Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

grapevine said:

Tooth ache

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Helps you to stop worrying about things, as the pain is all-encompassing!. There's nothing like a good ol toothache :thumbup: :lol:

Ps: Are you past the biting-into-hankerchief stage? Or at the stage where you think you'll attempt to pull it out? (THAT'S when it gets REALLY tough :lol

Hey guys, thanku for the kind concerns. Lol - funny that my tooth ache lasted one night and then went away haha. Im so grateful that it has. I think its a wisdom tooth growing thing which I dont need to be removed - ( had it looked at last year).
So all is good. I had some very acidic powder drink that I think went into the gums and an made it ache. But all is good.

So OKAY..

Im Feeling better. For once- Im actually feeling so much beyond what I was. I feel like I can see above everything now. Hard to explain.

Having quite a few days away from Rugs and having to deal with my own coming to terms with facing my lost self-has helped me break through the fears of it I guess. Not that I have fears but that I have been so used to giving myself away again and again to him and to others that I just haven't had a chance to put myself first - to find myself- to be me at all.

Being at home and realising that I am above these things is an awesome feeling. I've fixed myself up nutritionally too- because I was deficient in quite a few things. I mean the way that I had been living for a year now- I can see was so stupid. What I had been doing was treating myself disrespectfully by giving myself away to someone who wasn't appreciating me doing that. Im still with him, but right now- Im in a state where I am seeing myself and a prodjection of myself and my identity and goals and my future now - how I used to see it before I went out with him. Its funny how just spending some days alone - what it can do. I fel more comfortable with dealing with my feelings of lonliness and feeling that now- than dealing with not getting my needs met and frustration within a relationship. Im realising that I cannot control- I just cant be bothered with it. If theres no appreciation, no interaction- then whats the point of crying and trying to fill that void? I end up treating myself badly to things that dont serve me - like trying to fill myself up because he hadnt. Feeling like you have no appreciation and lonely in a relationship and just other things. Its not worth reacting - other than stepping out of the situation or just taking that energy and putting it into something better- and that is what I am doing now. I am excited because Im in that feeling again of becoming back into my identity - new and evolved and changed but back into my passions and so on. Even though I may feel alone in them in this relationship - the more I put time into myself and my passions and loving myself- the more I can feel better about things in general and cope better with things and the future will be alot easier.

HOw many times - like tonight- have I decided to come over to his place and feel like Im not there. Its not worth it. So now I am feeling so much stronger within myself. I feel like I know my worth. I don't know- I guess I just woke up from the last few days and strengthened my identity. I feel like I am able to stand for respect for myself - positively that is. That I can be happy to be on my own and take feelings as they come and go. That I can try to take on that impermanence and unstick myself from things that are unhealthy. Go with the flow so to speak and just keep going with the positive beliefs amongst the feelings of the opposite.
Im feeling okay. At the moment - from a day feeling good- I have ended up at Rugs place tonight and came over to be with someone that is all consumed with his music and not able to interact with me. He had a rare night last night on drugs of ice with his friend from town- something that he doesnt do unless this guy comes down once a month or so. Rugs dad died last week - so Im not being the mother. And Im dont anymore- he know where I stand on that issue. Not that he is my future anyway. I have nothing to do with drugs and anything like that. Its foriegn thing to me- I dont even drink lol. But I do know that it makes a person very selfish and withdrawn and more than he is. Its not fair to me. Im starting to see through reflecion more and more that there are so many things calling in myself that are far from fair on my side of this relationship.
So tonight, when he goes out for a smoke. He is not going to have the pleasure of my company the rest of the night. I am going back home. I shouldnt have come in the first place but I did. But anyway, he needs to learn to respect me a bit more and that I dont hang out with people on drugs and that will not interact with me with elements of social rudeness all the time. Im not wasting my time and Im not going to be negative anymore. Im just not going to complain - Im just taking control of my life back. That is all. And I think anyone in a codependency- take time off for a few days to see what its like- go through the withdrawls and start to indulge in your passions and taking care of yourself - Ive been having a spa day for once and really treating myself well. ITs a far cry from treating myself like nothing to be with someone that doesnt appreciate it.
Before I was with him I had realised that I needed to learn how to value myself. To value yourself means to really care and respect yourself. It means to go that extra mile to physically care and mentally care- treat yourself like a queen and fall in love with yourself - not your ego - but just that feeling of nurture as though you were your own mother. That sort of thing.

grapevine said:

Before I was with him I had realised that I needed to learn how to value myself. To value yourself means to really care and respect yourself. It means to go that extra mile to physically care and mentally care- treat yourself like a queen and fall in love with yourself - not your ego - but just that feeling of nurture as though you were your own mother. That sort of thing.

