Danyo
Member
Well, I've been coming on and off this forum for a while, never really posting much, if anything at all.
Anyway, I need a place to vent my pain, my frustration and sorrow. Hopefully, it'll also help me clear up some confusion I have.
So it all went fast downhill 3 years ago, when I dropped out of school, I thought I'd be able to find a job, and go live on my own and start a happy life with my ( now ex, more on that later ) girlfriend.
At first, I'm enjoying the time at home, usually just with my girlfriend alone at home on my room talking, watching tv and sitting behind the computer listening to music. After a year or so, I'm starting to feel more bad about the way my life is going, I feel getting seperated from my friends more and more, and the succes my girlfriend has on school is making me feel bad about not having a job yet. I'm just really terrified to go solicitate because I feel to bad for everything and everyone, or so I thought.
It got to a certain point where I couldn't handle it anymore, I broke down and I fell into a depression. So that's when my mother and girlfriend at time decided it was time for me to go see a psychiatrist. That was the first point that cleared some things up, because after a few sessions, he told me I had social anxiety. But he didn't really help me much, or so it felt to me and besides keeping taking the medication he prescribed to help me ( seroxat ) I decided that he wasn't really doing anything more for me. But, he did tell me to go see special help with finding a job, with people that are specialized with helping people that need just a bit more help.
That's when the long wait started... Too long, since now I was still depressed, and I knew I had social anxiety. But the waiting for the tests for that job took ages and ages. But about half a year ago, around the time me and my gf were 6 and a half years (!) together, it suddenly went downhill, majorly. She came to me after her final exam, and told me she needed some time alone to think about stuff. I was shaking and trembling, I felt my heart being ripped out and stepped on. I was frightened. After I calm down a bit, I get to talk to her a bit on msn when she felt like talking, and she starts telling me stuff she sais I'm doing wrong, and things I should change... Wich I was fine with, if she'd give me a chance.. Wich she didn't. So you can image me, no friends because of the sociaphobia, alienated from everyone besides my mother, being without a job for 2 years and a half and losing the only thing in the whole world that meant something for me, feeling I was at my final straw... So that was the point of no return for me ( at that point ) I took an overdose of heavy tranquilizers ( wich I had gotten from my doctor because of the break up and how I was looking because of it ).
But obviously, I survived. But it wasn't enough to handle yet... No, a month after her saying she needed a break ( she still didn't break up with me, telling me she needed more time ) I found out from my stephbrother, that she apparantly had a new relation with a guy already, and posted all about it on facebook. Nice, the whole world knew, besides me. I was angry, I was almost going mental. The thought that went through my head at those moments I better never write down anywhere.
But after some time, I started to get over it, even though it'll probably scar me for my whole life. In the mean time, those tests for a job were finished, and I got the results from it yesterday... I was expecting to be told what kind of job would suit me etc.. But apparantly, that didn't need as much attention as the other thing they found out. I'm on the autistic spectrum, wich caused me to get sociaphobia because I never got help and caused me to be depressed eventually. To explain a bit better, I'm a normally funtioning human being, on the outside, but a lot of things are harder for me, change is hard for me, breaking paterns is hard for me and empathy is hard for me amongst other things. now, I thought that I might not have sociaphobia, and it was just the autistic spectrum. I was wrong, apparantly both aren't even neccesarely related.
Now, she explained shortly what that meant for me.. I will not be able to do a lot of things without help from others, but because of my sociophobia, I will not be able to ask help from others. I think you can see the problem here. The worst part is, I wouldn't even mind taking any drugs or medication all my life, problem is, there aint any. So I'm probably going back to a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I got the feeling, it wont be helping me much. I feel as if I'm in a vicious circel that's impossible to break.
I never asked for any of this, I want to be a normal person, but I am not. I can't even be normal apparantly, since I'm broken. I wanted a family and children of my own, but I do not have any friends left, and it's hard to make new friends, when you do not have any, especially if you have social anxiety ( as you all know ). Why am I being punished like this, I never did anyone wrong, and I never ever deserved any of this. Even my ex of 6 years and a half didn't bother to tell me in my face that it was over before she hooked up with someone else.
Sorry if this isn't really the right place for it, but it's the only place I feel I can vent it all out without being judged.
If you want to know more, or if I was unclear about something, feel free to ask.
ps.: Sorry that it's a wall of text, but it was a lot I needed to vent.
