How to be in a relationshipwith someone with different values and lifestyle to you

Well its been 8 months now since I've been going out with this guy. And I've struggled with my social anxiety/anxiety disorder and BDD and its been quite an emotional strain on me. Particularly with the anxiety as I get so hyped up and completely go overboard for him ( and I've been doing that with my parents anyway for years and other people). I'm a people pleaser but yet cannot get calm and do my own thing.

Yet the thing is our values are so different. I mean for one, he doesn't even know what he is and why it's important. He is on a different intelligence to me too and has his own mental illness of schizophrenia which the medication makes him a bit impaired on many levels.

My lifestyle is so different to his, before going out with him I was deeply involved in the raw vegan diet and felt with my health on top of the world - regardless of my mental health at the time.

I need to be in fresh air and eat my fresh foods and be near my kitchen and enjoy all those things. But since I've been with him- he smokes, takes drugs, eats meat, listens to completely different music to me ( I'm not into heavy metal) and has a high ego with no insight into any real self-development.

With his medication- he can be zombie-like to. But the thing is that I am constantly sacrificing my own world to be in his. I stay in his place all the time and I just feel lowered on so many levels. It sounds horrible - but I feel like I am hanging out with a 12-year-old all the time as he is immature too. Having his lollies and asking for things at the shops and just being unresponsible and joking about.

He doesn't work, has no money and no real incentives or insights, motivation etc to get out there. He just likes to think he will get somewhere with his guitar playing of riffs he puts on youtube and facebook.

He has good qualities tho. He changes when I say I dont like things he does and sticks to those changes. He has been building this relationship and changing all the time. He is extremely loyal to me ( to the point where its hard to get my own time), and respects me and very loving etc.

Its just I like to have my lifestyle which does not puzzle up with his.
My values are extrememly important to me as they make me my identity and it is just hard to be with someone so different from them.

Im not going to break up with him. But I think Im at a stage where I am going to start putting myself first - which can be a bit off in a relationship idk?

I need to not put my own life on hold to be with him. Not dumb myself down, make my time- 'my time' for once and really get back to looking after myself.

I have to learn to be assertive and strict I guess and plan things more.

I just have lost and dont like myself much anymore and getting processed fod addictions I never even ate before because of being in his world. lol

This is just a long rant I guess.

I dunno, people usually advise to pair up with people of similar values. Especially if they're important values you refuse to bend on. Because those will become future battlegrounds once one person gets fed up and draws a line in the sand. Maybe you can convince him into a healthier lifestyle then?

He says he is cruising at the moment and when he decides to really make a change, he will.

But I really just at this point going to concentrate on my own independence as I've neglected that and see how I go. If he cannot keep up down the track, then it will show I guess.

And the good news is that I am speaking up and telling him these things and he is listening. I don't like to have to change people - its wrong- but I'm just gonna go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens - but I am gonna live through my values and show them in my life. I kind of has been anyway - esp when it comes to smoke.

I'm so much happier when I'm in my own world. I've just been in his for a long time now with no respite, no real time for myself. So I'm upping that-
thnx

The most important thing here is: do you feel happy with him? Or do you just feel less lonely? Does spending time with him bring you joy? Or do you feel stressed and 'stuck' around him?

grapevine said:

I don't like to have to change people - its wrong- but I'm just gonna go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens - but I am gonna live through my values and show them in my life. I kind of has been anyway - esp when it comes to smoke

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Well yeah when it comes to things that are essentially part of their personality, but habits can be changed if a person genuinely wants to. Ive seen people change their whole religion for a significant other so to me quitting smoking isnt a huge sacrifice. Now I know Id never go vegan for someone haha. Unless they know how to make really good vegan food, because I love food too much.

Personally Id have given up on the relationship a year ago, but if youre gonna sit it through, then yeah him changing some things sounds more beneficial/logical.

I think asserting your independent identity more clearly can be good for a relationship. He doesn't have to be the same as you, he just has to like the real you enough to help you be you.