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I'm not the best at that sort of thing, but i suspect most guys aren't. Not sure if i'd ever treat myself like a queen - a king, maybe! (if i were gay, then i could treat myself like a queen! hehe).
I have a feeling that doing more self-care might lower general anxiety, as there'd be more of a feeling that the universe loves you & is on your side?


It's good to hear that things are starting to look up for you.

Yes- self-care is a discovery I wish I had found years and years ago. Unfortunately, my good streak has gone from a wave of feeling unappreciated and going out of my way for people once again. Not just rugs, but just about everyone. Its like I live their lives to be in them. With Rugs its like he can do what he wants. Yet Im the one leaving my life to be in his. Weve talked about this anyways. Its just its goes in a huge wave over me when like tonight, after many nights and times spending away from home- after so long of putting my own stuff on the shelf that when I actually am home I have to go through this whole emotional unwinding of who am I and I have my own place and my own independence and life etc.. and then I feel lonely and mad because of the amount of stuff I do for others like rugs - putting myself there and then Im not getting what ever I thought I wanted back.

Its funny. I have a night at home again. I always have to push through these feelings in my last post each time.

It takes me of dry crying feeling so lost of my identity its not funny - being lost because ive spent all my time in other people's worlds than my own. With people that do not share my values and lifestyle.

Here I am running this story of mine again. But anyway.
When I was start of last year before* ---- I was well deep into the most of my identity I had been. I felt so authentic and true to myself more than I ever had in my life. And I was truely free at that time of any food addictions numbing any emotions. I was truely raw emotionally and phsyically and on all levels. I was working through it all. And I was finally independent.

Now though, Im in this relationship bounded by a fear of not sure if I want to still keep it at this point in my life or not. There are good things in it. But it doesnt seem to support my needs and my own values and lifestyle. Its feels dogmatic and draining. But I still value it.

At the same time Im upset from staying so far from who I am in order to be in this relationship and its not worth it.

So I keep realising these things. I keep on talking to him about how I feel I need to be in my own world and how we are so different and that I feel Ive lost myself. He is supportive and suggests to me to stay home and do my things.

But I end up craving some excitement and wanting to please and give- rather than be in my feelings on my own and work through them. And end up saying yes each time he asks me if Id like to come over again. I'm welcome anytime, but he wants me over- but its up to me. And I give in each time. End up with weeks gone by spending maybe 1 night at home. And its not about raunchy things - he aint that type- its about company as he has a fear of being alone in his garage at night. But I dont want to be in a codependency- so staying at my home away from him is more beneficial to me than going over there.

I got upset from realising tonight - from hearing some music i hadnt heard in awhile - and at home in my own bed and own environment- that I realised Id forgotten things about myself that were everything to me.
That made me 'ME'.

So now Im thinking, I need to work back to myself. And re-find me. With no constrictions from rugs. I feel like Ive given myself all away and that I have no piece to myself anymore and that its not a deep connection with him. That he is just not all there in terms of intellect and appreciation. He is very loyal and loving and more responsible with money to me and things like that since his dad had passed weeks ago. But the thing is Im not like him.
I detest his lifestyle and thinking and things he likes and I tell him we are so different etc..
He seems to think its okay. Then Im in between my mum and dad - knowing they dont think of him as someone worthy for me.
Its so stressful.

But anyway. I just dont even want to think about it. I want to forget all that and get away from people pleasing for a while and go back ontom y own journey.
I want to keep it quiet from rugs and others. Ive always done that anyway. Any changes I have ever made and stuck with have been quiet ones.

I want to be that person that was pushing her boundaries again. Im a very moralistic new age type person. I am passionate about the environment and politics and humanity and animal issues. Im extremely passionate about health. That is my life that topic. Im in love with it. My desire was to be the healthiest person people have know- and I was achieving that for quite some while- inspiring people to eat better and things they never knew about.
Even making some go vegan haha.

