniture to use to actually be able to do the jobs I need to do. It's so crowded and dangerous and lifting heavy things around tight corners where customers go and then getting told off for leaving sorting bags in aisle ways - yet there is nowhere else to put them - unless I put them where customers go. Then I get told they are moving their old shop to another place and I'll be in there - a bay for me. In a shed. Heard that from a volunteer. The drive out to get there and go back home sux. By the end of the day, I feel like im going to collapse. And whilst Im trying to do all I need to do to clean up their junk- I end up getting left on my own in the shop for half a day and having to serve - even though they know I have social phobia and get blank and anxious. And at the same time- go through mountains of clothes and stuff - and clean - huge tasks that need to get done but I can't do them both. I get used.
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