Anyway, I need a place to vent my pain, my frustration and sorrow. Hopefully, it'll also help me clear up some confusion I have.
So it all went fast downhill 3 years ago, when I dropped out of school, I thought I'd be able to find a job, and go live on my own and start a happy life with my ( now ex, more on that later ) girlfriend.
At first, I'm enjoying the time at home, usually just with my girlfriend alone at home on my room talking, watching tv and sitting behind the computer listening to music. After a year or so, I'm starting to feel more bad about the way my life is going, I feel getting seperated from my friends more and more, and the succes my girlfriend has on school is making me feel bad about not having a job yet. I'm just really terrified to go solicitate because I feel to bad for everything and everyone, or so I thought.
It got to a certain point where I couldn't handle it anymore, I broke down and I fell into a depression. So that's when my mother and girlfriend at time decided it was time for me to go see a psychiatrist. That was the first point that cleared some things up, because after a few sessions, he told me I had social anxiety. But he didn't really help me much, or so it felt to me and besides keeping taking the medication he prescribed to help me ( seroxat ) I decided that he wasn't really doing anything more for me. But, he did tell me to go see special help with finding a job, with people that are specialized with helping people that need just a bit more help.
That's when the long wait started... Too long, since now I was still depressed, and I knew I had social anxiety. But the waiting for the tests for that job took ages and ages. But about half a year ago, around the time me and my gf were 6 and a half years (!) together, it suddenly went downhill, majorly. She came to me after her final exam, and told me she needed some time alone to think about stuff. I was shaking and trembling, I felt my heart being ripped out and stepped on. I was frightened. After I calm down a bit, I get to talk to her a bit on msn when she felt like talking, and she starts telling me stuff she sais I'm doing wrong, and things I should change... Wich I was fine with, if she'd give me a chance.. Wich she didn't. So you can image me, no friends because of the sociaphobia, alienated from everyone besides my mother, being without a job for 2 years and a half and losing the only thing in the whole world that meant something for me, feeling I was at my final straw... So that was the point of no return for me ( at that point ) I took an overdose of heavy tranquilizers ( wich I had gotten from my doctor because of the break up and how I was looking because of it ).
But obviously, I survived. But it wasn't enough to handle yet... No, a month after her saying she needed a break ( she still didn't break up with me, telling me she needed more time ) I found out from my stephbrother, that she apparantly had a new relation with a guy already, and posted all about it on facebook. Nice, the whole world knew, besides me. I was angry, I was almost going mental. The thought that went through my head at those moments I better never write down anywhere.
But after some time, I started to get over it, even though it'll probably scar me for my whole life. In the mean time, those tests for a job were finished, and I got the results from it yesterday... I was expecting to be told what kind of job would suit me etc.. But apparantly, that didn't need as much attention as the other thing they found out. I'm on the autistic spectrum, wich caused me to get sociaphobia because I never got help and caused me to be depressed eventually. To explain a bit better, I'm a normally funtioning human being, on the outside, but a lot of things are harder for me, change is hard for me, breaking paterns is hard for me and empathy is hard for me amongst other things. now, I thought that I might not have sociaphobia, and it was just the autistic spectrum. I was wrong, apparantly both aren't even neccesarely related.
Now, she explained shortly what that meant for me.. I will not be able to do a lot of things without help from others, but because of my sociophobia, I will not be able to ask help from others. I think you can see the problem here. The worst part is, I wouldn't even mind taking any drugs or medication all my life, problem is, there aint any. So I'm probably going back to a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I got the feeling, it wont be helping me much. I feel as if I'm in a vicious circel that's impossible to break.
I never asked for any of this, I want to be a normal person, but I am not. I can't even be normal apparantly, since I'm broken. I wanted a family and children of my own, but I do not have any friends left, and it's hard to make new friends, when you do not have any, especially if you have social anxiety ( as you all know ). Why am I being punished like this, I never did anyone wrong, and I never ever deserved any of this. Even my ex of 6 years and a half didn't bother to tell me in my face that it was over before she hooked up with someone else.
Sorry if this isn't really the right place for it, but it's the only place I feel I can vent it all out without being judged.
If you want to know more, or if I was unclear about something, feel free to ask.
ps.: Sorry that it's a wall of text, but it was a lot I needed to vent.