I went far. Then I put things aside to be in a relationship. And then it all got lost.

I mean, Id listen to music (Xavier Rudd and others) religiously - on my ipod, phone, in the car - I was never without it. The moral thinking and messages were a part of me then.

I was into politics deeply.

Now its like my mind has slowed right down. I hate that rugs is a simpleton really. Its horrible to say- but I had to explain to him what global warming was because he didn't know. So many basic things he does not know. And his conversations are immature and silly lol. I feel like my interlect has gone down from only really associating with him! And from stress etc.
I have had a brain fog and slow cognitive functioning for some time lately.

I feel like everything is a chore. And always in an anxious hurried state and always putting everyone first.

I lack to see the excitement in my own solo activities over being with rugs. I end up in disappointment each time and sacrificed myself really. Each time.

So anyway, I just want to go out without restrictions anymore and be who I am and was becoming. Respecting myself. that is the answer. I just can't keep pushing myself away and being lazy in dogma mode anymore. Its easy to just be in other's worlds in the short term over your own- but in the long term. Its killing yourself of your own authenticity and opportunities.

So I jsut want to spend less time in his environment and with him. Do my self care and listen to my music and start to plan and become the person I was getting to before - yet now even more evolved.

Im going to change myself to be authentic again- and even if it clashes with rugs I just dont care anymore.

So Im home again. I seem to be in between wanting to stay there, feeling bad about saying no and missing out on my own things and my own home and family.
But anyway, since Rugs father past, he has been really good with caring. He is making sure now- because he has control over his money now and able to get it out when he needs to and not rely on his dad. He keeps giving me money lol. Paying me back, even small things- he wants to pay me back in high amounts. I think he just before- let his dad just control his money and not bother to do anything because his father was domineering maybe.
Anyways- he has been a bit flat on and off but alot better for me as he has been concerned for me more than before- he is able to see responsibilities now more than before.

But tonight, my issue is a bit of the old bdd slipping through the cracks again. Because ive put on weight and clothes have been getting tight and I am always battling to get my own time to myself to do self care and when I do its time limited. Im not feeling good about myself. Then I see photos of our walk the other day in the bushland and realise how much I dont like what I see etc. I get embarrassed. And so Im at this thing where I want to work on myself but end up always giving in to going to his place and not being on top of myself in self care and responsibility to make myself happy. trying to balance that and him - its difficult. But Im going to try and plan.

Im home again for once again yay!

Why do I keep on doing this? I find it sooo hard to say NO to people. I am so far past the part where I lost myself its not funny.

Its just so hard to balance things. The inner voices in me telling me its all not worth it- to give up basically your life for another just to please'. And I know that. But most of the time now I am just too exahuasted to create a plan- t think about it and dont do anything. Its like Ive become him.

You know - where is that person - where am I- ??? The one that finally took out what was bothering her and pulled it apart and felt it and by doing so crushed it and made new avenues that were exciting and achieved goals she thought she never could? That realised that she could do anything she put her mind to and had so much energy to do so... that had all the time it seemed in the world - in the day with no commitments and realisation that she didnt need anyone- anyones approval.. and really started to fully love her self with self care.

I mean, where has she gone?

I was so far with so many things to now see myself in demise because all this time- for over a year - Ive just still to this day been saying yes instead of no and way overdoing it above and beyond with absolutely no time for myself- hardly even to eat.

Im so sick of it. I truely am.
Yet its so easy to put someone else first - esp when youve put yourself last for such a long time now and your backlogged and without the energy to untwined it all.

I saw my doctor today and she suggested that ( and this is something that I have been saying all along but not getting around to) is making a roster so that I have these days all to myself and stick to them- so that he knows.

I just cant go on like this. I feel like Im jus dragging myself by- being everyone to everone and noone to myself. I feel so spun out and can never relax. Even like tonight when I know im at home and everything.

I feel like I need months socially away and at home and no pressure. Its too much alot. I liked being anonymous and independent and having that time to be myself - do what ever I wanted and when. Now its like I am who the people see me (which is not the case - I am who I see me and can change however I like to reflect myself inside)- and it feels mouldy and old, I want to be my own creator and have the time to do so again. Im so tired of feeling so pressured and stressed and putting my goals on the back burner and wasting my time.

I want to be able to stay at my own home most of the week and have a sense of home back again for once. I dont want to have to stay over his place all the time - and be without my things and in a men's environment and not my own.
Im one of those people that have a certain lifestyle - well did* that made me feel really good- to wake up in my own bed in my own gorgeous but small bedroom and my animals and light streaming through the window- to be in my own girly romantic essence of my own home- room, and to be able to do my self care- workout in the night if I feel like it, do my beauty routienes and things. And I cant do any of that over at his. I feel like its another day and aanother day away- and before long its been 6 months and a year and more that I havent even really seen my family properly and neglected my pets. When, over his place - he gets to do what he wants and hardly spends half an hour over my place you know.

God, I jsut want the freedom back. He is so needy in the nightime - he gets bored and wants company and to watch films or something. But its not fair to me. But since his father past - Ive had to be there for him. But now its like Im just pushing it so badly. I want to look after myself. I dont want to give myself any further as I hardly have anything to give anymore. ITs too much.

I just want to sleep for a while. And then get to my goals. My body needs so much rest from all this stress. Its not coping very well.
The pressure.
I mean, he is an understanding guy, but its hard to plan with him and he can be so needy and of course completely different lifestyles and he is not all there often and not know much.. which is factual not being mean- just saying.

Im a big believer in valueing yourself by taking action by listening to your inner self and having the courage to believe in what ever you want for yourself and going through the boundaries to do so. That valueing yourself - is looking after yourself- the more time you can spend on really looking after yourself through all sorts of self care- the better value - and more quality you can be to yourself and others and your life a whole lot better. So why is it so hard for me to do that now?

I really have to do 2 things I should/need to be doing I guess - is putting in place some structure of my boundaries so that I am protecting my valuable sense of self and me* time and sticking to it and the other is writing out my needs and how I will get them- how ever and what ever they are. What I need to feel happy and beyond.

I already know what I can do now. Journalling has been so helpful to me. Even when its been so negative, I think that is when - esp reading it back and even gettting reflection from others - that Ive really been able to see the truth through the emotions and whats going on.
And from there where I can get to.

So I know I just want to feel like I did the start of last year and just before that. I felt so good because every single day I worked on myself. Things that I had yearned for for so long - I worked on them. Now I feel like Im far from that person. I want to get back to that and not let anything get in my way. My identity feels lost to others leading my life instead of my own once again.
And I just need to call it to a hault and work on my goals and my time.
I feel like, tho because I spend all my time over his place and with him. I spend every night just about at his place. I hardly spend anytime with my family or my pets. And then when I get to that and my mum who needs me to take her places and things - we have always been very close and in a co-dependency for years - so when Im home- Ive got those things and then Im also exausted and then I can get to me and its like Im so burnt out.

Anyways going to my drawing board

I think you need quietness in your life to be able to listen to what you need and dont and what you want and want to be.

Today is a first that I put myself first. I came home to do what I used to do - have my quick workouts of fun on my xtrainer and listen to my music and dance in the mirror (when I can/bdd) etc.

And to realise that after that long hard roll of 2 years of losing and keeping a healthy weight (from 92 kg to and getting away from food addictions and getting easily to a 55-52 kg weight / good for my height and enjoying the 90% raw vegan diet) - to now being overweight from living for someone else and having my time be his and having to go away from my routines and all that. Just so angry that I feel trapped that I have so much pressure I dont get to live my own life because he is always so dependent on me and that its come to me having to do the hard yards again to feel good about myself - but this relationship goes when I put myself last kinda. he gets lonely at night and wants my company to watch films and talk etc. But I like to stay at my own home in my own bed and do my own things. I am always putting my needs on hold all the time. He is so needy- I hate it. All my goals and my identity gets tarnished with negativity in my mind because I feel like I cant achieve any of them because even something like making my dinner is a rush just to have to go over to his place all the time.
I just dont.

I dont get how superficial emotions can be from a guy in a relationship. When on the female's side they can get so wavey and deep and needed to be taken into consideration.

For Rugs its like everything is okay with us and if I have a rant and go off on messages - than, he just wont read it anyway. Its like if I scream out that things need to be changed - to him - he cant see what the issue is and its all okay - what ever I want to do.
But its like - I have to be in his environment and put off my things to be in this relationship and over do it. When I give myself a rest and stop doing that - he gets needy and is used to my company and it can make me feel guilty. But then, even when he is busy with his friend or what ever- and im actually at home - I feel so empty and upset- I feel so cheated that all this Ive given to him - so much- that Ive lost myself and I want to get something back in return but it just doesnt happen - and it comes out when I am on my own at home. Like I want that company- but him doing things for me and being proactive and interactive with me.
I just feel so used all the time - used by him because of his fear of boredom and loneliness - and because I am who I am and give too much.

I feel a good change coming my way. I have goals for this spring coming up in a few months. Ive been having gradually some time to myself. And that Ephiny I had a few weeks back is still there looming my motivation.
I plan on getting my cottage garden Ive been working on to be blooming so pretty when spring hits. Ive got hollyhocks and foxgloves and my bantams are loving the natural logs ive put in the garden to perch on so they dont walk and scratch the plants. Its going to look so good and my obsession with perfecting the soil with rock dust and char and other soil improvers lol. And even the gogo juice and worm juice and seaweed liquid Ive been putting in there.. the plants are so healthy and perky. Even the newly planted ones. And the millions of bees too haha

So my goal has been to have my garden blooming and finished by start of spring. Ive got all sorts of herbs and I love growing borage and others.
Gonna grow sweet peas but somehow protect them from the mice.

Even tho rugs is all depressed and last night I was just so over it. Ive been there for him and I still am - but its just been all too much since last year for me. I need to care for myself. Last night once again he slept from 8:30 ish again and I was left in his room with nothing much to do and sacrificing my own stuff I could of done once again at home and my time in my own environment and family and pets.. my own life- but I chose once again to rush and be there for him in the afternoon and night. And his give to that was to sleep. It gets me so frustrated and feels so unfair. I ended up not saying a word when he asked me where I was going and I drove home.
But its all good. He understands. But I told him I needed my space. Because he doesnt even stay over my place for more than 20 minutes really now. I mean the other day he came over and mum made a sandwich for him and then he left. I cant have a conversation with him most of the time- yet when I do its really about immature jokes of poo and silly things like that. And I cant stand it. He is very loyal and when in the mindset can be very considerate to me. But then there is the weird behaviour and delusions of himself that can be embarrassing and his lack of initiative and interaction and communication. He said to me yesterday as he is now getting his forms finally going ahead (since his father passed) with applying for disability pension (which really he should be on in the first place) and also be able to work mind you. But he said that he thought that most people dont notice he has schizophrenia because of the way he is so well groomed. - And that is discounting his non change of clothes in a few days and stained tshirt and the fact that he puts his clothes on the floor every night and this week was sad to note that his underwear wasnt changed for 6 days straight.. and his excess of hairspray in his hair that leaves all these white dandruff looking big specks throughout his hair that mum whispered to me that she thought he had headlice of crawling white insects in his hair and was serious to me about it.

Its just so hard to be with someone that is delusional and immature and not know much of anything. He cant create surprises and have intiative much and he just does the same thing all the time. There is no real communication- its more for me of playing a role most of the time and even just the effort to get his attention alot (when I do know the answer is to ignore* lol) - in order for him to interact with me (to get my worth of being with him for those times) ends up being overlooked and a blandness of disinterest most of the time.
Just so frustrating. I end up 90 percent of the time having to entertain myself- because he cannot entertain me or hardly interact and ends up not wanting to be active at all - and at night falls asleep by 8:30 - most of the time cant watch a film (tho lately he was on a streak of being able to).

Anyway, Im at least in my own environment for a while - where I can unravel and get my own healthy needs met on my own I guess. It does get depressing though for all the amount of giving to him - and loosing myself to it - and I dont get that return of my needs. Its all too much for him to even deal with.

I just get so frustrated with him. I try to keep it at bay alot. For instance- he will ring up and tell me he is on facebook. Then ill go on facebook and well say hello and then he will say hell be right back and have a smoke straight away. So I can really talk to him. Then hell come back and well start to talk and then hell say- hes logging off for a while to 'clean' (which he doesnt really at all - because I end up having to do it when I come over- clean to him is different to my clean- tobacco leaves EVERYWHERE..empty ice coffee cartons everywhere etc..) and so Ill be left waiting till so long to be able to talk to him again. Then he will message me to tell me he is going to do something else or go to bed etc. And its like - what is this? Am I just someone to write at to say what your doing/?
Alot of times he will come over to my place- stay for 5 minutes, hardly say a word and then drive back home. Which is hardly worth the time and effort.

It just it feels so cheated to me. All this effort to care and do things and he is very loyal and all and then just the basic needs of communication and things just cant be met most of the time. It feels like when I was alone for years - only that I have the pressure of having to be with him all the time- but not have any interaction or goals or anything together. Its like Im there for company - but more like a shadow often. It makes me feel a bit depressed and empty and bad about myself. I deserve more my body screams. And I can see him for who he is. He is not a well man.

I just am taking things a notch down or so and doing my own things for a very needed while.

I stay home more now and putting myself first and I feel better and its more understood by rugs.

But he gets depressed - but allows me to have what I need to do - have time to myself without any pressure from him.


But he's so into his disorder- just the depression and apathy and lack of energy and enthusiasm in anything - lack of being able to make yourself happy and have goals and healthy routines.

I mean he gets so dependent on me. He cant think at all it seems - from my point of view f what he can give me- how he can entertain me etc..

he just thinks he is very caring and thats it. Its like going out with an emotionaless yet depressed person. Those negative symptoms mean I cant even interact with him- I get hardly a response. Its an effort for him to respond. And he is so tired - just going out to go for a 20 min walk is exhausting for him. And his sleeping patterns and eating patterns are all over the place. He is so irresponsible too. I hate how he rocks up at my place when I said come over after lunch, and he hasn't had his lunch and I have to try to find him something. Because he cannot be responsible.Then I end up getting told off by mum for raiding her cupboards as she is on a budget.
I feel like and have always felt like he is just dragging me down and so dependent on me. I've finally broken the main part of the dependency- but I shouldn't have to feel bad about it.
I asked him what did he do before he met me- and his answer was - just the same- just sitting at home- going on facebook and playing the guitar.
I hate dealing with his delusions of himself and that people around him don't realise how dysfunctional he is. And he cant see it.

But then alot of people see it.

But it really feels like from even the beginning - being dragged into this mentally dysfunctional world far away from my own values and responsibilities.

Its not fair that he be dependent on me for his happiness. Want me over all the time- and literally, that is what I had done. Even when I was completely ignored many times as he would just sit there on his computer and I would be so frustrated and wanting to go home all the time - missing out on things I would be working on at my place - not to mention being able to eat what ever I had cravings for at home and be away from his bad socks smell and caked hairspray and cigarette smells on him.

He told me today that he cleaned his benches of tobacco leaves for once. So I praised him. But its like Im with a child. He doesnt really have much knowledge of basic things except for music and films.

Cant talk with him much- can only really talk about poos and wees and act like a 12 year old.

grapevine said:

But he gets depressed

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Does he take anti-depressants for that? Or don't they work very well?

grapevine said:

But he's so into his disorder- just the depression and apathy and lack of energy and enthusiasm in anything - lack of being able to make yourself happy and have goals and healthy routines

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I'm kinda like that too. I really have no idea what can make me happy. At best i get obsessed with a project. I've never been happy, always looking for the next "fix". By all accounts i should be a heavy smoker, but i've never tried smoking, due to health concerns.

grapevine said:

And his sleeping patterns and eating patterns are all over the place

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I wonder what's causing that? Mood issues? (eg depressed)


I think generally he's doing the best he can, and he seems to be a very rigid person (despite having no routines), so he'd be constantly battling his own rock-solid habits.

Did you know that 70 percent of your body’s serotonin is found in your gut? Low levels of serotonin have been linked to unstable mood, depression, and physiological functions such as digestion, eating and sleeping.

Would eating raw foods help with that? :question:

theslowesthand said:

Did you know that 70 percent of your body’s serotonin is found in your gut? Low levels of serotonin have been linked to unstable mood, depression, and physiological functions such as digestion, eating and sleeping.

Would eating raw foods help with that? :question:

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Def Raw food diet helps with clarity and lifts depression. It helped me and Im on my way to get back to off the processed foods and into feeling better.

I can't help him. I've tried. I put natural pills for him- a multi-vitamin, Siberian ginseng, flaxseed oil and more.. etc.. which did help him when he took it. But ended up sitting on his desk not being used.

And making me resentful. Some not even opened. Sitting there for 4 months. Even a positive suggestion to take them would be forgotten- so I ended up giving them to my mum instead.

He has been a bit better now as he has started some training with a job that is getting him up early and making him feel like he has a purpose and structure in his life. It's not a job as yet- its training and then choosing who gets it with tests and things. It's a tourism job with helping people dive to look at fish. A new venture that has arrived in our town with considerable un favour.

But right now I'm feeling so frustrated. I really need a break. See the thing with him is that he cannot plan things. After his work today he came over to see me - which he said he would. I was home and he stayed for 10 minutes and left. So I was thinking - yeah I can do my thing for the rest of the day- that I'm home and I've relaxed a bit for once and now I can do all those things I keep putting off like making my 'dream-board' and writing in my journal and cleaning my room, writing my goals etc.. just having my space and doing my thing.

Then 15-20 mins later he rings up and says he is coming back over and if its okay- says he wants to go for a walk and then watch Netflix. The minutes before when he was over he had said he was too tired to go for a walk or anything like that and I had made up my mind of what I was going to do this afternoon and tonight. But he was coming back over. Then he came back over and he decided it was too cold and rainy to go for a walk now. I was in the middle of making my bed. I recently got a double bed and yet to get the double mattress as I had bills to pay instead. So he hadn't been able to stay over because of the single bed on my double bed. But today I was making my bed and covering up the gap for myself and it looked reasonable to sleep like on a double and he said he would like to stay over and watch Netflix. I didn't want him to stay over but couldn't find the words and ended up having to drop all my own things that I desperately wanted to do in order to compensate for him. I had to go and find all these things to make the bed comfortable for him.

He left ( its a 15-20 minute drive) and went back home to get things to bring over (and its like in the space of an hour he had gone back and forth 3 times or more- so ridiculous).

As he is over his place, I go have a shower to try and calm my frustrations and end up crying in stress. I get so stressed out.
My mum and dad mentioning how many times he had come back and forth and I just feel uncomfortable with him staying over because he lives so differently in values than my family. It's embarrassing to me.


Now tonight, I ended up in a position of being unable to have my own time to myself and do the things I wanted because he has come over to stay.
So I thought, okay then we will watch Netflix like he had said. Make a thing of it then. But, like him, he ends up going to bed at 8:00 or so and I end up just not being able to do my things once again.

Feeling so duped and frustrated. I can't make noise, he wants the lights off really- that sort of thing. He hadn't thought it all through and its so unfair to me. All I want to do is just have my space and leave me alone for a while. I need my own time.My own boundaries feel invaded. I need my sanctuary you know. It's just relentless.

It's like the other night when he asked me to go over his place- that he would drive me there. And I was like fine- I'll just do this and then for the entire week or more I will stay home and have my time to myself. He said we would watch Netflix and it ended up he wanted to go to bed and sleep again and not watch anything, this time getting angry for a first and turning off the lights and leaving me feeling so bored and angry. Feeling duped. I had sacrificed once again my time for nothing.

If I make a sacrifice I want him to make one too you know.

But now, tonight, he is asleep (at my place in my room/bed) because he has to get up early to go to his work thing. Why didn't he think this through? He knows I like to stay up regardless of me going to work tomorrow.

I'm just going to have to tell him I need my space - and make it a structured thing because he just cannot stick with plans or anything like that- and it's just so stressful.
The other thing is that it's even more glaring how much different we are when he is over my place in terms of my values and the way he lives. Its just so different and I'm so sick of sinking down to his level. He didn't even know what a sweet potato was the other day. And im a big health foodie. I'm not ready to end this because his father just passed away and there some good things about him. And he is deeply into me. When someone looks at you a certain way like they are hypnotised - and talks about a future with you. It's too hard to break them. And there are shades to this- it's not all black and white.

All I know is that I need my space and I need to really let that be known. Because I'm going through this really bad place atm where I've lost my health and my weight has gone up and my self-esteem went right down. I feel like I never have any time for myself and being there for everyone but me.

I feel trapped and want to escape want to throw my arms up and wipe people away from me for a while.
- I just want to start again and be my own person and it's so hard when he is in my face all the time - I mean kindly and caring about me and everything - but having his own lack and all that. It affects my identity and my dreams and my goals - I don't even get to pursue them.

so also my work has been so strained lately - un-able to get new people to volounteer because they treat them so dysfunctionally. I work at a secondhand shop - a trendy surf type one - but i get paid - im not a volounteer. Because im also on the disability pension for my severe social phobia that lasted decades - I dont serve much at all. Instead, I am in charge of the shop floor and what comes out and storing things away. Thing is now, we havent anyone to really serve at this point and last week I found myself all alone in the shop having to serve a whole day. Which is unacceptable. But that is what they do to new volounteers for days on end. Its funny, because most second hand shops have at least 10 people at a time running them- one person for this and this - but my work is the dodgiest in town. You dont even get told what to do - you have to take your own intiative. And I suppose since working there for nearly 3 years now- I learnt that quite quickly and thrived in it. But when they dont have basic anything- and you have to make do with what is there- really sux- even the way its all thoguht out - where the racks are and everything is dsyfunctional. We have so much stuff and no where to put it. And no staff to help.

I have to go to work today and I really dont want to be there all by myself again for the entire day and having to serve people. I jsut want to hide. Its sux so much. Also because we get people bringing in furniture to donate and mattresses and things like that and Im the one on my own having to deal with that too. And if I have an issue I have to use my phone to ring up the office because they cant afford to have a phone in the shop usuable. Not only all this - but hte shop is laid out so badly that its a real hazard to work in. There is nothing in place to have working areas safe. I have to go through loads of rubbish and bags of discarded clothing and only have a tiny bin and no area to put my bags except this narrow walkway. Otherwise I have to put things out where customers are. Not only that, but I dont see my work cheques most of the time. They dont get given to me until like 4 weeks later or something. Its all over the place. Im still missing one from the other week. And even when I deposit them into my bank- they take sometime to form because they dont actually have the money to pay me half the time.
They are an embarrassment to work for. But I do like the freedom of taking my intiative and being in charge of the shop floor as I get motivated easily. But I feel like today Im sure Im going to end up alone all day and its going to wear me out again - to the point where its too much for my anxiety. Im not looking forward to it. Esp if I need to be doing other things there that really need to be done but cant because I have to serve.

I think thats the things with him. He doesn't have the ability to be responsible and if I'm in a relationship with him Im going to have to be that person that has to remind him and think for him half the time because he cant do it for himself and even so is delusional about his own world that he is responsible.

And that is what I have been doing. I've just realised it. That is just one of the reasons why being with him can be so stressful. Because of my things with my anxiety - I have a hard time coping with and being organised and responsible myself - but I end up having to be there for him all the time too- and that ends up with my stuff going out the door- having brain fog all the time and so much stress.

Well, I faked a much-needed sickie today. I've got the whole day to myself for once. Rugs is at work training and doesn't know. So Im free.

I get quite teary lately as I feel like I cannot feel much anymore and that I've lost myself. If I listen to music that I love that I listened to before when I was single- that helped create my identity- now its like my identity is this dogma of fake living into other people's lives and not my own. I keep turning a blind eye to myself and doing things for other people rather than even go and do my own thing. I seem to think that my values and everything that is me is too hard to bring forward - I feel surrounded by people seeing me differently to how I feel i am. And I find it very hard to have my own time to even get the energy to get back to my core.
I feel so sick of myself now. I had a good realisation that went on for a while a month or so ago and that was good. I am at a road where I know what I have to do but so easily distracted - being in a relationship and anything social jolts me into this automatic overriding mode where I tense up and blind myself to my own needs and wants and try to make the other person comfortable and be all encompassing to their needs and wants instead. Ill go out of my way to have a laugh or make a smile and enjoy it- but then realise that Ive not taken care of myself. I feel like im struggling to just be atm. I need loads of time on my own without distractions to start to find myself again. Its just so hard in a relationship.

I feel like indulging and putting this song here that make me so relaxed : )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGUEYhqVRhA